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Bowleris Moronicus

Best.  Bowler. Ever.

I went bowling last night with Britt, Jared, my friend James and his girlfriend, Carolina. Lucky us, we got placed in a lane next to highly-skilled bowlers who had their own balls and cool wrist braces and truck nuts on their cars and somehow moved very smoothly as they whipped the ball down the lane with precision. Because nothing is more fun than doing something you’re not very good at when you can compare yourself with experts.

As we bowled, though, I realized that each of us is probably the archetype for five different types of amateur bowler:

1. The Fred Flintstone. With the exception of the twinkletoes, Jared’s style is quite similar to that of our favorite cartoon caveman. He approaches the lane with gusto and launches the ball in the air, almost flying down the lane in pursuit, just from the momentum alone. The ball lands halfway down the lane with a sickening crunch and then plows into the pins with a force sufficient to break them in half. If he’s lucky, it’s a strike, because the delicate touch required to complete a spare isn’t quite there. This is brute instrument bowling at its finest.

2. The Wii Bowler. This is all me. I have bowled so much in Wii Bowling that it’s the only way I know how to bowl. I line my feet up, stand straight up with my ball up against my chest, and try to angle the ball so that it will go in a straight line down the lane. When it works, it works well, but a 15 lb bowling ball is much heavier than the Wii remote! Most of the time, I slip and the ball goes directly into the gutter or, if I’m lucky, stays straight and knocks out the 7 or 10 pin.

3. The Whirling Dervish. Carolina picks up her ball and charges towards the lane. The ball is whipped towards the pins at an unbelievable speed and either flies off into the gutter or charges right into the center pin and knocks down a majority of them. If a good bowler is like a sharpshooter, this is like taking an Uzi and just closing your eyes and riddling the entire area with bullets. You never know if you’ll hit someone, but you’ve got a good chance of it.

4. The Girl. Not to be a sexist chauvinistic bastard or anything, but Britt bowls like a girl. The ball glides down the lane instead of rolling like it’s supposed to. Since it’s only a 6 lb ball, the slow speed and the light weight form a totally non-lethal combination to the pins. In fact, it feels like the pins that do fall over do so out of pity rather than out of actual physics.

5. The WTF? My friend James walks stiffly up to the lane, ball at his side, and then, rather than cupping the ball and rolling it like a normal person, draws back his hand and releases the ball overhand, usually putting a weird spin on it. There’s usually some good speed and occasionally some decent control, but usually you’re just trying to figure out how the fuck the ball is going straight at all and how that approach is something that feels normal to him.

We played two full games, and I won one, Jared won the other, and neither of us broke 150, which is pretty sad. Next Thursday is the day that the Orlando Home for Special Children will be bowling there, so I think I’ll go rent a lane next to the retarded kids and give my self esteem a much-needed boost.

On a completely unrelated note, thanks for the input yesterday. I’m trying to get an idea of about how many people might be coming from out of town so that I can talk to a hotel about getting a group discount. All bloggers who read my blog are invited to attend, except for Donna, who’s a stupid troll, and Annie, who has the personality of a pile of dog shit. Also, I will be announcing the theme for the party next week sometime so that anyone who wants to do a costume in the theme can. I’ll also be announcing a special contest that might mean that a lucky blogger who doesn’t think they can afford to attend might be able to, after all. So stay tuned!

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64 Replies to “Bowleris Moronicus”

  1. hello haha narf

    as you know i joined a bowling league. i would be the drunken gutter slut that hurt her wrist and now is forced to walk to the foul line, squat a bit, hold the ball with both hands, bring it back between my legs and hurl it forward as though i were 6.
    high game? 112.
    told ya, embarrassing.
    but i get all the cute guys to spank my ass before i throw the ball so i really don’t care that i am terrible at the game. at least i have fun!

    there is one guy in the league who does the fred flintstone and it cracks me up EVERY fucking time i watch him. another guy screams “fuuuuuuck!” after ever damn ball he throws, even the strikes. one game i walked up to him and hollered fuck back in his face. (he has quieted down a bit. what a douchebag.)

  2. whall

    I miss bowling. I used to carry a 230 avg in 4 leagues. We traded bowling in for playing pool and it’s hard looking back, cuz I’m the only one who misses it.

    I went bowling w/my 6yr old last night and my arm is still trying to recover. I ain’t got the muscles anymore for what I used to be able to do.

    Much wistful nostalgic sadness.

    With arm cramps.

