Thinking about yesterday's post, I realized that I need to be a superhero.
First of all, I've already got the alliterative name. In the tradition of Peter Parker, Clark Kent, Wally West, John Jones, Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Lori Lemaris, Scott Summers, Bruce Banner, Bucky Barnes, and Max Mercury, a name like Adam Avitable clearly belongs in the comics.
Secondly, I've already got a whole array of superpowers:
1. I can make a plate of cheeseburgers disappear with super speed.
2. I'm invulnerable to trolls and insults.
3. I totally drive like Batman.
4. I can make the ground shake when I jump up and down.
5. Animals think I'm one of them and allow me to mix freely among them.
6. I can swim faster than a really slow, old turtle with only one flipper.
7. I can run faster than a snail on meth.
8. My toenails can cut through cloth like it's butter.
9. My testicles have hypnotic abilities.
10. I can ejaculate with unerring aim.
I've also got a few weaknesses that my archnemesisesisiesisis can use against me to weaken me or even kill me:
1. Vegetables.
2. A scale.
3. Small food that you have to eat with your hands or that has bones in it.
4. Bad smells.
5. Dirt.
Now all I need are two things.
First, a superhero name. SuperAvitable is too boring.
Second, a phrase to say while fighting crime. Some of the older heroes had really goofy things like "Mighty Zeus!" or "Great Gadzooks!", but I think mine should be a bit more modern.
What are your suggestions for my superhero name and superphrase?
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Wow they really like alliteration in comics, huh?
Has your penis grown? It looks particularly pendulum like today (I can alliterate, too)
Comments by Amanda
Well, Bouncing Boy is already taken, thanks to the Legion of Superheroes.
I think Avitable would be a fantastic name, but it totally goes against the secret identity thing.
How about Semen Slayer? Your phrase could be, "Hang on! Semen Slayer is cumming!"
Comments by Karl
Avi the Awesome Auditor
The Awesome Avitable
Baby Gorilla
Comments by A Whole Lot of Nothing / Angie
Avi The Great
"Erect penis... HO!!!!!"
Comments by AmyD
I don't have a superhero name for you, sorry. As for a catchphrase...
"UNLEASH... THE... SCROTUM!!"
(Or maybe not.)
Comments by Shiny
Quite the picture you made there Avi!
Comments by Krystle
You do not drive like Batman.
You drive like Bitch the Chauffeur.
First-hand experience right here, boys and ladies.
Comments by Poppy
PS - At TequilaCon ask Dawg to tell you what I do when he talks to me about food with bones in it.
Comments by Poppy
You could be The Procrastinator and your catch phrase could be, "Saving the day... eventually!"
Or you could be The Ejaculator and your phrase could be, "Up, up and awa- oh, shit! Sorry bout' that! Here... lemme get you a towel..."
That'd be cool.
Comments by Kyra Sutra
I can't comment here anymore. It's too hard.
Comments by bobgirrl
Based on that picture, you should probably be Dr. Dong. As for a catch phrase...I'm stumped. Howsabout "It's teabaggin' time!!"
Comments by Iron Fist
SupahSchwanz (schwanz being German for tail but in this case penis, obviously)
"Eternal Satisfaction in a Superhero Package"
Comments by DutchBitch
When you fly, does your penis act as a rudder?
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
i'm too distracted, and turned on, to comment.
Comments by hello haha narf
Seriously, no one has said this yet? Okie dokie...
Narrator:
Faster than a teenage orgasm!
More powerful than a modern hard drive!
Able to eat 10 donuts at a single bite!
(voices from a crowd):
Look - up in the sky!
It's a zeppelin!
It's an eclipse!
No - it's Super Prick!
(Narrator)
Yes, it's Super Prick-
Strange visitor from another joke blog with porn and dementia far beyond those of mortal men. Super Prick. Who can pollute whole rivers in a single dump; suspend belief with his bare hands; and who - disguised as Adam Avitable, mild mannered dillweed from just beyond the Space Coast - fights a never ending battle for coprophagia, plastic toys, and the NSFW way!
(music cresendo)
THIS
Comments by RW
Keep it simple.
Superhero name: Sperman
tagline: "I'm coming"
Comments by Mike
"10. I can ejaculate with unerring aim."
Well - that's not true.
Comments by Miss Britt
I like Dr. Dong.
Simple and easy.
"The Sloth"
"Lazyboy and Reclinerman" ( you will need a sidekick)
"The Donger" you get the reference
Comments by The Absurdist
"Mr. Phallustastic"
You use your dick as a pogo for transportation and shout:
"Rigid Man-meat, away!"
