So, in the movies and television, what's the deal with evil CEOs who spend all of their time in the top floor of the office building that they ostensibly own, staring out the window at the city below?
You know the type I'm talking about. They have a visitor and when the visitor walks into their huge office (an office that must be 2,000 square feet with nothing but a desk in it that has nothing on it but a lamp and a phone), they're standing at their floor-to-ceiling windows with their back to the visitor, hands clasped behind their back, and then, right as the visitor is about to say something, they say something that they think is profound.
Half the time there isn't even a fucking computer on their desk, and of course, there are never any papers or files or anything that needs to be done. They might have a wet bar on wheels so that they can pour themselves some Scotch on the rocks to drink, right in the middle of their workday.
Maybe if these guys actually did a bit of fucking work in their role as CEO, they'd be too busy to be evil. I mean, there have to be emails to respond to, department heads to meet with, decisions to make, projects to check on and things to sign. You'd think, right?
Shit, maybe I should become an evil CEO. I'd love to just turn around and stare out of my window rather than have to work until I'm falling asleep at my desk to try to make payroll because I had a salesperson who had to leave town for a family emergency. It would be awesome to have my desk completely clear and drink Scotch all day long instead of mainlining caffeine so I can feel halfway normal.
Now I just need a nemesis.
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I do not volunteer to be your nemesis.
Comments by Amanda
Pick Me! Pick me!
Comments by bluepaintred
I'll be your nemesis. You with your general dislike of mommybloggers and me with my love of cutesy kids stories, we would be a perfect match. And by perfect I mean terrible. And that's why we would be such great nemesises. (How in the hell do you spell the plural of nemesis?)
Comments by Jen
They have an Executive Assistant... I cleaned his desk daily and "hid" everything in minutes whenever a guest showed up...
EA's are the biggest secret keepers ever!
Comments by Tori
Tori is right. You will have to have an executive assistant. And the EA will have to be young, hot and female.
Comments by Jay
For the money you'd be pulling in, you could actually hire a grammar specialist
(Their as they're/there? Come on!)
Comments by whall
If you really go for it, you can also get a "personal assistant" - PAs do everything the EA doesn't do, including shine your shoes and pick up your laundry and trim your ear hair. Don't knock the huge, useless office until you have tried to minions that come with it.
Comments by Nina
Call me silly and shallow, but I think you miss Britt.
Comments by Mary
I would offer to be your side kick, but that probably isn't wise.
Comments by hello haha narf
Caffeine?
Oh, no...
You know if there's anything I can do to help I'll do it.
Forward the phones to me and I'll tell all the clients to go fuck themselves.
(That's what y'all do all day long, right?)
(Hmm, maybe no.)
(Yes?)
(Oki, bye.)
Comments by Poppy
You know... when you factor Britt into the equation, suddenly we have an awesome plot here. Really, the cute, petite blonde that you take under your wing, who betrays you and in the ultimate good vs. evil plot point, battles you for control of the universe.
I'm telling you... at the very least, start writing a script.
Comments by AmyD
I sense a story in the making here... Good thing I have mad skills.
Comments by Winter
Or you could write a comic book, where Britt is the robin to your batman.
Your nemesis could be Dooce.
But make it rhyme with "moosh"
Comments by Zom
You mean to say that you don't stand glaring out of a window in an intimidating manor? You don't have a 25 foot desk (a la Christmas Vacation) and you don't spend all day yelling "Get me someone on the phone....anyone!"?
I'm so sad right now :o(
Comments by Penelope
I could be a evil CEO too. I'm damn good at looking out of windows, although it would have to be on the ground floor as I'm not overly keen on hights.
Comments by Dan
I can't be your nemesis. I love you too much.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
You are far too sweet to be an evil CEO. I know all about being a 'one man show' sugar. I feel for you and wish I could help but alas I too am alone in my office for the next two work days.
Smooch
Comments by Turnbaby
Amanda, no? You'd probably be pretty good at it.
