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The Throne Room

It all started with the shorts.

A few years ago, I went to the bathroom in my house immediately after someone else had been in there. I sat down on the toilet, with my shorts down around my ankles, and proceeded to read a few books, do a jigsaw puzzle, and solve Fermat’s last theorem while ensconced on my throne.

When I got up and pulled my shorts back on, I realized that the back of my shorts was wet. Upon further inspection, it was PEE! From the front of the toilet! That’s when I figured out that it’s not bad enough that men who go to the bathroom spray everywhere when they pee, but even men and women sitting down on the toilet may occasionally shoot pee out of the space between the seat and the toilet, which will drip down the front of the bowl and collect at the front of the toilet. The toilet is a nasty, nasty place, and I was forced to burn my shorts and bathe my hands in bleach and scalding water.

It was just about that point that I decided to start taking my shorts off when sitting on the toilet. I’ll strip down from the waist down and hang them on the hook on the door or put them on the floor close to the door, away from the peeing, and enjoy my 45-60 minutes of solitude bottomless.

This has lasted for a few years now and has worked very nicely. On the very rare occasion that I have to use a bathroom at someone else’s house, I just hang my shorts and underwear up and do my business. If, on the even rarer occasion, I have to use a public bathroom, I just use the handicap stall and do the same thing.

Then, one hot summer day, I was sweaty and feeling sticky and nasty, so I took off my shirt, too. And the undershirt. And you know what? It was awesome! It was like some type of regression – I flashed back to being a baby again. Sitting there, bare-ass naked – it’s liberating and everyone should do it!

This has developed into a routine. My bathroom routine. If I’m going to be in there for the long haul, I’ll go in, strip down, and enjoy my throne room in all of my naked splendor.

And, in typical Avitable fashion, the too-much-information does not end there with a happy ending. Today, after my weekly order of comics arrived, I walked into the bathroom, comics in hand. Put them on the counter. Dropped my shorts and underwear. Pulled my shirt and undershirt off simultaneously over my head.

And watched dumbfounded as my iPhone flew out of my shirt pocket and arced, in slow motion, directly for the bowl. The dirty, nasty, germy bowl.

“Noooooooooo,” my voice echoed with deep resonance. I tried to dive for the phone, but my feet got caught in my shorts and underwear. My left hand managed to knock the phone over to the bathroom counter, but the result was that I lost my balance completely.

And by lose my balance completely, I mean that I landed, hard, on all fours, face down in the toilet bowl with my beautiful visage less than an inch away from that horrible, horrible toilet water.

And that’s how I almost gave myself a swirly.

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74 Replies to “The Throne Room”

  1. AmyD

    I wanted to laugh… because this is funny… but I have the same freak-o thing about toilets (worse, because I won’t use public restrooms) and I’m soooooooo freaked out by all the germy nastiness that now I have to go scrub my hands and eyeballs with scalding water and bleach.

    :martini:

  2. Jay

    It would have made for a really interesting report for the paramedics if you had banged your head on the toilet on the way down.

    Anyway, thank GOD you saved the phone! You did save the phone, right?

  3. delmer

    I’m so glad I didn’t go to bed when I should have. It might have been days before I got around to reading this otherwise … and I needed the laugh.

    I’m glad the phone was saved.

  4. Karl

    OMG, I thought the iPhone was gone there for a second. I didn’t really care so much about you, but the phone? That would be terrible.

    BTW, why the fuck are you bringing your phone into the bathroom with you, anyway?

  5. Amber

    I didn’t think anything could top the funny that’s going on over at Karl’s blog right now, but… I was wrong.

    That was hilarious, Adam! It’s so weird you posted this, too. On our way to dinner Saturday night, my friend Jon and I were talking about how we’d never buy an iPhone because I’ve been known to drop pretty much everything in the toilet – checkbook, car keys, cell phone… I’d be PISSED if $800 drowned in germy water.

    Nice save! Hope you aren’t too sore tomorrow…

  6. Kelley

    Up until the iphone I was nodding and wondering if you were actually my husband. But he doesn’t have an iphone.

