Monthly archives

Party nonsense

 

Is there ingrained, in every woman in the world, a sense of urgency with regards to cleaning one's house in preparation for a party?

Saturday night we had a group of 10 or 11 people over for drinks, then we all went out to dinner and then came back for desserts, drinks, and fun.

Saturday I spent from dawn until dusk cleaning like we were hosting the fucking Queen. Does behind the toilet really need to sparkle? Is anyone going to look behind the toilet? Are our women guests going to quietly excuse themselves to the bathroom and then inspect behind the toilet? Will they write up a small report in "Behind the Toilet Quarterly"? "At the Avitable household, I performed a white glove test behind the toilet, around the edge of the mirror, and inside the cabinet drawer. While a bit more attention to detail could be appreciated, maybe by using a toothbrush to really bring out the shine, I heartily give the behind the toilet at the Avitables 4 out of 5 daisies."

The same goes for the guest rooms. I spent literally two hours cleaning one of the guest rooms, including moving furniture, putting books on shelves, removing electronics and rearranging the closet, only to have our guests exposed to that particular room for less than ten seconds during the tour of the house. *Click* the light goes on. "And this is the guest room," my wife says. *Click* the light goes off. I think I'm just going to take a very high resolution picture of the room, blow it up to a poster, and tape it to the door. Then, we can just shut the door to the guest room and it will look immaculate.

Finally, how is it that the pile of paper and bills on the counter becomes my pile when we're about to have a party? "Have you gotten rid of your pile?" "Don't forget to clean up your pile!" "If you don't clean up that pile I will stab you between your eyes with this spoon!" I finally get around to cleaning up my pile, which consists of bringing into my office and adding it to the other miscellaneous crap that gets shoved in here as part of "cleaning up". My office becomes the repository for every random box, book, magazine, item of clothing, pet toy, blow-up sex doll, and hooker boot in the house. And then my wife thinks it's funny to walk in and ask why my office is such a mess!

I wonder if my housekeeper would just start coming every day?

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Lazy Sunday XLV

 

Welcome to the 45th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was tough for everyone. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #3 was "The Simpsons" or that the correct answer to #13 was "Roswell". I'm ashamed of you supposed Simpsons fans and scifi fans out there!

You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest! This week's prize is a mystery! I'll be pulling out some cool stuff and giving it away, but it's a total enigma to you!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct - I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can - some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket - you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system - try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!


1. Name something you have in common with all your siblings?
I don't really have anything in common with them. They don't even like Twinkies!

2. Do you fold your underwear?
Iron it, fold it, arrange it by color and age and who it was inspected by.

3. Who is the last person you wrote a letter to on paper?
I told someone that if they were in, I was in.

4. What was your first job?
I worked for my dad's Big and Tall store.

5. Aside from Driver's Ed, who really taught you how to drive?
I been driving people around in Hong Kong for long time.

6. What did you do today?
Killed a yak with mind bullets.

7. Are you emotional?
I ain't got time to emote.

8. Have you ever had the same dream more than once?
Just that one where I owned the inn in Vermont.

9. If you were in an emergency situation and you had to deliver a baby, could you?
Only if you downloaded the knowledge into my brain.

10. What was the most recent thing you bought?
This cutest little pet from a cranky Chinese guy.

11. What is on your refrigerator door?
I don't know. It blew away, with the fridge, during an atomic bomb explosion.

12. Name something you have to do tomorrow.
Give the best history presentation ever.

13. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Only the laser-free ones.

14. What are you wearing?
An outfit that blends in with the outside of this building, a small hang glider, and I'm carrying an empty gun.

15. What was the last thing you ate?
The best pork dish I've ever eaten.


And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
Read more...

Life on Mars

 

I've been slacking on replying to comments over the last few days because of a new TV show I've found, called Life on Mars. It's a UK show about a cop named Sam Tyler who gets hit by a car and wakes up in 1973.

