It all started innocently enough, with my phone ringing.
"Yes, Britt?" I answered.
"Hey, I was just wondering, SNOORKGARSHHHHH," she exhaled smoke while talking, "do you want to catch a movie this afternoon?"
"Sure! That would be fun."
"So, yes? SHMOOOWANGKAKASHHH And you're not going to renege on me or ditch me?"
"Of course not! I promise, we'll go see a movie!"
"Ok, cool. Thekdsniwllbeready at 1:30."
"What was that?"
"Thekdsniwllbeready at 1:30."
"Did you just say 'The kids and I will be ready?' You mean it won't just be us?"
"Yup! You promised!" *Click*
"Fuck."
When I go to the movies, I like to be the person who looks down on the people with the loud children. I didn't want to be those people! So I grumbled on the way to the movie theater. And I rolled my eyes and sighed at all of the parents trying to wrangle their little shithead kids into the theater. And I complained at the fact that the theater's seats didn't have cupholders and the armrests were fixed in position. And I gave the evil eye to the little fuckwits who sat behind me and insisted on mindlessly chattering throughout the movie. And I mentally kicked the twat (who insisted on making us get up so she could squeeze by rather than going the easier route on the other side) square in the face.
Throughout the entire process of buying tickets and standing in line at the concession stand and trying to convince Emma that the movie theater was not too scary to enter, I was sending out negative mental vibes. To every parent there I was thinking, "Fuck you, I don't like your kids and don't want them near me. I will drop-kick them so quickly if they so much as look at me wrong." And I realized that these vibes seemed to be working! Parents were shying away from me, grabbing their kids by the hand, looking at me angrily, and some of them even covered their kids' eyes (so as to keep them from looking at me wrong, I was guessing).
I was pretty proud of this newfound psychic power! I could make people turn away and leave me alone just by thinking really mean thoughts. After the movie was over, I tried it again. While waiting for Britt and her kids to use the bathroom, I stood by the bathroom door and looked each kid in the eye meaningfully, thinking mean thoughts and thinking about transmitting those thoughts to the kids and their parents. And sure enough, it worked! The parents would grab their kid and give me a wide berth and they would glare at me as they did so.
When we got back to Britt's house, I had to tell Britt. "I think I'm psychic now!" I explained in detail what happened.
"Yeah?" she said, "Is that what you think?"
"Well, of course. What else could it have been?"
"Maybe it was just the fact that you were a big scary guy going to a kid's movie, and . . ." she took a sip of her soda.
"And what?"
"Well, and your fly was unzipped the whole time."
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That is hilarious. I can't believe Britt didn't tell you.
Comments by Amanda
but was avitable junior hanging out? if Avi Jr wasn't out, it was def. psychic powers!
Comments by bluepaintred
That's pretty freaking hilarious. I'm surprised nobody called the cops. You were going commando, weren't you?
Comments by Jay
Thank You for the first laugh I've had all week!
Comments by Mary
All through the post I was thinking "Cool! You've gotta teach me the secrets of this wonderful power! I hate kids! I envy your abilities! I bow respectfully in your general direction!"
Leaving your fly open?
Genius!
Pretending it was an accident?
Genius!
Though, I've gotta say... if I happened to see you somewhere with your fly open, surrounded by children of varying ages, I'd be the one taking out the camera and conveniently snapping a few blackmail pictures.
Hey, it's gotta be worth SOMETHING.
Comments by Janna
That's incredible. Fantastic.
Comments by Karl
Ha! You dirty old suckered man!
Comments by Captain Steve
Who knew the power of the fly could be more powerful than the power of flight?
Comments by golfwidow
If it turns out to psychic powers I want them too. Oh hell, I'll just unzip next time as well and see how well that works for me.
Comments by Chris
You know, if you had taken Maggie with you she would have crotch punched you and then you would have totally noticed that your fly was hanging wide.
Comments by AmyD
Mr. Winkie says, "Hello!"
Comments by Poppy
apparently you're hung!
Comments by Bethie
You are exactly the kind of person who says they don't want kids and then winds up having one in later life. I'll be stopping by in seven years or so just to see if I am right. It would not surprise me at all to find out you had a small Avitable by the time you turn forty.
Comments by Nina
I wonder if it would work in the long grocery store cashier lines when you have that little old lady you know is going to pay her box of fibre with pennies.
Comments by Zanthera
I can't decide which is worse: the unzipped fly or the pink underwear peeking through your shorts. I guess it depends on whether or not anything was peeking through your fly, but in any case, you definitely have shorts issues.