  3. Stephanie

    I bowled in a Junior League when I was 8 or 9. I got an “I Beat My Coach” patch (he must have been drunk) and a Triplicate patch, for rolling the same score 3 games in a row. My score? Eleven.

    I shit you not.
    Back off, I was a kid. :finger:

  4. Jay

    I’m probably closest to The Whirling Dervish. But, I get much better the more I drink. Until a certain point and then things go very, very wrong.

    I guess I will now have to subscribe to comments so I don’t miss out on the trolls. I hate it when I miss out.

  5. BlondeBlogger

    When my husband and I went bowling with another couple several years ago, there was a girl in the lane next to us that was all prancing and showing off.

    So when it was my turn to go, I walked up and did an exaggerated imitation of her. Shaking my ass back and forth and strutting up to the lane.

    And I did what everyone dreads doing…at least what I dreaded doing. I swished my ass to one side, swung the ball back on the other side, and then it went right out of my hands into hubz and our friends.

    I am so cool in case you didn’t know that.

  6. Dan

    The only time I’ve ever bowled well was when my ten friends and I agreed that whoever won would get a pint of beer bought for them by the losers.

    To this day they still think I was hustling them, but it was pure luck.

  7. Penelope

    Your description of Britt and the pins falling down out of pity just made me snort! Too funny!
    I have no clue what style of bowler I am – I’m a bit of a chuck-it-and-see-and-hope-I-don’t-break-a-nail kind, but you didn’t have that listed.

  8. Turnbaby

    I bowled in a league a few years ago and loved it. I went from bowling an 83 in my first game to holding an average of 157 or so. Pretty good considering that my right shoulder is messed up and won’t allow me to bring the ball all the way back.

    And yes I have my own ball, monogrammed and shoes etc.

    Yes I know….I’m a dork. :batting:


    I think the block of rooms is a great idea. I’m anxious to see the ‘theme’

  9. ADW

    I am probably a Girl. Probably. The scientists studying me are still not conclusive that a lack of penis and testes automatically makes me a girl. So until they complete the full DNA scan with associated testosterone level testing, I could be a boy.

    But for now, I am still a girl, foul trucker mouth and all, and I bowl like a girl too.

  10. NYCWD

    You mean people actually bowl at bowling alleys?

    I thought they were for sharing shoes, drinking tequila, playing video games, and playing pool with strange men.

    I feel so much more edumicated now.

  11. Em

    I really like bowling. Every once in awhile I actually don’t suck at it.

    And, yea, your halloween party sounds like it’ll be really fun. That’s awfully brave of you to invite “all bloggers who read my blog”… to a party at which people will be in costume no less…

  12. golfwidow

    All bowlers have superior skills to mine, which consist of standing up when called upon, launching a ball, then sitting back down and drinking beer till they tell me to stand up again.

    Oddly, I have bested other bowlers via this technique.

  13. Avitable

    Amanda, they have ones that are only 4 lbs, you know.

    Hilly, that sounds dangerous.

    Hello, you granny bowl?

    Wayne, when I used to bowl in high school, I always averaged over 200, but it’s been way too long. My pool skills are rusty, too.

    Poppy, yes, I did! I couldn’t have that Jabba the Hutt shut-in or her freako fucknut friend thinking that they were actually invited to my house, could I? It’s like vampires – once you invite them in, you’re fucked.

    BE Earl, usually, you’d think you’d see some improvement.

    Shelli with an I, well, Britt sucks, too, and we all had fun.

    Jen, you do know that golf is the one where the lowest score wins, right?

    Honeybell, that’s awesome!

    Y2K, they don’t want you to be jealous of the size of their balls.

    Stephanie, 11? Wow. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to bowl next to someone like you next week.

    Jay, have you tried Wii bowling?

    BPR, yeah, the first time I played Wii Sports, I played it for so long that I could barely move the next day.

    Tori, that sounds like a reasonable alternative to my party.

    Willie G, everyone is invited.

    AmyD, and when was this? In your twenties? Pshaw.

    BB, that’s the worst type of bowler ever – the suicide bomber!

    Dan, is bowling in the UK the same as in the US?

    Janna, if you miss it, why don’t you go bowling?

    Kay, do you go with them more than once?

    Penelope, that’s closer to the “girl” bowler.

    Turnbaby, monogrammed ball, eh? Hahahahaha!

    Greeneyezz, what type of bowler are you?

    Tall Man Molly, I’d probably kill myself.

