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Myocardial Infraction

I read an article about a guy who faked heart attacks to get out of paying for goods and services.

Quoted from the article:

“[The] man took a cab to a mall Monday and pretended to have a heart attack. The cab driver left unpaid.

Authorities say the man then ran up a $23 bill when he had a steak dinner at Applebee’s. He again pretended to have a heart attack.”

Umm, does anyone else see the flaw in this guy’s logic? I mean, he got caught, so his scams didn’t last too long, but how exactly did that work?

CABBIE: Okay, pal, that will be $18.

PASSENGER: (clutches chest) AGGGGHHHH! I can’t feel my arm! I’m having a heart attack!

CABBIE: Oh Jesus! I’ll drive you to the hospital!

PASSENGER: Nah, NNGGNNNNNN, that’s okay. AARAGHHHHHHH. I’ll just go take some aspirin. MWWARGGHHHH. Let me pay you–OH GOD THE PAIN IN MY CHEST IT’S LIKE A BOA CONSTRICTOR SQUEEZING EVERY DROP OF LIFE OUT OF MY HEART!

CABBIE: Are you sure that you don’t want me to take you to the hospital?

PASSENGER: No, it’s okay MMMMARRGGNNN. I think I’ll be fine, NNGGGAAYYYYNNN but I don’t think I can pay you. It’s too painful WHHHHARRGGGGIINNNN.

CABBIE: No problem! Hope your heart attack feels better. (drives away, whistling happily)

I just can’t see how he got away with it. Next time, instead of faking a heart attack, just shit your pants. They’ll be eager to get rid of you, and they won’t want your stinky, shitty money. It’s foolproof.


Attention minions, sycophants, fans, readers, commenters, lurkers, haters, posers, and midnight tokers:

Don’t forget! Tonight at 9 PM EST, Britt and I will butt heads on air during our first episode of “Clearly, you’re retarded!” You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

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41 Replies to “Myocardial Infraction”

  1. Grant

    I need to try some variation of this as long as I still have a drain tube (the drain tube is a plastic tube ending in a squeeze bulb like the thing that pumps up the manual blood pressure cuff, only clear so it displays the fluid it is collecting) and my IV bag running into my arm. I already scare people with my fishbelly skin, exposed tubes, and medical equipment plugged into me, so faking something medical shouldn’t be too difficult. I think I’ll go to a bank and use my apartment to secure an equity loan to buy viagara (based on my e-mail spam folder, there’s a lot of that available) then pretend to have a massive attack of advanced AIDS. I can uncap the squeeze bulb and threaten to spray anyone who tries to collect a bill from me. Let’s test it – give me a dollar or I’ll hose you down with gay.

  2. NYCWD

    Dinner – $23.00
    Ambulance Ride- $500
    ER Cardiac Workup- $3,750
    ER Cardiologist bill- $1,200

    Yeah… real good scam. Hopefully they gave him the $1.00 psych eval and threw him in for a few weeks.

    The whole shit your pants bit though… brilliant!

  3. little_lj

    I got a free mini-brownie by simply refusing to pay the extortionate price for it yesterday. ‘$1.49 for a mouthful at best?! No thank YOU!’ I said. ‘You’re right, here, have it on me,’ replied the store clerk.

    At least that’s the reason I’m telling myself and it had NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the lowcut shirt or cheeky wink I gave him.

  4. Stephanie

    True story: (the whole shitting the pants thing reminded me)
    We were at dinner tonight, hubs went to the restroom, and someone had shit all over the toilet, seat, and then kindly left his soiled UNDERWEAR hanging off the handrail. Classy.

    Thank you for having your show on nights I am off work…Signed, Midnight Toker. :woohoo:

  5. blondefabulous

    Per chance the cabbie was an illegal alien who did not want his status revealed to all and sundryby playing the hero and “saving” this man who was having a heart attack??

    Still, faking a heart attack is a shitty thing to do…..

  6. martymankins

    As with others, I’m a bit puzzled not by the man’s attempts to get free goods and services, but the lack of people reacting to his heart attacks in public places.

    Unless everyone around him is in on the whole thing. Which would then explain their lack of reactions, but their increased lack of decent acting skills.

  7. Avitable

    Britt, AHGOD MY HEART!!! I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK. SO MUCH PAIN!!

    Karl, are you kidding? Lisa Lisa is awesome! “My body never knew such pleasure, my heart never knew such payayayain.”

    Amanda, that’s how they caught him, when someone actually made him go to a hospital.

    Poppy, huh?

    Deb, I’m askeered of vomit.

    Grant, you could totally get away with it, too.

    BE Earl, you weren’t pretending, though, were you?

    Maria, ooh, you are cold hearted!

    NYCWD, that’s why he apparently declined an ambulance.

    That Guy, yup, except at least his was something that he could somewhat blame on the restaurant.

    Little LJ, can I borrow your boobs for a while?

    Starrlight, exactly.

    Steph, what fucking restaurant did you go to?

    Golfwidow, clearly, you’re a bad person.

    RW, if you say “elephant trunk” instead, it might be even more effective.

    Gwen, apparently not!

    Student Teacher, Applebee’s grosses me out already.

    Robin, you’d think he wanted to be paid, though.

    Blondefabulous, that could be true – didn’t think of that.

    Finn, crazy always works.

    Tracy, okay, ya got me!

    Marty, I would hope that I’d dial 911 if a guy was having a heart attack.

    Sheila, come for the humor, stay for the smilies.

    Bucky, we should start a trend.

    Sybil, nipple clamps are optional.

    Lisa, pretty much!

    Hello, too slow, homeskillet.

    Mik, yeah, me too.

    Turnbaby, hope you can, at least for our first one.

    Mike, very nice onomatopoeia!

  8. Evil Genius

    Faking a heart attack? What a maroon.

    Personally, I would fake an accute attack of tourettes. Since most cabbies are foreign and not terribly familiar with tourettes, I figure they’d be easily frightened and would be concerned with nothing more than getting me out of their vehicle. Ha! :martini:

  9. Poppy

    There was something bugging me about your site or this post the first time I read it but I didn’t want to actually tell you what so I vagued you. And now of course I don’t remember at all what I was talking about.

    Typical.

  10. Poppy

    Oh! I remember now.

    I am annoyed that when you put Last.fm on your blog it works just fine but when I put it on mine I get emails that it crashed the site for Windows users.

    We have the same blog underneath the hood so it makes no sense.

  11. Avitable

    Stephanie, wow, I figured you were going to say Shoney’s or something.

    Kapgar, anecdotal.

    Evil Genius, most people who meet me assume I have Tourette’s already.

    Poppy, Last.fm just likes me better!

    Sybil, and now your wait is over. Hope it was worth it!

    Katie, that’s what I was thinking!

    Janna, well, wouldn’t you have to be pregnant first?

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