Dear Happy Madison Productions,
This will be the hardest letter I've ever written. I have wrestled with this for a long time, but recent events have finally given me the strength to move on with my life. I may have loved you at some point, or maybe I just let my love of "Happy Gilmore" and "Billy Madison" blind me to who you really were, but I just know that I don't love you anymore. Our relationship is over.
I know the first thing you'll be thinking is that it's because of your friends. And that's true to a small degree. I mean, I do like David Spade and Chris Rock, most of the time. But it's your insistence on bringing Rob Schneider everywhere with you that really soured me. I mean, just because I loved you, I was willing to suffer through "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo". I even tried to watch "The Animal" and "The Hot Chick", although I'll admit that I couldn't even gather up the strength to sit through "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo". In the earlier stages of our relationship, it was cute when Rob would pop up and make a short, funny joke - I'll admit that I laughed. But I grew up, and he hasn't. And by continuing to thrust him into the spotlight, you've shown that you haven't either.
Rob's just one small part of our issues, though. The main reason is you. You started out full of promise and hopes and dreams and you've just slowly gotten lazy and sloppy and the way you've let yourself go is getting to me. I don't even want to be seen with you! Sure, "Little Nicky" had some shortfalls, but it was a good effort, and I still loved it even though it wasn't perfect. And when you followed that up with "Joe Dirt", which I loved, I was impressed and believed in your dreams. "Mr. Deeds" was solid, but mediocre. I still supported you, though - remember when I told everyone I loved it and couldn't wait until your next one? But then that bit me in the ass. I mean, "Anger Management"? How did you manage to fuck up anything with Jack Nicholson in it?
It was at that point that I thought I might be falling out of love with you. I was considering taking a break - you could go do some serious films and I would check out what Woody Allen was doing, but then you semi-redeemed yourself by being romantic (like you used to be with "The Wedding Singer"), and "50 First Dates" was enough of a reason to erase my doubts. For a little while, though.
Since then, though, it's just been a downward spiral. I'll admit that I'm somewhat at fault, here. I listened to my head instead of my heart and lied to you when I said that I liked "The Benchwarmers", "Click", and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry." But I didn't. I didn't even watch them!
The last straw, however, was today's embarrassment. I walked in on "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" and saw you with *sob* a horrible premise! And bad acting! And not a single joke for two whole hours! And I sat there and didn't laugh and wanted to cry and realized that I couldn't even tap into my deepest emotions to wring out one drop of love for you anymore.
I'm sorry to do this by letter, but last time I talked to you on the phone you roped me into a thirty-minute conversation about whether or not shampoo or conditioner was better. I just can't play these games with you anymore. We're through.
Love,
Me
P.S. There's someone new in my life - Apatow Productions - so please be happy for me.
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Apparently the random comments continue!
Comments by Poppy
I've been to scared to see Zohan for these reasons... And now I won't. The last one I really liked was 50 first dates, although Click was okay.
I'm with you about Apatow. At least his people he drags around from movie to movie have talent (Rogan, Hill, Rudd, etc)
Comments by Amanda
The mere thought of seeing Rob Schneider in a movie gives me a yeast infection.
Comments by Shamelessly Sassy
If you love them... let them go.
If them come back... make sure they bring some Pineapple Express before letting them back in.
Comments by NYCWD
Never saw Zohan, and it looked terrible, but it WAS co-written by Apatow, so he's partially to blame as well.
But you're right, the quality between Happy Madison and Apatow Productions is miles apart.
Ironically, Happy Madison and Apatow Productions are joining forces and co-producing Apatow's next directing movie, Funny People, starring Rogen, Sandler, Jonah Hill, and Eric Bana, in 2009.
Comments by jared
Dude, if that tone is how you broke up with your ex-girlfriends, then I feel sorry for them.
Harsh... seriously, harsh!
Even though it was truthful to the point of pain. I, too, have been blinded by Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison... and The Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates.
