Hot wax attack

No, this is not a story about me getting my balls waxed. Someday, I promise.

This is a story of two naive fools – I’ll call them Shmritt and Shmadam. They decided to go out to lunch one fine day, but before reaching the restaurant, Shmritt decided that she needed to get gas. Shmadam waited patiently in the car – a Ford Mustang convertible with a vinyl cloth top – while Shmritt pumped gas next to his open window. “Should I get a car wash?” Shmritt asked.

“Sure,” said Shmadam. So Shmritt paid the extra money for a car wash, finished pumping her gas, and proceeded to drive her convertible over to the automated car wash. She pulled in and stopped when the light flashed “Stop”, and Shmritt and Shmadam waited for the wash to begin.

At this point, Shmritt and Shmadam learned something very valuable. They learned that even though the top of a convertible appears to be sealed when it is closed, it is not. They learned this the hard way, when the suds and water, backed by PSI the strength of a fire hose, sprayed through the space where the convertible top and the window met, thoroughly soaking both occupants on their respective window sides.

“Oh fuck me up the street!” Shmritt exclaimed, as the automated apparatus slid back and the water ceased flowing.

“I don’t think we’re done yet,” Shmadam replied, pointing to the electronic sign indicating the progress of the car wash.

“Hot Wax! Warning!” the sign read. And the apparatus began to move back towards the car.

“AAHHHHHHHH!” the two fools screamed in unison and simultaneously huddled in the middle of the car, where the gear shift stuck uncomfortably into Shmadam’s thigh.

“Oh God we’re going to die.” Shmadam said. “I’m sorry I told you that you were cherubic.”

“I’m sorry I tried to burn you with my lighter, ” Shmritt sobbed.

“YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I LOVE YOUUUU!” the two fools yelled at each other as they hugged in the middle of the car and watched the hot wax began to spray.

At this point, the two fools learned that the hot wax does not spray with the same pressure as the water and suds, and, in reality, just kind of drizzles.

“Ahem,” said Shmadam as they drove out of the car wash of death.

“You’re still a fucker,” replied Shmritt.

The End.

Enjoy this post? Try these:
What I learned this weekend
How to avoid killing your dog
This entry was posted in General and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

73 Responses to Hot wax attack

  1. Miss Britt says:

    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    Those poor bastards.

    Reply

  2. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
    What a couple of toolkits!
    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    Reply

  3. Just Me says:

    That is hilarious!

    Reply

  4. Amanda
    Twitter:
    says:

    You did a good job disguising your names

    Reply

  5. B.E. Earl
    Twitter:
    says:

    Shmearl has no idea who you are talking about.

    Reply

  6. Sheila says:

    I totally own a convertible, and have done a very similar maneuver when washing my car as well!!

    Reply

  7. This one time, in band camp, shmwynn did the same thing with his convertible! And a flute.

    Reply

  8. And THATS why I only let hot teenage cheerleaders, wearing string bikinis and covered in thick steamy suds, wash my car. It’s all about trying to connect with the communuity.

    Reply

  9. sizzle says:

    That’s fucking hilarious.

    Reply

  10. Judy C says:

    I totally thought you were going to wax your balls – really.

    Reply

  11. Dave2
    Twitter:
    says:

    Is there somewhere that we can donate to psychological counseling for these two poor souls? Maybe with some help they can put the horror of this incident behind them and move on?

    Reply

  12. Kay says:

    Hmmm Shmritt and Shmadam, Shmritt and Shmadam, nope! Doesn’t ring a bell! :lmao:

    Reply

  13. Karl says:

    I like how you so craftily “encrypted” the names so nobody can know who you’re talking about. Hypothetically.

    Reply

  14. i might have paid money to have seen that little adventure in car washing. hehe

    ya know, saturday looks like a terrific day for ball waxing. i’m just sayin…

    Reply

  15. Mindy says:

    :lmao: :lmao: Seriously?!!! :lmao:

    Reply

  16. Winter says:

    I used to own a convertible. I’ve had leaks in the car wash, but nothing like that. THAT is epic.

    Reply

  17. Manager Mom says:

    That is extremely touching.

    Reply

  18. bubblewench says:

    Now THAT’S classic! Fuckin hysterical! I can just imagine it too!

    Reply

  19. Janna says:

    It’s somehow amusing to imagine you screaming like a schoolgirl.
    Or… maybe arousing…
    No.
    Mostly amusing.
    :lmao:

    Reply

  20. Em says:

    Oh my god that is so cute!!! You two…. that’s why I read this blog.