Comments by Special K
I like Kyra's idea but I have a feeling Erik is a better procrastinator than you.
Comments by Robin
How about tripod?
And your phrase should be "Oh...oh....OHHHHHHH! zZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."
Comments by Functionally ReTodded
Um - hello - you also need a sidekick.
And a butler or whatever back at the secret Avi Lair to, you know, get out those stains.
Comments by Nanna
The Sperminator
Too much thinking this early in the morning... plus I'm concerned why your site's not blocked in my office.
I keep coming here during work hours. I'm gonna get fired before I learn my lesson.
Comments by sam
I'm so glad I read the comments. I was going to ask you when you gained a tail. Because that's a tail.... not a penis.... But then I wondered if the bubble toward the bottom was flatulence or a spirit orb.
Then I wondered if you knew my buddy the Filthy Critic.
I think I need more coffee before I can come up with anything else...
Comments by On a Limb with Claudia
Amanda, alliteration was a staple of early comics for some reason.
Karl, I don't bounce very well. I also don't do well with secret identities. Maybe I should just use my name.
Angie, Auditor?
AmyD, I like your saying!
Shiny, that's a good one, too. Maybe throw a "mighty" in there, too.
Krystle, it's photorealistic.
Poppy, only when I'm driving 200 yards.
Kyra, I like that second one. The Ejaculator . . . hmmm.
Bobgirrl, difficult or hard?
Iron Fist, teabagging time - that could be a way to humiliate criminals.
DB, ooh, since it's German it sounds fancy and angry at the same time.
Mr. Fabulous, more of an anchor.
Hello, well, the picture's a total lie, you know. I cannot fly.
RW, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mike, Sperman sounds too much like Sherman.
Britt, hey, I was aiming for that file cabinet.
Absurdist, well, the sloth would imply I'm lazy. What type of superhero is lazy?
Special K, hah! Rigid man-meat indeed.
Robin, I don't procrastinate, so yeah, probably.
Todd, I wouldn't get much crimefighting done with that phrase.
Nanna, Britt can be my Robin. Except her name will be Boobin'.
Sam, my site is safe for all children and work environments, clearly.
Claudia, that's a reflection from the sun in the top right.
Comments by Avitable
You should call yourself, "The Burginator" and your catchphrase should be, "Who do you think I am, Burger King? We're doing this bitch MY WAY!"
Comments by NYCWD
Um, excuse me? No. I am not anyone's Robin.
If you're lucky, I'll let you be MY sidekick.
But I doubt it. I have a long list of more qualified applicants on my desk already.
Comments by Miss Britt
"Look! Up in the sky!"
"No! Please, no!"
"Your evil is no match for my Nuts of Thunder, Lord Stinkfoot."
.:splooge:.
"Ew! Right in the eye! I'm BLIND!"
"Here he is, Lieutenant. Put him in the slammer, with no visitors except from some big guy he doesn't want visiting."
Crowd: "THANKS FOR CUMMING!"
"It's all in a day's work for ... CAPTAIN JIZZ!"
Comments by golfwidow
LOLOLOL RW WINS!!!
Captain Nutsack–I got nuttin
Comments by Turnbaby
How about "Super Schlong"
The phrase is easy..."Fuckers"
Comments by Trishk
I'm just trying to figure out why you're flying up toward a breast with a hairy areola.
Comments by Jeff
You could be The Lollipop...because that pic reminds me a bit of a lollipop.
And your catchphrase..."Suck on this!"
Comments by B.E. Earl
Major and General names are underused, so Major Procrastinator or General Genetalia could be good. Battle cry: "Great slippery weasels!" or "Moo!" - whichever is not already copyrighted.
Comments by Grant
After looking at this again, I just realized something...
With the mask you look a bit like Zorro. Only his sword was bigger.
Comments by Trishk
NYCWD, and then squirt them with my special mayo?
Britt, *gasp*? More qualified?
Golfwidow, now that's jizztastic.
Turnbaby, yeah, that was the best one so far.
Trishk, or "Hey fuckers, I'm here to save the day."
Jeff, wouldn't you fly towards breasts too?
BE Earl, how about, "Suck on this, evildoer!"
Grant, I think "moo" might be taken.
TrishK, I don't know about that. His sword was kinda short.
Comments by Avitable
I was thinking... Avitable Avenger. And trying to decide how you would deal with restaurants that bring you Buffalo Wings that still had the BONES in them!
