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Hot wax attack

No, this is not a story about me getting my balls waxed. Someday, I promise.

This is a story of two naive fools – I’ll call them Shmritt and Shmadam. They decided to go out to lunch one fine day, but before reaching the restaurant, Shmritt decided that she needed to get gas. Shmadam waited patiently in the car – a Ford Mustang convertible with a vinyl cloth top – while Shmritt pumped gas next to his open window. “Should I get a car wash?” Shmritt asked.

“Sure,” said Shmadam. So Shmritt paid the extra money for a car wash, finished pumping her gas, and proceeded to drive her convertible over to the automated car wash. She pulled in and stopped when the light flashed “Stop”, and Shmritt and Shmadam waited for the wash to begin.

At this point, Shmritt and Shmadam learned something very valuable. They learned that even though the top of a convertible appears to be sealed when it is closed, it is not. They learned this the hard way, when the suds and water, backed by PSI the strength of a fire hose, sprayed through the space where the convertible top and the window met, thoroughly soaking both occupants on their respective window sides.

“Oh fuck me up the street!” Shmritt exclaimed, as the automated apparatus slid back and the water ceased flowing.

“I don’t think we’re done yet,” Shmadam replied, pointing to the electronic sign indicating the progress of the car wash.

“Hot Wax! Warning!” the sign read. And the apparatus began to move back towards the car.

“AAHHHHHHHH!” the two fools screamed in unison and simultaneously huddled in the middle of the car, where the gear shift stuck uncomfortably into Shmadam’s thigh.

“Oh God we’re going to die.” Shmadam said. “I’m sorry I told you that you were cherubic.”

“I’m sorry I tried to burn you with my lighter, ” Shmritt sobbed.

“YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I LOVE YOUUUU!” the two fools yelled at each other as they hugged in the middle of the car and watched the hot wax began to spray.

At this point, the two fools learned that the hot wax does not spray with the same pressure as the water and suds, and, in reality, just kind of drizzles.

“Ahem,” said Shmadam as they drove out of the car wash of death.

“You’re still a fucker,” replied Shmritt.

The End.

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73 Replies to “Hot wax attack”

  1. jenny

    That is hilarious! I totally would’ve been huddled in the middle too – expecting scalding wax to come shooting in and give me third degree burns. Good to know that’s not the case. Hope the car’s all right…

  2. Avitable

    Shmritt, I know!

    BPR, and then my nakey got big and strong.

    Karen, I know – couple of ‘tards.

    Just Me, drenchingly funny.

    Amanda, whose names? These are two completely different people.

    BE Earl, that’s shmgood.

    Sheila, so it’s not just her car – that’s good to know.

    Wayne, have you really?

    ShmY2K, that’s totally what I’m suggesting next time.

    Sizzle, suuuure, laugh at our pain.

    Judy C, someday I will and I’ll get it on video.

    Dave, just make the check out to the Catholic Association for Stupid Humans. The initials will be easier to write than the whole name.

    Kay, it’s a shmrystery.

    Karl, allegedly.

    Hello, what are you, a weatherman now?

    Mindy, unfortunately, yes.

    Winter, it was crazy!

    Manager Mom, well, she might have accidentally touched my no-no spot.

    Bubblewench, I can imagine it like it happened two and a half days ago.

    Janna, you’re playing with yourself right now, aren’t you?

    Em, we’re like Three Stooges rolled into two.

    Hallie, it was a death-defying stunt.

    Metalmom, she’s Frack.

    ~Kat, maybe. Or maybe it’s just not funny enough. I should add in somewhere that one of us lost an eye.

    Kyra, if you want, you can roll down the windows a crack and go through the drive-through car wash for a similar expernce.

    TrishK, you’d think, but Shmritt still smelled kind of funky.

    Blondefabulous, it was like out of a sitcom.

    Jenny, the car looks all pretty now!

    Robin, dude. You’re fucking Jewish. It’s verklempt. You do this just to make my head explode, don’t you?

    NYCWD, that is true, and he wasn’t even acting when they did that.

    Gwen, she must be just as retarded as these two!

    Student Teacher, I mainly love Shmadam.

    Jennifer, nah, it was a newer car.

    Jan, ya think?

    Bucky, that’s true. I bet you never played that “banana banana bo banana” game with your name either.

    Finn, I wish. Completely 100% true.

    Maman, my pain is at your service.

    TMP, I’m used to it.

    Tracy, how did that go? I’m considering that instead of waxing.

  3. Penelope

    :lmao: That is hilarious!!
    If you ever decide to ditch the gorilla look you could get sorted out pretty quick with the roof down huh?
    Umm…I don’t mean YOU…I mean…ummm….Schmadam (Madam?? Okayyyy)

  4. Jay

    I was touched by the way Shmadam jumped in front Shmritt to protect her from the hot wax. What’s that? It was Shmritt who protected Shmadam? Well, that’s sweet too, I guess.

  5. AmyD

    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    BEST. POST. EVER.
    And, look, it’s totally possible to do that without anyone screwing a snake or giving a dolphin head. Amazing, isn’t it? :heartbeat:

  6. Avitable

    Dragon, he’s a pussy.

    Sybil, you mean those two, right?

    Poppy, and now you know!

    Lynda, I could see the title. “How not to be a fucking retard.”

    BPR, until it spat at me.

    LizB, who’s Shmadam?

    WillieG, we’re two smart people that don’t think all the time.

    Penelope, the gorilla look is so “in”, though.

    Jay, Shmritt is a real gentleman.

    Krystle, why yes, he is. Whoever he is.

    Marty, video would have been better.

    RadioactiveGirl, we squeaked by on the hair on my back.

    Barb, wet.

    Turnbaby, she’d be the one making it agonizing!

    Gwen, my pain amuses me, usually, too.

    Steve, you say all types of unnecessary things.

    Tracy, you’d probably ride your scooter into a car wash.

    AmyD, yeah, but those are what really defines me.

    Shmug, glad I could straighten that out for you.

    Delmer, thanks!

    Mari, I should have asked for the tape.

    Shelli, one day it will end in death.

    Nina, hm!

    Maria, omg.

    Schadenfreude, succinct.

    Stephanie, no, the drizzle was so negligible that we wouldn’t even have noticed.

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