As many of you already know from my treatise on dog fucking, at my heart, I am an educator.
So when my stats showed that someone found my blog by searching Google for "What do I do with my jizz when I'm finished masturbating?" I knew I had to leap into action. Edu-action!
Clearly another misguided soul came to my blog seeking enlightenment, and who was I to deny him?
Well, my young onanist, from my meticulous research (which consisted of thinking really hard, doing one Google search that yielded nothing and one that yielded WAY too much, and reviewing an extensive porn collection), there are five different types of ejaculating moves after a man is done masturbating, and these moves determine what type of masturbator he is.
The five different types of pickle strokers are as follows: drippers, grippers, lickers, sippers, and sprayers.
Drippers: This is arguably the most common method of ejaculation after masturbation. Once the man is finished relishing his hot dog, he immediately finds a venue with which he can release his baby batter. Whether this is a plastic cup, a tissue, a sock, a magazine, a fake vagina, a towel, or even the carpet, the penis is emptied and then put away for the next rainy day.
Pros: Quick and easy.
Cons: Stiff, dried socks and hand towels emit strange odor if not washed quickly.
Grippers: The gripper is a bit more fastidious than the dripper. Once he is done clubbing the dolphin, he uses his hand to create a vise grip under the head of the penis, preventing any leaking of the salty yogurt, and then he moves to a safe location, such as a toilet or bathtub, and releases his orgasm in one grunt.
Pros: Usually cleaner. If emptied in toilet, can flush, then wash hands, and be done.
Cons: Have to make it to bathroom. If you cough or trip, watch out for a cumsplosion.
Lickers: A licker is the least common masturbator, as it requires a combination of flexibility and above-average penis length. The licker is also known as auto-fellatio, and instead of doing the knuckle shuffle, he uses his hands to push his pelvis into his face, where he can suck himself off and swallow the resulting kiddie cocktail.
Pros: Has to be more fun than the other ways. No mess at all.
Cons: People have broken their necks trying this.
Sippers: When it comes to masturbating, the sipper is a bit stranger. They're just as interested in the resulting creme de men as the actual act of playing the skin flute. Once they've ejaculated, they usually hold it in their palm or other container, and devour the sputum in one gulp.
Pros: No clean up. Fun from beginning to end.
Cons: Might ruin your dinner.
Sprayers: These men have usually watched too many porn movies and consider themselves amateur John Holmeses. The wanking is just part of the fun, but it's all a buildup to the whitewater volcano, which he lets fly in multiple streams. It might land on the desk or couch, although typically it's all over his own chest, stomach, legs, and testicles. The more distance one can get, the closer one is, theoretically, to meeting Jenna Jameson and showing her what a real man does.
Pros: It's almost an Olympic sport.
Cons: It can be a bitch to get out of matted hair.
So, my fist fucking friend, there are your options when it comes to releasing the hostages. Choose wisely, and may your penis be unchafed, your stroke be even, and your orgasm magnificent!
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You said there were SIX types. What's the sixth type?
Comments by Karl
"Cumsplosion" is my new favorite word
Comments by Amanda
Oh No! Is your neck Ok?
Comments by bluepaintred
You are an amazing educator. In a sick, twisted kind of way.
Comments by Mary
And my heatwave continues....
Comments by Hilly
Obviously this needs to be printed out and given to every 10 year old boy in the world. This is much more important than any of the crap he'll learn in school.
Comments by Jay
"If you cough or trip, watch out for a cumsplosion" and "an injection of the gay" are the best phrases i have heard all week. i'm so glad al gore invented the internets.
Comments by hello haha narf
This should definitely be included in the young boy's manual. This is essential information to know when you're going through the stages. And good tips.
Comments by yoshi
... and remember, it's totally cool to be a grower not a shower!
Comments by AmyD
Oh shit... that would be show-er not SHOWER as in... how Avi releases HIS hostages.
Geez.
Comments by AmyD
Jackinworld.com could use you...
Comments by Freelance Guru
The holy grail of masturbation - the Licker. I think we all wish, at least a little bit, to be able to pull that one off. Uh oh, I just admitted that I want to suck dick.
Comments by Brandon
I just found this and had to come here right away and tell you about it. Have you seen this already:
http://www.meatspin.com/
I'm not bold enough to post it but thought you would be.
Comments by BlondeBlogger
Where are my comments going?
Comments by BlondeBlogger
Do you not allow links to a certain "meat" site? I keep trying to leave a comment to you with the link to it to see if you've seen it.
Comments by BlondeBlogger
No way - that sipper thing has to be made up...
Comments by Dee
you continue to amaze me. You also continue to disgust, sicken, appall and skeeze me out.
