I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Party nonsense

Is there ingrained, in every woman in the world, a sense of urgency with regards to cleaning one’s house in preparation for a party?

Saturday night we had a group of 10 or 11 people over for drinks, then we all went out to dinner and then came back for desserts, drinks, and fun.

Saturday I spent from dawn until dusk cleaning like we were hosting the fucking Queen. Does behind the toilet really need to sparkle? Is anyone going to look behind the toilet? Are our women guests going to quietly excuse themselves to the bathroom and then inspect behind the toilet? Will they write up a small report in “Behind the Toilet Quarterly”? “At the Avitable household, I performed a white glove test behind the toilet, around the edge of the mirror, and inside the cabinet drawer. While a bit more attention to detail could be appreciated, maybe by using a toothbrush to really bring out the shine, I heartily give the behind the toilet at the Avitables 4 out of 5 daisies.”

The same goes for the guest rooms. I spent literally two hours cleaning one of the guest rooms, including moving furniture, putting books on shelves, removing electronics and rearranging the closet, only to have our guests exposed to that particular room for less than ten seconds during the tour of the house. *Click* the light goes on. “And this is the guest room,” my wife says. *Click* the light goes off. I think I’m just going to take a very high resolution picture of the room, blow it up to a poster, and tape it to the door. Then, we can just shut the door to the guest room and it will look immaculate.

Finally, how is it that the pile of paper and bills on the counter becomes my pile when we’re about to have a party? “Have you gotten rid of your pile?” “Don’t forget to clean up your pile!” “If you don’t clean up that pile I will stab you between your eyes with this spoon!” I finally get around to cleaning up my pile, which consists of bringing into my office and adding it to the other miscellaneous crap that gets shoved in here as part of “cleaning up”. My office becomes the repository for every random box, book, magazine, item of clothing, pet toy, blow-up sex doll, and hooker boot in the house. And then my wife thinks it’s funny to walk in and ask why my office is such a mess!

I wonder if my housekeeper would just start coming every day?

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66 Replies to “Party nonsense”

  1. B.E. Earl

    We had guests over after a dinner out on Saturday night. But instead of wasting valuable nap time to clean up the joint, we simply ushered them around back and onto the deck for after-dinner drinks.

    The bathroom was reasonably clean, after all.

  2. BlondeBlogger

    Oh you’d be surprised where people will look. Medicine cabinets are a huge target. But I read a way to combat it…..fill it with marbles. So, when they peek in the middle of a party, you and everyone else will know it. 🙂

  3. Hilly

    Oh we all do it…I don’t care who says otherwise. I get pissy if anyone comes to my house without my prior written consent because yanno, it may be a mess.

    Well, not *anyone* but mostly. Yes, yes I am batshit crazy ;).

  4. Katie

    It’s so strange how we do that – madly running around tidying up the house before guests arrive, like they’re going to spring a surprise inspection on us anyway!

    It’s always a nice feeling to see such a clean house though – it makes me want to take photos as “evidence” that we CAN live cleanly! 😛

  5. TC

    We spent Saturday morning tidying and cleaning in preparation for a party which was 90% outdoors.

    I think it’s relative though. What for me was sparkling clean to a tidy peron probably still looks like a grotty dump.

  6. libragirl

    I just cleaned the house for the cleaners. I cleaned the kitchen – I cleaned the bedrooms
    for the cleaners. Not vaccuuming and stuff – but had to do straightening up FOR THE CLEANERS I blame my mother for the cleaning for the cleaners insanity

  7. Mattie

    So far no one has told you the truth. Might I be so bold as to reveal to you the brutal truth of why other women DO look at everything with great attention to detail?

    Here it is: It’s NOT whether it’s clean or not so much as it is whether or not your significant other has you pussy whipped trained well enough to do the cleaning itself.

    And, as a woman, we get a sense of satisfaction that yet another man has been broken down.

    Now, I’m sorry if I’ve revealed to you, a mere man, one of the secrets of the sisterhood but I felt that you HAD to know the real deal.

  8. bubblewench

    I will have to admit that I do belive this ‘habit’ is beat into us as young women by our mothers. God forbid a neighbor stopped by for cofee and the house WASN’T spotless and shiny…. Sadly, we never shake this one. Ask my husband.

  9. RW

    We don’t have this experience in the RW house… we aren’t friends with anybody and our families hate us so it’s not a thing we have to concern ourselves with. Keep it simple, you know.

  10. Geeky Tai-Tai

    My husband is better at cleaning for guests than I am. I get caught up in those little details (behind the toilet, no yellow or brown on the toilets ANYWHERE, mirrors, stupid stuff). He’s like a whirling dervish going through the house making it look like we’re not really slobs. Oh, and I almost forgot, he is highly compensated for his efforts :batting:

  11. Mindy

    I love a clean house.. doesn’t mean that my house is always clean though. I am surprised that Amy had you clean though. If it were me, I would’ve thrown your ass out so I could clean in piece.

  12. Trishk

    My hubby has an aunt who also checks behind the refrigerator.