He can't figure out if he's in a coma and imagining it or if somehow he's actually been sent to the past or why he's there. Watching him try to adapt to the less ethical yet still effective methods of a more brutal police force without losing his own sense of morals and his need for procedure and evidence is fascinating. The main character and his captain, Gene Hunt, have a great dynamic, and I can't stop watching!

If you can find it on Bit Torrent, I highly suggest that you download it and watch it. If you don't like it, you're probably one of those types who watches Deal or No Deal or the Bill Engvall show, so there's no hope for you anyways.

Candy giveaway

 

Have you tried these yet?


The Snickers Adventure Bar is a limited edition candy bar that came out for the new Indiana Jones flick. It's got a hint of coconut flavor along with some other spices and is pretty delicious! I had one and liked it so much that I went to my usual excesses and ordered a few cases of it online. And just like with the Strawberry Whoppers, I need to divest myself of some of these delicious magical candy bars.

So, here's the deal:

Let's see how well you know me! Here are five questions about me. Answer them in the comments, and if you get all five correct, your name will be entered in a drawing. I'll pick two, maybe three names out of those and send all of the winners one of these limited edition Snickers Adventure Bars!

1. How tall am I?

2. What's my dog's name?

3. What was my undergraduate degree in?

4. How long have I been blogging?

5. What's my favorite drink?

Have a good weekend!

Fuck Cancer

 

Many of you probably know Lisa from Clusterfook. She's a brave soul who is currently fighting cancer for the third time, and today she goes in for chemotherapy. I'm guest posting for her today, and I'd love it if you'd stop by and show some support.

Just go here: http://clusterfook.com/2008/06/26/bald-is-beautiful/

Why I'm the best boss ever.

 

This is our company summer movie schedule - the days that I will take everyone in the office out to see that movie. And yes, I'll buy popcorn, drinks, and candy.

Friday, June 28th: Wanted

Thursday, July 3rd: Hancock

Friday, July 11th: Hellboy II

Friday, July 18th: The Dark Knight

Friday, July 25th: Step Brothers or The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Friday, August 8th: Pineapple Express

Friday, August 15th: Tropic Thunder

I think this more than makes up for "Naked Wednesdays", "Lunch at Rachel's", and our afternoon wake-up session, "Find the Boner", don't you?

I must be premenstrual

 

Maybe I'm having sympathy PMS from all the PMSy bitchiness enveloping me everywhere I go recently, because this video just feels kind of happy and inspiring, and I can't think of anything cynical or sarcastic to say about it.


Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Where The Hell Is Matt?

ALSO: I'm guest posting over at Robin's blog today while she's on her honeymoon. Drop in and say hi!

Movies, movies, movies

 

Entertainment Weekly came up with a list of the top 100 movies of the last 25 years. I thought I'd start a meme, much like that one going around where you highlight the books that you've read or tried to read.

I've bolded the movies that I've watched and put asterisks next to the ones that I liked. Feel free to do this yourself!

