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Musings

If you get caught trying to take a drunk girl’s pants off with your teeth, pretending you’re invisible probably won’t work.

Do you think that maybe Hitler just really hated juice, but was misunderstood by those below him?

If you cloned yourself, would it have a soul? And if you had sex with it, would you be gay?

If ladies don’t fart, and if he who smelt it dealt it, what the fuck did I walk into when I entered the girls’ hotel room at TequilaCon last weekend?

When I put peanut butter on my taint and my dog won’t lick it off, do you think she’s allergic to peanut butter?

Roofies make you susceptible to suggestion. If I give myself Roofies and tell myself I can fly, do you think it will work?

If you spend an entire three-day weekend away on vacation and never poop, wouldn’t your subsequent poop when you get home be the size of a small dog?

Under which circumstances is it acceptable to refer to yourself as your superhero name?

How long can you adjust your crotch in public before it’s considered masturbation?

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49 Replies to “Musings”

  1. Stephanie

    Girls don’t fart…we queef.

    Look it up.

    Also, you can adjust yourself as much as you want up until the actual releasing of spunk…then you are masturbating.

    Huh…I said queef and spunk in the same comment.

    What do I win?

  2. Y2K Survivorman

    OK maybe it’s just me, but I think if you clone yourself and then have sex with it… it’s just masturbation, pure and simple.

    ON the other hand, I think people should feel free to refer to themselves with their Superhero name whenever there is a cry for help and a need to stand up for truth, justice and sexual deviances for all!

  3. Aunt Robin

    As long as we’re musing…

    “I asked the zebra,
    Are you black with white strips?
    Or white with black strips?
    And the zebra asked me,
    Are you good with bad habits?
    Or are you bad with good habits?
    Are you noisy with quiet times?
    Or are you quiet with noisy times?
    Are you happy with sad days?
    Or are you sad with happy days?
    Are you neat with some sloppy ways?
    Or are you sloppy with some neat ways?
    And on and on and on and on
    And on and on he went.
    I’ll never ask a zebra
    About stripes
    Again.”

    Shel Silverstein

  4. The Absurdist

    All I know is, if you don’t poop for three days, you are in for a hell of a ride during your next dump time.

    As for girly poopy smells, when we drink, we fart more. I don’t know why. Something in the alcohol. But, we are very good at holding farts all day long when we are not in an inebriated state.

  5. Grant

    I always thought it would be cool to have a cloning machine so I could make a clone of myself to send out to do all the things I didn’t want to do. He could participate in public dinners with people who aren’t really my friends and then, at the end of the evening, they could wish him good night and shoot him. I would explain to him that he was a clone and didn’t really exist in the first place and so removing him just restores balance to the Great Magnet. Of course, if he’s at all like me, he’ll probably cop an attitude and insist he stay and I go. I can be a real dick like that.

  6. golfwidow

    The “juice” thing reminded me of an episode of “I Love Everyone in that Show EXCEPT Raymond”, where one of the kids drew a rectangle on the baby’s upper lip with a black Magic Marker, and Doris Roberts said to Patricia Heaton, “Can Hitler have a juice box?”

  7. themuttprincess

    I have no idea if there is a limit of “adjusting” yourself.

    Depends how many people are watching. If you have a crowd of 5 (or more) watching you it is considered masterbation. Make sure to charge them for the show!

  8. Hilly

    Hahaha about the farting one. I was like “Damn, Gina!”. And I think you should always refer to yourself as your superhero name, especially if you want people to leave you the fuck alone!

  9. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    Ummmm, was the toilet big enough to contain said 3-day old poop or did you have to call Roto-Rooter (aka Jason and Grant)?

    And? I prefer jelly to peanut butter. Just FYI for future meet-ups.

    It’s completely fine to use your superhero name at all times, just not when you’re masturbating. That’s the time for “Who’s your Daddy?”

  10. delmer

    I’ve had the same thoughts about poop myself. If I can manage to suppress it for days why isn’t it so much bigger on the third day?

    I know if you take some of that high-fiber drink stuff — even the store brand, it will do wonderous things to the size of the output. AND, if you misread the instructions and take 3x the recommended amount AND you buy the orange-flavored variety, it’ll smell like an orange grove when you fart or qweef.

  11. Sybil Law

    Avitamusings, huh?!
    I thought you had the answer to everything?! When did you become a philosopher?
    Oh wait – I need to order a tee shirt! I forgot to say yesterday I love it!
    Also, if you adjust yourself so much that it involves jizz eventually, it’s masturbating.
    :jerkoff2:

  12. Gwen

    The girls who told you that girls don’t fart are lying.