    And behind the toilet is very important. If you skip that area a friend may be over using your toilet and find a dead frog back there. Not that it ever happened to me or anything…

  13. some girl

    Funny…I have a friend who I know ALWAYS looks in my medicine cabinet when he comes over. Instead of the marble thing, I taped a piece of paper on the inside that said “HI RON!”. I knew he had looked in there when he came out of the bathroom red-faced.

    Hee hee.

  14. Carolina

    Come on Adam – didn’t you notice me inspecting under the pool table! I was astonished by the amount of crusty cum wads down there. Tisk Tisk. You should be ashamed!

  15. Robin

    When my Aunt stayed at my mom’s house for the wedding she nit-picked every inch of the house, stuff normal people wouldn’t notice even though my mom had it professionally cleaned.

  16. Selma

    I have a friend who checks behind the oven and also the fridge everywhere she goes. She used to work for the Health Department. Thank God she doesn’t look under my bed because that’s where I keep all my unfolded laundry and piles of bills!

  17. Avitable

    Amanda, we do have a pool – you can visit anytime.

    Jay, well, she’s not invited, then.

    BE Earl, we had most of the party on the porch, but we still had to clean everything!

    BB, luckily, we don’t have medicine cabinets in the guest bathroom.

    Maria, dog hair is important.

    Zom, that is a good point.

    Hilly, anytime we have a blogger over and I haven’t cleaned, Amy gets pissed!

    AmyD, well, I knew that.

    Katie, it is nice to be in a clean house, yes.

    TC, well, that might be true in my case, too.

    Libragirl, we tidy for the cleaners, but I’m trying to rid myself of the habit of cleaning for them.

    Mattie, well, she did clean the rest of the house, so we did share the chores equally.

    Bucky, 1. Pick up phone book, 2. Search for housecleaners, 3. Call them!

    Bubblewench, it’s a sad state of feminist affairs!

    BlondeFabulous, you don’t make the kids clean?

    Kapgar, oh, I know you can.

    RW, I bet your house is spotless.

    Student Teacher, she’s a modern nun.

    Geeky Tai-Tai, he is pretty awesome!

    Mindy, well, she cleaned the rest.

    TrishK, dead frog, eh?

    Some Girl, that’s awesome!

    Metalmom, we’re slowly changing over to all tile.

    Carolina, so you’re the pool table inspector!

    Finn, well, duh. It’s all her fault!

    Robin, your aunt sucks!

    Tug, then you could blame the piles on the cleaning lady.

    Selma, and this is a friend? I’d be pissed if someone checked behind our fridge.

  18. Lisa

    I force Dude to do the same kind of cleaning. It’s some kind of thing that’s been ingrained into me from my mother. Someone may actually do a report, essay or four-part news series on ABC about my toilets and tile floor in the bathroom.

    God forbid they don’t sparkle and go DING!

  19. Grant

    I’m still sick, so a friend is visiting me for a day to clean my apartment and cook for me. You need to throw that kind of party instead. If you can get Japanese women to attend I’ll gladly loan the use of my apartment for the hosting location.

  20. radioactivegirltori

    Isn’t it funny that we clean for guests, but for ourselves it is fine to be a little messy? For the record, I would much rather go to a house that was a little messy/not perfect than a house that would make me feel like my house sucks for not being spotless 24/7. For future knowledge, just in case I ever come over, leave a little mess out so I don’t feel inadequate please.

  21. Dragon

    I must admit, I’m the same as your wife. In my case I think it’s a cultural thing. Having a clean home is very important in the Portuguese culture. Guess it just stuck with me.

    In my mind, I show I care enough about my guests to make sure that they are welecomed into a clean and orderly home.

  22. delmer

    >>I wonder if my housekeeper would just start coming every day?<<

    I’m lost as to how increased sexual activity on the part of your housekeeper will keep the area behind the toilet in better shape.

  23. Andria

    One of my biggest nightmares is when people stop by unannounced- and, they see my house and ME in the day-to-day glory. I have some petty need to have people think that my house is always immaculate, and that my face and hair are always fixed up.

    Hey, do you have any restaurant recommendations while I’m here in Orlando?

  24. MyWeeWorld

    My mom once said if you don’t clean for people who are coming over, then you don’t care that they’re coming over. And I wonder why my childhood was so fucked up … anyway, I call it “Cleaning for the Queen” so I know where you’re coming from there, and it drives my munchkin crazy. I’m nicer than my mom – I don’t ask him to help except for the dusting. He doesn’t mind that. Then he plays XBox, and I disturb him with my vacuuming. Kitchens have to be clean all the time because there is nothing that will gross me out more than food coming out of a dirty kitchen. Ew.

  25. Avitable

    Robin, that’s always shitty when that happens.

    Lisa, God forbid indeed.

    Grant, I know a few Japanese women.

    Radioactive Girl, by little mess do you mean splooge?

    Dragon, that does make sense.

    Honeybell, that’s a good first step.

    Delmer, well, the endorphins might help her do her job better!

    BB, he’s a funny guy.

    Andria, so nobody’s ever seen you without your “face” on?