    And now I have a reason to give him when he begs and pleads and promises to clean for me. Iphones cause you to give yourself swirlies.

    Fucking awesome. Now I can buy more shoes…

  7. manager mom

    Oh… FUUUUUCK. I hate toilets with the fire of a thousand suns. The grossness!

    By the way, did you father my child somehow? because The Boy is incapable of crapping unless he completely removes all of his clothing. It didn’t come from MY side of the family.

  8. Grant

    I’ve been doing naked pooping for years. Also I like to shower then air dry by flopping on the bed after turning the a/c and fan on high. Since I live alone, my entire apartment is typically a clothing free zone.

  9. fiwa

    So really, it was your lucky day. I mean, your phone DIDN’T fall into the toilet (mine has, and at work. *gag*), and you didn’t have to scald your face with bleach and shave off your eyebrows and pluck your eyelashes to ensure there were no lingering toilet germs.

  10. Avitable

    Amanda, woohoo! Great minds think alike!

    Kris, eau du toilette?

    AmyD, hope your eyeballs recover!

    BPR, I’m a man of many useless skills.

    Melanie, I could see that video causing a lot of blindness.

    Jay, I probably would have drowned in the toilet water. And yes, the phone was ok!

    Karen, I’m laughing NOW.

    Delmer, you mean you don’t read me every single day?

    Karl, so I can read my email, send twitters, and answer it!

    Amber, yeah, if I dropped it, I’d have to get rid of it.

    Jenny, exactly! I can always get a new face.

    Sarah, it’s only weird if you were also naked at the time.

    Cajunvegan, clear swirly. But does it make it any less horrifying?

    Kelley, ah, but you might pee on your shoes, so I say give him the iPhone.

    Honeybell, well, not all the time.

    Mattie, I should sell tickets next time.

    Manager Mom, your son is clearly a smart individual!

    Soapy, oh, you’ve had those visions in your head for a long time now.

    Hello, did you just say “cheese and crackers”?

    Grant, that is one of the best ways to dry off!

    Britt, NOOOOOOO.

    Student Teacher, it won’t work? The pooping?

    Poppy, Yup huh.

    Metalmom, why is that worse than clothed on the toilet?

    Turnbaby, fiber’s for old people.

    Gwen, it could have been a tragedy!

    Crystal, do you volunteer?

    ADW, exactly.

    NYCWD, I’d rather not be immune.

    Mindy, nope – it will just change where I put my phone.

    Fiwa, it was lucky, that’s true.

    Finn, that’s what I was thinking, too.

    LizB, worth a thousand words.

    Angie, in a sexy way, right?

  11. B.E. Earl

    I like being naked as often as I can. The shitter just seems like a natural place for it.

    And so what if I forget to suit up once my business is over with in there every blue moon or so. My family and friends need to get over that shit!

  12. othurme

    Today I’m playing Blog Comments Crazy Eights…all I have left is a “That’s What She Said” card and a “Smooth movie, Ex-Lax” card… I think I’ll be able to use TWSS over at Britt’s, so while it’s not PERFECT, I think I’m going to lay down my “Smooth move, Ex-Lax!” card here.

    Smooth move, Ex-lax!

  13. yoshi

    That’s incredibly funny but at the same time it’s horrifying. I have a phobia of toilets too, and have to clean our toilet constantly. I hates it!

    But I’ve dropped many things in the toilet, and yeah, they don’t always make it. My sister dropped her phone in the toilet bowl and well, that sucked. LOL

    But yeah, that sucks.

  14. Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    That tops ANY potty training horror story I’ve amassed in the last week! Too funny!

    I despise the area of the toilet behind the seat, just in front of the tank. Ish. Dust, flush-splash, and pee always makes it right there. I’m constantly wiping that area with Clorox wipes. Although now, I could just use your face! :lmao:

  15. Avitable

    Radioactive, yup!

    Sybil, my phone doesn’t do Gmail chat unfortunately.

    Robin, ew!

