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The high of chewing

I have a confession to make.

I am an addict.

No, I’m not addicted to Diet Coke. I can kick that habit at any time. And no, not to masturbation or porn. My penis can’t handle the chafing.

I’m addicted to gum.

I can trace this back to my dislike of bad breath. I’ve always hated talking to people that had bad breath, and I never wanted to be that person, so since I was a kid, I always had a piece of gum in my mouth.

In my teens, my budget was sparse, so gum had to be hoarded. I would buy a pack or two when I went to the grocery store with my mother and chew half-pieces at a time, making sure that each piece lasted forever.

As I got into college and law school, it was simple. I’d just grab a whole box of gum from the rack at the grocery store and that would last me a month or two.

Now, however, it’s a different story. I barely go to the store. We eat out for most of our meals, so our grocery shopping is something that might happen once a month, maybe. This meant that I was making specific trips to Walgreens or Publix just to buy gum.

Yesterday, though, the true nature of my addiction was hammered home. I didn’t wake up shivering having fever dreams about giant pink bubbles eating my soul, no. Nor did I find myself giving a leprotic bum a handjob for a piece of Wrigley’s. I didn’t even find myself selling our TV to the pawn shop so that I could afford the newest flavor of Hubba Bubba.

All I did was look at my receipt for the gum order that I placed.

Is there like a GCA (Gum Chewer’s Anonymous) Meeting around here that I can join?

71 thoughts on “The high of chewing”

  1. There is no shame in wanting to have fresh breath. Especially if one has been eating “chocoritos”.
    I think I speak for the world when I say “CHEW muthafucka ….CHEW”!

    and on a side note ….. I want to thank you for inspiring me to start a blog.
    May I one day be as clever and witty as you?
    probably not …. but nothing ventured , nothing gained.

  2. Oh, my. That is a lot of money for gum. I just tried the 5 gum today for the first time, and yes, it is almost worth spending hundreds of dollars on.

    On a lighter note…last night I said to Bossy, “Now tell us about Avitable…what was he like? What was he really like?” She had nothing but nice things to say about you. Of course, we didn’t discuss 2 girls 1 cup or dolphin sex, but it was good to hear that you’re a regular kinds of guy and nice person. If I ever go on my own excellent road trip, can I stay at your house?

  3. your addiction aside, I have heard of the Flare flavour and tasted it, not impressed, but what is this Rain and Cobalt? I am curious if I need to have the parental units bring some when they visit.

  4. I would always see the gum above the trashcan and I assumed it was a lifetime supply you were holding onto. But apparently it’s about a week’s worth..

  5. I like Flare the best of the 5s. (I’m a cinnamon junkie.)

    My brother and I are both gum appreciators. His collection is much more vast than mine. I tend to be quirky about mine. If I am ever somewhere else than where I live I *need* to sample the gums of that region. Canada is my favoritest place to shop for gum.

  6. Holy crap! That’s a lot of gum. I can relate in a way though. I, too, can’t stand bad breath and try to be sure mine is always minty-fresh. I’ve never been without a mint or a piece of gum or something since I was young.

  7. Amanda, is there gum rehab?

    NYCWD, yeah it does.

    Zom, dude. Livejournal?

    Jay, I chose not to have it gift wrapped, although it’s always nice getting presents.

    Shiny, they’ve got all different cool types of candy and gum.

    Karl, everybody knows where I live already.

    Mary, does that have something to do with Firefly?

    Jason, whatever Georgia said – all lies, I tell ya. And my house is always open to guests.

    DaDuck, I only got one case of Flare because I haven’t tasted it yet. Rain is spearmint (I think) and Cobalt is normal?

    Jared, I let it run out without refilling it. Argh.

    Penelope, I like to pour it out on my bed and roll around naked in it.

    Jordon, I have no ability to resist temptation.

    Dan, tried those – they’re even more expensive!

    Turnbaby, I bet her breath smelled like tobacco and coffee, too.

    Britt, I had to break into my emergency stash, but I’ve got some. And overnight shipping was about $80.

    Poppy, I’m hoping that I like the Flare. You should check out Candy Direct – they have a ton of different flavors.

    Mr. Fabulous, ain’t that the truth!

    Em, see? So it’s not something I can avoid. Might as well embrace it.

  8. Yikes !!
    I thought I chewed a lot of gum, but you have me beat hands down. Lately I’m a big fan of the Trident Watermelon Twist(with Xylitol!), but the 5 is some damn fine gum, too.
    didja ever try the Citrus with Blackberry Trident Splash ? I only found it last week, but apparently, it’s discontinued.

  9. What, am I going to point fingers? Your gum addiction is more cost-effective, less dangerous, and less offensive, breathwise, than my cigarette addiction ever was, and if you drop a piece of chewed gum on the tablecloth, you can just pick it up and throw it away without having to explain to your mom how that burn hole got on there.

  10. Wouldn’t be easier to go to Sam’s or Costco or BJ’s to get your gum? No shipping.

    I :heartbeat: your taste in gum though.

    PS – Do you know your address is showing in the screenshot?

