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Accidental Porn

Amy returns home after two weeks on the road on business.

Amy: Hey, babe?
Me: Yeah?
Amy: Ummm, can I ask you something?
Me: Sure. What’s up?
Amy: When I was gone . . .
Me: Yeah…..
Amy: Did you watch porn on the bedroom TV?
Me: No, why?
Amy: I mean, it’s okay if you did. I understand.
Me: But I didn’t!
Amy: You can tell me – I won’t be upset.
Me: But I didn’t!
Amy: I know you do, so don’t feel bad.
Me: But I didn’t!
Amy: It’s me, babe. You can tell me. It’s okay.
Me: But I didn’t!
Amy: Then why, when I was going through the DVR to find something to watch, did I find “Summer of Love”, a story of two young girls exploring their sexuality, recorded from HBO around 2:30 AM?
Me: Ummmm…..
Amy: That’s what I thought.

The truth of the matter is that when Amy’s not here, I can’t sleep without putting the TV on and usually wake up in the middle of the night to groggily turn the television off, so I must have accidentally hit the “Record” button on the remote when I was turning it off late one night. But I don’t think she believes me.

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71 Replies to “Accidental Porn”

  1. Zom

    My buddy Sean thinks that you shoulda put the drawing of you with the Lube, on the “Avitable condoms”. (of which I wait patiently to receive)
    and after very little thought … I have to agree.

    P.S.
    “Summer of Love”, a story of two young girls exploring their sexuality”
    is a beautiful story of 2 young girls doing things that makes it possible for me to have sex with my hand. If Amy keeps hounding you about it, tell her you were DVR’ing it for me. I’ll take one for the team.

  2. Mike

    Well, I once (I was 16) wrote a note telling my parents I was sleeping over at a friend’s house. In order not to wake them, I didn’t open the kitchen light to write the note.

    The note turned out to be so messed up – It was mostly indecipherable – my parents both believe (to this date) that I was drunk off my ass while writing said note. I wasn’t, that happened waaaaay after the note.

    If you believe my true story, I’ll believe yours.

    Although I must say that if I had to choose, I’d like the power to record porn while sleeping better than the ability to write decently in the dark.

  3. Bec

    Oh come on people! This is clean living Avi! If he says he accidentally recorded it then I believe him! I mean – there is no donkey-lovin’ in this film – has to have been an accident!

  4. Sandi

    Oh my. I can’t imagine why she doesn’t believe you Adam. 😉

    p.s. I never can get my comment to work at Britt’s..but just wanted to relay to you that I am about 150 miles from Parkersburg..so if you need me to do anything or whatever let me know! Just a hop, skip and a jump away!

  5. B.E. Earl

    If she’s anything like my girlfriend then her only issue would be that since it was HBO it was probably bad porn. You know…a lot of pantomiming and strategically placed hands while they hump each other’s torsos.

    Nothing gets my girl crazy like bad porn. I still watch it though. 😉

  6. Maria

    I believe you.

    Once, I was DVR’ing a movie for my girls that came on Cinemax @ like 4am, but of course the DVR recording starts early. So the next day, I hit play and walk out and starting hearing the bomchickawowow music, but ignored it. Until I’m coming back through the living room and see them both glued to the fucking TV in a trance and turn to look – and I see three enormously titted women having their soft core way with some lucky guy.

    I believe you man.

  7. Grant

    I believe you because more than once I’ve found myself in situations where it would be easiest to just lie and get it over, but I insisted on telling the unbelievable truth. If I had any sense at all, I’ll lie my head off, but apparently I don’t.

  8. AmyD

    I believe you. I mean, why would you watch it in the bedroom when you have that fabulous collection on your computer.

    Why didn’t you just tell her, “Honey, really… uh, two girls? That’s kind of tame for me.”

    :lmao:

  9. Stephanie

    Hell, I don’t even believe you.

    But wait.

    You said HBO, right? The only semi-pornographic shows on HBO are soft-core at best, with no one actually touching anyone’s sexy bits…more like cupping their hands in the general area of genitilia…with no actual penetration, rubbing, or oral action going on.

    Not that I’ve ever tried to watch it. Or something.

    Gotta go. Cinemax is on………. :3some:

  10. DanjerusKurves

    I don’t have the time (or interest if I’m completely honest) to read the 57 comments above, so you might have seen this 23 times already: That’s actually a really good film! I’m not one for the chick flicks, but from previous emails with you, I think you might enjoy the film … and the accents … and maybe just a tiny bit the naked young ladies.

