No, this is not a story about me getting my balls waxed. Someday, I promise.
This is a story of two naive fools - I'll call them Shmritt and Shmadam. They decided to go out to lunch one fine day, but before reaching the restaurant, Shmritt decided that she needed to get gas. Shmadam waited patiently in the car - a Ford Mustang convertible with a vinyl cloth top - while Shmritt pumped gas next to his open window. "Should I get a car wash?" Shmritt asked.
"Sure," said Shmadam. So Shmritt paid the extra money for a car wash, finished pumping her gas, and proceeded to drive her convertible over to the automated car wash. She pulled in and stopped when the light flashed "Stop", and Shmritt and Shmadam waited for the wash to begin.
At this point, Shmritt and Shmadam learned something very valuable. They learned that even though the top of a convertible appears to be sealed when it is closed, it is not. They learned this the hard way, when the suds and water, backed by PSI the strength of a fire hose, sprayed through the space where the convertible top and the window met, thoroughly soaking both occupants on their respective window sides.
"Oh fuck me up the street!" Shmritt exclaimed, as the automated apparatus slid back and the water ceased flowing.
"I don't think we're done yet," Shmadam replied, pointing to the electronic sign indicating the progress of the car wash.
"Hot Wax! Warning!" the sign read. And the apparatus began to move back towards the car.
"AAHHHHHHHH!" the two fools screamed in unison and simultaneously huddled in the middle of the car, where the gear shift stuck uncomfortably into Shmadam's thigh.
"Oh God we're going to die." Shmadam said. "I'm sorry I told you that you were cherubic."
"I'm sorry I tried to burn you with my lighter, " Shmritt sobbed.
"YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I LOVE YOUUUU!" the two fools yelled at each other as they hugged in the middle of the car and watched the hot wax began to spray.
At this point, the two fools learned that the hot wax does not spray with the same pressure as the water and suds, and, in reality, just kind of drizzles.
"Ahem," said Shmadam as they drove out of the car wash of death.
"You're still a fucker," replied Shmritt.
The End.
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Those poor bastards.
Comments by Miss Britt
Comments by bluepaintred
What a couple of toolkits!
Comments by Karen Sugarpants
That is hilarious!
Comments by Just Me
You did a good job disguising your names
Comments by Amanda
Shmearl has no idea who you are talking about.
Comments by B.E. Earl
I totally own a convertible, and have done a very similar maneuver when washing my car as well!!
Comments by Sheila
This one time, in band camp, shmwynn did the same thing with his convertible! And a flute.
Comments by whall
And THATS why I only let hot teenage cheerleaders, wearing string bikinis and covered in thick steamy suds, wash my car. It's all about trying to connect with the communuity.
Comments by SchmY2K Survivor
That's fucking hilarious.
Comments by sizzle
I totally thought you were going to wax your balls - really.
Comments by Judy C
Is there somewhere that we can donate to psychological counseling for these two poor souls? Maybe with some help they can put the horror of this incident behind them and move on?
Comments by Dave2
Hmmm Shmritt and Shmadam, Shmritt and Shmadam, nope! Doesn't ring a bell!
Comments by Kay
I like how you so craftily "encrypted" the names so nobody can know who you're talking about. Hypothetically.
Comments by Karl
i might have paid money to have seen that little adventure in car washing. hehe
ya know, saturday looks like a terrific day for ball waxing. i'm just sayin...
Comments by hello haha narf
Comments by Mindy
I used to own a convertible. I've had leaks in the car wash, but nothing like that. THAT is epic.
Comments by Winter
That is extremely touching.
Comments by Manager Mom
Now THAT'S classic! Fuckin hysterical! I can just imagine it too!
Comments by bubblewench
It's somehow amusing to imagine you screaming like a schoolgirl.
Or... maybe arousing...
No.
Mostly amusing.
Comments by Janna
Oh my god that is so cute!!! You two.... that's why I read this blog.