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
I fly out to Cape Cod in the morning to meet my brand new baby grandchild (my first!). He is destined to be the first absolutely perfectly well-behaved child EVER! Of course.
BTW, they tell me he's hung like a small pony so you'd be no threat at all.
Comments by Aunt Robin
issues. you have issues my friend. entire subscriptions even.
perhaps that is why i like you so much.
Comments by hello haha narf
Bwa ha ha ha ha. That is perfect. Go Britt!
Comments by ADW
I would think that the parents putting their hands over their kids' eyes all the time when they attempted looking in your direction would've been sort of a "giveaway" of the real reason... but then... I don't know... maybe not...
Comments by DutchBitch
Comments by Miss Britt
OK that is just fucking hysterical!
And? I would still invite you on my kids' first movies. Weird, huh?
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
You probably give the evil-eye to people who bring kids on airplanes too, don't you?
Comments by Em
What movie was it you went to see? Kung-Fu Panda?
Comments by delmer
well... at least you weren't hanging out
Comments by Anonymous City Girl
One more reason to love Britt!
You could still try to telepathically keep kids away. Betcha it works at the office today.
Comments by Nat
So your "evil eye" was really two feet lower than you thought?
Comments by Gwen
Ha! The Irony Gods have a fantastic sense of humor. Love it. And, find it telling that the parents were more annoyed than um, awed or scared by the open fly.
Comments by manager mom
I think that the evil eye mojo was working. They probably saw their parents reading Friday's post, and they were having flashbacks. Elementary aged kids usually don't hesitate to tell you to XYZ (examine your zipper) or close the barn door before the horse gets out. If they were scared to tell you they would have announced your situation loudly to their mothers.
Comments by Been there Done that
Too bad you couldn't use your mighty swammi psychich powers to pick out the winning horse at the Belmont Stakes.
Comments by NYCWD
If only I had thought of that at the kid's party this weekend.
Comments by Robin
Read the George Noory book 'Worker in the light' and he talks about how negative vibes *do* work, but there's a horrendous psychic backlash.
Evidently it unzips your fly.
Comments by whall
AWESOME, all I can say......
Comments by misi
Was that your way of inviting them to the "playground"?
Comments by metalmom
I don't know what to say. You went to a kids' movie....you were obviously NICE to Britt's kids....and yet you were scowling at everyone else. Very strange.
How was the movie?
J.
Comments by Hoosier Girl
Well... it could have been worse. I don't know how, but I'm sure it could have been.
Comments by Finn
Amanda, I don't think she noticed until I was standing there, back at her house.
BPR, luckily, the manties restrained the power of the penis from showing through.
Jay, not this time, thank God.
Mary, well, it's only Monday.
Janna, you could also just sell them to the tabloids. Since I'm a celebrity on the Internets.
Karl, flaccid, actually.
Captain Steve, I should just stick to stalking 16-year old girls.
Golfwidow, the penis mightier than the sword.
Chris, yeah, give that a try.
AmyD, she also wouldn't want to go to a PG movie. She'd be dragging us to the porno theater.
Poppy, at least he didn't say, "I'm coming!"
Bethie, poorly.
Nina, so you're saying you want to have my babies?
Zanthera, no, she'd probably try to fuck me where I stood.
Girl, Dislocated, at least I had normal-colored manties on this time.
Aunt Robin, I'm hung like a "My Little Pony" doll.
Hello, I'm issueless.
ADW, go Britt? No sympathy for poor little me?
DB, I didn't think to check my cock, though.
Britt, fucker.
Heather, that is weird. Clearly, you're clinically insane.
Em, hell yes. Kids shouldn't fly.
Delmer, it was indeed. And it was a good movie, too.
ACG, this time!
Nat, we're a kids-free zone at the office, so I know it will work!
Gwen, apparently!
Manager Mom, well they didn't get to see the beast unleashed in all of his tiny flaccid fury.
BTDT, well, they were telling their parents - that's probably why I was getting the glares.
NYCWD, I could just use my crotch as a divining rod.
Robin, then you'd have kids getting lost in your vagina.
Whall, evidently! There should be warnings about that.
Misi, that is what people usually call my penis, yes.
Metalmom, I only have one monkey bar.
HG, what's weird to you? And Jack Black's in it, so I would have gone to see it at some point anyway. I hate kids, though. Except Britt's. They're cool.
Finn, I could have been erect.
Comments by Avitable
I think that was an insult to my hot pocket.
Comments by Robin
How do you really feel about kids?
Actually, I kinda feel the same way about 'em. WC Fields said it best, many times, on the topic of children:
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
"Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again."
