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It all started innocently enough, with my phone ringing.

“Yes, Britt?” I answered.
“Hey, I was just wondering, SNOORKGARSHHHHH,” she exhaled smoke while talking, “do you want to catch a movie this afternoon?”
“Sure! That would be fun.”
“So, yes? SHMOOOWANGKAKASHHH And you’re not going to renege on me or ditch me?”
“Of course not! I promise, we’ll go see a movie!”
“Ok, cool. Thekdsniwllbeready at 1:30.”
“What was that?”
“Thekdsniwllbeready at 1:30.”
“Did you just say ‘The kids and I will be ready?’ You mean it won’t just be us?”
“Yup! You promised!” *Click*

When I go to the movies, I like to be the person who looks down on the people with the loud children. I didn’t want to be those people! So I grumbled on the way to the movie theater. And I rolled my eyes and sighed at all of the parents trying to wrangle their little shithead kids into the theater. And I complained at the fact that the theater’s seats didn’t have cupholders and the armrests were fixed in position. And I gave the evil eye to the little fuckwits who sat behind me and insisted on mindlessly chattering throughout the movie. And I mentally kicked the twat (who insisted on making us get up so she could squeeze by rather than going the easier route on the other side) square in the face.

Throughout the entire process of buying tickets and standing in line at the concession stand and trying to convince Emma that the movie theater was not too scary to enter, I was sending out negative mental vibes. To every parent there I was thinking, “Fuck you, I don’t like your kids and don’t want them near me. I will drop-kick them so quickly if they so much as look at me wrong.” And I realized that these vibes seemed to be working! Parents were shying away from me, grabbing their kids by the hand, looking at me angrily, and some of them even covered their kids’ eyes (so as to keep them from looking at me wrong, I was guessing).

I was pretty proud of this newfound psychic power! I could make people turn away and leave me alone just by thinking really mean thoughts. After the movie was over, I tried it again. While waiting for Britt and her kids to use the bathroom, I stood by the bathroom door and looked each kid in the eye meaningfully, thinking mean thoughts and thinking about transmitting those thoughts to the kids and their parents. And sure enough, it worked! The parents would grab their kid and give me a wide berth and they would glare at me as they did so.

When we got back to Britt’s house, I had to tell Britt. “I think I’m psychic now!” I explained in detail what happened.

“Yeah?” she said, “Is that what you think?”

“Well, of course. What else could it have been?”

“Maybe it was just the fact that you were a big scary guy going to a kid’s movie, and . . .” she took a sip of her soda.

“And what?”

“Well, and your fly was unzipped the whole time.”

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64 Replies to “Pedophobe”

  1. Janna

    All through the post I was thinking “Cool! You’ve gotta teach me the secrets of this wonderful power! I hate kids! I envy your abilities! I bow respectfully in your general direction!”

    Leaving your fly open?
    Pretending it was an accident?

    Though, I’ve gotta say… if I happened to see you somewhere with your fly open, surrounded by children of varying ages, I’d be the one taking out the camera and conveniently snapping a few blackmail pictures.

    Hey, it’s gotta be worth SOMETHING.

  2. Nina

    You are exactly the kind of person who says they don’t want kids and then winds up having one in later life. I’ll be stopping by in seven years or so just to see if I am right. It would not surprise me at all to find out you had a small Avitable by the time you turn forty.

  3. Girl, Dislocated

    :lmao: Until I read the last line, I was envisioning the faces you were making in Friday’s post. I’m pretty sure that would have been enough of a child repellent, but the unzipped fly was a good back up plan.

    I can’t decide which is worse: the unzipped fly or the pink underwear peeking through your shorts. I guess it depends on whether or not anything was peeking through your fly, but in any case, you definitely have shorts issues.

  4. Aunt Robin

    I fly out to Cape Cod in the morning to meet my brand new baby grandchild (my first!). He is destined to be the first absolutely perfectly well-behaved child EVER! Of course.

    BTW, they tell me he’s hung like a small pony so you’d be no threat at all.


  5. DutchBitch

    I would think that the parents putting their hands over their kids’ eyes all the time when they attempted looking in your direction would’ve been sort of a “giveaway” of the real reason… but then… I don’t know… maybe not… :tongue1:

  6. Been there Done that

    I think that the evil eye mojo was working. They probably saw their parents reading Friday’s post, and they were having flashbacks. Elementary aged kids usually don’t hesitate to tell you to XYZ (examine your zipper) or close the barn door before the horse gets out. If they were scared to tell you they would have announced your situation loudly to their mothers.

  7. whall

    Read the George Noory book ‘Worker in the light’ and he talks about how negative vibes *do* work, but there’s a horrendous psychic backlash.

    Evidently it unzips your fly.

  8. Avitable

    Amanda, I don’t think she noticed until I was standing there, back at her house.

    BPR, luckily, the manties restrained the power of the penis from showing through.

    Jay, not this time, thank God.

    Mary, well, it’s only Monday.

