Archive for May, 2008

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Internet Assvice is the advice you get from people on the internet. And I need a taste.

As I've mentioned time and time again, I'm already planning our huge Halloween bash. Last year, almost 65 people came and it was a great time. The only downfall was the cost – in total, the party cost me about $3,000. I ended up spending almost $1,000 just on liquor, and that didn't even include the bartender!

So, this year, I was thinking of maybe doing something to offset the cost. I would like the Internet's opinion – how would you rank the following options from appropriate to inappropriate?

1. Free beer and soda and $2.00/drink cash bar for all mixed drinks and liquor.
2. Raffle tickets to win cool prize for $1.00 each.
3. Tickets to come to the party are $5 per person.
4. Giant skull at entrance for donations.
5. None of the above – any type of request for money is tacky.

My personal opinion is closest to #5, so don't worry about hurting my feelings if you think that's the most appropriate response. I'm hosting a party for guests, and while I want it to feel like a venue, not like it's at someone's house, the idea of asking for any money at all skeeves me out a bit. But if the costs were as high as $5,000, that's a lot even for me to spend on a party. So I'm torn.

Help me!

So, in the movies and television, what's the deal with evil CEOs who spend all of their time in the top floor of the office building that they ostensibly own, staring out the window at the city below?

You know the type I'm talking about. They have a visitor and when the visitor walks into their huge office (an office that must be 2,000 square feet with nothing but a desk in it that has nothing on it but a lamp and a phone), they're standing at their floor-to-ceiling windows with their back to the visitor, hands clasped behind their back, and then, right as the visitor is about to say something, they say something that they think is profound.

Half the time there isn't even a fucking computer on their desk, and of course, there are never any papers or files or anything that needs to be done. They might have a wet bar on wheels so that they can pour themselves some Scotch on the rocks to drink, right in the middle of their workday.

Maybe if these guys actually did a bit of fucking work in their role as CEO, they'd be too busy to be evil. I mean, there have to be emails to respond to, department heads to meet with, decisions to make, projects to check on and things to sign. You'd think, right?

Shit, maybe I should become an evil CEO. I'd love to just turn around and stare out of my window rather than have to work until I'm falling asleep at my desk to try to make payroll because I had a salesperson who had to leave town for a family emergency. It would be awesome to have my desk completely clear and drink Scotch all day long instead of mainlining caffeine so I can feel halfway normal.

Now I just need a nemesis.

Amy returns home after two weeks on the road on business.

Amy: Hey, babe?
Me: Yeah?
Amy: Ummm, can I ask you something?
Me: Sure. What's up?
Amy: When I was gone . . .
Me: Yeah…..
Amy: Did you watch porn on the bedroom TV?
Me: No, why?
Amy: I mean, it's okay if you did. I understand.
Me: But I didn't!
Amy: You can tell me – I won't be upset.
Me: But I didn't!
Amy: I know you do, so don't feel bad.
Me: But I didn't!
Amy: It's me, babe. You can tell me. It's okay.
Me: But I didn't!
Amy: Then why, when I was going through the DVR to find something to watch, did I find "Summer of Love", a story of two young girls exploring their sexuality, recorded from HBO around 2:30 AM?
Me: Ummmm…..
Amy: That's what I thought.

The truth of the matter is that when Amy's not here, I can't sleep without putting the TV on and usually wake up in the middle of the night to groggily turn the television off, so I must have accidentally hit the "Record" button on the remote when I was turning it off late one night. But I don't think she believes me.

It's hard to come up with the funny today. I've been selfishly absorbed with worrying about Britt as she travels up to Parkersburg, Iowa, to be with her in-laws, all of whom completely lost their houses in Sunday's super-cell storm and resulting mile-wide tornado that destroyed most of Parkersburg.

So, this is all I've got:

Q: How are tornadoes and marriages alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

What, too soon?