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Saturday is for stealing from Britt

I traveled forward in time, saw what Britt was posting for today’s post, and stole it.

The Rules: Highlight the things you can do and leave the things you can’t in normal type.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.
I like to walk around and dispense sound bites of advice like a modern day Confucius.

2. Tell if someone is lying.
Is their mouth moving?

3. Take a photo.
Like, steal it from the wall?

4. Score a baseball game.
I don’t know why I’d want to do it, but I can.

5. Name a book that matters.
That matters to me? Easy.

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.
As long as this doesn’t mean “know” in the Biblical sense.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.
I love a broiled steak.

8. Not monopolize the conversation.
I tend to let others talk.

9. Write a letter.
Yup. Watch. “A”.

10. Buy a suit.
Even with my hatred of pants, I’ve had to buy a decent suit and wear it.

11. Swim three different strokes.
I lettered in high school on the swim team. No, really.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up.
I think if you’re actually showing respect, that’s different from being a suck-up.

13. Throw a punch.
I usually miss when I throw, though.

14. Chop down a tree.
I just cut down one in my backyard!

15. Calculate square footage.
Ah, but can you calculate round footage?

16. Tie a bow tie.
It’s easy and a pain in the ass at the same time.

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.
Doesn’t have to be an alcoholic one, does it?

18. Speak a foreign language.
Watashii wa Nihongo o hanashite imasu.

19. Approach a woman man out of his/her league.
Have you seen my wife?

20. Sew a button.
Yes, but that’s what servants are for.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.
My French friend and I argue without her running away all of the time.

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it.
Since this doesn’t make any sense, I’m going to say that yes, I can do it.

23. Be loyal.
To my dying day.

24. Know his/her poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.
Does this mean that I’d know what type of drink Amy looks like? Who wrote this shit?

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.
Who can’t do this?

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
Years of summer camp rear their ugly head.

27. Play gin with an old guy.
I can play with a young girl, too.

28. Play go fish with a kid.
I like to play it with myself, too.

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.

30. Feign interest.
Many of my friends are women. I have to in order to survive!

31. Make a bed.
So tight you can bounce a quarter off of it!

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick.
I can do that and I don’t even drink!

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.
I’m a decent nine-ball player, too.

34. Dress a wound.
I’m better at undressing, though.

35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil.
Can you jump-start a car with drama? I should learn that technique.

36. Make three different bets at a craps table.
I read a book on craps before going to Vegas and then was too intimidated to go play.

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.
Just click “new deck” on Spider Solitaire.

38. Tell a joke.
This blonde walks into a bar. The brunette ducks.

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.
Blackjack was less intimidating, but I still read a book on that, too.

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.
By speak, you mean flick on the ear, right?

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.
And if it’s a cute waitress, she doesn’t even have to!

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.
She understands “Lick the peanut butter from my taint” very well.

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.

44. Ask for help.
I know my limitations.

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist.
Is this before or after the guy jerks me off?

46. Tell a woman’s dress size.
By looking at the label.

47. Recite one poem from memory.
Oh Captain, My Captain.

48. Remove a stain.
Semen, mostly.

49. Say no.
I have to turn down hundreds of solicitations for sex from female (and male) bloggers all the time.

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.
Piece of cake.

51. Build a campfire.
I can even make s’mores.

52. Step into a job no one wants to do.
I am usually the martyr.

53. Sometimes, kick some ass.
When I’m mad, I’m really mad.

54. Break up a fight.
I usually just offer to sleep with both women.

55. Point to the north at any time.
I have a compass, right?

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person.
I screwed up that one time when I made that playlist with “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, by the Beatles, “Eat it”, by Weird Al, and something by the Fine Young Cannibals. Gave the wrong message.

57. Explain what a light-year is.
That guy from Toy Story.

58. Avoid boredom.
Masturbation is where I am a Viking!

59. Write a thank-you note.
I wrote all of ours for our wedding.

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.
I’d burn down Pepsi to show my loyalty for Coca-Cola.

61. Cook bacon.
I looooove bacon.

62. Hold a baby.
You mean by palming the head?

63. Deliver a eulogy.
I can, but I haven’t had to. I never want to.

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.
His mom was a right cunt.