Comments by Em
This is some funny shit.
Hallie :)
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
Comments by Hallie
The adventures of Frick and Frack get better every day!
Comments by metalmom
LMAO too funny!
Comments by ~kat
I always wanted a convertible. At least now I can console myself with how horribly leaky they really are and feel better about my own non-fun car.
Comments by Kyra
At least by the time they got back to work they smelled better.
Too funny!!
Comments by trishk
OMG! That had to look absolutely hilarious!
Comments by Blondefabulous
That is hilarious! I totally would've been huddled in the middle too - expecting scalding wax to come shooting in and give me third degree burns. Good to know that's not the case. Hope the car's all right...
Comments by jenny
That was a beautiful story...I'm all vaclemped.
Comments by Robin
In hindsight... you should have laid on the hood.
The aftermath of that would have made Steve Carrell from the 40-Year Virgin look like a chump.
Comments by NYCWD
My friend Schmwen made the same mistake with her convertible.
Comments by Gwen
He he. I love Schmritt and Schmadam.
Comments by student teacher (mcat)
that's classic
Comments by jennifer
For some reason I feel like I've met these two.
Jan
Comments by Jan
That sounds like that one time that Shmucky....
... hey, that really doesn't work to good for my name.
Comments by Bucky
Come on, you made this up, right?
Comments by Finn
That made me laugh out loud. Thank you Adam.
Comments by maman
OH. MY. GOD.
I needed that laugh!
(and this is where I should be sorry it is at your expense, but nah.)
Comments by themuttprincess
Awesome story! Remind me to tell you the one about my friend who Naired his balls. Yikes.
Comments by Tracy
Shmritt, I know!
BPR, and then my nakey got big and strong.
Karen, I know - couple of 'tards.
Just Me, drenchingly funny.
Amanda, whose names? These are two completely different people.
BE Earl, that's shmgood.
Sheila, so it's not just her car - that's good to know.
Wayne, have you really?
ShmY2K, that's totally what I'm suggesting next time.
Sizzle, suuuure, laugh at our pain.
Judy C, someday I will and I'll get it on video.
Dave, just make the check out to the Catholic Association for Stupid Humans. The initials will be easier to write than the whole name.
Kay, it's a shmrystery.
Karl, allegedly.
Hello, what are you, a weatherman now?
Mindy, unfortunately, yes.
Winter, it was crazy!
Manager Mom, well, she might have accidentally touched my no-no spot.
Bubblewench, I can imagine it like it happened two and a half days ago.
Janna, you're playing with yourself right now, aren't you?
Em, we're like Three Stooges rolled into two.
Hallie, it was a death-defying stunt.
Metalmom, she's Frack.
~Kat, maybe. Or maybe it's just not funny enough. I should add in somewhere that one of us lost an eye.
Kyra, if you want, you can roll down the windows a crack and go through the drive-through car wash for a similar expernce.
TrishK, you'd think, but Shmritt still smelled kind of funky.
Blondefabulous, it was like out of a sitcom.
Jenny, the car looks all pretty now!
Robin, dude. You're fucking Jewish. It's verklempt. You do this just to make my head explode, don't you?
NYCWD, that is true, and he wasn't even acting when they did that.
Gwen, she must be just as retarded as these two!
Student Teacher, I mainly love Shmadam.
Jennifer, nah, it was a newer car.
Jan, ya think?
Bucky, that's true. I bet you never played that "banana banana bo banana" game with your name either.
Finn, I wish. Completely 100% true.
Maman, my pain is at your service.
TMP, I'm used to it.
Tracy, how did that go? I'm considering that instead of waxing.
Comments by Avitable
Shmritt sounds hot. That Shmadam sounds like a fraidy cat.
Comments by Dragon
I love you two!
Comments by sybil law
That's awesome. You two have the most fun!
So... no car washes for convertibles, eh? Hmm. Who knew? (hehehehehehe)
Comments by Poppy
You should really write children's books. That is an awesome story. I laughed.