    MyWeeWorld, our kitchen gets pretty bad during the week.

    Britt, but that’s a nice place to keep it!

  26. Evil Genius

    Sorry, those of us with German mothers are totally with your wife on this one. If that whole house doesn’t sparkle, about a gazillion years of Jewish guilt will be bestowed upon us.

    And then we’ll get berated by our mother’s to boot.

    🙂 Hope the party was a success anyway!

  27. hello haha narf

    sometimes i think i am missing a few womanly genes because i could not possibly care about cleaning. or cooking. when folks come over i try to not overwhelm them with crap stacked up on the dining room table, but the house is my home and if you come into it you will probably get dog hair on you and then we will order pizza. but the beer will be cold and you will be welcome and loved so i think the dust shouldn’t matter too much.

    (i told britt that she needed to leave stuff laying around when i came to stay last week. if it were perfect i wouldn’t have felt like a friend…homes aren’t perfect, they are warm and welcoming.)

  28. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    We run around like crazy cleaning before company comes over [unless it’s like my siblings or something]….guess what? In an hour or so its a total wreck again because we’ve always got so many damned kids running around [at least five, if you include the baby, on any given day].

    Of course, clean to us is still dirty to others…..there are too many of us to worry about baseboards.

    AND, Finn is so right….the woman is the one who gets the blame and the poor, poor man gets fussed over as if he is a neglected child. :crazywife:

  29. Kay

    Guilty as charged. I don’t know. Mentally everything HAS to be cleaned whether anyone notices or not I do and that is what counts to me.
    Besides, I like people to “think” I live immaculate. HA HA HA HA HA :lmao:

  30. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    I guess I manically clean because my parents were slobs and after living in that environment, I can’t stand it. I feel like I’m being discourteous or rude to my guests if they come to a messed up/dirty house. Now, I don’t worry about making the master bedroom bed or dust the guest room. Naw, only if those rooms are to be used by someone other than me, in an overnight stay, then they’ll get cleaned. But the main floor of the house? Kitchen, living room, dining room, half-bath? Oh, yeah. Spotless, baby.

    But if you come for a visit? I’ll make sure it’s a shitty pig-sty.

  31. Summer

    I know right where Amy is coming from. I too have to do a massive cleaning when people are coming over. Right down to cleaning the bathroom linen closet/medicine closet. I also have to have my house clean before I go on a trip. Can’t come home to a dirty house. Now sometimes my husband says it’s time to have company so the house gets a good cleaning. Smart ass.

  32. Sarah

    I clean the house from top to bottom when a large party or some guest we haven’t seen in a long time comes over. But if it’s a good friend who knows that I’m super lazy I don’t clean too much.
    But I think you’re right, it’s a complete girl thing.

  33. Stephanie

    Yes, women look at how clean it is behind your toilet. And yes, even if people see the rooms for 5 seconds each, they must sparkle, shine, and SMELL GOOD. And everything must be hidden away such as piles of mail, magazines, ugly shoes, etc.

    It’s real, and it’s deep. Don’t fuck with it.

  34. Kelley

    If you were my husband I would totally fuck you up after a post like that.

    You just blew the illusion that the house looks like that ALL THE TIME!! Jesus, people are not supposed to KNOW that you cleaned!

  35. Avitable

    EG, and everybody knows that Jewish guilt is worse than Catholic guilt in that case.

    Crystal, I wonder what OCD of the penis is, then?

    Martymankins, that’s a good rule.

    Charlene, why hide them? You should display them proudly.

    Hello, I’d get dog hair on me? Hm. I don’t know that I’m going to come visit now.

    Sheila, we don’t invite kids over.

    Valerie, poor Clayton!

    Kay, yeah, it’s all about giving the impression that you don’t get anything dirty, ever.

    Poppy, I would have if I could have.

    Janna, or just wash away the dirt with pee.

    DaisyJo, so women want their houses to be clean AND huge?

    Cajunvegan, we tidy before they come, which is crazy enough.

    Heather, I only stay in hotels anyway, so that’s okay.

    Summer, that’s a brilliant idea, except I’d get roped into helping!

    Sarah, yeah, we’re relaxed for good friends.

    Bec, wow. That’s a new level of loony!

    Manager Mom, not ours!

    Stephanie, real and deep. It’s like the Zen of cleaning.

    Whall, didn’t you see? Delmer already made that joke.

    Kelley, oops. I won’t tell my wife about this post, then.

  36. K8spade

    Yes. Yes, yes, and yes. I have this innate need to clean EVERYTHING when people are coming over. And if someone else’s shit ain’t clean, you know we gonna notice because women talk about EVERYTHING. It’s sad, I know. I’m disgusted with myself right now.

  37. Sybil Law

    I clean like that whether people are coming over here or not. The best advice i ever got when it comes to cleaning is this: don’t clean your hardwood floors. As in, don’t mop them and go all nuts. Because if you do, then people come in and out of the house and they end up so dirty that the next day, you have to re-clean them, anyway. Or, in my case, it will rain the day you clean the floors and end up super trashed.
    Still, I think it’s great that you even helped clean!

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