Dirty Talk Featured Image

Please don’t read this.

I’m telling you now. You really don’t want to read this story. It’s a horrifying example of (a) how disgusting college boys are and (b) things you never wanted to think about.

.
.
.
.
.
.

Still here? Fine.

When I was a freshman in college, I had a roommate for the first semester. Dan was one of those guys that seemed nice but turned out to be a bit of a prick. Maybe he was uncomfortable because I was one of three guys who had to get him out of his vomit-stained clothes and into bed when he was passed out drunk at a frat party, or maybe he just couldn’t figure out why I didn’t really drink, but that’s neither here nor there.

Unlike every other dorm room on our floor, ours was at the corner of the building, where it formed an L shape. This meant that we actually had two separate rooms with a large doorway. This was a nice arrangement because it gave each of us our own privacy.

What did I do with my privacy, you might ask? (well, nobody should be asking, because none of you should be reading this!)

I masturbated. Constantly. And I wasn’t down with the whole “come into a tissue” thing, because you always got paper stuck to the head of your dick that you had to wash off in the shower and then guys thought you were playing with yourself in the group shower. And I didn’t want to jerk off in a sock or a towel or anything like that, because I had to do my own laundry and the laundry room was down five flights of stairs in the basement.

So, instead, I had a cup that I got at a frat party that seemed like the perfect seminal receptacle. And at night, when I was done masturbating, I would ejaculate into the cup, and then put it aside. Now, at first, I had good intentions. Each night, I’d say to myself, “Self, I’ll wash that out in the morning.” But then, once I woke up, I’d realize that it was mostly dried, so what was the point?

Instead, I just continued to add layer upon layer of sticky semen. And I did learn one interesting tidbit, too – It never really dried completely. Each new addition of semen just added to the glistening gelatinous pile that ended up looking like a yellow-white version of that sticky green slime you could buy from the coin-op machines at the grocery store.

Let me digress at this point to introduce two new characters, Todd and TJ. TJ had the room right next to ours, and he was a very mellow guy. Very. Mellow. Always with the mellowing. And one day, he got caught being mellow and getting mellow and they mellowed his mellow ass out of the dorms. Todd was the resident asshole on our floor. He was very gung-ho about fraternities and he played baseball and he thought he was pretty much the king shit. (“Thought” being the operative word. The night I held a 9-inch blade up to his throat and told him to shut the fuck up so that I could get some sleep and he almost peed himself is another story for another time).

Here we were, with TJ gone and an empty room on our floor. Todd knew that Dan and I didn’t really get along, so, one day, he took it upon himself to start moving my stuff into the empty room. While he would protest that he thought he was helping, the truth was that I hadn’t yet decided to move, and my parents had said “no,” due to the cost of a single vs. double. But I came home from class to find many of my possessions moved to the empty single, with only my bureau and its contents remaining. I refused to help, so Todd and Dan started carrying over all of the items that littered the top of the bureau.

Todd picked up the cup and looked at it strangely. I tried to bite my lip and not look horrified. He looked inside, then stuck his finger in there and pushed. “What is this, Avitable?” he asked. “A candle or something?”

“Yes, it’s a candle, Todd. Smell it and see if you can see what type.” I tried not to guffaw and pee myself.

So he stuck his nose all the way into the cup and took one big sniff.

The best part was what was stuck to his nose when he pulled it out.


This post doesn’t really belong on Humor-Blogs.com.

Share the love:
RSS
Follow by Email
Google+
Google+
http://www.avitable.com/2008/04/15/please-dont-read-this/
YouTube
Pinterest
LinkedIn
Instagram
snapchat
whatsapp

90 Replies to “Please don’t read this.”

  1. AmyD

    Oh dear… well… I mean… oh my. This is sort of like the first time your kid asks you how babies are made and you aren’t prepared. There should be some sort of pre-arrangement for this sort of…

    oh my.

  2. Brandon

    God I’m glad I had a roommate that was barely ever there. It was like having a single. He’d just come home and sleep and be gone all weekend long. He didn’t have any vices or anything gross about him. I kind of feel like I missed out, but after a story like this, I don’t feel too bad about missing out.

  3. Meg

    Last week I cooked and ate one of those frozen lunch entrees, except that on the last bite, something funky got stuck in my throat and I coughed and gagged so hard that I threw up the entire thing, right in the kitchen sink. On accident, not on purpose like some kind of bulimic. I was going to write about it, but I thought it might be too gross.

    I guess “gross” is defined by the reader!

