Here's what a nice guy and great boss I am.
Not only am I letting Britt take the day off so that she can go to Universal Studios with one of her best friends from Iowa, I'm also going to pick up her kids at daycare in the afternoon so that she doesn't have to try to make it back by six.
Britt has informed me that the daycare place has my name and is expecting me tomorrow afternoon, but I wouldn't put it past her to lie about it just so I get arrested for kidnapping when I try to walk out of the daycare center with her two kids.
But, on the off chance that they do let me take the kids, I'd like to try to think of something to do that will freak out the people who work there. Here are some of my ideas:
1. Wear nothing but a trenchcoat, dark glasses, and black socks and work shoes.
2. Tell every kid I see, "Why, don't you look sexy?"
3. Bring a roll of dollar bills and ask where sniffer's row is.
4. Offer Devin a beer. From a cooler that I bring in with me.
5. Start yelling out, "There is no Santa Claus! It's your parents! Dumbledore's gay!"
6. Ask Emma, "Who's your favorite motherfuckin' person?"
7. Ask the daycare people if I can take a few spare kids with me just in case.
8. Dump barbecue sauce on the kids' heads and say, "Mmmm,mmm. I'm eating good tonight!"
9. Bring in a pair of Grillz for Devin to wear.
10. Pass out Avitable condoms to everyone!
Anybody have any other good ideas? Hope you all have a good Friday the Thirteenth!
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Say loudly, "Come on kids, I have free kittens in my van."
Comments by golfwidow
A girlfriend once talked me into picking up her 4 year old and dropping him off at her new downtown law office. So, I got a fake nose ring, put it on him, spiked his hair and sent him up.
It saved breaking up with her.
Comments by GeorgeH
Would you mind picking my kids up next?
Comments by Mary
oh, i love when you want my opinion!
possibly:
1. Wear nothing but a trenchcoat, dark glasses, and black socks and work shoes.
however i prefer:
7. Ask the daycare people if I can take a few spare kids with me just in case.
8. Dump barbecue sauce on the kids' heads and say, "Mmmm,mmm. I'm eating good tonight!"
9. Bring in a pair of Grillz for Devin to wear.
all three of those together should freak someone out enough for you to get a good iphone photo.
Comments by hello haha narf
When you leave, as you are walking out of the daycare you should announce, "tattoos and piercings for everyone! If you don't cry this time Devin I'll buy you that new Marilyn Manson CD!"
Comments by AmyD
Tell the staff that the kids won't be there next week as they are "vacationing" at that polygamist compound in Texas.
Ask each kid "Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"
Wear dark sunglasses which you refuse to take off even inside and just answer everything people say to you with a head nod and "cool."
Comments by Jay
#5 had me cracking up! That's the funniest thing I've read all week.
Oh. And yeah, you are THE MAN for letting Britt take the day off - that was pretty cool.
But baby-sitting children? THAT is truly impressive. And maybe a bit shocking. Is your biological clock ticking and this is your attempt to shut it off?
... Wait, do guys HAVE biological clocks?
In any case, that's awesome and I'm sure Britt won't prank you like that seeing as how you're doing her a favor. She may tell you that you're a thunder cunt in private, though.
Heh. Thunder cunt. It's my new favorite insult of the week. Is it Avitable-worthy? :)
Have fun tomorrow! I'm sure you'll think of SOMETHING... I mean, you've got weekend blogging to do and all... ;)
Comments by Amber
I vote for #5.
Or you can just wear that t-shirt you had made for you Halloween party last year (or was it the year before?)
LOVED that shirt.
Comments by Stephanie
#2 made me choke on my Coke. My soda.
You almost killed me.
Comments by Maria
Say this to the daycare folks:
"I hope the kid can drive home, because I'm WASTED!"
Then belch.
Comments by B.E. Earl
#6 was a great LOL moment for me just now...