  11. Sandi, this is true.

    Paticus, I was not able to find that Citrus with Blackberry gum. Oh well.

    Golfwidow, your mom still nags you for smoking?

    Robin, well, yes, we can’t forget the dolphin porn.

    Jordon, why bother, right?

    DB, it might last nine months.

    Sunshine, well, I do share it with my employees . . .

    Finn, I only go to Sam’s as a last resort. And I have my address everywhere.

    Poppy, why do you always have to ruin my nefarious plans?

    Karl, especially because this website has a better selection, too.

    TrishK, that would have cost another $60 or more. I’m not THAT addicted.

  12. I’m something of a gumaholic myself. I don’t always keep it around, but when I do I can’t stop chain-chewing until the whole pack is gone. I’m starting my own 5 step program which will eventually replace this habit with shooting heroin.

  13. OMG! I heart Candy Direct! But I swore never to visit it again after I found myself ordering 5-lb bags of Brach’s Starbrite mints (the red kind, DUH) only to find out it would only last a week (if that), and who wants to keep paying the shipping on repeat orders? Sure, I could stock up for like a month but that would be admitting I have a problem.

  14. You don’t need a GCA meeting. All you have to do is get down on your knees and ask a power grearer than yourself( Britt??) to keep you away from a stick of gum for ONE day.. Thank that higher power at night In time the cravings will subside. Either that or you will be homeless, in a mental institution or in jail. If so maybe then you might need a meeting… On second thought you could go now and save yourself a miserable five years…

  15. I may start keeping tabs on how much I chew. I have it in my mouth constantly. Once I ran out of Winterfresh and had a piece of Big Red and Babygirl noticed RIGHT AWAY! That’s when I knew I had a problem!

  16. Cool, your address is there.
    This means if Fab should (*ahem*) ever mysteriously disappear, (*cough*), then I can start stalking you instead.

    C’mon. It’ll be fun.
    I can leave boob prints all over your windows while you sleep.
    Fab always liked it if I covered them in Crisco first, mixed with a few drops of blue food coloring.

    Once he wanted them covered in macaroni & cheese, but that’s kind of an embarrassing story.

  17. Poppy, now everybody knows!

    Grant, I still chew sparingly and only use another piece when the taste and freshness are gone.

    Christie, you’re a blowjob queen, too, aren’t you?

    TMP, and now you’re my favorite blogger ever.

    Crystal, but what if it’s funky like P. Funk?

    Lion and Magic Boy, I also ordered a case of Strawberry Milkshake Whoppers!

    Nudeman, there’s no power greater than myself, though.

    Tug, chewing regular gum after that is just sad.

    Othurme, shhhh – at my house, it’s 75%. Did you get your iPod?

    Metalmom, I used to stick a piece behind my ear when I was eating food.

    Tracy, what about my addiction to Gimore Girls? Shit.

    Mindy, I don’t like mints, and there’s usually more sugar in them.

    Janna, I’ve posted my address multiple times. Stalkers can apply by sending a resume and portfolio to my first name at my last name dot com.

    AmyD, hopefully you got of bed because you had to pee because otherwise, ew.

    Tab, I just ran out yesterday. I have the shakes right now.

  18. What is this, everyone else’s first day on your blog?

    Give everyone else a little more credit! They know you like young girls! You TOLD them several times before!

    omg i am tired. stop kidding-fighting with me.

  19. Stephanie, probably about nine months. Maybe.

    Maria, go to and sign up for a free account.

    Poppy, go sleep, Poppy!

    Kris, it’s a big heavy box.

    Jennifer, what? You don’t find it fascinating?

  20. I love gum. Your total was pretty preposterous, but still – I totally get it. I have a real oral fixation myself, as several people have pointed out to me.
    I do like the sugar free gum, though.
    When you get it, are you going to post pics of the huge stash?!
    Oh – you need a blowing bubblegum smiley!!

  21. Errr…WTF! For loving gum so much, how come you don’t have a bubblegum popping emoticon?

    Get on that, k?

    I’m sure you can find a gum snappin’, blow job giving emoticon? I can just see the “pop” and sticky stretch of gum.

    Geez! Do I have to come up with everything. 🙂

    ~Scout’s Honor
    Another gum-addicted blogista

  22. Jennifer, since you’re so fascinated, you’ll love to hear that my gum arrived today. Woot!

    Heather, the ice breakers are good, but I think the flavor disappears too quickly.

    Sybil, my stash arrived today, and it looks woefully tiny.

    Bec, these are spearmint, cinnamon, and peppermint. They just have trendy names. Which means I’m cool when I chew them.

    Poppy, swell fonne boobee.

    DaDuck, I just got it, so I’ll have to try it and see what I think.

    Scout’s Honor, I’m fully protected against gum-nappers.

    Stacey, this gum tends to last me a few hours, so I like it.

    Kapgar, I can’t help it, man. It’s an addiction.

    Krystle, no – this keeps them sharp and finely honed.

    Marissa, I spend that much on BBW hand soaps, too!

    Atomic Bombshell, nah – my jaws are strong like bull.

    Hello, fresh breath is worth it.

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