Comments by Functionally ReTodded
Karl, yeah, sorry about that.
Amanda, word or activity?
BPR, I learned a painful lesson as a teen.
Mary, I'm like Gandhi, but better dressed.
Hilly, you're a gusher, aren't you?
Jay, I know. I sent it around to the schools, but they sent the FBI to my house.
Hello, Al Gore certainly was awesome!
Yoshi, and maybe some enterprising young man will invent a sixth way!
AmyD, this is all about the subsequent shower, though.
Freelance Guru, I should go supplement their knowledge banks.
Brandon, eh, if it's yours that you want to suck, it's okay.
BB, the spam filter caught you with that. I rescued one of them.
Dee, it might be. I'm kinda guessing here.
Todd, but not arouse?
Comments by Avitable
This is a good start, but an instructional video would be even better.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Good lord. I need to STOP reading blogs as soon as I wake up in the mornings. ;)
Comments by Sandi
"As many of you already know from my treatise on dog fucking that at heart, I am an educator."
Comments by Miss Britt
I just don't know what to say. I think the only thing I can do is this:
Comments by Lisa
WOW. That's all I can say, just W-0-W. In every way that is good and bad, sick, twisted, and inspired, WOW.
Comments by Miss Anne Derstood
highly informational for girls and boys!
Comments by corrin
Of all of these methods, the licker is the most twisted.
I know. I'm sorry. It's Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
Comments by golfwidow
Why did reading about lickers make me cringe? It's not like I haven't done that myself with a guy.
Comments by Robin
There is an entire scene from the second season of Weeds dedicated to this topic. And of course some dear person has posted it on You Tube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWzOQTFwRBE
The banana thing kind of haunts me. I'll never be able to see a 12 year old boy run off with a banana from the fruit bowl again with shivering.
Comments by Melizzard
I just love the word onanist.
Comments by Turnbaby
GODDAMMIT!! I was fucking eating for Christ sake!
Comments by Peggy
I learned something today. Thank you.
Are you masturbating in that picture?
Comments by Finn
Mr. Fabulous, I'm working on that part. Does $49.95 sound like too much to ask?
Sandi, my blog should wake you right up immediately. Better than coffee.
Britt, gee, thanks.
Lisa, you're turned on now, aren't you?
Miss Anne, those are good WOWs.
Corrin, maybe I should write something on girls, too. So they don't feel left out.
Golfwidow, Thursdays are indeed a bother.
Robin, oh, I'm sure you have!
Melizzard, cool - I'll have to watch that.
Turnbaby, biblical language turns you on, does it?
Peggy, was it warm and salty?
Finn, allegedly.
Comments by Avitable
While informative and good on some level to know, this still leaves me thinking, Eew. Still trying to decide if maybe I preferred yesterday's post.
Comments by Jennifer
This explains the oddly stiff surfaces in the boy's bedrooms.They can make their own beds from now on!
Comments by metalmom
Thank you for the masturbating education.
Since I don't have a penis, my masturbating is always easy and clean.
Well, mostly...
Comments by themuttprincess
I have nothing to add to this conversation. You wrote a boy post.
If you had allowed for a partner to assist I'd at least have a link for you to refer to.
Comments by Poppy
Jennifer, education can make you go "Ew".
Metalmom, and wash them daily!
TMP, so you're not one of those projectile spraying women, apparently.
Poppy, you think like a boy - you don't have anything to offer?
Comments by Avitable
I have plenty to offer, but only if I'm in on the action.
Comments by Poppy
I have plenty to offer, but only if I'm in on the action.
(zing?)
Comments by Poppy
I like to use it to make macaroni art.
You know...the stuff you used to do in 1st grade with dry macaroni and elmer's glue.
Just replace the glue with jizz. Fun!
Comments by B.E. Earl
I have no words. I am in awe of your ability to both entertain, inform and gross me out at the same time.
Comments by MsBatman
One benefit to being a sprayer is never having to pay anyone to paint a room white.
Just sayin'... 'cause its all about the economics...
Comments by NYCWD
It was a sausage biscuit.
Comments by Peggy
If you're going to educate you at least need to mention that sprayers should wear safety goggles while they pump the porpoise.
Comments by othurme
Wow. I'm impressed with the thorough way in which you've explored this topic. Very informative. Thank you.
Comments by Gwen
Best. Title. Ever.
Comments by DebbieS
Comments by Tracy Lynn
That is exactly what I am saying.
Comments by themuttprincess
Sippers and Lickers? Seriously??
I am so happy to be a girl.
Comments by Honeybell
Poppy, is it a zing when you say it twice?
BE Earl, that is fun. And just like glue, it's edible, too.
MsBatman, it's a rare gift.