I had no idea he was cheating on you with me. I'm so sorry - but I guess it's null and void now. He's getting dumped by more than one person, now!
Comments by Amber
Yeah, I haven't liked much Sandler was in since "The Wedding Singer." And half of his stuff I haven't seen. I kinda liked "Anger Management," though it was definitely strained in places. Course, that may just be me liking Nicholson in most everything.
But I'm with you. I won't be seeing Zohan, and I love the Apatow movies.
Comments by Karl
Signing my name.
And, Sassy - get that cleared up. It's Business Time for us. I don't want to walk away smelling of fresh bread - tho that is better than sardines.
Comments by A Whole Lot of Nothing
Spanglish.
Enough said.
Comments by Dave2
well I watched Chuck and Larry and thougt it was no worse than some of his others. Click I never could get interested in, worst movie of all time was Punch Drunk Love.
BUT Come on Adam don't break his heart like that! Not the guy who gave you Henry Winkler covered in bees, or took the in-bred little brother of Opie Taylor and called him "Nipples." That alone is worth a second shot. If I can forgive my 6 year old son walking around the house saying "Popeye's chicken is fucking awesome" you can forgive the Zohan. Just this once??
Comments by Y2K Survivor
I've never really liked Adam Sandler, going back to his Remote Control days. Or whatever that MTV game show was called.
Talking in a stupid voice can be funny. Just not all the time, dude!
Comments by B.E. Earl
Sometimes you just have to be true to yourself and walk away from a bad relationship. I know how hard this was for you. But, if you can stay away, your life will be better for it.
Comments by Jay
also, i don't think it's a coincidence that Punch Drunk Love, by far my favorite and best reviewed Sandler movie, was one of his only movies that wasn't a Happy Madison production.
Comments by jared
I hated Anger Management. I hated Little Nicky. Nothing they've done surpasses Happy Gilmore.
Comments by Winter
It saddens me that Sandler has become a steaming pile of useless man meat. It also saddens me that I may have to cut you over Apatow...stay away from my man, bitch!
Comments by Hilly
I was totally disappointed with "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" it got super preachy and seriously, they weren't going to change any minds because those types of minds wouldn't be in the theater. Know what I mean?
I did love 50 First Dates.
Comments by AmyD
Brilliantly funny shite baby! *mwah*
Comments by AnnieB
Yeah... the VOICES! I can't watch Adam Sandler movies anymore. I have never laughed as hard as I did in Happy Gilmore when he was in the batting cage and the kid got nailed... but there's only so much goodwill you can coast on.
Apatow better be careful, because if he jumps the shark I'll find him and kick his ass...
Comments by Manager Mom
Cool. One less movie to add to my list. Thanks!
Comments by bubblewench
Dude, you're not supposed to mess with the Zohan.
Comments by Mike
Um HELLO?!?! Apatow contributed to the disaster fuck that was Zohan!?!
Comments by Miss Britt
I really hate those kinds of movies and refuse to see them. There's one though that looks like it will be 'that kind of stupid movie' called Dan In Real Life that turned out to be clever and funny. I laughed out loud many times. If you haven't seen it, it's a good rental.
Comments by Karen Sugarpants
They say that love is blind. I tend to agree with them since Apatow does mingle with Happy Madison. You are distraught over a few disasters. What if your new found love developes those as well? I think you are just being fickle.
Comments by Mindy
I could have told you they would disappoint you, but then again they always disappointed me. Were they The Waterboy? Once I saw previews for Little Nicky I knew that Billy Madison was just luck.
Comments by Robin
Le, sigh. I miss freaks and geeks.
Comments by LylaLou
Ok, I must be a complete comedy retard, because I laughed my ass off a Zohan. Parts of it seemed strained, sure, but the funny was there. God knows lately I don't need a movie I have to apply a college degree to to understand it. I just want to laugh.
Hmmm... must be just me....
