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Merciful Minerva

Thinking about yesterday’s post, I realized that I need to be a superhero.

First of all, I’ve already got the alliterative name. In the tradition of Peter Parker, Clark Kent, Wally West, John Jones, Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Lori Lemaris, Scott Summers, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, and Max Mercury, a name like Adam Avitable clearly belongs in the comics.

Secondly, I’ve already got a whole array of superpowers:
1. I can make a plate of cheeseburgers disappear with super speed.
2. I’m invulnerable to trolls and insults.
3. I totally drive like Batman.
4. I can make the ground shake when I jump up and down.
5. Animals think I’m one of them and allow me to mix freely among them.
6. I can swim faster than a really slow, old turtle with only one flipper.
7. I can run faster than a snail on meth.
8. My toenails can cut through cloth like it’s butter.
9. My testicles have hypnotic abilities.
10. I can ejaculate with unerring aim.

I’ve also got a few weaknesses that my archnemesisesisiesisis can use against me to weaken me or even kill me:
1. Vegetables.
2. A scale.
3. Small food that you have to eat with your hands or that has bones in it.
4. Bad smells.
5. Dirt.

Now all I need are two things.

First, a superhero name. SuperAvitable is too boring.
Second, a phrase to say while fighting crime. Some of the older heroes had really goofy things like “Mighty Zeus!” or “Great Gadzooks!”, but I think mine should be a bit more modern.

What are your suggestions for my superhero name and superphrase?

64 thoughts on “Merciful Minerva”

  1. Well, Bouncing Boy is already taken, thanks to the Legion of Superheroes.

    I think Avitable would be a fantastic name, but it totally goes against the secret identity thing.

    How about Semen Slayer? Your phrase could be, “Hang on! Semen Slayer is cumming!”

  2. You could be The Procrastinator and your catch phrase could be, “Saving the day… eventually!”

    Or you could be The Ejaculator and your phrase could be, “Up, up and awa- oh, shit! Sorry bout’ that! Here… lemme get you a towel…”

    That’d be cool.

  3. Seriously, no one has said this yet? Okie dokie…

    Faster than a teenage orgasm!
    More powerful than a modern hard drive!
    Able to eat 10 donuts at a single bite!

    (voices from a crowd):
    Look – up in the sky!
    It’s a zeppelin!
    It’s an eclipse!
    No – it’s Super Prick!

    Yes, it’s Super Prick-
    Strange visitor from another joke blog with porn and dementia far beyond those of mortal men. Super Prick. Who can pollute whole rivers in a single dump; suspend belief with his bare hands; and who – disguised as Adam Avitable, mild mannered dillweed from just beyond the Space Coast – fights a never ending battle for coprophagia, plastic toys, and the NSFW way!

    (music cresendo)

  4. The Sperminator :cock:

    Too much thinking this early in the morning… plus I’m concerned why your site’s not blocked in my office.

    I keep coming here during work hours. I’m gonna get fired before I learn my lesson.

  5. I’m so glad I read the comments. I was going to ask you when you gained a tail. Because that’s a tail…. not a penis…. But then I wondered if the bubble toward the bottom was flatulence or a spirit orb.

    Then I wondered if you knew my buddy the Filthy Critic.

    I think I need more coffee before I can come up with anything else…

  6. Amanda, alliteration was a staple of early comics for some reason.

    Karl, I don’t bounce very well. I also don’t do well with secret identities. Maybe I should just use my name.

    Angie, Auditor?

    AmyD, I like your saying!

    Shiny, that’s a good one, too. Maybe throw a “mighty” in there, too.

    Krystle, it’s photorealistic.

    Poppy, only when I’m driving 200 yards.

    Kyra, I like that second one. The Ejaculator . . . hmmm.

    Bobgirrl, difficult or hard?

    Iron Fist, teabagging time – that could be a way to humiliate criminals.

    DB, ooh, since it’s German it sounds fancy and angry at the same time.

    Mr. Fabulous, more of an anchor.

    Hello, well, the picture’s a total lie, you know. I cannot fly.


    Mike, Sperman sounds too much like Sherman.

    Britt, hey, I was aiming for that file cabinet.

    Absurdist, well, the sloth would imply I’m lazy. What type of superhero is lazy?

    Special K, hah! Rigid man-meat indeed.

    Robin, I don’t procrastinate, so yeah, probably.

    Todd, I wouldn’t get much crimefighting done with that phrase.

    Nanna, Britt can be my Robin. Except her name will be Boobin’.

    Sam, my site is safe for all children and work environments, clearly.

    Claudia, that’s a reflection from the sun in the top right.

  7. “Look! Up in the sky!”

    “No! Please, no!”

    “Your evil is no match for my Nuts of Thunder, Lord Stinkfoot.”


    “Ew! Right in the eye! I’m BLIND!”

    “Here he is, Lieutenant. Put him in the slammer, with no visitors except from some big guy he doesn’t want visiting.”


    “It’s all in a day’s work for … CAPTAIN JIZZ!”

  8. Major and General names are underused, so Major Procrastinator or General Genetalia could be good. Battle cry: “Great slippery weasels!” or “Moo!” – whichever is not already copyrighted.

  9. NYCWD, and then squirt them with my special mayo?

    Britt, *gasp*? More qualified?

    Golfwidow, now that’s jizztastic.

    Turnbaby, yeah, that was the best one so far.

    Trishk, or “Hey fuckers, I’m here to save the day.”

    Jeff, wouldn’t you fly towards breasts too?

    BE Earl, how about, “Suck on this, evildoer!”

    Grant, I think “moo” might be taken.

    TrishK, I don’t know about that. His sword was kinda short.

  10. I was thinking… Avitable Avenger. And trying to decide how you would deal with restaurants that bring you Buffalo Wings that still had the BONES in them!

    And then I saw the Picture! Holy Gigantoweiner! There MUST be an Avitable Avenger balloon in next year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. And could you please be situated behind the Barney the Dinosaur Balloon? He needs a good poke up the ass.

  11. i don’t know why, but this made me think of The Mighty Heroes — did you ever see that cartoon? wasn’t one of them like, a baby?

    but beyond that, instead of gadzooks you could say DONKEYBALLS, amirite?

  12. Sunshine, so you’re saying that Barney needs some buttfucking?

    Nudeman, yup. She keeps them in a small case, and I’m allowed to play with them if I’m good.

    RW, and if Turnbaby says something, it’s the law!

    Crystal, I don’t remember that cartoon. But you’re soooo much older than I am. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Maman, I like that phrase – it’s all classy and shit.

    Tall Man Molly, that could be my female sidekick.

    DebbieS, that was my super-secret weakness. Thanks for ruining it!

    Jennifer, well, he can’t be erect 24/7.

    Kay, but what if SuperSchlong wants to fuck 12 outstanding young women, not bitches?

  13. Obviously your phrase should be cockslapping monkeyfucker. Right?! I really liked Karl’s suggestion, and RW’s, and I forget who else. (Yes, I am too lazy/ buzzed to scroll back up and see specifically!) There were some good ones!
    That picture is fantabulous.

  14. Sunshine, it’s always important to say please and thank you when getting anally reamed.

    Finn, that’s awesome!

    Anndi, except that you suck on the wrong end.

    Sybil, that’s true. “Cockslapping Monkeyfucker!”

    Metalmom, ASS to the rescue.

  15. Okay…thinking on things you like….you like things fried, so I was trying to think of something with “fry” in it. We have a deep-fat fryer called a “Fry Daddy.” I think that would be perfect! And your line could be, “Who’s your daddy?”

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