Categorically Uncategorized

Grand Theft Autoerotica

As some of you may have gathered, I can be a bit obsessive compulsive about things (gum, hand wash, toilet paper, diet coke, hotels). One of those things is video games.

Currently, I’m impatiently awaiting the release of GTA 4 for the PC. I refuse to play it on a console, mainly because I don’t own any of the consoles for which it was released, but also because I vastly prefer PC games to console games.

Since I wanted to play GTA, I decided to break out the old Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and play that again. My obsessive nature kicks in because when I start a video game, I have to beat it. I cannot stop playing in the middle of it. This makes it difficult when it’s such an open-ended game like GTA, which can take 60-80 hours just to get through the main story.

For the last two weeks, I’ve slacked on my blogging and even a bit on my working because I can’t stop playing, and this culminated in a weekend-long GTA orgy where I finally finished the game on Sunday night, right in time to listen to the Sunday night Blog Talk Radio show block.

I’d like to pretend that only my blogging has suffered during my slackjawed video game time, but I think it’s also affected me mentally. Spending well over 80 hours driving around a virtual city at top speed, mowing pedestrians down, sideswiping cars, driving off of embankments and ramps, and gleefully crashing vehicle after vehicle after vehicle until they burn has made it hard for me to focus when I’m driving for real.

Oh, someone’s going too slow? Just drive straight into them.

Sitting at a red light? Just run it! You can drive through the cars and push them around.

Traffic at a standstill? Go up on the sidewalk and through the grass! Who cares if a few pedestrians get in the way?

Do you see a car that you like better? Get out of your car, run over, and just pull the driver out. The car’s yours now!

As I type this, it’s Monday night, and I’m preparing to drive the 20 miles to my favorite drunken gutter slut’s house for the evening. If I survive and/or don’t get arrested for vehicular homicide, I’ll see you tomorrow!

Share the love:
RSS
Follow by Email
Google+
Google+
http://www.avitable.com/2008/05/20/grand-theft-autoerotica/
YouTube
Pinterest
LinkedIn
Instagram
snapchat
whatsapp

47 Replies to “Grand Theft Autoerotica”

  1. Sybil Law

    Godspeed, Avitable.
    :lmao:
    I know the addiction you speak of – I, too, love Grand Theft Auto games but I haven’t played in ages. It really can be so hard to get into a real car and not think that way! Still – I can’t believe you didn’t mention the hookers! Yeesh!

  2. Penelope

    This is why I won’t go near my son’s xBox. I’m terrified that I’ll be found 6 weeks later, shaking, gripping the controller with clawed hands and muttering to myself.
    Not that I have an addictive personality, or anything.

  3. NYCWD

    I have the GTA IV soundtrack on my iPod.

    Whenever the “Liberty City Invasion” song comes on… I want to jack a car. Driving over hookers is something I want to do especially when Barry White is on.

    You need an XBox.

  4. Cissa Fireheart

    Hope you made it in one piece, but I am guessing you did…cause you are twattering today…..

    I can relate…I play EQ2 and tehre are days I wish I were my character in a low level area so I could nuke the shit out of people to blow off steam….heh….

  5. whall

    I think the last game I played on the PC was Seventh Guest. I have both PS2 and Wii and we’re thinking of getting Xbox because it has downloadable content for guitar hero, or the PS3 because it’s a blueray disc player. But since we don’t have an HD-capable TV, we’ll probably wait another couple of years.

    But I’ve shared the same addiction to completing a game – it happened to me on PS2 with Treasure Planet, Emperor’s New Groove, Star Wars III, etc.

  6. RW

    I used to be that way with Super Mario brothers until someone told me that jumping on people’s heads could get me in big trouble and it won’t make bad people poof into thin air; nor will numbers come out of their heads. Imagine my surprise.

  7. radioactive girl tori

    I think this is the game that a friend of mine brought over once and I played it in front of the kids. When I let them try, they had an awesome time crashing into things and watching people bleed and cry. I’m raising some nice future criminals, right?

  8. Avitable

    Amanda, you’re such a John.

    Jen, it was hard to resist!

    Karl, Nintendo doesn’t like Mature games – they keep it family friendly.