1. Pulp Fiction (1994) **
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-03)
3. Titanic (1997)
4. Blue Velvet (1986)
5. Toy Story (1995)**
6. Saving Private Ryan (1998)**
7. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
8. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)**
9. Die Hard (1988)**
10. Moulin Rouge (2001)
11. This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
12. The Matrix (1999)**
13. GoodFellas (1990)**
14. Crumb (1995)
15. Edward Scissorhands (1990)**
16. Boogie Nights (1997)
17. Jerry Maguire (1996)**
18. Do the Right Thing (1989)
19. Casino Royale (2006)**
20. The Lion King (1994)**
21. Schindler's List (1993)
22. Rushmore (1998)**
23. Memento (2001)**
24. A Room With a View (1986)
25. Shrek (2001)**
26. Hoop Dreams (1994)**
27. Aliens (1986)**
28. Wings of Desire (1988)
29. The Bourne Supremacy (2004)**
30. When Harry Met Sally... (1989)**
31. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
32. Fight Club (1999)**
33. The Breakfast Club (1985)**
34. Fargo (1996)**
35. The Incredibles (2004)
36. Spider-Man 2 (2004)**
37. Pretty Woman (1990)**
38. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)**
39. The Sixth Sense (1999)**
40. Speed (1994)**
41. Dazed and Confused (1993)
42. Clueless (1995)**
43. Gladiator (2000)
44. The Player (1992)
45. Rain Man (1988)**
46. Children of Men (2006)
47. Men in Black (1997)**
48. Scarface (1983)
49. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)**
50. The Piano (1993)
51. There Will Be Blood (2007)
52. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad (1988)**
53. The Truman Show (1998)**
54. Fatal Attraction (1987)
55. Risky Business (1983)**
56. The Lives of Others (2006)
57. There’s Something About Mary (1998)**
58. Ghostbusters (1984)**
59. L.A. Confidential (1997)**
60. Scream (1996)**
61. Beverly Hills Cop (1984)**
62. sex, lies and videotape (1989)
63. Big (1988)**
64. No Country For Old Men (2007)
65. Dirty Dancing (1987)**
66. Natural Born Killers (1994)**
67. Donnie Brasco (1997)
68. Witness (1985)
69. All About My Mother (1999)**
70. Broadcast News (1987)
71. Unforgiven (1992)**
72. Thelma & Louise (1991)**
73. Office Space (1999)**
74. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)
75. Out of Africa (1985)
76. The Departed (2006)**
77. Sid and Nancy (1986)
78. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)**
79. Waiting for Guffman (1996)**
80. Michael Clayton (2007)
81. Moonstruck (1987)**
82. Lost in Translation (2003)**
83. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)**
84. Sideways (2004)**
85. The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)**
86. Y Tu Mamá También (2002)**
87. Swingers (1996)
88. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)**
89. Breaking the Waves (1996)
90. Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
91. Back to the Future (1985)**
92. Menace II Society (1993)
93. Ed Wood (1994)
94. Full Metal Jacket (1987)**
95. In the Mood for Love (2001)
96. Far From Heaven (2002)
97. Glory (1989)
98. The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)
99. The Blair Witch Project (1999)**
100. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)**

Are there any movies that you think should be on here that aren't? I'm wondering where The Princess Bride, Goldeneye, Groundhog Day, Clerks 1 or 2, Se7en, Shawshank Redemption, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and Batman Begins are, personally.

Lazy Sunday XLIV

 

After a short break last week (go see last week's winners and answers over at Shiny's blog), we're back for Lazy Sunday 44!

This week's prize is a Royal Rabbit Vibrator Kit from Adam & Eve!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct - I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can - some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket - you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system - try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!


1. Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
At the guy who rescued me when he wouldn't bring all of my luggage.

2. What kind of car do you drive?
A taxi. I named him Benny.

3. Have you ever had a garage sale?
Not since I caused havoc by selling my matter transporter for two dollars.

4. What's for dinner tonight?
I don't know, but ick. I'd eat anything you cooked (but I won't eat that).

5. What is the last drink you drank?
A good sarsparilla.

6. Last time you were sick?
When getting a ride in the fighter jet from DC to Los Angeles.

7. Are you happy right now?
I'm always happy unless I end up headfirst in a horse's ass.

8. What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
The one that says "Bad Motherfucker".

9. What is in your pocket?
A room key for the hotel where my boyfriend lives since his house burned down, a taser, and a pen that's actually a listening device.

10. Who is the last person you had a phone conversation with?
I don't remember, but it's tattooed on my shoulder.

11. What's something fun you did today?
Had a showdown with my dad. Literally.

12. What are you going to do after this
I'm going to spend all of my credits to hang out with a Companion.

13. What is something you need to go shopping for?
Hot sauce. My brother, sister and I love hot sauce.

14. What was the last thing someone you love said to you?
Multipass.

15. What is a compliment you receive way too often?
People tell me that my hair is perfect and then call me a girl's name. I'll take what I can get!


And that's it for this week!

In Memoriam

 

New York City's Watchdog, we remember.