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The Sound of One Hand Fapping

As many of you already know from my treatise on dog fucking, at my heart, I am an educator.

So when my stats showed that someone found my blog by searching Google for “What do I do with my jizz when I’m finished masturbating?” I knew I had to leap into action. Edu-action!

Clearly another misguided soul came to my blog seeking enlightenment, and who was I to deny him?

Well, my young onanist, from my meticulous research (which consisted of thinking really hard, doing one Google search that yielded nothing and one that yielded WAY too much, and reviewing an extensive porn collection), there are five different types of ejaculating moves after a man is done masturbating, and these moves determine what type of masturbator he is.

The five different types of pickle strokers are as follows: drippers, grippers, lickers, sippers, and sprayers.

Drippers: This is arguably the most common method of ejaculation after masturbation. Once the man is finished relishing his hot dog, he immediately finds a venue with which he can release his baby batter. Whether this is a plastic cup, a tissue, a sock, a magazine, a fake vagina, a towel, or even the carpet, the penis is emptied and then put away for the next rainy day.
Pros: Quick and easy.
Cons: Stiff, dried socks and hand towels emit strange odor if not washed quickly.

Grippers: The gripper is a bit more fastidious than the dripper. Once he is done clubbing the dolphin, he uses his hand to create a vise grip under the head of the penis, preventing any leaking of the salty yogurt, and then he moves to a safe location, such as a toilet or bathtub, and releases his orgasm in one grunt.
Pros: Usually cleaner. If emptied in toilet, can flush, then wash hands, and be done.
Cons: Have to make it to bathroom. If you cough or trip, watch out for a cumsplosion.

Lickers: A licker is the least common masturbator, as it requires a combination of flexibility and above-average penis length. The licker is also known as auto-fellatio, and instead of doing the knuckle shuffle, he uses his hands to push his pelvis into his face, where he can suck himself off and swallow the resulting kiddie cocktail.
Pros: Has to be more fun than the other ways. No mess at all.
Cons: People have broken their necks trying this.

Sippers: When it comes to masturbating, the sipper is a bit stranger. They’re just as interested in the resulting creme de men as the actual act of playing the skin flute. Once they’ve ejaculated, they usually hold it in their palm or other container, and devour the sputum in one gulp.
Pros: No clean up. Fun from beginning to end.
Cons: Might ruin your dinner.

Sprayers: These men have usually watched too many porn movies and consider themselves amateur John Holmeses. The wanking is just part of the fun, but it’s all a buildup to the whitewater volcano, which he lets fly in multiple streams. It might land on the desk or couch, although typically it’s all over his own chest, stomach, legs, and testicles. The more distance one can get, the closer one is, theoretically, to meeting Jenna Jameson and showing her what a real man does.
Pros: It’s almost an Olympic sport.
Cons: It can be a bitch to get out of matted hair.

So, my fist fucking friend, there are your options when it comes to releasing the hostages. Choose wisely, and may your penis be unchafed, your stroke be even, and your orgasm magnificent!

Humor Blogs is all about mutual masturbation.

70 thoughts on “The Sound of One Hand Fapping”

  1. Karl, yeah, sorry about that.

    Amanda, word or activity?

    BPR, I learned a painful lesson as a teen.

    Mary, I’m like Gandhi, but better dressed.

    Hilly, you’re a gusher, aren’t you?

    Jay, I know. I sent it around to the schools, but they sent the FBI to my house.

    Hello, Al Gore certainly was awesome!

    Yoshi, and maybe some enterprising young man will invent a sixth way!

    AmyD, this is all about the subsequent shower, though.

    Freelance Guru, I should go supplement their knowledge banks.

    Brandon, eh, if it’s yours that you want to suck, it’s okay.

    BB, the spam filter caught you with that. I rescued one of them.

    Dee, it might be. I’m kinda guessing here.

    Todd, but not arouse?

  2. Mr. Fabulous, I’m working on that part. Does $49.95 sound like too much to ask?

    Sandi, my blog should wake you right up immediately. Better than coffee.

    Britt, gee, thanks.

    Lisa, you’re turned on now, aren’t you?

    Miss Anne, those are good WOWs.

    Corrin, maybe I should write something on girls, too. So they don’t feel left out.

    Golfwidow, Thursdays are indeed a bother.