    TMP, so you think.

    BE Earl, I agree completely.

    TrishK, probably as much as coke.

    Dragon, the door stays closed!

    Othurme, seems to fit in pretty well.

    Tracy, nobody would believe them.

    Yoshi, if I had dropped mine, I’d be buying a new one.

    SuvvyGirl, not many people can do it well.

    Heather, I keep Clorox wipes closeby, too. They’re not for bum wiping, though.

    Karl, I don’t touch it with any dirty hands, ever.

  16. Bec

    There really is nothing more that can be said about that other than some crap football (sorry – soccer) thing about nice save mate… BUt I can’t be bothered.

    I have been tyring not to think about the sides of toilets as my face has been too close to them with all the throwing up. Maybe some kind of sterile misting machine should be attached to give them a cloud od cleanliness around them?

  17. martymankins

    45-60 mins? Fuck. People better stop giving me shit for the 20 mins I spend enthroned. And that’s with my MacBook Pro propped up on my legs (with a hand towel between legs and laptop)

    At least you saved the iPhone.

    No wonder why you have almost 60 comments? It’s posts like these that crack everyone’s shit up.

    — posted by martymankins while naked on toilet

  18. Been there Done that

    Don’t you get an oval shaped dent in your butt and legs when you sit that long? It’s never happened to me, of course, I’m just asking. And if it did happen, it would certainly be hard to see it in the mirror. I mean I think it would.

  19. Stephanie

    Seriously, don’t your legs fall asleep? If I’m in there more than 10 minutes I feel like I can’t move my legs.

    Fiber One Bars, Chocolate flavored. You’ll be shitting so much so fast you’ll be in and out before your shorts hit the floor.

  20. Meg

    I have a friend who MUST take a shower after going #2. It’s just, what has to happen.

    Sorry ’bout your iPhone, dude. Did you try putting it in a bowl of dry rice? They say that may help to dry it out, but in my experience, one dunk in some H2O is enough to fry any tiny electronic device.

  21. Trukindog

    LMFAO Dude. I love nekked poopin when ever the opportunity arises, mostly when I’m home and hangin around in my underwear anyway.

    Have you ever used a Hwy. rest area crapper? There is NO place to put your clothes that isn’t disgusting and germ infested. Hwy. crappers are only for emergency use anyway ya know and I mean shit your pants or not emergency.

  22. noraisins

    Did you get the whole naked bathroom break from Scrubs? I know they didn’t go past a pantsless ritual, but that episode was just as hilarious as your story. I think they even had a name for it, but I can’t recall it.

  23. Stacey

    My cat drinks from the toilet. She insists it’s not germy. Of course, this is the same cat that has a thing for smelly feet.

    My dad dropped his false teeth in the toilet once. Needless to say, that was an expensive accident.

  24. Avitable

    Tracy, I take my own lunch money, too.

    Bossy, almost.

    Beth, you do? I knew I liked you for a reason.

    K8Spade, you could get it from Dairy Queen, but I wouldn’t eat it if you did.

    Kapgar, clothes are complicated!

    Winter, does that cat fall in the toilet a lot?

    Bec, I fear throwing up more than anything.

    Marty, thank you for reading my blog while naked on the toilet. We’ve bonded now.

    Janna, or the mental ward.

    Laura, 😀

    BTDT, no, but I have had both legs fall asleep.

    Stephanie, yes, and I enjoy my time, so I eat very little fiber.

    DaDuck, with me, it usually is.

    Bucky, we should totally start a club.

    Meg, take a shower after pooping? Wow. And I saved the phone, so there was no need to dry it.

    Trukindog, I have not used a rest area bathroom – I’d rather shit in the woods.

    Jason, you’ve definitely been missing out.

    Absurdist, I fall down gracefully, like an angel.

    Noraisins, actually, both Scrubs and Seinfeld talked about it.

    Jordie, nah. I’ll wait a bit first.

    Stacey, your cat is insane.

    Evil Genius, yes, he did, and that’s when I knew I wasn’t alone!

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