65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap.
Right-fielder here.

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral.
I used to love throwing a football.

67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.
Wait, does reliably mean it actually goes into the basket?

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost.
Why does it say “his”?

69. Tie a knot.
I can tie my penis into a bow.

70. Shake hands.
I’m shaking my right one right now.

71. Iron a shirt.
I know how to. Don’t want to, but I can.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.
I’m always prepared.

73. Caress a woman’s neck.
I’m good at this.

74. Know some birds.
I’d know an ostrich anywhere.

75. Negotiate a better price.
I’m always willing to get up and walk away.

So now I’ve learned that I need to learn quantum physics, electrical installation, and work on my jump shot. Other than that, I am indeed pretty much a perfect specimen of humanity. You may all worship me now.

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27 Replies to “Saturday is for stealing from Britt”

  1. Poppy

    This makes no sense to me.

    Is it my fever?

    Even if I assume it’s one of those “have you done these things in your lifetime” lists it still makes no sense.

    And yet Illusions of Grandeur made perfect sense.

    This is my world.

  2. Karen

    #22 means that the guy is assumed to have no idea whether she did or didn’t. But shouldn’t the question be about how well it can be faked?

    Seems to me that a guy faking an orgasm is a more heroic task.

  3. B.E. Earl

    I think the quantum physics comment is just there no one will be able to bold ALL the items.

    Because the freaks that actually will bold that comment certainly won’t be able to throw a tight spiral, hit a 12-foot jump shot or give a trannie an orgasm. That’s what #22 meant, right? I’m so confused.

  4. Miss Britt

    I hate reading when you do these because they’re not anywhere even close to true.

    You can be funny while being honest.

    For example:

    “75. Negotiate a better price.
    I’m always willing to get up and walk away.”

    I’ve HEARD you “negotiate” for business and you STINK at it. “Can you do any better than that?” “No.” “Oh, OK, thanks. Here’s my credit card.”

  5. student teacher (mcat)

    I think #22 refers to men who either ask you afterwards, “Did you come?” when it was obvious that you came, or ask “Did you come?” in the middle of sex when you didn’t really give any indication that you came.

    It’s sad that I know this.

  6. Avitable

    Tracy, five minutes is all I need!

    Poppy, I wrote my comments under the numbered choices, instead of putting them in parentheses afterwards. It’s your fever.

    Amanda, yeah, that wasn’t revelatory or anything.

    BB, no, it was the blondeness of the guy who wrote it.

    Karen, I fake with myself all the time.

    BE Earl, I don’t know – those quantum physics guys are pretty bad-ass.

    Janna, exactly!

    Britt, I negotiate high-ticket items, like when I buy a car, or when we bought our TV. The list didn’t say it was something that we do every time, just if we can do it.

    Turnbaby, I’m not.

    Student Teacher, did you write this one? 🙂

  7. Finn

    The Lord giveth (meaning you got many points here):
    “19. Approach a woman man out of his/her league.
    Have you seen my wife?”

    And the Lord taketh away (meaning you lost many points here):
    “30. Feign interest.
    Many of my friends are women. I have to in order to survive!”

    So you’re basically right back where you started.

    I still don’t feel well so there will be no worship today. Maybe next time. If I don’t have a headache.

  8. Avitable

    Finn, it’s not a slight on women, but many women need to recap minutiae, right?

    Dragon, poor chicken won’t ever get laid.

    Winter, they haven’t gotten with the program yet.

    Jay, I can juggle, too. But only with 1 or 2 balls max.

    BTDT, aren’t birds hot women?

    HG, I would, but only if I can take your money. I mean, their money.

    Bec, or I may have to take them to a re-education center.

    Hilly, you know it’s true, too!

    Hello, I’ve only had 8 Diet Cokes today. I need to step up my game!

  9. sybil law

    You always, always make me laugh.
    My husband is laughing, too. He’s watching me comment and looking over my shoulder. I hate that! But the plus is, he likes your site!

    I can’t wait ’til my computer is fixed! Dammit!

  10. Lisa

    How did no one not find what you said about Christopher Columbus’ mother hilarious? I mean am I on good drugs or something? Legal drugs, mind you. Not mind altering either.

    But c’mon…that’s good stuff!

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