Got this from Karl, and it's 11:00 PM and I haven't written a post for midnight yet, so this is the best you're going to get.
The ABCs of Me
Accent: Is retard an accent? Because whenever I hear my voice, I hear a hint of 'tard.
Breakfast or no breakfast: Unless we make an effort to go out to breakfast, at which time I'll get waffles or pancakes and sausages and gallons of syrup for both, I don't eat breakfast. My wife, however, loves Grape Nuts.
Chore I don’t care for: I'm a firm believer in paying other people to do the things that I don't want to do.
Dog or Cat: I love well-trained dogs, and kittens are cute, but I really want to own a chimpanzee.
Essential Electronics: It's harder to think of any electronic equipment of mine that isn't essential. Except maybe the rectal probe.
Favorite Cologne: I rarely wear cologne, because it usually clashes with the fruity or chocolatey scented body wash I use.
Gold or Silver: Platinum. Unless we're talking about my grillz, in which case diamonds all the way, awww yeah.
Handbag I carry most often: Usually my wife's. Or my other wife's.
Insomnia: I work at my desk until I literally fall asleep, and then stumble to bed. I don't have any problem sleeping.
Job Title: CEO. And my wife's bitch. And my other wife's bitch.
Kids: I like Britt's kids. I probably wouldn't like yours. If I have one, I'd hope I liked it.
Living Arrangements: We're married and in our 30s - we live on our own in our own house.
Most Admirable Trait: Well, I'd say that my extreme cynicism and hatred of 99% of the world's population was admirable, but I think most people would probably focus on my loyalty instead.
Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: Rampant serial masturbation and subsequent ejaculation.
Overnight hospital stays: I've never stayed in a hospital. I broke my thumb when I was young and had some outpatient surgery done to a birthmark on my head, but other than that, I've never been in a hospital for any type of procedure.
Phobias: I'm a bit claustrophobic when I feel like I can't move, but other than that, I'm not scared of very much.
Quote: "Morality is not respectability." - George Bernard Shaw
Reason to smile: I never need a reason. Even though I'm a cynic, I can find a dark humor in everything.
Siblings: They exist.
Time I wake up: 6:30-7:00 AM, almost without fail.
Unusual Talent or Skill: I can read faster than all of you. Yes, even you.
Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: I don't really eat vegetables at all. Meat, bread, potatoes, and chocolate. That's about it.
Worst Habit: I like to punch pregnant women in the face.
X-rays: Not when I wear my foil hat.
Yummy Stuff: Anything with chocolate. Or birthday cake.
Zoo Animal I Like Most: I've always wanted a monkey. Or a tiger. Or a dolphin!
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Please don't let them give you a dolphin... oh dear lord, why do you want a monkey?
Comments by Amanda
i know this is so wrong, but i laughed out loud when i read "is retard an accent." thank you, i needed that.
(ever since bj and the bear i have wanted a chimp. way cool! although i will shank the first fucker who gives you your own dolphin.)
Comments by hello haha narf
I think pregnant women usually enjoy getting punched in the face. It beats labor pains.
Comments by Karl
Kids: I like Britt's kids. I probably wouldn't like yours. If I have one, I'd hope I liked it.
Bitch! You said you LIKE Maggie!!!
Ooo, wait. I get it, you like her from the other side of the continent.
Bastard.
Comments by AmyD
Oh which, given my post today... is pretty shitty.
Everyone... a round of Avi crotch punches... on the house!
Comments by AmyD
a dolphin! What a sweet way to end it! *lol*
Comments by Maria
I can't be the only one now wanting to know exactly how fast you read...
Comments by Dee
Didn't you have an overnight stay when you were born?
Comments by whall
I am truly frightened by how alike we are. And chimps get mean in their old age, dude. Like hunt and kill human children mean. Which, come to think of it, might be funny. Nevermind, let's get you a chimp!
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Letter X made me think of this: There's a monster outside my room, can I have a glass of water?
By the way, does the reflective side of the foil go in or out?
Comments by cajunvegan
It's OK to layer scents. We just need to get you some body spray.
I think BBW is having a sale again.
Comments by Miss Britt
You should go for the chocolate flavored body wash instead of the chocolate scented stuff.
Comments by Bucky
What abaout germs? Isn't that a phobia?
I'd like to punch pregnant women in the face too, except their spawn is my job security.
Comments by metalmom
How does 2700 bottles of different germ killing agents help you with claustrophobia???
Just wonderin'.
Comments by NYCWD
You're not missing much except huge bills by not staying in the hospital. My recent bout of near death was the first time I stayed overnight since I was 12. Their food made me sick and I grew weaker every day until I escaped and returned home.
Comments by Grant
Do you ever mix the fruity and chocolatey body washes? It'd be like fondue!
Comments by Finn
Quote: "Morality is not respectability." - George Bernard Shaw - I'm stealing that.
Accent: I don't hear 'tard in your voice. I do hear chimp.
Comments by A Whole Lot of Nothing
you don't even eat green beans? corn?
wait, is corn a vegetable?
Comments by Crys
If I had kids I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it, except for the fact I'd let them watch anything R rated and swear as much as they like, you might get along with them great.
Comments by Robin
"we live on our own in our own house" - I had to re -read that a few times. I'm not done my first cup of coffee
And.
You would like my kids. Trust me.
And.
I will be having birthday cake tonight. This will be the third cake we have had in the last week.
Comments by bluepaintred
When the hell did the anal probe become non essential?
Comments by Bec
Amanda, it would be awesome to hang out with a monkey while riding the dolphin!
Hello, why don't you want me to be happy with my very own dolphin?
Karl, oh, good point.
AmyD, I like her long distance. I'm scared of her otherwise.
Maria, we would become best buddies.
Dee, about a thousand words per minute.
Wayne, probably, yes. You're right.
Tracy, they get cranky like adults, but mine would only eat the kids I pointed them at.
Cajunvegan, on the outside, of course!
Britt, ooh, I love sales at BBW. Squee!
Bucky, I tried that. I have four less fingers now, and it didn't even fill me up.
Metalmom, I'm not afraid of germs. I just dislike them.
NYCWD, they're not all surrounding me! And I'm not germophobic.
Grant, I heard about your daring escape. Well done!
Finn, I already lick myself too much as it is.
Angie, ooo ooo ahhh ahhh eeeh eeh.
Crystal, I'll eat it if I have to. And corn is totally a veggie.
Robin, then I would definitely not like them. I don't think kids should be little foul mouthed adults.
BPR, you say that about your kids, but I don't know . . .
Bec, well, I can just use a broomstick.
Comments by Avitable
First? Soooo stealing this for future blog fodder. Second? If I had known you liked punching pregnant women in the face, I would have found you two years ago, driven down while pregnant with my youngest, had Britt film the whole ordeal, then posted it to YouTube for Fox News to eventually find it and make out a big news story about something that wasn't news. That would have been funny.
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
You don't really want a monkey.
Unless you like your house decorated with feces.
Comments by Dave2
I have a monkey.
Comments by Stephanie
Question about your phobia: do you, therefore, hate sleeping bags? I hate sleeping bags, for that very reason.
Also, make the monkey wear a diaper.
Comments by Sybil Law
Heather, I don't know if I could punch you in the face, though. You're too nice!
Dave, they'd wear a diaper!
Stephanie, your vagina doesn't count.
Sybil, no, that's not bad as long as they're not zipped up all the way.
Comments by Avitable