Extras
–
A) tell them you're there to perform free clinical trials on 10th trimester abortions, and you'd appreciate it if they'd pick a couple volunteers
B) let them know you're the guy who caught pee-wee herman. And yes, you were off-duty at the time, working undercover.
C) ask them to hurry the f up because your parole officer is a real pain in the butt and besides, you're not technically allowed within 1/4 mile of a school.
Comments by whall
My concern is not what you say and how you look and how you behave at the day care, but what you will do with the precious Emma and darling Devon once you have them back at Chez Avitable. Do you have CandyLand around? Or Chutes and Ladders? If not, a soccer ball or a water table will sometimes do.
Comments by Nina
1. pretend to be deaf and just make up your own sign language. Then get visually frustrated when they don't understand.
2. Pretend to have Tourette's.
3. say loudly, "Come on Devin and Emma, we have to go to the store and pick out some rubber sheets until you stop wetting the bed".
Wow, I just realized .... I'm a dick.
yeah .... well ...... I'll get over it.
Lemme know how it goes!
Comments by Zom
You could leave your fly down like you normally do around children
Comments by Amanda
Former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders had advocated teaching masturbation in school. But who pays attention in schools? I say daycare is the answer! Show up with a jug of lubricant and explain that you're there to teach kids the safest form of sex available.
Comments by Dave2
Note to self: pee before reading Avi's blog in the future. full bladder + reading avi = a little problem.
Comments by BlondeBlogger
11) Promise to show them "Two Girls And A Cup."
12) Play game called "Let's take a fork and poke the invisible man who lives in the electrical socket."
13) Show up with a package of mini-Smoky-Links and say "Guess what we're going to do with THESE!"
14) Wear diapers. On the outside of your pants. With applesauce dripping out one of the leg holes.
Comments by Janna
I like the condoms. Oh, and I'd ask the kids if anyone's touched them in their "special places" today.
Comments by Winter
Dumbledore is gay????????
I liked #7, too. But I think Golfwidow had a great idea about offering free kittens in your van.
Or, when the kids come out of class, you could insist that they aren't Britt's kids and demand replacement children.
Comments by Cap
Damn, I was going to go with the "zipper down" idea, but Amanda beat me to it.
As an alternative, bring a boombox and try to get the kids to do the milkshake dance. That would possibly freak out the daycare workers and if you get it on video, would make an excellent vlog for tomorrow's post.
Or just go dressed as a clown and make obscene "animal balloons". That always work.
Comments by Mike
Do your best Uncle Buck impression?
Comments by Tall Man Molly
I just thought:
"What if, since they got Avi's name, the daycare workers decided to google him as a simple security measure?"
You're never getting those kids. ;-)
Comments by Mike
I will stab you in your tears.
Comments by Miss Britt
Go in fully dressed with just "MR. HAPPY" hanging out. Bonus points if Mr. Happy is wearing a party hat!
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
Comments by Hallie
Now that's a helluva fringe benefit. Be careful, you may be raising them soon. ;-)
Comments by kapgar
Ha! good ones. can get myself an Avitable condom? preferably unused...
Comments by manager mom
If you do #6, and she responds, "You are mofo!"... that would be priceless. Totally priceless.
Otherwise go for #10. Everyone likes prophylactics!
Right?
Comments by NYCWD
I vote for the following:
"Hurry up kids, the buyer's in the car and I don't want him to wait too long!"
I haven't had all my coffee. Cut me some damned slack.
By the way, you sound like God's gift to employees. So, I'm moving down there. 'Kay? Gettin' a job with you, too. 'Kay? Cool.
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
I totally didn't know what sniffers row was.
And really the choice is simply two words. "Assless Chaps"
Comments by Dickie Maxx
Since I would like to see if Britt will really stab you I think you should go with asking Emma "who is you favorite motherfuckin' person" as you walk down the hall with Devin and his new Grillz.
NOW that's a SCENE right there!!!
Make sure you do that hip swag thang too.
Comments by Lisa
aww...that's so sweet. What a nice boss.