Comments by Lynda
Comments by bluepaintred
Stories like these are what keeps me coming back. Nice going, Shmadam.
Comments by LizB
I have never known two people to so consistently have these kind of repeated adventures. Cracks me up totally.
Comments by Willie G
If you ever decide to ditch the gorilla look you could get sorted out pretty quick with the roof down huh?
Umm...I don't mean YOU...I mean...ummm....Schmadam (Madam?? Okayyyy)
Comments by Penelope
I was touched by the way Shmadam jumped in front Shmritt to protect her from the hot wax. What's that? It was Shmritt who protected Shmadam? Well, that's sweet too, I guess.
Comments by Jay
Oh Schmadam, you're hilarious!
Comments by Krystle
I don't believe you. Need photo proof of this event.
Comments by martymankins
If only you would name names so we'd know who this happened to (kidding, I did get it)
That was hysterical, especially now that we know you are fine.
Comments by radioactivegirltori
Hmm...so how was lunch?
Comments by Barb
I literally LOL'd cause I could picture it so vividly.
You should take Hello up on the ball waxing–she'll hold your hand while you scream in agony
Comments by Turnbaby
Holy fuck! That made me laugh so hard my face hurts. Your pain amuses me.
Comments by Gwen
Hee. Don't you just hate it when you're facing certain death with another person?
Comments by Captain Steve
Comments by Tracy Lynn
BEST. POST. EVER.
And, look, it's totally possible to do that without anyone screwing a snake or giving a dolphin head. Amazing, isn't it?
Comments by AmyD
My friend Schmug was just wondering if her convertible should go through an automatic washer-er...now she knows, thanks for that.
Comments by Tug
I love this story.
Comments by delmer
You know all those car washes have video cams, right? So when we see this on AFV....
Comments by Mari
I love Shmritt and Shmadam! I hope they become a regular feature here.
Comments by Shelli
I... feel like that has happened to me or someone I know. Like, recently even. Hm.
Comments by Nina
LOL.
Comments by Maria
Riveting.
Comments by Schadenfreude
Schmrephanie wonders if the hot air blew through and burnt you?
Comments by Stephanie
Dragon, he's a pussy.
Sybil, you mean those two, right?
Poppy, and now you know!
Lynda, I could see the title. "How not to be a fucking retard."
BPR, until it spat at me.
LizB, who's Shmadam?
WillieG, we're two smart people that don't think all the time.
Penelope, the gorilla look is so "in", though.
Jay, Shmritt is a real gentleman.
Krystle, why yes, he is. Whoever he is.
Marty, video would have been better.
RadioactiveGirl, we squeaked by on the hair on my back.
Barb, wet.
Turnbaby, she'd be the one making it agonizing!
Gwen, my pain amuses me, usually, too.
Steve, you say all types of unnecessary things.
Tracy, you'd probably ride your scooter into a car wash.
AmyD, yeah, but those are what really defines me.
Shmug, glad I could straighten that out for you.
Delmer, thanks!
Mari, I should have asked for the tape.
Shelli, one day it will end in death.
Nina, hm!
Maria, omg.
Schadenfreude, succinct.
Stephanie, no, the drizzle was so negligible that we wouldn't even have noticed.
Comments by Avitable
Hmm....you must talk to my brother. He always calls us "Shmeila" and "Shmoel".
ANYway, too hilarious. I'm so damned unlucky my car would flood and I would get scalded by the wax.
Comments by Sheila (Charm School Reject)
Sheila, ah, but you haven't done that, have you? Your luck is holding!
Comments by Avitable
You really took a shine to each other.
Comments by golfwidow
Ouch. That was a bad one.
Comments by Avitable
Of course they are! I was just complimenting your non-porn awesome post ability.
Comments by AmyD
AmyD, I bet you're not going to compliment me now that I insulted your music tastes!
Comments by Avitable