And then I saw the Picture! Holy Gigantoweiner! There MUST be an Avitable Avenger balloon in next year's Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. And could you please be situated behind the Barney the Dinosaur Balloon? He needs a good poke up the ass.
Comments by Little Miss Sunshine State
Looks like you have no balls. Britt take them??
Comments by nudeman40
Everybody can just quit now, I won the damn thread. Turnbaby said so!
Comments by RW
i don't know why, but this made me think of The Mighty Heroes — did you ever see that cartoon? wasn't one of them like, a baby?
but beyond that, instead of gadzooks you could say DONKEYBALLS, amirite?
Comments by Crys
omg, i wasn't hallucinating:
do you see how old i am, avi? HOW OLD?!
Comments by Crys
i actually inserted a you tube video in my last comment but apparently you h8 me
Comments by Crys
Hmmmm, I would go with AviMan! and your phrase should be "Beware my lance of power and glory!". That seems more superhero-esque than lust and jizz, right?
Comments by Maman
How about The Bearded Clam?????
Comments by Tall Man Molly
I can't think of a good name yet, but I thought I would point out that you left out "long pants" in your list of weaknesses ;)
Comments by DebbieS
I kind of like AvitMan. Sounds just a teeny bit like Adam Ant. But, uh, just based on the drawing, you might want to think about Flaccid Man....
Comments by Jennifer
SuperSchlong able to fuck 12 bitches in a single pound.
Comments by Kay
Make that 14. Superschlong could back off jack off and fuck the other 2.
Comments by Kay
Sunshine, so you're saying that Barney needs some buttfucking?
Nudeman, yup. She keeps them in a small case, and I'm allowed to play with them if I'm good.
RW, and if Turnbaby says something, it's the law!
Crystal, I don't remember that cartoon. But you're soooo much older than I am. :)
Maman, I like that phrase - it's all classy and shit.
Tall Man Molly, that could be my female sidekick.
DebbieS, that was my super-secret weakness. Thanks for ruining it!
Jennifer, well, he can't be erect 24/7.
Kay, but what if SuperSchlong wants to fuck 12 outstanding young women, not bitches?
Comments by Avitable
How about Captain Tripod? I think that fits.
http://roadtoimmortality.wordpress.com/
Comments by phelix
Phelix, that might have to be the one.
Comments by Avitable
Long Duck Dong
"What's happenin' hot stuff?"
Comments by Vulgar Wizard
Well if you aren't going to wear tights then ... I am at a total loss...
Evil doers beware...
It's the Might Man Meat and his trusty side-kick Red Cape.
Comments by Nat
VW, does anybody say "hot stuff" anymore?
Nat, Mighty Man Meat sounds like it could be a tasty TV dinner.
Comments by Avitable
You know, it's a shame that you've decided to go with something other than the basic "Super Avi." Because we happen to already have a cape we could loan you:
link to the Flickr page because I don't think I can embed images in comments...
Granted it fits much better if you're under five feet...
Comments by Shiny
Shiny, is that your son? I might have to sue him for trademark infringement.
Comments by Avitable
I'd like to see Barney get his poke up the ass on National TV. And Barney says Please and Thank You. Oh, the educational value!
Comments by Little Miss Sunshine State
I can't help with the name, etc., but I just had to tell you that I was sitting outside at a restaurant tonight when the Batmobile drove by. No shit...
Comments by Finn
Well... um.. you kind of look like a lollipop there.
Comments by Anndi
Obviously your phrase should be cockslapping monkeyfucker. Right?! I really liked Karl's suggestion, and RW's, and I forget who else. (Yes, I am too lazy/ buzzed to scroll back up and see specifically!) There were some good ones!
That picture is fantabulous.
Comments by Sybil Law
Avitable the Super Savior-or ASS for short
You could shout "FUCKIN' A!!!" as you take flight or kick ass
Comments by metalmom
Sunshine, it's always important to say please and thank you when getting anally reamed.
Finn, that's awesome!
Anndi, except that you suck on the wrong end.
Sybil, that's true. "Cockslapping Monkeyfucker!"
Metalmom, ASS to the rescue.
Comments by Avitable
See, but him not being able to keep it up 24/7 is just inside-the-box thinking. This is cutting edge material you're working on here. smile.
Comments by Jennifer
Okay...thinking on things you like....you like things fried, so I was trying to think of something with "fry" in it. We have a deep-fat fryer called a "Fry Daddy." I think that would be perfect! And your line could be, "Who's your daddy?"
Comments by BlondeBlogger
Your name shall henceforth be Captain Mighty Cock and your catch phrase will be "By the Power of Long Schlong!"
Comments by kapgar