    Robin, oh, I’m sure you have!

    Melizzard, cool – I’ll have to watch that.

    Turnbaby, biblical language turns you on, does it?

    Peggy, was it warm and salty?

    Finn, allegedly.

  3. Jennifer, education can make you go “Ew”.

    Metalmom, and wash them daily!

    TMP, so you’re not one of those projectile spraying women, apparently.

    Poppy, you think like a boy – you don’t have anything to offer?

  4. Poppy, is it a zing when you say it twice?

    BE Earl, that is fun. And just like glue, it’s edible, too.

    MsBatman, it’s a rare gift.

    NYCWD, but my room’s blue!

    Peggy, so my post went well with your meal.

    Othurme, should, but most of them don’t. It’s responsible for tens of eye injuries every century.

    Gwen, anytime. There will be a short test on Tuesday.

    DebbieS, I almost used “Onan the Barbarian” but thought that might be too obscure.

    Tracy, don’t you expect this by now?

    TMP, except sometimes?

    Honeybell, yeah, but you’ve got spreaders, rubbers, fingerfuckers, and moaners.

  5. The Gripper should also watch out for sneezes. I’ve yet to meet anyone who can keep a firm hold of whatever is in their hands when they sneeze.

    And I have to wonder what my boss thinks of me when he looks over my shoulder when I’m reading your blog.

  6. Ooooh spooge post!!! I can’t even see thw words I’m writing cause the “Add Webcam” and “Add Audio” comment things are in my way.
    I think you jizzed all over and now they’re sliding down the screen!
    I don’t know why I love hearing and reading about jizz. Haha
    Minus the ones who like to ingest their own – that’s weird.
    Yeah, obviously I am not a snowballer. :jerkoff2:

  7. When I first read the post title, I thought “Huh? What can this be about?”

    So I kept reading….
    And now I know.

    I’ve simply got to come over here more often.

    Er… When I say “come,” I mean visit.
    As far as you know.

  8. Marissa, that is true. Sneezing can be very bad.

    Sybil Law, what browser are you using? You are clearly a fan of the jizz.

    Janna, you mean you don’t check my blog daily? Hourly?

    Poppy, my site was trying to avoid the zing, clearly.

  9. You said: “Janna, you mean you don’t check my blog daily? Hourly?”

    Well, I use a complicated formula.
    I take the number of times YOU’VE visited MY blog, then I take the square root of that and multiply it by the current price of gasoline per gallon, then divide by the number of times I fainted that week from lack of sex.

    The resulting number is the amount of times I visit your blog that day.

    Half my computer memory is devoted to calculating this important number, but it’s worth it.

  10. Miss, or while drinking warm milk.

    TMP, good point.

    Tracy, and here I thought you were smart.

    CMG, the gripper.

    Janna, I visit your blog every time you post! I just don’t comment all the time.

    Peggy, indeed.

  11. I have one word: AWESOME.

    Okay, I have some more words too… Another benefit of the sprayer? He can create his own “Pollack” masterpieces. 😉 Please tell me you have seen Shortbus?


  12. Wow.

    I’m not sure if this information was actually necessary for me to have (especially the fictitious part about sippers), but who knows how long I would have lived my life not knowing any of this if I hadn’t been reading your blog.

    So, thanks?

  13. As someone who partakes in all of these, I’ve got to say that while it is often the most convenient, dripping is by far the least fun: there’s too much attention being focussed on catching it & not enough on your orgasm. Autofellatio is the most satisfying, as you can probably imagine—the lightheadedness it usually creates increases the payoff enormously. I don’t always have the flexibility for it, though, especially in the morning while I’m still stiff from sleeping. It sucks to be a quarter-inch from success when at other times I can get a good two inches into my gob. Sipping was something I’d done once or twice in the past, but I never liked the texture, but since I started sucking myself off—& came to like the taste—I do that a lot more too (’tain’t fictitious, Girl, Dislocated). The gripper method comes in handy on those occasions I want to wank in public because there’s some ravishing beauty in sight nearby. Spraying is… well, messy. Satisfying when it really shoots, though.

    Having typed this out & looked back over the other comments, I’m not sure I should have bothered… but perhaps my experiences may assist or enlighten some poor soul seeking information, so I’ll post it anyway.

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