People, I need some help here.
I think my penis is shrinking.
It used to be that it felt like it was a third leg. I could prop myself up on it, play baseball without a bat, and hold elevator doors open when I was still a full ten feet away. And if I laid just right on my bed, I could almost put the tip of it in my own mouth without breaking my neck. Almost.
I noticed the shrinkage because of my masturbation routine. You see, I read an article that says that masturbating at least five times a week can help prevent prostate cancer. If masturbating five times a week can prevent cancer, who knows what could happen if I masturbate five times a day! I would probably turn invincible and learn to fly!
So, in the interest of science, I started masturbating five times a day. One time I thought I was floating, but I think I was just a little light-headed, and I know I wasn't invincible because I don't think my shaft would be quite so rubbed raw if I was invulnerable and self-healing. And as part of this routine, I became very familiar with my penis. I knew how many strokes it would take, how far each stroke would go, and how fast I needed to stroke.
And then, one day, my hand stroked the normal length but ran out of penis, and I hit myself in the face. Frantic, I grabbed my handy dandy penis-measuring ruler and gasped in horror. My penis had shrunk!
Masturbating became something that frightened me. Before long, I couldn't even use my whole fist. I dropped down to three fingers, then two, then I had to just use my index finger and my thumb.
If it keeps shrinking, will it become a vagina, or just a flat Ken doll spot with testicles hanging down to my knees? If it does become a vagina, should I use it like one, or just use it to hold my keys and my wallet and stuff?
What the hell should I do?
UPDATED: Thank God, I figured it out! I knew I shouldn't have taken that trip to the Congo!
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I find it hilariously ironic that, the first advertisement under the masturbation article is for "teeth whiteners".
Comments by Zom
oh boy oh boy oh boy.. I am so glad there is NO ONE in the office when I read your posts in the morning. I think I'd be in LOADS of trouble.. kinda of like you.. but I guess your loads are getting lighter.. age?
Kind of how your brain shrinks? Penis too?
Comments by bubblewench
The picture here... worth a thousand words.
Comments by Miss Britt
Those danged sorcerers. They can't just use regulation wands like wizards do.
Comments by golfwidow
maybe if I umm rub my belly or butt it will get smaller, too???
Comments by Sandi
Just treat it like any friend and enjoy its company while it lasts. Maybe you need a new type of porn to better excite it. I recommend anal incestuous Japanese lesbian bestiality to cover most of the basics.
Comments by Grant
Um wow. That's ... yeah. Now I'm worried about my boyfriend's penis disappearing (we are long distance, remember?).
Comments by MyWeeWorld
At least they didn't cut it off.
Comments by Finn
I wouldn't worry too much about it. You are getting to the age where you don't need it anyway.
Comments by Trishk
Yeah, I had to cut back to twice a day myself. My guggenheimer is now down to nine inches. Gotta watch out.
Comments by Karl
Actually what happened was somebody made an Avitable Voo-Doo Doll with a long penis and everyday she .. uh .. that person cut just a little bit of the penis off.
I've warned you about not paying those hookers. Those girls are very vindictive!
Comments by Jay
Aw hell, if this were true...i'd do something to masturbate my ass five times a day.
Wait.
Comments by Stephanie
I read that story too. I had to after reading the headling above my inbox on Gmail. Who can resist a headline like that?!
Oh and yay for people who don't feel guilty for masturbation (long story and no I am not the one who feels guilty about it!)!!!
Comments by Gina
That story about the Congo is hilarious. What did you do while you were there to piss off the penis snatchers?
Comments by Gwen
ROFLMAO!!!
Did you give yourself a black eye?
Comments by metalmom
Adam, Adam, Adam,
Remember when you were a kid and had that favorite pair of blue jeans? You would go out and play ball and other games with the local kids, but one day you noticed the material on the knees of those jeans grew paper thin and seemly the next day there were holes. Yes, in your playful enthusiasm you rubbed away your favorite garment.
You are doing the same to your favorite fun toy. You could try various types of lubricant, but I fear this will only delay the erosion and not halt it. In time your crotch will no doubt more closely resemble the horse shoe shape of Niagara Falls... the Canadian side... due to the constant loss of personal real estate.
Is it possible that if you stopped whacking the monkey that your penis would grow back? I am unsure on this dude, but if you ever watch HGTV's Paul James the Gardener Guy, it seems like a possible a bandage involving peat moss and trying your wing-wang to a couple of fence posts for a few months just MIGHT restore the vigor of your old wood. It worked for his Japanese Maple so I am guessing it MIGHT work for you.
Good luck dude. (Trying not to shake your hand)
Comments by Y2K Survivor
I always suspected that at some point in time you would become a hermaphrodite.
Comments by The Absurdist
You obviously didn't use enough lube...
Comments by NYCWD
Did you change the time you post?
Comments by bluepaintred
Well... let's face it. You always kind of had a vagina anyway.
Comments by Amanda
Yeah, you're so turning into a Ken doll. And? I hated my Ken doll as a kid. In fact, my Ken doll was buried in my back yard and when my mom found him, feet sticking out of the ground, she asked why I had done it. My reply? "I kill-t him."
Yeah, you're so going down.
And the picture? Classic!
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
I hope you get your length back.
Your cartoons just wouldn't be the same without the donkey shlong!
That Congo piece is hilarious!
Oh and @ the Coalminer's Granddaughter - Did all girls hate their Ken dolls?! I hated mine, too!
Comments by Sybil Law
That picture there? I get in big trouble if I do that to my husband. He says that you are NEVER supposed to do that to a guy.
Comments by Amy
You mean 5 times a day isn't normal?
Egads!
Comments by B.E. Earl
So they got you did they? Poor thing...