BPR, you'd just drink coffee and cackle.
Jen, the plural of nemesis is in-laws.
Tori, hmmmm...
Jay, well, duh.
Wayne, it wasn't a grammar issue - I just rewrote that sentence a few times and had an extra "their" in it.
Nina, wanna be my minion?
Mary, yeah.
Hello, why not? That would be awesome.
Poppy, you're the best salesperson ever!
AmyD, yeah, but really, which one of us is the evil one?
Winter, uh oh.
Zom, I think Britt's more like a Batgirl.
Penelope, I know - I should be that guy!
Dan, I am also well-skilled in window-gazing.
Fab, until you stab me in the back!
Turnbaby, awww, thanks!
Comments by Avitable
They be looking at all the people on the street below, arbitrarily picking people out for death (or cake). I would be a fantastic evil CEO just as long as I had someone making me my drinks all day... I'd be far too evil to make them myself.
Comments by Bec
Oh, and if you want any admin doing give me a shout - I've got nothing but time at the mo!
Comments by Bec
Bec, did you just make a reference to Portal?
Comments by Avitable
I'm sure you could find a way to do all of that with your blog.
Comments by Robin
Doesn't the evil CEO always end up dead or in jail though? Is that what you really want?
Comments by bubblewench
Comments by student teacher (mcat)
Usually the evil CEO's aren't funny. So you would have to lose funny, and that would suck.
Comments by student teacher (mcat)
A nemesis and a business plan. You can't forget the business plan.
Comments by Thursday's Child
I had no Idea you were a CEO. Is there a company in the business of
Crudeness out there?
Comments by Freelance Guru
I'd be your slutty secretary, if you're looking to fill that position.
Comments by Maria
What's this "maybe I should become an evil CEO" bullshit? If you don't think you already are... then I assure you that your quickly on your way.
Can I be the incompetent security chief who plays with security cameras and TOTALLY ignores your nemesis sneaking into your office for a climactic showdown?
I hear the bennies are great.
Comments by NYCWD
If I were an evil CEO, I'd have my profound saying be: "I think I'll have a statue of a pigeon put in down there. Then I'll invite the Employee of the Month to come up here and poo on its head. What do you think?"
(NOTE: I had two white pills this morning. These things happen.)
Comments by golfwidow
I'm sorry babe. :-(
Comments by Miss Britt
But if you became an evil CEO you'd have to be profound every time someone came to see you. Can you handle that?
Comments by Lady Jaye
You're cranky 'cause you miss Britt. Poor Avi.
Comments by Finn
When I worked for BS, the lowest ranked employees actually believed upper management was like that, plotting against them and making decisions because it made them feel good to harm the workers. When I worked my way up the ladder far enough to see them in action, I discovered management saw the workers only as a resource and not human at all. They didn't deliberately plot against them, they just treated them the same as office supplies or machinery.
On a totally different note, it seems like nobody can really help Miss Britt by sending stuff or donating to charities. Is there any way one of you can setup a PayPal account or something so people can transfer funds directly?
Comments by Grant
You mean you don't already have a nemesis?
You must be ultra picky. Because I know you had to have pissed someone off so bad that they made it their life's goal to ruin you.
Comments by themuttprincess
But what if I made the coffee weak and the cackle was REALLY REALLY annoying. Then could I be your nemesis?
Comments by bluepaintred
Oooh - I'll be the EA! I like evil. In theory, I mean.
My babyface or innocent face throws people off. Plus, I am crazy organized, most of the time! Oh and I am also an excellent shot. Pick me! I'll even wear a cleavage suit!
Comments by Sybil Law
Unfortunately, I've worked for a couple of those cliche evil CEO's. They actually do exisit, although never quite as bad as they are on TV or film.
That being said, I'll volunteer to be your nemesis. I'm not sure what the position entails, but if I get to wear all black attire and have gorgeous lady kung-fu sidekicks then I'm in!