    Sybil, well, the hookers were less fun in San Andreas, I thought.

    BPR, awww, poor retarded BPR.

    Y2K, Judd Apatow? I could only dream.

    BE Earl, it takes some commitment.

    Penelope, clearly, not at all.

    Mike, that’s how it was when I played Duke Nukem 3D back in the day, too.

    Mr. Fabulous, at least you have your priorities straight.

    NYCWD, I should get that soundtrack to psych me up for when it’s released for the PC.

    Britt, okay, maybe more than a bit.

    Turnbaby, well, she’s my favorite AND my least favorite.

    Preposterous, that’s what he gets!

    Sandi, I’ll try to stay away from you on the road!

    Mindy, could be.

    Cissa Fireheart, well, those twats were from my feed, which was scheduled, so I could be dead right now.

    Wayne, you don’t have an HDTV?

    Robin, nah – they’re just Massholes!

    RW, same thing happened to me when I tried to walk around that maze eating ghosts.

    Radioactive Girl, yes, you are. Well done.

    Poppy, hate to be mistaken for a hooker outside of the bedroom fantasy world?

    Christine, try it – get addicted!

  9. Winter

    This is why I haven’t bought any of the video consoles. That’s right. There are NONE in my house. It’s bad enough that Rott sits on his computer with his wheel and pedals racing at Long Beach day and night. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have bought the wheel and pedals… but they were really cool and on sale!

  10. martymankins

    PC games have never interested me, with the exception of some of those Microsoft Arcade games from years past (Pac Mac, Centipede, Missile Command). I’m a handheld and console guy, currently with a PSP and PS3. I play the PSP more than the PS3, but the PS3 gets used more for Blu-Ray than games for now. I do like Uncharted a lot… very addicting. And I’m trying to aspire to be better at Guitar Hero III (while not becoming the addict Wayne is.

    I certainly am curious about GTA 4 and plan to at least rent it for the week to see what it’s all about.

  11. Grant

    After spending an afternoon in an arcade playing a racing simulator, I left and entered the interstate by merging between two vehicles that had about 1 1/2 car lengths between them. The guy behind me stared in disbelief for several seconds and then almost crashed when he simultaneously slammed on the brakes and whipped the wheel left and right. Stupid fuck – I had plenty of room.

  12. Y2K survivor

    No damn it! Judd’s eccentric and less well adjusted and inbred 2nd cousin Judge. He is not into movies as much as his better known relative, but he is well known for his extended dialogue with finger puppets. He has amazed doctors and nurses alike back at “the home” when he somehow produces 11 different characters at the same time.

  13. bluepaintred

    quit sounding like my husband immediately! Im positive that the ability to work those stupid controls is something you are either born with or without, and I , sir, was born without that ability!

    S’ok, I can suck better cock than both of you put together.

  14. Dory

    I haven’t even played GTA and confess that I would loooove commit some of those heinous violations. I see a “videogame mindset” syndrome strategy of legal defense. Or maybe it’s already happened, which wouldn’t surprise me in the least!

  15. Avitable

    Finn, I think most women don’t.

    Winter, none? Not even a Wii?

    TMP, I’ll get it as soon as it’s out for the PC.

    Marty, I’m a big PC person – I like building them and playing on them.

    Grant, exactly!

    Amy, oh, you’re one of them.

    Y2K, ah yes, the 2nd cousin.

    BPR, I don’t know – we’re both pretty good at cocksucking.

    Gwen, I pity you.

    BBM, except for that “good people” part. “What can happen when a pervert plays video games” is probably more apt.

    Dory, I know – wouldn’t surprise me, either.

  16. Avitable

    Dragon, only sometimes!

    Student Teacher, at least you weren’t smashing imaginary guitars while driving.

    Poppy, you can do multi-player GTA with the new one, yes. I won’t be, though.

    Stephanie, exactly!

    Trukindog, thanks for the tip!

  17. Ok, Where Was I?

    Ha, ha…this is funny. I can see it as a Boston Legal episode–you get off (legally, I mean) b/c your lawyers can prove it was the game’s fault. You win millions of dollars and then can afford to buy an unreleased copy of GTA 4 and even 5.

Leave a Reply