Comments by Blondefabulous
I LOVED Anger Management but I think that was the last movie I liked. Hated Spanglish, Click started out good but ended in a sobfest and that was the last time I suffered through an Adam Sandler movie. He's got a long way to go to redeem himself.
Comments by Lady Jaye
aw, really? Mike told me he'd heard a good review on it. frankly, i couldn't believe it, but that's because i fell out of love with that parade of horribles YEARS ago!
Comments by Crys
Quitter.
Comments by Gwen
know what also is getting roundly panned? The Happening. which is a bummer. i wanted Shamalamadingdong to redeem himself, what with The Sixth Sense being one of my favorite movies evarr. but no. sucks as bad as Lady in the Water sucked.
you probably don't like the paranormal stuff, though?
Comments by Crys
One of the best sites out there to look at movie reviews is Rotten Tomatoes. It's at Rottentomatoes dot com. They gather all of the movie reviews in the country in one page and average all of the reviews to come us with a "Fresh" or "Rotten" percentage rating. The higher the percentage the better the movie. Anything below 60% gets a "rotten" rating.
It's cool because they use ALL of the reviews so you can see the average rating.
Comments by Karl
I don't know why the URL didn't show up there. It's at rottentomatoes.com
Comments by Karl
I hate when you fall in love with someone and they just stop trying to impress you.
Comments by Finn
I am glad I am not the only one that noticed that Rob Schieder has no talent and is fucking annoying!
I will probably still see Zohan, just not gonna pay for it.
Comments by themuttprincess
I used to get a flutter when I saw an Adam Sandler movie trailer playing at the theater. When I saw Ironman and the Zohan trailer came on, I knew, the minute I saw him stick his foot up the guy's face that I was over him forever.
Comments by metalmom
Um, don't forget View Askew? Kevin Smith is a GOD!!!!!!
And you should have just paid homage to the genius that is M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong. Jeez. Even something as lame as "The Happening" could kick Adam Sandler's ass any day.
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Apatow Productions - Some of the best movies in the past 5 years. Knocked up is one example of that.
Comments by Bucky
It seems like, once these people have "made it", they lose all sense of funny.
I agree with virtually everything you said. Rob Schneider is disturbing to look at, too. Like Burt Reynolds.
Comments by sybil law
I saw Zohan last Friday.
Stupidest movie I've ever seen. I support you in your life choice and I hope Adam understands.
Comments by Dragon
I hear ya, but I really did like Benchwarmers.
Comments by Atomic Bombshell
Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth.
And I totally agree with your letter..although I say that with sad eyes.
Comments by ocb
They were never good enough for you, anyway.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Adam (great name) Sandler should stick to singing. I hum the tune of Lunchroom Lady when I get my lunch at school. The ladies just think that I'm a happy, happy teacher when I see that mystery meat.
Comments by Been there Done that
LOL (shampoo vs. conditioner). Shut up, Mr. Swan!
Comments by Cat
Proceed cautiously; Bossy is concerned that Apatow Productions is nothing but a Rebound relationship.
Comments by BOSSY
Geez, your writing... genius. Hilarious!
Comments by Kayce Neal
I simply must comment on this. Why are YOU not writing scripts????? And I whole heartedly agree. I lost a bet and had to go see Zohan, and I'm still so angry about the loss of time I can NEVER get back I think I might have a stroke. When did Sandler stop being funny?? I never even cracked a smile. Oh boy, blood pressure rising again...
Comments by Charissa
I agree it has definitely been hit and miss lately and getting to the point of mostly miss. I did love Click yes LOVED it. I haven't seen Zohan or the Benchwarmers. Maybe the old Happy Madison will be back. I hope so, but if not we still have Happy Gilmore.
Comments by Kay
Painful. Ever since he sobered up and the penguin left town...it hasn't been the same.
I did like the longest yard though.
Comments by CP
"Click" was enough to make me want to pluck my eyeballs out with a spork.
I just can't watch anymore of that shit... I'd rather watch whale blubber rot in the sun...
