Archive for May, 2008

Weekend plans

Saturday, May 31st, 2008

Internet Assvice

Friday, May 30th, 2008

Internet Assvice is the advice you get from people on the internet. And I need a taste.

As I've mentioned time and time again, I'm already planning our huge Halloween bash. Last year, almost 65 people came and it was a great time. The only downfall was the cost – in total, the party cost me about $3,000. I ended up spending almost $1,000 just on liquor, and that didn't even include the bartender!

So, this year, I was thinking of maybe doing something to offset the cost. I would like the Internet's opinion – how would you rank the following options from appropriate to inappropriate?

1. Free beer and soda and $2.00/drink cash bar for all mixed drinks and liquor.
2. Raffle tickets to win cool prize for $1.00 each.
3. Tickets to come to the party are $5 per person.
4. Giant skull at entrance for donations.
5. None of the above – any type of request for money is tacky.

My personal opinion is closest to #5, so don't worry about hurting my feelings if you think that's the most appropriate response. I'm hosting a party for guests, and while I want it to feel like a venue, not like it's at someone's house, the idea of asking for any money at all skeeves me out a bit. But if the costs were as high as $5,000, that's a lot even for me to spend on a party. So I'm torn.

Help me!

Cliche

Thursday, May 29th, 2008

So, in the movies and television, what's the deal with evil CEOs who spend all of their time in the top floor of the office building that they ostensibly own, staring out the window at the city below?

You know the type I'm talking about. They have a visitor and when the visitor walks into their huge office (an office that must be 2,000 square feet with nothing but a desk in it that has nothing on it but a lamp and a phone), they're standing at their floor-to-ceiling windows with their back to the visitor, hands clasped behind their back, and then, right as the visitor is about to say something, they say something that they think is profound.

Half the time there isn't even a fucking computer on their desk, and of course, there are never any papers or files or anything that needs to be done. They might have a wet bar on wheels so that they can pour themselves some Scotch on the rocks to drink, right in the middle of their workday.

Maybe if these guys actually did a bit of fucking work in their role as CEO, they'd be too busy to be evil. I mean, there have to be emails to respond to, department heads to meet with, decisions to make, projects to check on and things to sign. You'd think, right?

Shit, maybe I should become an evil CEO. I'd love to just turn around and stare out of my window rather than have to work until I'm falling asleep at my desk to try to make payroll because I had a salesperson who had to leave town for a family emergency. It would be awesome to have my desk completely clear and drink Scotch all day long instead of mainlining caffeine so I can feel halfway normal.

Now I just need a nemesis.

Accidental Porn

Wednesday, May 28th, 2008

Amy returns home after two weeks on the road on business.

Amy: Hey, babe?
Me: Yeah?
Amy: Ummm, can I ask you something?
Me: Sure. What's up?
Amy: When I was gone . . .
Me: Yeah…..
Amy: Did you watch porn on the bedroom TV?
Me: No, why?
Amy: I mean, it's okay if you did. I understand.
Me: But I didn't!
Amy: You can tell me – I won't be upset.
Me: But I didn't!
Amy: I know you do, so don't feel bad.
Me: But I didn't!
Amy: It's me, babe. You can tell me. It's okay.
Me: But I didn't!
Amy: Then why, when I was going through the DVR to find something to watch, did I find "Summer of Love", a story of two young girls exploring their sexuality, recorded from HBO around 2:30 AM?
Me: Ummmm…..
Amy: That's what I thought.

The truth of the matter is that when Amy's not here, I can't sleep without putting the TV on and usually wake up in the middle of the night to groggily turn the television off, so I must have accidentally hit the "Record" button on the remote when I was turning it off late one night. But I don't think she believes me.

Funny, funny, funny . . .

Tuesday, May 27th, 2008

It's hard to come up with the funny today. I've been selfishly absorbed with worrying about Britt as she travels up to Parkersburg, Iowa, to be with her in-laws, all of whom completely lost their houses in Sunday's super-cell storm and resulting mile-wide tornado that destroyed most of Parkersburg.

So, this is all I've got:

Q: How are tornadoes and marriages alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

What, too soon?

My Dad

Monday, May 26th, 2008

I think I'm very lucky to be an adult male who does not have an adversarial relationship with my father. It seems like there are many men in their 20s and 30s who feel at odds with their fathers for a variety of reasons, and I've never been in that situation. Sure, there was that period during my senior year of high school when I was 16-17 and a total asshole, but that's just part of adolescence. Other than that brief period of my life, it's been pretty smooth sailing.

While I know that I am very strongly my mother's child – I have her brain, her ability to manipulate, her sense of humor, her worldview – my father made some extremely valuable contributions. I've learned to be stubborn when necessary, to fight for what's right, to work hard, and to try to do things that I don't know if I can do. But most importantly, I can thank him for setting an amazing example when it comes to treating women with respect and love, and for demonstrating the power of a fierce sense of loyalty and devotion.