"I like children - fried." <- my favorite
"I never met a kid I liked."
Comments by B.E. Earl
Only you would take pleasure in frightening small children. Nice going, Britt.
Comments by Dragon
So funny I had to read it to my mom! She is still laughing, lol!
Comments by Angel
You didn't say whether Britt's kids were good, or afraid of you.
I want psychic powers, but I am not going to leave my fly down in order to have them.
Comments by Shelli
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Robin, not at all!
BE Earl, those are some classic quotes.
Dragon, I don't take pleasure in it - I just dislike them!
Angel, so your mom wants me, does she?
Shelli, they were very good, and they're not afraid of me. I like them.
Tracy, :D
Comments by Avitable
I just sat and read all the comments and your responses so now all my questions are answered about what movie and some other things I wondered.
I think it is awesome you went with her and the kids, even if you did end up not being as good at being psychic as you thought you were.
Comments by radioactivegirltori
HHH looks at me like I have lost my ever lovin' MIND if I ask him to go to the movies with the kids and myself.
Afternoon at the movies- $40
Popcorn and such- $40
Thinking you're psychic, but really your fly is down- PRICELESS!!!
Comments by Blondefabulous
Hi. Larious. I no longer have a bad case of the Mondays. Thanks : )
Comments by Cat
You always draw it dragging the ground so what does it matter that your fly was open
Comments by Turnbaby
Hahahahaha!
Jackass!!
I love it.
Comments by sybil law
Isn't it always open? I know how you like to save time.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Oh... my... I feel much better now.
Comments by maman
OMFG.. that was classic. The only thing that would make this better is to see the whole thing on video and have it posted on YouTube for all the world to see.
Great post.
Comments by martymankins
Hot .
Comments by Stephanie
I think you would like my kids. Especially my middle son. He shares your....um....unique sense of humor.
J.
Comments by Hoosier Girl
Well I say the promise didn't count cause she threw the kids in after but I'm glad you went cause I've been laughing and gigglin my ass off for the last five min. picturing the whole thing in my head.
Maybe you do have psychic powers, they were just emanating from your other head.
Comments by Trukindog
Bwaaahahaha. I had to come back and read that again it was so funny.
Comments by lylalou
Hahahaha.....see? Kids are way smarter than you give them credit for!
Comments by BlondeBlogger
As soon as you said the parents were steering clear of you I knew your fly was open. As for using your dick as a diving rod for horse races... it might work. Just be careful of getting to close to the horses. They might think your dick is a carrot. *winces*
Comments by Winter
Well! My kids fly a ton...and are extremely well behaved on airplanes. :-) Give the little guys a chance!
Comments by Em
Oh, God, I so needed a giggle...and here it is.....in your pants.....
Thanks ever so much.
Comments by Special K
LMAO @ Britt telling you afterwards. LOL!!
I have the most well behaved children on the planet. So I can take them to the movies. We've seen Iron Man 4 times [at their request], and neither has let out a peep. Nope, not even the 2 year old. When she got tired of it she curled up on me and went to sleep. It enables to me to be person with kids rolling my eyes at the person that can't control theirs. I love it.
Friday? We're seeing The Incredible Hulk along with everyone else. If I happen to see you giving me or my children dirty looks, be prepared for a mental ass whooping.
Comments by Maria
At least you didn't get this:
LOL, that has got to be one the funniest damn things I've heard!
Comments by JT
Open fly? Whatever. I still wouldn't rule out psychic powers.
Comments by Stacey
I'm a dumbass... my first comment was rejected because I forgot to tell you who I am. haha.
Anyway, the ending was hilarious!
Comments by Sue
Radioactivegirl, I like her kids, actually.
Blondefabulous, so your kids are the annoying ones at the theater?
Cat, anytime!
Turnbaby, this is true. Haven't I told you that's actual size, not drawn to scale?
Sybil, yup!
Fab, only when you're around and bent over.
Maman, did my open zipper help your wooziness?
Marty, that would have been awesome and lucky for me that it wasn't.
Steph, I know, right?
HG, why do I think that your kids would be loud in the theater?
Trukindog, you giggle? I just can't see it.
Lylalou, thanks!
BB, some of them. Most of them are blondes.
Winter, I'll stick to the dog races. At least then I can smear peanut butter on it.
Em, I'm sure your kids are the exception, though.
SpecialK, what's in my pants always makes people laugh. It's a gift and a curse.
Maria, I only gave the obnoxious ones dirty looks.
JT, I don't know - some of those kids are probably good at blowjobs.
Stacey, or a psychic penis.
Sue, and unfortunate for me!
Comments by Avitable