  4. Mike

    Darn I hate cliffhangers! I wanna know what was stuck to his nose… Was it a poney? A unicorn? What type of candle was it? Please tell us soon! The suspense is killing me! 😛

    You could’ve titled this post “There’s something about Avitable (coming near you)”, or “Two guys, one cup”. That would convey the “Do not read this” part much more than “Please don’t read this”.

    Good job!

  5. Gwen

    College boys are just gross. The first time I spent the night in my boyfriend’s room I found his “booger farm.” He had the top bunk, which was made wrong becuase his bed was only a foot from the ceiling, and when I woke up in the morning I saw a magic-marker circle with little specks in it on the ceiling. Yup, his boogers. He drew the circle around them to make a “farm.”

  6. Miss Britt

    I am disturbed by the fact that this did not shock or disgust me.

    I am disturbed that when you read it to me last night, my response was “that’s it? AND? What happens next?”

    You are clearly ruining any sense of decency I once had.

  7. hello haha narf

    wtf is wrong with me that i wasn’t repulsed? i listened when you said don’t watch 2 girls and a cup, but figured that reading a post couldn’t be bad. and why was i correct? dammit! adam, either you are losing it or i am clearly fucked up.

  8. Grant

    I was once told a story of some college guys who decided to test some adult diapers. They drank beer in their dorm room until one announced “Okay, I’m ready,” then stood and went. Turns out the diapers are just for occasional leaks, not full blown urination. The result was more like a partially blocked firehose, thus ending the experiment.

  9. Avitable

    Amanda, you’re clearly a masochist.

    AmyD, oh, no smart-ass bitchy comment today?

    Jay, yeah, I don’t think I could promise that personally.

    Karl, I never do!

    Jared, I had like four knives confiscated during my freshman year.

    NYCWD, so I shouldn’t start Jizzcup Wednesday?

    Sybil, you have a high gross quotient, apparently.

    Mary, I know you couldn’t help yourself.

    Girl, Dislocated, I am not a sipper. They do exist, though.

    Winter, I’m only okay with gross when it’s funny, too.

    Dan, lucky you!

    Penelope, gobsmacked, even?

    Freelance Guru, I share everything. It’s what I do.

    Brandon, you didn’t miss out much. I had roommates during later years where we each had our own room in a suite, and that was definitely fun, though.

    Othurme, and ejaculated on them?

    Mr. Fabulous, are you shocked and appalled?

    Robin, you are a smart woman.

    Dave, I’m always serious, except when I’m joking.

    M.A.D., vomiting is always a response I encourage.

    Meg, “gross” is always subjective!

    TrishK, now you’re intrigued, aren’t you?

    Turnbaby, I totally should have filled it with water and given it to him to drink.

    Lisa, shoulda coulda woulda!

    Sandi, are you eating oatmeal for breakfast?

    Bloggess, well, it was a college drink cup, so it was pretty shallow. And we’re talking about almost 9 months of use, sometimes 2-3 times a day!

    Mike, fuck! I totally should have named it “Two guys, one cup”.

    Martin, never ever?

    Todd, that was back in my college days.

    Golfwidow, same here. Some of the hazing stories . . .

    Lady Jaye, you’re clearly pro-jizz stories.

    Robin, this is true.

    Gwen, they really are!

    Heather, damn straight – don’t touch the stiff socks, either.

    Nobody, yes, yes it is.

    Britt, I have almost completely desensitized you. Now to work on Devin . . .

    Jen, it’s a true test of wittiness to see how your gag reflex is.

    RW, this is quality stuff, what are you talking about?

    Finn, there must be a reason she doesn’t return my phone calls.

    Hello, I think it’s the latter.

    Grant, that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.

    Poppy, since when are you prudish? What’s happened to dirty Poppy?

  10. MsBatman

    Your blog is like a car accident, you know you shouldn’t look, you don’t want to look and yet you can’t help but look, and then you wish you hadn’t looked.

    I got as far as the cup. I really should learn to listen to you. And not read this at work.

  11. gail

    It’s like ‘wet paint’ signs. You just have to touch them to be sure.
    I’m sitting here with that face on. You know a half curled up, half curled down type of face that you only do when you see (or read) something nasty.

  12. kapgar

    Oh holy Jesus Christ! And you didn’t have a camera handy!?!? Did he try to beat the shit out of you or just go into hiding?

    When do we get the “another story for another time”? I’m looking forward to that one.