    Reply

  21. metalmom says:

    The adventures of Frick and Frack get better every day! :lmao: :lmao:

    Reply

  22. Kyra says:

    I always wanted a convertible. At least now I can console myself with how horribly leaky they really are and feel better about my own non-fun car. :batting:

    Reply

  23. trishk says:

    At least by the time they got back to work they smelled better.

    Too funny!! :lmao: :lmao:

    Reply

  24. :clap: Ah ha ha ha ha!

    OMG! That had to look absolutely hilarious!

    Reply

  25. jenny says:

    That is hilarious! I totally would’ve been huddled in the middle too – expecting scalding wax to come shooting in and give me third degree burns. Good to know that’s not the case. Hope the car’s all right…

    Reply

  26. Robin
    Twitter:
    says:

    That was a beautiful story…I’m all vaclemped.

    Reply

  27. NYCWD
    Twitter:
    says:

    In hindsight… you should have laid on the hood.

    The aftermath of that would have made Steve Carrell from the 40-Year Virgin look like a chump.

    Reply

  28. Gwen says:

    My friend Schmwen made the same mistake with her convertible.

    Reply

  29. He he. I love Schmritt and Schmadam.

    Reply

  30. Jan says:

    For some reason I feel like I’ve met these two.
    Jan

    Reply

  31. Bucky says:

    That sounds like that one time that Shmucky….

    … hey, that really doesn’t work to good for my name. :dunce:

    Reply

  32. Finn
    Twitter:
    says:

    Come on, you made this up, right? :lmao:

    Reply

  33. maman
    Twitter:
    says:

    That made me laugh out loud. Thank you Adam.

    Reply

  34. OH. MY. GOD.

    I needed that laugh!

    (and this is where I should be sorry it is at your expense, but nah.)

    Reply

  35. Tracy says:

    Awesome story! Remind me to tell you the one about my friend who Naired his balls. Yikes.

    Reply

  36. Avitable says:

    Shmritt, I know!

    BPR, and then my nakey got big and strong.

    Karen, I know – couple of ‘tards.

    Just Me, drenchingly funny.

    Amanda, whose names? These are two completely different people.

    BE Earl, that’s shmgood.

    Sheila, so it’s not just her car – that’s good to know.

    Wayne, have you really?

    ShmY2K, that’s totally what I’m suggesting next time.

    Sizzle, suuuure, laugh at our pain.

    Judy C, someday I will and I’ll get it on video.

    Dave, just make the check out to the Catholic Association for Stupid Humans. The initials will be easier to write than the whole name.

    Kay, it’s a shmrystery.

    Karl, allegedly.

    Hello, what are you, a weatherman now?

    Mindy, unfortunately, yes.

    Winter, it was crazy!

    Manager Mom, well, she might have accidentally touched my no-no spot.

    Bubblewench, I can imagine it like it happened two and a half days ago.

    Janna, you’re playing with yourself right now, aren’t you?

    Em, we’re like Three Stooges rolled into two.

    Hallie, it was a death-defying stunt.

    Metalmom, she’s Frack.

    ~Kat, maybe. Or maybe it’s just not funny enough. I should add in somewhere that one of us lost an eye.

    Kyra, if you want, you can roll down the windows a crack and go through the drive-through car wash for a similar expernce.

    TrishK, you’d think, but Shmritt still smelled kind of funky.

    Blondefabulous, it was like out of a sitcom.

    Jenny, the car looks all pretty now!

    Robin, dude. You’re fucking Jewish. It’s verklempt. You do this just to make my head explode, don’t you?

    NYCWD, that is true, and he wasn’t even acting when they did that.

    Gwen, she must be just as retarded as these two!

    Student Teacher, I mainly love Shmadam.

    Jennifer, nah, it was a newer car.

    Jan, ya think?

    Bucky, that’s true. I bet you never played that “banana banana bo banana” game with your name either.

    Finn, I wish. Completely 100% true.

    Maman, my pain is at your service.

    TMP, I’m used to it.

    Tracy, how did that go? I’m considering that instead of waxing.

    Reply

  37. Dragon says:

    Shmritt sounds hot. That Shmadam sounds like a fraidy cat. :lmao:

    Reply

  38. Poppy
    Twitter:
    says:

    That’s awesome. You two have the most fun!

    So… no car washes for convertibles, eh? Hmm. Who knew? (hehehehehehe)

    Reply

  39. Lynda says:

    You should really write children’s books. That is an awesome story. I laughed.