    Janna, you could also just sell them to the tabloids. Since I’m a celebrity on the Internets.

    Karl, flaccid, actually.

    Captain Steve, I should just stick to stalking 16-year old girls.

    Golfwidow, the penis mightier than the sword.

    Chris, yeah, give that a try.

    AmyD, she also wouldn’t want to go to a PG movie. She’d be dragging us to the porno theater.

    Poppy, at least he didn’t say, “I’m coming!”

    Bethie, poorly.

    Nina, so you’re saying you want to have my babies?

    Zanthera, no, she’d probably try to fuck me where I stood.

    Girl, Dislocated, at least I had normal-colored manties on this time.

    Aunt Robin, I’m hung like a “My Little Pony” doll.

    Hello, I’m issueless.

    ADW, go Britt? No sympathy for poor little me?

    DB, I didn’t think to check my cock, though.

    Britt, fucker.

    Heather, that is weird. Clearly, you’re clinically insane.

    Em, hell yes. Kids shouldn’t fly.

    Delmer, it was indeed. And it was a good movie, too.

    ACG, this time!

    Nat, we’re a kids-free zone at the office, so I know it will work!

    Gwen, apparently!

    Manager Mom, well they didn’t get to see the beast unleashed in all of his tiny flaccid fury.

    BTDT, well, they were telling their parents – that’s probably why I was getting the glares.

    NYCWD, I could just use my crotch as a divining rod.

    Robin, then you’d have kids getting lost in your vagina.

    Whall, evidently! There should be warnings about that.

    Misi, that is what people usually call my penis, yes.

    Metalmom, I only have one monkey bar.

    HG, what’s weird to you? And Jack Black’s in it, so I would have gone to see it at some point anyway. I hate kids, though. Except Britt’s. They’re cool.

    Finn, I could have been erect.

  9. B.E. Earl

    How do you really feel about kids?

    Actually, I kinda feel the same way about ’em. WC Fields said it best, many times, on the topic of children:

    “Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

    “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.”

    “Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.”

    “I like children – fried.” <- my favorite

    “I never met a kid I liked.”

  10. Avitable

    Robin, not at all!

    BE Earl, those are some classic quotes.

    Dragon, I don’t take pleasure in it – I just dislike them!

    Angel, so your mom wants me, does she?

    Shelli, they were very good, and they’re not afraid of me. I like them.

    Tracy, 😀

  11. radioactivegirltori

    I just sat and read all the comments and your responses so now all my questions are answered about what movie and some other things I wondered.

    I think it is awesome you went with her and the kids, even if you did end up not being as good at being psychic as you thought you were.

  12. Blondefabulous


    HHH looks at me like I have lost my ever lovin’ MIND if I ask him to go to the movies with the kids and myself.

    Afternoon at the movies- $40
    Popcorn and such- $40
    Thinking you’re psychic, but really your fly is down- PRICELESS!!!

  13. Trukindog

    Well I say the promise didn’t count cause she threw the kids in after but I’m glad you went cause I’ve been laughing and gigglin my ass off for the last five min. picturing the whole thing in my head.

    Maybe you do have psychic powers, they were just emanating from your other head. :cock:

  14. Winter

    As soon as you said the parents were steering clear of you I knew your fly was open. As for using your dick as a diving rod for horse races… it might work. Just be careful of getting to close to the horses. They might think your dick is a carrot. *winces*

  15. Maria

    LMAO @ Britt telling you afterwards. LOL!!

    I have the most well behaved children on the planet. So I can take them to the movies. We’ve seen Iron Man 4 times [at their request], and neither has let out a peep. Nope, not even the 2 year old. When she got tired of it she curled up on me and went to sleep. It enables to me to be person with kids rolling my eyes at the person that can’t control theirs. I love it.

    Friday? We’re seeing The Incredible Hulk along with everyone else. If I happen to see you giving me or my children dirty looks, be prepared for a mental ass whooping.

  16. Avitable

    Radioactivegirl, I like her kids, actually.

    Blondefabulous, so your kids are the annoying ones at the theater?

    Cat, anytime!

    Turnbaby, this is true. Haven’t I told you that’s actual size, not drawn to scale?

    Sybil, yup!

    Fab, only when you’re around and bent over.

    Maman, did my open zipper help your wooziness?

    Marty, that would have been awesome and lucky for me that it wasn’t.

    Steph, I know, right?

    HG, why do I think that your kids would be loud in the theater?

    Trukindog, you giggle? I just can’t see it.

    Lylalou, thanks!

    BB, some of them. Most of them are blondes.

    Winter, I’ll stick to the dog races. At least then I can smear peanut butter on it.

    Em, I’m sure your kids are the exception, though.

    SpecialK, what’s in my pants always makes people laugh. It’s a gift and a curse.

    Maria, I only gave the obnoxious ones dirty looks.

    JT, I don’t know – some of those kids are probably good at blowjobs.

    Stacey, or a psychic penis.

    Sue, and unfortunate for me!

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