I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Curb your Enthusiasm

Last night, I found out that I’m married to Larry David. If you’re not familiar with Curb Your Enthusiasm, just think about George Costanza from Seinfeld, except crankier.

I picked my wife up from the airport after her two-week long business trip.

“How was your flight, sweetie?” I asked.

“Oh! You would not believe it. I was so mad!”

“About what?”

“Well, when I got on the plane and got to my row, there was a woman sitting in the aisle seat. I told her, ‘Hi, I’m going to have to get in there,’ since I had the window seat, and then I put my bag in the bin.”

“Okay . . .”

“When I looked back down, she hadn’t moved. She was just staring at me. I said again, ‘I need to get in there.’ And do you know what she did?”

“What?”

“She stared at me and said, ‘Okay’. Didn’t try to move, didn’t even offer to get up. There are only about two inches of room, if that, between her legs and the seat in front of her, so I had to fucking climb over her to get to my seat!”

“Wow.”

“Then the woman who had the middle seat came over and she had to crawl over the first woman, too!”

“Jeez, how rude.”

“I know! I was preparing a little speech in my head that I wanted to say to the woman who just sat down about rude fuckers and their inability to have common courtesy. I thought maybe that might shame the other woman into showing some manners next fucking time.”

“So did you say that?”

“Nah.”

“Why not?”

“Well, before I could get the words straight in my head, the woman in the middle seat turned to the bitch in the aisle and said, ‘Weren’t you the lady that the flight attendants helped who was in the wheelchair?'”

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73 Replies to “Curb your Enthusiasm”

  1. Sybil Law

    Hahahahahahaha
    Phew!
    That is so ME! Thank God your wife and I both pause to get things right before we say stuff! (When I was younger, I would’ve just said it.)
    Still. Couldn’t the lady have said something to her, like, “Well, I’d move if I could, but I can’t – sorry!”?!
    Still – very close and funny!

  2. Y2K Survivor

    I did that in a classroom once. I was subbing in a new school system and this kid in the back of the room gets up, grabs some crutches and starts to hobble out to the open aisle.

    Being the friendly geek that I am I asked, “Hey, what happened to your leg?”

    About that time he cleared the desks that were obstructing the view and I saw him swinging the stump as he replied, “Lost it.”

    A W K W A R D ! ! ! :banghead:

  3. NYCWD

    I’ll call bullshit right now. I bet she could walk.

    Either that or a fucked up airline.

    Wheelchairs don’t make it down the aisles of airplanes… there are special chairs called Alt-Chairs for the purpose. Additionally, those patients are supposed to be boarded on last and taken off first.

    The best are stretcher patients though… not only do they have to buy 3 seats for the stretcher to fit… but the seats are usually in the back of the plane, so they get on through the catering truck.

    Yeah… I’ve killed a few tours at JFK.

  4. Amber

    Oh. My. God.

    That was freakin hilarious!!!

    Poor Amy… that could have definitely been a little awkward for her.

    Still thinks it’s funnier than hell that even after finding out the woman who had the aisle seat had something going on, she still called her a bitch.

    But seriously? C’mon… like the chick couldn’t SAY something to let her know what was going on? Being handicapped isn’t an excuse for being ignorant. Unless it’s a mental handicap, in which case, I digress.

  5. Zom

    I used to carry a fireplace poker with me, and test crippled people in a “Mr. Deed’s” fashion. But they won’t let you take those on airplanes anymore.
    So now … I just pinch them.

  6. Shiny

    Whether or not NYCWD was correct or not — it was a genius question to ask in an extremely passive-aggressive manner.

    Let’s say that she was brought in on a wheelchair / alt-chair. The question would have been completely legitimate. No harm done.

    Let’s say that she was a lazy-ass passenger. The same question could be asked as a slam. “What’s the matter with you? Are you physically incapable of getting up so I can get through to my seat?” Works as well…

    (I think these things through too thoroughly…)

  7. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    I agree with CharlieDaniels. Obviously her mouth wasn’t paralyzed and she could explain that she can’t move. When the lady responded in the positive that she’s paralyzed, I think I might have kicked her in the shin just to see if she flinched. Paybacks! Ka-chow!

  8. Karen

    Getting through an airport while traveling with someone in a wheelchair is AWESOME. I highly recommend it.

    1. Jump to the front of security lines!
    2. Not seated with your honey? Just point mutely to the wheelchair and the gate agent will find you seats together, even if they were shaking their head sadly only a moment before.

    Caveat: Airport employees assigned to push said wheelchair sometimes suck.

    Bonus: Pushing someone in a wheelchair down an incline can be unexpectedly exciting!

  9. Mindy

    I still would have been irritated… the woman could have spoken up instead of just staring at your wife. That woman still owns the right to being called a moron. I have no sympathy for idiots.

  10. Jay

    The fact that she has no use of her legs and needs a wheelchair to get around is no excuse for being such a bitch. I can’t stand the way people like that use their disability to get away with that kind of rudeness! πŸ˜‰

  11. Finn

    Larry David would have said it… and then everyone would have been pissed at him.