  13. Zom

    I love the way this post was like “American pie meets There’s something about mary”. It conjures the image of Stifler asking Todd
    “Is that a nose gel”? and then wiping the contents of your “cum-tainer” into his own hair. :bukkake:

  14. Jhianna

    I…
    have no words. Damn dude, you’d think I would learn. I mean, I believed you when you told me not to watch the 2 girls and a cup video (but I did skim the comments and got the gist, and I was at work and maybe would have clicked the link if I was at home and holy mother of god I’m still grossed out by the ON HIS NOSE!! part. Ewwwwwww)

    But it’s awesome that it couldn’t have happened to a better guy. LOL :loser:

  15. Summer

    Geez,thanks for sharing that. I know, I was warned. I have a son graduating for college in a month and another one entering college in Sept. I didn’t want to think about what goes on there but thanks to you, now I do.

  16. Summer

    Geez,thanks for sharing that. I know, I was warned. I have a son graduating for college in a month and another one entering college in Sept. I didn’t want to think about what goes on there but thanks to you, now I do. :banghead:

  17. bubblewench

    And this post is EXACTLY why I added you to my daily read.. how on earth could I have gone this day without knowing what you did with your jizz… nice. My life is so much better now. And I’m sure you will have more awesome tales to share that will make the sun shine in my world…

  18. Nina

    Not enough detail. Was this a dixie sized cup? How many weeks worth of goo was in it? Was it half empty? Half full? Help me understand how if it mostly dried, some got on his nose. Because if it did get on his nose, the cup had to be mostly full. Right?

    Avitable, are you telling the truth? Did you really have a plastic cup full of man-stuff in your dorm room?

  19. Avitable

    MsBatman, you should definitely not read this at work!

    Britt, don’t you want him to grow up lik eyou?

    Hello, as long as someone does.

    Poppy, well, duhhhhh! 🙂

    Gail, like when I read Dooce, you mean.

    Charissa, you clearly have a high gross-out limit.

    Maria, did you mean mmmmm?

    BE Earl, yeah, they offend me too.

    TSM, this is true.

    TMP, that should be my new catchphrase.

    Maman, you have probably seen all of the disgusting shit single men do.

    Kapgar, he wasn’t quite sure what it was. And I was both bigger and stronger than he was, so there wasn’t a chance of a beating.

    Crystal, does it hurt you in the cockles of your heart?

    AmyD, what IM?

    Hallie, thanks for the visit!

    Zom, nose gel, eh?

    Jhianna, yeah, he deserved it.

    Summer, just don’t look at any cups or stiff socks.

    DB, the cup is long gone, but it would have made an awesome prize, you’re right.

    Y2K, I had it bronzed and put it on my mantle.

    Bubblewench, my tales are usually about where the sun doesn’t shine!

    Nina, it was a smaller cup and was about half full. But there was also stuff on the sides from splashover, too. And yes, this is totally the truth!

  20. Maritza

    He totally deserved it. I’m going to pass this bit of wisdom/revenge to my daughter who has a nasty dirty roommate. I’ll have OG print it out and tape it to the roomie’s door with the words “BEWARE” written in red menstrual blood. Maybe that will get the roomie to start cleaning up after herself!

  21. Avitable

    TMP, it should be on a t-shirt.

    Gina, you clearly have a high gross-out threshold.

    Maritza, or just have OG offer her roommate some hot red tea and use a tampon as the teabag.

    Maman, wow. That’s awesome!

  22. Kay

    Think of all that money you could of made donating that cup to the local sperm bank. All those little Avitables..sniff…
    I can’t wait to hear the 9 inch, uh, story. Oh yeah, that was about a knife wasn’t it? :angel:

  23. Avitable

    Kay, yeah, just the knife, unfortunately.

    Trukindog, I definitely should have said pudding!

    Cissa, what does that say about you exactly?

    Stephanie, rawr.

    Bec, I was born a comedy genius.

    Gina, oh no, not at all.

  24. Jessica

    Haha! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I thought it was going to be another American Pie fiasco where you gave him something to drink…from the cup. What a dumbass, I can’t believe he sniffed it!

  25. Allyson

    Heh. I finally open my computer after a month of leaving it closed on my nightstand, and this is what I come back to. Classic. I’m so glad you didn’t disappoint. Hope all’s been well with you, I’ll be back again soon… ish.

  26. Janna

    Nine months’ worth??
    Let’s see…. about a tablespoon per day, on average…. (?)
    That would be maybe a quarter cup each week…. one cup each month…
    Nine cups in nine months….
    All condensed down into some freaky icky gelatinous cum-candle from hell.

    Wow.

    I wish I could’ve seen the look on the guy’s face when he sniffed it.
    :puke:

Leave a Reply