    From my experience, if you go three days w/o pooping, the first one after will be normal but then the floodgates open up and you find yourself in Explosive Diarrheaville. Let us know how it comes out.

  13. morning gruel

    Well, you’ve got some great life questions that have really got me thinking. I don’t have all the answers, but here are a few ideas…

    Q:If you get caught trying to take a drunk girl’s pants off with your teeth, pretending you’re invisible probably won’t work.
    A:Ah, but pretending that you’re drunker than she is might…

    Q:Do you think that maybe Hitler just really hated juice, but was misunderstood by those below him?
    A:Interesting theory except that it’s not called ‘juice’ in German.

    Q:If you cloned yourself, would it have a soul? And if you had sex with it, would you be gay?
    A:I don’t know, but if you killed it, would that make you a murderer?

    Q:When I put peanut butter on my taint and my dog won’t lick it off, do you think she’s allergic to peanut butter?
    A:Either that or she’s allergic to you. Does she run away when you call? That could be a hint that she is.

    Q:Under which circumstances is it acceptable to refer to yourself as your superhero name?
    A:Only at Comicon and then ONLY if you have either a)the best costume, or b)the worst costume. Because mediocre superheroes suck.

    Q:How long can you adjust your crotch in public before it’s considered masturbation?
    A:If your hand is OUTSIDE of your pants, then three hand movements MAX. If your hand is INSIDE your pants, forget it, you likely already ARE masturbating.

    p.s. I once knew a girl who admitted to farting, but claimed that all of her farts smelled like corn…

  14. hello haha narf

    after reading this i have spent all day telling a dumb joke about a genius who clones himself only to find that he created the most crude, rude, obscene clone. the clone is getting him in trouble at work by being so obscene, getting him in trouble at home with his wife and all so the genius starts thinking of ways to kill him. genius lures clone on the top of the empire state building and pushes him, trying to make it look like an accident, but genius is immediately arrested. for making an obscene clone fall.

    hey, i didn’t say it was a FUNNY joke.

  15. Avitable

    Amanda, you mean with a secret identity? I think all superheroes, for the most part, are like that, though.

    Steph, “queef” is one of the worst words in the English language.

    Y2K, I always stand up for sexual deviancy.

    Barnmouse, I’m glad somebody got the joke!

    Winter, I once went to summer camp for an entire week and never pooped.

    Jay, once an hour? But how long can you adjust it?

    RW, that will make AmyD very sad.

    BPR, orally masturbating would be awesome.

    Penelope, GHB. Yes, I was making a date rape drug joke.

    Zom, that’s a good idea!

    Karl, even in the privacy of my hotel room!

    Mr. Fabulous, I knew it!

    Robin, I love that one.

    Turnbaby, I wonder what his roommates would say to that question.

    Em, I guess I’ll switch to marshmallow fluff.

    Britt, well, probably Avitable.

    Absurdist, girls are classy.

    Grant, then you’d have to kill yourself or face rebellion.

    Golfwidow, you just admitted to watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

    Hello, I know, right? What was I thinking?

    TMP, what if I’m on a stage with a pole?

    Tug, just the time frame. I have no problem with public masturbation.

    Finn, gay incest? I think I’m okay with that.

    Steph, hahahahaha!

    Hilly, I think my hair almost went white.

    Robin, that’s supervillains you’re thinking of.

    Heather, even the Ghost Hunters were too scared.

    Tracy, what’s wrong with that?

    Maman, that might have helped considerably.

    Sir, I usually need 40 “adjustments”, though.

    Kapgar, exactly!

    Sarcastica, hahahahaha! Brilliant.

    Karen, outside.

    Crystal, I didn’t try – just wondering for next year.

    Delmer, I like smelling like an orange grove!

    Kyra, very nice!

    Sybil, you do need to order a T-shirt!

    Metalmom, fluffle is a nice word. I like that one.

    Shelli, 2.3 seconds.

    Wayne, so you’d totally have sex with yourself, wouldn’t you?

    BBM, you are totally a superheroine.

    Gwen, everything came out peachy. Not literally.

    BE Earl, good, because that’s how I usually do it.

    Morning Gruel, clearly you are a wise guru who has all of the answers.

    Hello, wow. I haven’t heard that stinker in a long time!

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