You, however? I adore... If you were older, I'd show you these:
Comments by Miss Anne Derstood
I heart me some Judd.
But Adam please. Lets give credit where credit is due. Can I get a little love for View Askew Productions? Please???
I'm not saying they top Apatow. No. I'm just saying that View Askew deserves a little bit of lovin too.
Comments by Miss
I see Dave2 mentioned Spanglish, which goes to show even James L Brooks can have a bomb here and there.
I think you hit it all on the head, although there were some of his non-comedic movies were not too bad. You listed "Click", which I liked... not loved. "Punch-Drunk Love" was odd, but watchable.
But nothing holds a candle to "Billy Madison" and "Happy Gilmore"
Comments by martymankins
"Waterboy" had some comedic moments, if I remember right.
Comments by martymankins
I've been using "Grandma's boy" as a H.M. booty call.
Comments by Zom
Poppy, apparently, Fahrvenugen chicken orange monkeybutt.
Amanda, exactly - he has a good group of people to work with.
Shamelessly Sassy, that's quite a reaction!
NYCWD, exactly!
Jared, well, the first script was co-written by him about 7 years ago. He gets a pass.
Amber, now everybody knows what a skanky whore he is!
Karl, The Wedding Singer was probably the last of his movies (except for Punch Drunk Love) that I consider a favorite.
Angie, mmm, fresh bread.
Dave, I loved Spanglish! And that wasn't Happy Madison.
Y2K, are you crazy? Punch Drunk Love was an amazing movie. Absolutely amazing.
BE Earl, I've seen Happy Gilmore over 200 times, at least. It's brilliant.
Jay, that's what I'm hoping.
Jared, it's one of my favorites, too.
Winter, I thought Little Nicky was amusing but that was about it.
Hilly, I'm bigger than you, so you'd better just give up now.
AmyD, not only did it get preachy but it was so stereotyped that it was insulting as well.
AnnieB, I am brilliantly funny.
Manager Mom, everybody will eventually jump the shark, I think.
Bubblewench, add it to your list of movies that will torture you if you watch them.
Mike, I totally just did.
Britt, only in a marginal sense.
Karen, "those kinds of movies" - do you mean comedies? I'm also one of those people who pays attention to the director and writer, so there's nothing that I see in common between "Dan in Real Life" and an Adam Sandler film.
Mindy, so far, I've enjoyed every Apatow film. I'm okay with it.
Robin, Waterboy had some funny parts, too.
LylaLou, that's one I haven't seen yet - I need to buy it on DVD.
BlondeFabulous, seriously? What did you like?
Lady Jaye, I really liked Spanglish, actually.
Crystal, that's the weird thing. Some of the reviews are generally possible. And I love paranormal/supernatural type movies.
Gwen, but I tried so hard!
Karl, I use Rotten Tomatoes religiously, but I've seen movies that have gotten a 40% or so and weren't actually too bad.
Finn, I know! You can't just coast through a relationship.
TMP, don't even see it. It's not worth it!
Metalmom, I thought the trailers showed promise - that it might be a bit zany but fun.
Heather, this is true. View Askew is good, but his directing style needs to grow up. Shymalan's only made three movies that I've enjoyed, so he's 50/50 right now.
Bucky, so are Superbad and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Great flicks. I like Superbad better than any of the others, I think.
Sybil, Burt Reynolds is a decent actor, though.
Dragon, me too. I think he will.
Atomic Bombshell, I never saw it, but I usually like David Spade.
OCB, shampoo is bettah!
Tracy, in the beginning, there was promise!
BTDT, I loved his first few comedy albums, too.
Cat, hehe - it makes me laugh every time.
Bossy, but it feels genuine!
Kayce, don't know about that, but thanks for the visit and comment!
Charissa, I chuckled, but only at the potential of jokes that were never realized.
Kay, Happy Gilmore will always keep me warm at night.
CP, sobered up? I don't think he's done that, has he?
Miss Anne, why do I have to be older?