  11. Stephanie

    Um…yeah.

    I really do know how to spell “genitalia”.

    I blame my earlier transgression on the fact that I was horned out thinking about porn.

    @Poppy…I told you I was going to steal that phrase “horned out”.

    Shoulda copyrighted it, kiddo.

  12. Poppy

    Much to the chagrin of those who love me, I think money is stupid and therefore do not cash in on my brilliant ideas. Knock yourself out by using “horned out”. I’ll be over here in the corner eating Ramen.

  13. Avitable

    Amanda, no dolphins, and the girls were supposed to be 15-16, I think.

    DickieMaxx, but why would I watch the crap that passes for porn on TV?

    Dave, but I’m a paragon of virtue and honesty!

    Karl, as in “busted my nut”?

    Deb, I’m not a fan of the fecal porn, I gotta say.

    BPR, I think they rode a horse at one point.

    Poppy, it was probably the same movie, too.

    Sybil, she’s a funny one!

    Jay, heartwarming and warming to the cockles of my nuts.

    Winter, cats are very, very, very smart. And they like Ultimate Fighting.

    Honeybell, thank you! And even Skinamax porn sucks.

    Delmer, well, we actually watched a few minutes of it to see if it was really porn or not.

    Tori, is that what you watch when you get ready in the morning?

    Hilly, it’s like magic.

    Zom, you’ll get a condom soon, I promise, and thanks for taking the hit for me!

    Tracy, so are you saying you don’t believe me?

    Freelance Guru, who will you make the excuse to? Your cat?

    Turnbaby, I’d never lower myself to HBO porn.

    Fab, and tranny porn.

    Bubblewench, it’s so sad, too!

    Mike, that is a decent power, isn’t it?

    Penelope, you’d think people would know me better.

    Bec, exactly!

    Trukindog, that might be the operative difference right there.

    Kapgar, they do! I saw them!

    Nat, she looked 18, officer!

    Sandi, why can’t your comments work there – what happens when you try?

    BE Earl, she wasn’t upset, either. Just asking.

    TrishK, ooh, I want to buy that!

    LMSS, yeah, maybe.

    NYCWD, see? You know me.

    Mindy, so you don’t believe me either?

    Maria, why, thank you. Glad somebody does.

  14. Avitable

    Grant, the truth usually is weirder than the lie.

    Crystal, but I only watch porn when you’re in it!

    Robin, HBO softcore shit? That’s what my computer is for.

    Lady Jaye, are you serious or joking?

    Rayne, exactly – it’s too soft!

    Tug, I’m obviously very smooth under pressure.

    TMP, they’re not that close together, but when I grabbed the remote, I might have hit record.

    Hello, we watched some of it and there’s barely any nudity!

    Finn, then you were really turned on?

    Wayne, backstabber!

    AmyD, that was actually what I eventually said.

    BBM, softcore lesbian porn just doesn’t do it for me.

    Christie, well, clearly he’s a typical man.

    Stephanie, HBO is wayyyy too boring and blah for someone with my refined pornographic tastes.

    Maman, well, with a name like Fun Daddy . . .

    Jeff, who knew that “understands” could have so many meanings?

    Greeneyezz, the cinematography?

    Metalmom, the dog seemed interested in it.

    Eric, that article is way too long for me to care.

    Cathouse Teri, but that stuff is so boring and tame!

    Angel, I can’t catch a break.

    Atomic Bombshell, I don’t know about that.

    Poppy, actually, when we watched some of it to see what I had recorded, it was boring shit about two teenage girls who hang out with each other. One of them was pretty ugly, too.

    Greeneyezz, I only cop to things I’ve done wrong.

    DK, the redhead was fugly, though.

    Marissa, that’s the thing – it’s not really porn. Which is why I’d never watch it.

    Dragon, and here I thought you knew me.

    Em, I also sleep on her side of the bed.

    Gwen, thank you!

    Girl Dislocated, another excellent point. I’d just say I was.

    Stephanie, so you’re all horned out now?

    Poppy, but you could be a kajillionaire!

    DB, so this happens to you multiple times, eh?

  15. Poppy

    Err, no, haven’t seen that movie.

    I am surprisingly disinterested in watching two chicks go at it. Girl-guy or guy-guy bring it on, but I’m bored with girl-girl.

    And kajillionaire isn’t even a real term. Duh.

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