    Metalmom, oh, c’mon. You’ve got a set of brass ones.

    Bubblewench, it lubricates the joints.

    ADW, you are indeed a boy at heart.

    NYCWD, I know, me too! Who’da thunk?

    Britt, but you’re the male version of me!

    Em, I should probably make nametags so people can say who they are if they want, eh?

    Beth, do you also say “Who wants cake?” and then break out the EZ Bake Oven?

    TrishK, it is close, but luckily not quite.

    Golfwidow, I’m not surprised. That seems like a streamlined method.

    Finn, how good are you?

    Robin, your center of gravity is too high.

    Cheri, I live in Altamonte Springs, and the party will be November 1st.

    Winter, I didn’t even talk about the orgy afterwards.

  14. Greeneyezz

    What kind of bowler am *I*???


    Well, I know I don’t bowl like a Girl (I grew up with brothers), and I’ve never used a Wii before, so those two are out.
    Probably somewhere between a Fred Flinstone and a Whirling Dervish, kinda sorta like a Whirling Flinstone…
    …with attitude.



  15. Angel

    I decided to take our three kids bowling while I was preggers with the youngest, and I was all worried about crazy heavy balls launched by my kids…but I was the one who dropped the ball when I was all the way back on my swing, launching it back at everyone in the pit.


    Pregnant chicks get anyway with ANYTHING. :angel:

  16. Sleepynita

    They make a dandy 8 pound ball for wussies ya know. :thumbsup:

    I am such a dork, but I was a 5 pin provincial bowling champion in High School. I rock the Wii 10 pin though – tons of fun.

    Guess how much I got laid back then? Ha!

  17. sybil law

    I hate bowling. I generally don’t like things I am not naturally good at, and I tend to be good at most physical things.
    Years ago, I went bowling with some friends who were in a league. I sucked sooo bad, so finally the guy (who was a great bowler) said, “Sybil, just THROW the ball”, and I was like, “WHAT?!”, and he said, “Just throw it. Up and out!”, so I did. And I got 3 strikes in a row, which is apparently called a turkey.
    Still – I HATE bowling.
    Donna is a dumb whore, too. Ann is just a bitch.

  18. Shelley

    Dude, you’re hilarious. Not about the bowling because who gives a fuck about a lame-ass non-sport anyway? But you really think that Donna and Annie read your blog? Seriously? You think they really give a shit? Relax, I don’t read their blogs any more than yours but I love reading all this manufactured drama. Damn but don’t all the nuts roll down to Florida?

  19. Judy C

    Hi – I am a new reader – loving your writing. I took bowling as an undergrad (for a grade – I was an idiot) and knew I was in trouble the first day when people started walking into “class” with their own monogrammed bags and balls. I’m pretty sure I paid someone to bowl my final.

  20. Karen Sugarpants

    Fuck I wrote this on the wrong post, didn’t I. Oh well, you’ll still get it.
    p.s. As for D&A – I like them both and I like this crowd too. I could care less — it’s none of my business how you all feel about each other.

  21. sybil law

    Um, obviously I am some sort of retard, but I thought when you said Ann and Donna weren’t allowed to come, that you were just being silly! So, being silly, I called them names!
    Seriously – I didn’t realize you were being serious!
    Haha I love laughing at my own stupidity.
    But for real – I don’t care if they can come or not, but I don’t technically know who the hell you’re talking about!
    I just had to clear that up.

  22. Avitable

    Radioactivegirl, that tells me everything, unless your kid is a professional bowler!

    Greeneyezz, Britt grew up with brothers, yet she totally bowls like a girl.

    Gwen, I know!

    Angel, did you kill anyone?

    HG, but did he beat you?

    Nita, they also make a 4 and 6 pound ball!

    Sybil, you got a turkey? Damn.

    Crystal, they are, aren’t they?

    TrishK, you need to switch from Bloglines. Bloglines is having trouble.

    Anndi, he must have had some balls!

    Hello, I think we need video.

    Dragon, no way!

    Heather, Britt didn’t enjoy those Twittered photos!

    Maria, yeah, and then they bowl a 50.

    Shelley, yup. They read me. And they can’t admit it, which is great. Retard.

    Kapgar, did you break 100?

    Judy C, ooh, so you’re a cheater, eh?

    Karen, that would be awesome. You should just leave Darrin home and bring Jess.

    Sybil, hahahaha

    Manager Mom, how is that possible?

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