I went bowling last night with Britt, Jared, my friend James and his girlfriend, Carolina. Lucky us, we got placed in a lane next to highly-skilled bowlers who had their own balls and cool wrist braces and truck nuts on their cars and somehow moved very smoothly as they whipped the ball down the lane with precision. Because nothing is more fun than doing something you're not very good at when you can compare yourself with experts.
As we bowled, though, I realized that each of us is probably the archetype for five different types of amateur bowler:
1. The Fred Flintstone. With the exception of the twinkletoes, Jared's style is quite similar to that of our favorite cartoon caveman. He approaches the lane with gusto and launches the ball in the air, almost flying down the lane in pursuit, just from the momentum alone. The ball lands halfway down the lane with a sickening crunch and then plows into the pins with a force sufficient to break them in half. If he's lucky, it's a strike, because the delicate touch required to complete a spare isn't quite there. This is brute instrument bowling at its finest.
2. The Wii Bowler. This is all me. I have bowled so much in Wii Bowling that it's the only way I know how to bowl. I line my feet up, stand straight up with my ball up against my chest, and try to angle the ball so that it will go in a straight line down the lane. When it works, it works well, but a 15 lb bowling ball is much heavier than the Wii remote! Most of the time, I slip and the ball goes directly into the gutter or, if I'm lucky, stays straight and knocks out the 7 or 10 pin.
3. The Whirling Dervish. Carolina picks up her ball and charges towards the lane. The ball is whipped towards the pins at an unbelievable speed and either flies off into the gutter or charges right into the center pin and knocks down a majority of them. If a good bowler is like a sharpshooter, this is like taking an Uzi and just closing your eyes and riddling the entire area with bullets. You never know if you'll hit someone, but you've got a good chance of it.
4. The Girl. Not to be a sexist chauvinistic bastard or anything, but Britt bowls like a girl. The ball glides down the lane instead of rolling like it's supposed to. Since it's only a 6 lb ball, the slow speed and the light weight form a totally non-lethal combination to the pins. In fact, it feels like the pins that do fall over do so out of pity rather than out of actual physics.
5. The WTF? My friend James walks stiffly up to the lane, ball at his side, and then, rather than cupping the ball and rolling it like a normal person, draws back his hand and releases the ball overhand, usually putting a weird spin on it. There's usually some good speed and occasionally some decent control, but usually you're just trying to figure out how the fuck the ball is going straight at all and how that approach is something that feels normal to him.
We played two full games, and I won one, Jared won the other, and neither of us broke 150, which is pretty sad. Next Thursday is the day that the Orlando Home for Special Children will be bowling there, so I think I'll go rent a lane next to the retarded kids and give my self esteem a much-needed boost.
On a completely unrelated note, thanks for the input yesterday. I'm trying to get an idea of about how many people might be coming from out of town so that I can talk to a hotel about getting a group discount. All bloggers who read my blog are invited to attend, except for Donna, who's a stupid troll, and Annie, who has the personality of a pile of dog shit. Also, I will be announcing the theme for the party next week sometime so that anyone who wants to do a costume in the theme can. I'll also be announcing a special contest that might mean that a lucky blogger who doesn't think they can afford to attend might be able to, after all. So stay tuned!