Comments by Miss
Did your wife notice?
If not, then I wouldn't worry about it.
Comments by themuttprincess
Okay, it is clear that asking others in my post yesterday to remind me to not go to the Congo didn't flip on the light switch for you. You deserve everything you get.
So do you have a special room for this activity when you're at work? Does Britt avoid this room like the plague?
Comments by kapgar
I just saw a Dean Ornish vid on this - diet, exercise, love - that's what gives oxygen to the brain and strengthens oxygenic response/blood flow (i.e. penis size).
Maybe it's time to eat a few vegetables?
Comments by On a Limb with Claudia
You'd think JK Rowling could have warned people about this.
Comments by Honeybell
RE: that link - WTF?
Comments by Maria
I have taken to using two cotton buds dipped in baby lotion. I have to be gentle though.
Comments by martin
you say that like you don't believe in in witch doctors. i happen to be one, and i happen to be looking at your penis. a lot.
Comments by Crys
I was SOOOOOOO hoping for a reference to this great story in your blog! That is why I e-mailed you yesterday! Yay! You just made my weekend!
Comments by Phoenix
Well, doesn't EVERYTHING start to shrink as you get older? Or perhaps the fact that you are not engaging in actual sex, you know like 'use it or loose it' type thing.
Comments by Jessica
Zom, is jizz a whitener?
Bubblewench, my brain is growing, which is good.
Britt, Condy's clearly talking about Dubya.
Golfwidow, I know!
Sandi, no, you have to go to the Congo and piss off the sorcerers there.
Grant, I'm desensitized to anal incestuous Japanese lesbian bestiality porn, though.
MyWeeWorld, did you click on the link about the Congo?
Finn, this is true.
TrishK, you are right. I am already old.
Karl, once it gets smaller than a foot long, you have to be careful.
Jay, you were one of those hookers in drag, weren't you?
Steph, so you're a fan of buttsex?
Gina, guilty? It's the only guilt-free thing I do.
Gwen, I must have showed it to them, and they were jealous.
Metalmom, two!
Y2K, I'll put some moss on it and tie it to a fence post tonight.
Abs, then when people tell me to go fuck myself, I could.
NYCWD, but I buy it from Sam's.
BPR, no, fucking WP decided not to publish my posts at midnight when I schedule them.
Amanda, yeah, I know.
Heather, neutered man-hater much? :D
Sybil, why would you hate poor old Ken?
AmyD, how about when you're telling him, "You can stick it in my butt that much"?
BE Earl, normal is relative.
Miss, damn Congo wizards.
TMP, does pointing and laughing count as noticing?
Kapgar, yeah, I missed that part of your post. And I just whip it out at the desk. Britt's used to it.
Claudia, who's Dean Ornish? And what are vegetables?
Honeybell, I bet gay Dumbledore knew.
Maria, crazy, isn't it?
Martin, I just use two Q-tips now.
Crystal, give it back!
Phoenix, this post is all thanks to you. Thank you for sending that link!
Jessica, but what about my superpowers?
Comments by Avitable
Relax, everything will be ok my friend. You see, your penis is not really shrinking. Whats happened is your hand is getting bigger. This is most likely caused by the increased number of workouts it has been recieving. I suggest you switch hands or hire a personal trainer to lend you a hand.
Comments by jake titus
See, there are good things about getting old! Women's vaginas start shrinking up too. Mr. Been There likes to pretend that I am a pre-teen girl now. Tight = Right! I'll save that story for another day.
Comments by Been there,,.done that
I'm awfully glad you figured that out!
I was worried that your lovely pedi & polish had actually started the 'gina growing process.
Comments by Mari
I hate when that happens.
Comments by Robin
That'll teach you not to tip at your favorite Congonese restaurant.
Comments by othurme
If you're J Arthur Ranking it all away then maybe it's time to take a little break, save walking Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm for a special occasion. Like lunchtime.
Comments by Bec
ROFL....I was about to give you a bunch of medical reasoning.
Comments by amanda
Adam - Yes I did, and it was scary! I fear magical penis thieves.
Comments by MyWeeWorld
Adam, I went fishing today and found your penis. We'll talk later about what to do about it :)
Comments by TSM
If you do find that there is still shrinkage,try this.While you are working stand with you legs apart and tie a cord around your old chap then tie that to a 2Ib weight gently stand up and swing the weight from side to side. Keep an eye on the color of the tip as blood circulation can be lost and the tip can drop off. Works for me......
Comments by martin
Good photo choice. I was laughing before I even read a word of the post.
Comments by Stacey
maybe your hand doubled in size? i would get that checked out
Comments by brooke
only you, adam. only you.
Comments by hello haha narf
Jake, I'll see if Britt has time. She has tiny hands.
Been there, umm, wow.
Mari, if anything, that completed the vagina growth.
Robin, I bet!
Othurme, I know - next time I'll leave 20%.
Bec, look at you with the cockney slang.
Amanda, I'm as much a doctor as you are.
MyWeeWorld, me too - I'm locking my door at night.
TSM, what type of bait did it like? Master bait?
Martin, how do I reattach in the case of tip loss?
Stacey, and then you instantly stopped laughing once you read it, right?
Brooke, I think that will be my excuse no matter what.
Hello, your penis isn't shrinking too?
Comments by Avitable
All that skin in the incredibly saggy nutsack has to come from somewhere;-)
Comments by Turnbaby
Turnbaby, that is true.
Comments by Avitable
If 'tip loss' happens. Grab the item and wrap in ice. Book a flight straight away to Zurich Switzerland. Contact Dr Hans Sands who will stich it back on. He also has some nice second hand heads, which can can add some length. Matching the skin tone can be a problem.
Comments by martin