I usually wouldn't write a post like this for a family member's birthday, but I know that my dad reads my blog sometimes. He's never told me that he does, and I know that he finds it offensive and horrifying and horrible and unnecessary, but he still reads it as his way of keeping up on my life. And that small action speaks volumes.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Daddio
No, he's not blind. Just cool.

Lazy Sunday XLI

Sunday, May 25th, 2008

And here we are, with the 41st Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was a tough one. There were actually three references that nobody got correct. The first person to email me at my first name at my last name dot com with the correct answers to all 3 will also win last week's prize, which was a six-pack of gourmet popcorn from Dale & Thomas. Here are the three references with one hint each:

1. My roommate and I once:
Well, to be fair, it was roommates, and they helped me get together with a girl, even though they were a bit gross.
Hint: The roommates might not be humans.

11. If you visit my hometown:
If you're from Cleveland, you'll feel right at home.
Hint: This hometown and Cleveland have something in common that is very unique.

15. If I could have any car it would be:
A magical red car that I can turn into.
Hint: This is not a television show for adults and it's not longer on air.

You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is a box full of sweet 70s sensations, from Mike and Ikes to O'Henrys and other classics!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!


1. Where do you go when you need to just get away?
My happy place.

2. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes. I think I survived that trainwreck for a purpose. To fulfill a destiny.

3. Who is the one person you can always turn to?
My Mocha Bear

4. Have you ever won a raffle?
I don't enter raffles, ok? They fuck you when you buy the ticket, and they fuck you when they draw the name and you don't win, ok? They fuck you and they know that you won't know you got fucked, ok?

5. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Well, I tried to get people to join me in "3 Coins in a Fountain" but it didn't work out.

6. Favorite school field trip as a kid?
The only one I went on was when I peed my pants.

7. Who do you wake up for in the morning?
I wake up just for the chance to gaze upon the face of my lovely Laura! Too bad her policeman father hates me so.

8. Do you think that global warming is happening?
It can't rain all the time.

9. Have you or would you ever use a ouija board?
Maybe to ask my late fiancee Susan to see if she really was a lesbian before we got engaged.

10. Have you ever pretended you were happy around your friends but weren't?
No. I smile like I mean it.

11. Where would you most like to visit?
A small burnt-out town in New Jersey run by an old crazy judge and his fucked-up family.

12. Do you think your ex still likes you?
Well, she threw a shark at me, so probably not.

13. Have you ever had a pet fish?
I was going to get one, but then a pelican came in the window and in the commotion, my fish got away down the sink.

14. What is the craziest thing you've done with your best friend?
I peed on his silk shirt so we could break out of jail.

15. What's your favorite thing to do over the summer?
Come up from my hiding place at the bottom of the lake and kill any people who are doing drugs, drinking, or having sex.


And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
(more…)

My review of Indiana Jones

Saturday, May 24th, 2008

Britt and I review the new Indiana Jones movie. No spoilers in the review, I promise. Here is the direct link.

Porn porn pornitty porn

Friday, May 23rd, 2008

There's this internet phenom called sfwporn. Basically, it's hardcore porn that is horribly and amateurishly drawn over in MS Paint to make it more innocuous, or Safe For Work. After seeing this for the first time yesterday, I was inspired to create my own. Behold:

Free Weights:
sfwporn_1 (Here is the NSFW original)

I Scream for Ice Cream:
sfwporn_2(Here is the NSFW original)

Will You Marry Me?
sfwporn_3(Here is the NSFW original)

At The Old Ball Game:
sfwporn_4(Here is the NSFW original)

Cheering!
sfwporn_5(Here is the NSFW original)

Brrrrinnnnggg

Thursday, May 22nd, 2008

"Thank you for calling Aetna. Our automated system will help direct you to the right person. First, are you a patient or a doctor?"

"Patient."

"Thank you. How can I help you?"

"I need to change my primary care physician."

"I'm sorry, I did not understand."

"Change my primary care physician."

"I'm sorry, I did not understand."

"Change my PCP."

"Okay! You would like to file a claim on your policy? If this is correct, please say yes."

"No!"

"Thank you. How can I help you?"

"I need to change my doctor."

"Okay! You would like to search for a proctologist? If this is correct, please say yes."

"No!"

"The Aetna automated system is able to understand words when spoken normally. Please keep your voice level so that we can make sure to direct you to the correct party."

"Did you just tell me to keep my voice down?"

"Okay! You would like to speak with our sales team? If this is correct, please say yes."

"NO!"

"The Aetna automated system is able to understand words when spoken normally. Please keep your voice level so that we can make sure to direct you to the correct party."

"I. would. like. to. change. my. PCP."

"I'm sorry, I did not understand."

"I hate you."

"I'm sorry, I did not understand."

"I want to speak to a representative."

"I'm sorry, I did not understand."

"I want a chicken sandwich."

"Okay! You would like to speak to a customer representative? If this is correct, please say yes."

"Lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise only, please."

"Okay! I will transfer you to a representative. Please hold, and enjoy your chicken sandwich."

"*sobs*"