NYCWD, but my room's blue!
Peggy, so my post went well with your meal.
Othurme, should, but most of them don't. It's responsible for tens of eye injuries every century.
Gwen, anytime. There will be a short test on Tuesday.
DebbieS, I almost used "Onan the Barbarian" but thought that might be too obscure.
Tracy, don't you expect this by now?
TMP, except sometimes?
Honeybell, yeah, but you've got spreaders, rubbers, fingerfuckers, and moaners.
Comments by Avitable
The Gripper should also watch out for sneezes. I've yet to meet anyone who can keep a firm hold of whatever is in their hands when they sneeze.
And I have to wonder what my boss thinks of me when he looks over my shoulder when I'm reading your blog.
Comments by Marissa
Ooooh spooge post!!! I can't even see thw words I'm writing cause the "Add Webcam" and "Add Audio" comment things are in my way.
I think you jizzed all over and now they're sliding down the screen!
I don't know why I love hearing and reading about jizz. Haha
Minus the ones who like to ingest their own - that's weird.
Yeah, obviously I am not a snowballer.
Comments by Sybil Law
When I first read the post title, I thought "Huh? What can this be about?"
So I kept reading....
And now I know.
I've simply got to come over here more often.
Er... When I say "come," I mean visit.
As far as you know.
Comments by Janna
I think that makes it a double zing.
Your site hates me, which is why it submitted it twice.
Comments by Poppy
Marissa, that is true. Sneezing can be very bad.
Sybil Law, what browser are you using? You are clearly a fan of the jizz.
Janna, you mean you don't check my blog daily? Hourly?
Poppy, my site was trying to avoid the zing, clearly.
Comments by Avitable
Note to self: Do not read this website when eating lunch containing mashed potatoes.
Sheesh. The title totally warned me.
Comments by Miss
Yes, sometimes there is more moisture than others.... But nothing that would need a manual to figure out.
Comments by themuttprincess
You'd think so, wouldn't you? And yet every time , I'm all
.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
So, my question is...
which type are you?
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
You said: "Janna, you mean you don't check my blog daily? Hourly?"
Well, I use a complicated formula.
I take the number of times YOU'VE visited MY blog, then I take the square root of that and multiply it by the current price of gasoline per gallon, then divide by the number of times I fainted that week from lack of sex.
The resulting number is the amount of times I visit your blog that day.
Half my computer memory is devoted to calculating this important number, but it's worth it.
Comments by Janna
Yep. It turned into Sausage gravy and biscuits.
YUM!!
Comments by Peggy
"Cumsplosion" made me laugh so hard that I simultaneously laughed, coughed, farted, and peed a little bit. All at the same time. Right next to my husband.
Yeahhhh....I'm hot.
Comments by Stephanie
Miss, or while drinking warm milk.
TMP, good point.
Tracy, and here I thought you were smart.
CMG, the gripper.
Janna, I visit your blog every time you post! I just don't comment all the time.
Peggy, indeed.
Comments by Avitable
Stephanie, rawr.
Comments by Avitable
I have one word: AWESOME.
Okay, I have some more words too... Another benefit of the sprayer? He can create his own "Pollack" masterpieces. ;) Please tell me you have seen Shortbus?
Comments by Gina
Gina, I have not seen Shortbus. I don't even know what that is.
Comments by Avitable
Shortbus is a great film.
Comments by Gina
Gina, I'll have to check it out.
Comments by Avitable
Wow.
I'm not sure if this information was actually necessary for me to have (especially the fictitious part about sippers), but who knows how long I would have lived my life not knowing any of this if I hadn't been reading your blog.
So, thanks?
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
@ Avitable: Definitely do. One very sexual and provocative film...
Comments by Gina
As someone who partakes in all of these, I've got to say that while it is often the most convenient, dripping is by far the least fun: there's too much attention being focussed on catching it & not enough on your orgasm. Autofellatio is the most satisfying, as you can probably imagine—the lightheadedness it usually creates increases the payoff enormously. I don't always have the flexibility for it, though, especially in the morning while I'm still stiff from sleeping. It sucks to be a quarter-inch from success when at other times I can get a good two inches into my gob. Sipping was something I'd done once or twice in the past, but I never liked the texture, but since I started sucking myself off—& came to like the taste—I do that a lot more too ('tain't fictitious, Girl, Dislocated). The gripper method comes in handy on those occasions I want to wank in public because there's some ravishing beauty in sight nearby. Spraying is... well, messy. Satisfying when it really shoots, though.
Having typed this out & looked back over the other comments, I'm not sure I should have bothered... but perhaps my experiences may assist or enlighten some poor soul seeking information, so I'll post it anyway.
Comments by Greggory