Miss, View Askew is good - I love Clerks 1 and Clerks 2 like they were my gay lovers.
Marty, I really liked Spanglish and I loved Punch Drunk Love.
Zom, I've never seen that one, actually.
Comments by Avitable
Dork is tattooed on your forehead.
Comments by Poppy
But there is always promise in the beginning! THAT'S WHY IT'S THE BEGINNING! Still wasn't good enough for you, but I know how it is. *she says, watching Drew Carey on the Price Is Right*
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I heard Dave Matthews was good in it...
Comments by Maria
I fell out of love with H.M. after Click and I don't think I could ever bring myself to watch Zohan. But will have to check out Apatow Productions though.
Comments by Sarah
I love and adore Knocked Up and have to admit not liking any of the films you mentioned in that post (with the exception of The Wedding Singer). Shall I get my coat?
Comments by Bec
I probably would've written this letter several years ago if I'd thought to.
Comments by kapgar
Sandler is another example of someone who was so good on SNL but abysmal on the big screen. I'm also looking at YOU Will Ferrell.
Comments by Kevin Spencer
Did you at least have break-up sex?
Comments by Stephanie
Peeee Esssss....pleaseohpleaseohplease let The Happening be good....as Crystal said, after that shitola Lady in the Water (which I got 3/4 of the way through and blew an artery in my brain and had to have emergency brain surgery thankyouverymuch) I am so very afraid.
Comments by Stephanie
Crys and Steph: It's way better than Lady In the Water. But... um, you need to realize the acting is over the top on purpose.
Comments by Poppy
I fear that Apatow isn't going to pan out. I'm sick of the premise of all of his films and I won't even say it aloud but I will mention that bathroom humor seems to be their whole schtick.
Dan in Real Life was amazing. I re-watched it right after viewing in on DVD. Liked it that much.
Go ahead, kick me out of the club.
Comments by Mocha
I enjoyed Spanglish, a good movie that could have been made great by showing hispanic hooters. But Punch Drunk Love was the greatest waste of time in my life. Maybe I went in with the wrong attitude and saw it on a bad day. But on the day in time, I hated it.
Comments by Y2K Survivor
I wrote a scathing review for Waterboy when I was the A&E editor of my college newspaper.
Comments by Robin
I liked Click.
Let me clarify. I liked "click", being the sound my remote made when I turned off the movie named "Click"
haha, just kidding. I wanted to make funny joke there. I actually liked the movie.
Comments by whall
don't be such a hater
Comments by Bethie
Zohan was one of those things that had all the funny parts shown on the commercials.
I watched The Waterboy just the other night. I liked Click and The Wedding Singer.
Joe Dirt ... oooh ... that was bad. (Or so I thought.)
Comments by delmer
Poppy, on my butt, actually.
Tracy, is he any good?
Maria, he was miserable!
Sarah, you mean you haven't checked out any Apatow films yet?
Bec, let's go!
Kapgar, wanna sign it too?
Kevin, well, he was good in Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, The Wedding Singer, Spanglish, and Punch Drunk Love.
Stephanie, I tried, but the penguin rebuffed me.
Poppy, I don't think it's over the top on purpose.
Mocha, have you seen Superbad? It was genius! So was Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Knocked Up! Sigh.
Y2K, I think you had the wrong attitude.
Robin, there were a few funny scenes.
Whall, you make funny joke and peepee in my Coke!
Bethie,
Delmer, I thought Joe Dirt was funny, actually.
Comments by Avitable
Right where everyone gets "exit only" tattooed?
(I AM ON FIRE TODAY.)
Comments by Poppy
Sorry I'm late to the party. (My work blocks your blog and that's basically the only time I read blogs)
But The Wedding Singer is the only Adam Sandler movie worth watching ever.
That is all. Sorry for my lack of comments.
Comments by Craig
Poppy, when I first read this, I thought you were saying you were on fire where someone might tattoo "exit only".
Craig, what about Happy Gilmore?
Comments by Avitable