    The woman in the seat should have said something. To me that’s just as rude as not getting up if you’re able to.

  12. Grant

    I never castigate anyone in public for just such reasons. I much prefer to quietly follow them until I find a quiet place to slit their throats. That way everyone gets to save face.

  13. Lynda

    Was the woman in the middle seat being facetious because the woman on the aisle wouldn’t get up?

    When my husband couldn’t wear his artificial foot, he was on crutches for a while when we traveled, and he would say something to the person if the seating wasn’t arranged ideally.

    Though, asking if someone was in a wheelchair, at least to me, is like asking a fat woman if she is pregnant.

  14. Avitable

    Karl, she was so close, too!

    Amanda, I know, that is a bit weird.

    Hello, she really is like Larry David but with more hair! And much cuter.

    Sybil, I don’t know why the woman didn’t think she should explain.

    AmyD, you’re supposed to be AmyD if you want your ubernym.

    Mary, tried to? Or succeeded?

    BPR, yeah it was.

    Y2K, oh, good job!

    Dave, she still wanted to.

    NYCWD, whenever I’ve flown, people with special needs and the handicapped get to board first, not last.

    Amber, yeah, it would be courtesy just to explain, too.

    Zom, pinching’s a bit girlie compared to the fireplace poker.

    CharlieDaniels, nice! That’s also what my wife said.

    Jake, the longest.

    Shiny, I think punching her in the head may have worked, too.

    Bubblewench, true. Larry David would have said it and everyone would have yelled at him.

    Britt, who are you kidding? You’re going to make me carry you on and off.

    Nat, it is strange that she wouldn’t say anything.

    Wayne, hahaha! Amy totally should have done that.

    Heather, ka-chow!

    Robin, I mocked her, of course.

    Karen, does the wheelchair fit down the aisles?

    Poppy, she would if she could.

    Jen, yeah, it shows no social ability at all.

    Fab, yeah, that Coke Zero tastes like crap. I don’t blame you for spitting it out. πŸ˜€

    M.A.D., maybe her mouth was handicapped, too.

    RW, not as slow as those little Mini drivers.

    Mindy, morons come in all sizes, shapes, colors, and physical disabilities!

    Jay, that’s true.

    Finn, at least, in CYE, the people Larry runs into are usually as rude as he is.

    Grant, that’s a brilliant plan.

    Rattling, crawled, eh?

    Lynda, I don’t think she was being facetious. I think she saw the woman get pushed on by the flight attendant.

    Crystal, yeah, maybe that’s how she meant it, although I don’t think so.

  15. Trishk

    Now, I would have been the one that would have “fallen” into her lap while climbing over her.

    But, I have also had non-handicapped that refused to move also. It’s like they are afraid you are going to take their seat.

  16. Been there,,.done that

    I think that the bitch on the aisle and the bitch in the middle planned the whole thing to watch the reaction of whomever sat next to them. They are probably at their destination still laughing and telling their husbands about it.
    On a different note, how do I get my avatar to show up here?

  17. Summer

    What a lucky break that Amy kept her mouth shut but if I were the lady I would have said, “I’m so sorry I can’t get out of your way.” Maybe she should have been seated last.

  18. Lisa

    Having a physical limitation doesn’t give you automatic exception from manners. Was your wife supposed to change her name from Amy to Claire? Change the last name to Voyant while she’s at it.

  19. Poppy

    But, with strangers, like when I was at my conference last week and was late every. single. day. back to class and had to show my front or back to the boys in the row behind? Front, thanks.

  20. Avitable

    TMP, yeah, I know!

    NYCWD, every time I’ve flown, they’ve always helped the handicapped on first and they’re always the last ones off. People on stretchers, though – I can imagine that’s a different situation.

    Britt, on my penis?

    TrishK, I’d just sit on their lap and then they’d be handicapped for realsies.

    Atomic, could have been hilarious if she had said something.

    Turnbaby, yeah. Did you say anything to the woman?

    Tracy, I wish I had a monkey.

    Diva, could have been even better if she said something.

    Winter, yeah, I know. That was Amy’s point, too.

    Been there, so they were on Candid Camera? And you go to Gravatar.com and sign up with the same email address that you use to leave comments.

    Stacey, so she’s faking it? Like Stephen Hawking?

    Summer, maybe she should have sat on the wing. On the outside!

    Lisa, ha!

    Stephanie, that would have been hilarious!

    BE Earl, that’s an excellent question. I have no idea.

    Poppy, really?

    Sybil, then you get some pinching time in.

  21. golfwidow

    I was on the other end of that one, once (some bitch was complaining about young people like me being in the handicapped stall and had to drink a big glass of shut up when I came out and she saw my cane). It was kind of awesome.

  22. Jessica

    Oh my God, if that was me, I probably would have started calling her a bitch before the woman in the middle got a chance to ask about her wheel chair!

    But she easily could have said, “I am handicapped,” or something and let her know!

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