Comments by Em
#9 would be freaking hilarious.
Also you could:
10. Start reciting the lines to the poem:
"Hickory Dickory Dock,
this bitch was sucking my cock....."
I don't remember the rest of the words, but I know you have that book somewhere in your office.
Comments by ADW
Ask loudly "You didn't tell anyone our SECRET did you? Cuz I will totally kill your puppy if you did!"
"Get in the car.We're going to that man's house again and this time DON'T CRY WHEN HE TOUCHES YOU! He'll give you money."
Comments by metalmom
Your a sick, sick man...
How about just keeping it simple...
Loose fitting pants, a big ole flag pole, towel rack, morning wood kinda hard on and a shit eating grin, all the while muttering "Emma, Emma.... and... Devin too... yeah Devin too..."
Comments by Willie G
oh this made me laff
Comments by Crys
oh, as for the suggestion, wear a t-shirt that says You Won't Catch THIS Predator
Comments by Crys
The trench coat one is my personal favorite because you don't have to say a word, just act like everything's perfectly normal.
Did Britt give you the password? Because you probably need a password. And dont' forget to slip your ID in the pocket of the coat.
Comments by Finn
I need a friend like you. Or a boss like you would be even better.
Comments by radioactivegirltori
After getting them almost out the door, turn and in your most serious voice
"Them's good eatin', right?"
It'll go well with your BBQ sauce idea.
Comments by Blondefabulous
This is the funniest post - including the comments - and you have got to be the coolest boss ever.
Comments by student teacher (mcat)
How about asking the daycare worker if you can teach a mini-class concerning the difference between Good Touch & Bad Touch?
Comments by Stephanie
You could always ask other parents (a la The Blues Brothers), "How much for the little girl?" "Sell me your children!"
Comments by maman
Mention that your favorite book is Lolita :D
Comments by Robin
Your next post is going to be from jail, isn't it?
Comments by Dragon
Golfwidow, kids love a little pussy.
GeorgeH, that's genius!
Mary, do they mind seeing an older man's nuts?
Hello, so it's all about the resulting blog fodder, eh?
AmyD, ooh, good thinking.
Jay, I could ask if they've ever been in a Turkish prison.
Amber, thunder cunt, eh?
Stephanie, oh, that T-shirt would be perfect!
Maria, sadly, this wouldn't be the first blog-related death with which I was involved.
BE Earl, oh, that's a brilliant one.
Whall, I like C. That's a good thought.
Nina, well, I'll be taking them back to Britt's house, but we have toys and games here, too. I'm a big kid, remember?
Zom, the Tourette's one would be good.
Amanda, sigh. Yeah, you're right.
Dave, so you think I have a jug of lube laying around, don't you?
BB, as long as I don't make you drop a deuce.
Janna, oh, that applesauce one is brilliant!
Winter, the condoms can go on their special places.
Cap, you didn't know that about Dumbledore?
Mike, you're right - if they Google me, I'm fucked.
Tall Man Molly, he's nice to the little kids, though.
Britt, then Emma will call you a motherfucker.
Hallie, but then he'll drag on the floor and get all dirty!
Kapgar, I know - it won't be long now.
Manager Mom, sure - email me your address.
NYCWD, I think I could definitely get her to say that. She's pretty impressionable right now.
Heather, okay, but we have a clothing optional office down here.
Dickie Maxx, and now you know. And that's half the battle.
Lisa, she'd totally stab me. No doubt.
Em, I'm awesome!
ADW, I love Andrew Dice Clay.
Metalmom, or I could say that to the daycare workers. "She didn't tell you our secret, did she? I'd hate to have to kill her puppy."
Willie G, hahahah - who's the sick, sick man?
Crystal, that's a genius T-shirt idea!
Finn, now you've got me worried that there's a password. She didn't tell me about a password.
Radioactivegirl, and I'm both!
Blondefabulous, that would be a good complement to the BBQ idea.
Student Teacher, well, she does her job well, so I don't mind.