    Reply

  40. LizB says:

    Stories like these are what keeps me coming back. Nice going, Shmadam. :lmao:

    Reply

  41. Willie G says:

    I have never known two people to so consistently have these kind of repeated adventures. Cracks me up totally. :lmao:

    Reply

  42. Penelope says:

    :lmao: That is hilarious!!
    If you ever decide to ditch the gorilla look you could get sorted out pretty quick with the roof down huh?
    Umm…I don’t mean YOU…I mean…ummm….Schmadam (Madam?? Okayyyy)

    Reply

  43. Jay
    Twitter:
    says:

    I was touched by the way Shmadam jumped in front Shmritt to protect her from the hot wax. What’s that? It was Shmritt who protected Shmadam? Well, that’s sweet too, I guess.

    Reply

  44. Krystle says:

    Oh Schmadam, you’re hilarious! :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    Reply

  45. martymankins says:

    I don’t believe you. Need photo proof of this event.

    :dunce: :lmao:

    Reply

  46. If only you would name names so we’d know who this happened to (kidding, I did get it)

    That was hysterical, especially now that we know you are fine.

    Reply

  47. Barb says:

    Hmm…so how was lunch?

    Reply

  48. Turnbaby says:

    I literally LOL’d cause I could picture it so vividly.

    You should take Hello up on the ball waxing–she’ll hold your hand while you scream in agony :batting:

    Reply

  49. Gwen says:

    Holy fuck! That made me laugh so hard my face hurts. Your pain amuses me.

    Reply

  50. Hee. Don’t you just hate it when you’re facing certain death with another person?

    Reply

  51. Tracy Lynn
    Twitter:
    says:

    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :loser: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :thumbsup:

    Reply

  52. AmyD says:

    :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    BEST. POST. EVER.
    And, look, it’s totally possible to do that without anyone screwing a snake or giving a dolphin head. Amazing, isn’t it? :heartbeat:

    Reply

  53. Tug says:

    My friend Schmug was just wondering if her convertible should go through an automatic washer-er…now she knows, thanks for that. :lmao:

    Reply

  54. Mari says:

    You know all those car washes have video cams, right? So when we see this on AFV….
    :lmao:

    Reply

  55. Shelli
    Twitter:
    says:

    I love Shmritt and Shmadam! I hope they become a regular feature here.

    Reply

  56. Nina
    Twitter:
    says:

    I… feel like that has happened to me or someone I know. Like, recently even. Hm.

    Reply

  57. Stephanie says:

    Schmrephanie wonders if the hot air blew through and burnt you? :deadhorse:

    Reply

  58. Avitable says:

    Dragon, he’s a pussy.

    Sybil, you mean those two, right?

    Poppy, and now you know!

    Lynda, I could see the title. “How not to be a fucking retard.”

    BPR, until it spat at me.

    LizB, who’s Shmadam?

    WillieG, we’re two smart people that don’t think all the time.

    Penelope, the gorilla look is so “in”, though.

    Jay, Shmritt is a real gentleman.

    Krystle, why yes, he is. Whoever he is.

    Marty, video would have been better.

    RadioactiveGirl, we squeaked by on the hair on my back.

    Barb, wet.

    Turnbaby, she’d be the one making it agonizing!

    Gwen, my pain amuses me, usually, too.

    Steve, you say all types of unnecessary things.

    Tracy, you’d probably ride your scooter into a car wash.

    AmyD, yeah, but those are what really defines me.

    Shmug, glad I could straighten that out for you.

    Delmer, thanks!

    Mari, I should have asked for the tape.

    Shelli, one day it will end in death.

    Nina, hm!

    Maria, omg.

    Schadenfreude, succinct.

    Stephanie, no, the drizzle was so negligible that we wouldn’t even have noticed.

    Reply

  59. Hmm….you must talk to my brother. He always calls us “Shmeila” and “Shmoel”.

    ANYway, too hilarious. I’m so damned unlucky my car would flood and I would get scalded by the wax.

    Reply

  60. Avitable says:

    Sheila, ah, but you haven’t done that, have you? Your luck is holding!

    Reply

  61. golfwidow says:

    You really took a shine to each other.

    Reply

  62. Avitable says:

    Ouch. That was a bad one.

    Reply

  63. AmyD says:

    Of course they are! I was just complimenting your non-porn awesome post ability. :angel:

    Reply

  64. Avitable says:

    AmyD, I bet you’re not going to compliment me now that I insulted your music tastes!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>