Comments by B.E. Earl
It's not that I am opposed to stabbing people in the back, but I wouldn't do it to you.
You strike me as one of those people who would spend the rest of your life making me miserable.
So...wanna make out a little?
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
first, i thought you already WERE an evil CEO. second, i would love to be your nemesis. and maybe i already am. {insert evil laugh here, which is actually just an unspeakably seductive laugh}
Comments by Crys
Oh! oh! oh! Pick me! Pick me! I'd make an awesome nemesis. I've got the best death stare ever. Ever.
Comments by Dragon
So if you are not the Evil CEO, what are you? Britt's assistant? Do you really work that hard all the time? Who knew searching for animal porn and lusting after teenie bopper babes would be so taxing?
Comments by y2k survivor
I am actually the Evil CEO's executive assistant. For both Best Friend, and My Brother The Lawyer. Because neither of them can muster up the sustained evil it takes to successfully get EVERYTHING DONE.
I'd be more than willing to take you on as well. Because believe me, I have plenty of evil to go around.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I've always wanted to be an evil CEO simply because the pay rocks. And that golden parachute when they retire? DAMN!
Comments by kapgar
I never really thought about it or questioned it, but you're right... Every CEO I know has piles of work all over their offices, and they're usually quite busy. They do still have one thing in common with that movie stereotype though - EVIL!
Comments by Atomic Bombshell
May I be your CFO? I am a math teacher after all.
Comments by Been there Done that
Well you know how women have to work their way up the ladder.
So strap on those knee pads and get busy.Before you know it you too will be looking out windows all day!
Cha-ching!
Comments by Preposterous Ponderings
I'd like to be your co-evil-CEO, actually. Together we'll chew lots of gum, drink scotch, and search the world for our nemesises. Or is it nemesi? Whatever.
Comments by Karl
Our CEO had an ice cream truck show up at work today and we could all eat ice cream for free. I think everyone liked it even better than when he took us for rides on the fire truck he bought on auction.
I guess he has to be a cool CEO since our building has only one floor to look down from.
Comments by Stacey
I'll be your nemises.....but i need a cool name. And money.
And soft-core porn.
Maybe.
Never mind.
Comments by Stephanie
Robin, you mean be CEO of my blog?
Bubblewench, well, I'd have to be one that got away with it!
Student Teacher, that's a good point.
Thursday's Child, the business plan is the easy part!
Freelance Guru, I wish. I actually have to be professional in my job.
Maria, how'd you guess?
NYCWD, good benefits, but you could end up dead.
Golfwidow, hmmm. Try three next time.
Britt, it's okay - you weren't supposed to read this!
Lady Jaye, I'm a fountain of profundity.
Finn, damn you for seeing beneath my crusty exterior.
Grant, we're still working on that part - it's harder to figure out than I would have thought.
TMP, you'd think, right? Usually I kill them and suck the marrow from their bones.
BPR, hmmm, maybe.
Sybil, how about a naked EA?
BE Earl, I've had evil CEO bosses, but they didn't stare out windows all day long.
Fab, sure, but only a little tongue.
Crystal, so it's one of those love/hate things?
Dragon, ooh, death stares are good.
Y2K, it's a tough job and somebody's gotta do it.
Tracy, but would you show me your rack?
Kapgar, I would think the golden parachute wouldn't work very well because it's so heavy.
Atomic Bombshell, well, the evil part is easy.
Been There, how could I funnel funds into secret accounts if I have a CFO?
Preposterous, well, I'm already the CEO - it's just the evil part that's hard.
Karl, nemesii.
Stacey, I take my office out to the movies during the summer.
Stephanie, how about "Tits McGee"?
Comments by Avitable
Deal! Oh - and that could be my Halloween costume, too!
Comments by Sybil Law
Tits McGee it is.
Comments by Stephanie
Sybil, I agree!
Stephanie, sweet!
Comments by Avitable