Stephanie, hahahah - good idea!
Maman, what's a good offer? Fifty cents?
Robin, or The Berenstain Bears Go to a Nudist Camp.
Dragon, very likely.
Comments by Avitable
Ha, good stuff. Just say, "Come on kids, we'll take fun pictures at bath time again. I'll give you Webkinz!"
Comments by Karl
Drool. Don't forget to drool.
Comments by Poppy
Karl, oh, I'll do that anyway.
Poppy, brilliant!
Comments by Avitable
I really can't choose just one. And everyone's come up with sooo many good ideas. I think you'll sufficiently freak them the hell out!
Comments by sybil law
Goddamn... you have fuck loads of people that visit your site.... I'm getting carpal tunnel from scrolling through the comments.
I'm going with #3 and #5. Nothing says "Here I am" like crushing little kids dreams and hopes while jonesing for some blow.
But if you would like another option, walk in asking where the kids are, which blurting out FUCK... FUCK... every 5th word and blame it on turrets.
Comments by martymankins
Bring a bear skin rug and some video equipment. Set the rug down, jump on it naked and then announce "nap time" - come to Daddy...
Comments by Foo
I walked in once with my fly undone and spoke with two of the seated and eyes-at-crotch-level female staff for 5-minutes before realizing the breeze I felt must have meant something.
When I asked why they hadn't told me I was unzipped they said they didn't want to embarrass me.
I'm not sure how this relates to your post ... I just wanted to share.
Comments by delmer
Say you gotta go wee-wee and take the kids to the bathroom with you to help you undo your pants...
Comments by DutchBitch
You are sooo the best boss ever. Lucky Britt.
Anyhoo, how about pouring some whiskey on that trench coat, have the empty bottle hanging out of your pocket and handing the keys over to Devin as you walk out?
Comments by Linda~
Use crazy colors on your make up and put waaaayyyy too much on. Go to a truck stop and get some of those teeth that make u look inbread. Make sure ur hair is just a mess. Stutter or say everything twice. Keep saying "Huh, huh, what?"
Comments by M54
I've always said you were a nice guy. Admittedly, I said it to annoy you, but that doesn't make it any less true.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
1. Show up with alcohol on your breath. They'll stall you til the police show up. Seriously.
2. Tell one of the kids you'd like to put him in a wood chipper. (A parent did this and we were not amused.)
3. Tell one of the little girls you admire her hooker boots. (Same crazy parent.)
4. Ask one of the little girls to spank you cause usually you have to pay extra for that. (He was a strange, strange man.)
5. Tell one of the kids he/she was a mistake.
Comments by Stacey
I laughed so hard I cried off all my eyeliner. I think you should've done what Dick Button did a few Olympics ago while watching some Italian girl skate: he kept murmuring "Pretty girl". It made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I still can't listen to him without thinking of that.
Comments by MyWeeWorld
My only question is why in the hell isn't your web site updating in my feeder. I thought you'd died... or stopped writing. Holy crap I just about fainted.
Comments by Fogspinner
Stare at every kid through a pair of binoculars until you find the right ones (like - from 2 feet away)
Comments by Fantasy Writer Guy
Sybil, there were a lot of good choices, that's true.
Marty, Tourette's is always fun!
Foo, hahahah - brilliant and devious!
Delmer, I know exactly how you feel.
DB, and to hold the monster.
Linda~, I was going to have him drive anyways.
M54, makeup? You do know that I'm a man, right?
Tracy, fucker.
Stacey, I tell them they're both mistakes all the time. It's fun for the whole family!
MyWeeWorld, I did not see that, but that's creepy!
Fogspinner, if you're using Bloglines, it's because Bloglines is fucking up.
FWG, hahahaha - that's a good one too!
Comments by Avitable
This post made me laugh out loud for the first time today. You are awesome. Clearly we are "soulmates," heh.
Comments by Gina
Gina, well, obviously!
Comments by Avitable