You can find last week's answers and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is The Hillary Nutcracker!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Are you tan?
Yup, I'm actually orange. Or pink. Pink is the new orange, isn't it?

2. How old will you be in 13 months?
Old enough to walk into a liquor store and order a keg of beer. Even if I have to growl a little bit.

3. Where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now?
I won it in a walk off.

4. What are you looking forward to in the next month?
Going out every night, sleeping all day, doing whatever I want, eating in a fancy restaurant.

5. Are you easily confused?
Nope. I'm Joe, the smartest man in the world.

6. Do you think you would make a good wife/husband?
As long as my wife didn't cook my dog.

7. Have you ever liked someone who treated you badly?
Yeah, there was this one guy I liked even though he locked me in a room and made me bang pans and pretend I was retarded.

8. Do you fall for people easily?
No. Usually angels have to put me in mortal danger with someone for me to fall in love with her.

9. What are you listening to right now?
A Dracula puppet musical.

10. Do you live with both your parents?
Just my mother, although she won't call me the Warlock like I want her to.

11. Last person you said I love you to?
I don't say that. I just say "Ditto."

12. What is it you truly want right now?
To watch People's Court in the next 30 seconds.

13. Are you wearing jeans right now?
Nope. I already sent them off to the next person.

14. Do you think too much or too little?
I don't know. I just want to fire up some Ambassadors.

15. Who is in your house right now?
Somebody who keeps asking me about my movie preferences and quizzing me in a raspy voice.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
(more…)

You can find last week's answers and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is a Motor-Powered Self-Twirling Spaghetti Fork!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. You have two chances to comment with your answers.

Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera.

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, as what or whom would you go?
I'd go dressed provocatively, but then probably just throw a sheet over top and be a ghost.

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?
I am a proponent of propane when it comes to grilling.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
Do you want option 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5? Hint – try 4.

4. It’s your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Flying to LA to meet my wife. God, I hate flying.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
A Snickers. But I eat it with a fork and knife.

6. What do you think Captain Hook’s name was before he had a hook for a hand?
Hookstable? Or maybe it just sounded like that.

7. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?
Well, we never really had a first date. I found my wife when she fell off of a cruise ship.

8. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?
Actually, the worst thing is when you hallucinate and hear "I'll Tumble For Ya".

9. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
I prefer someone who thinks like everyone else, and then can point at people who are different and scream in an unnatural voice.

10. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
Reese's Pieces.

11. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
It used to be the Statue of Liberty, but her head is in the middle of Manhattan now.

12. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?
When people talk about their hobbies collecting spores, molds, and fungus.

13. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
Only once, although I was having trouble keeping track of the visions in my eyes without my sunglasses.

14. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
The Old 96er.

15. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
Since I can cook, I wouldn't need a cook. My kids are old enough not to need nannies. How about a hot, proud Mexican housekeeper?

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
(more…)