After working all night and realizing that I can’t hammer a nail in without smacking my knuckles, can’t saw straight even with a straight edge, and can’t build a box that actually has 90 degree angles, I realized that I am definitely not a carpenter.
This got me thinking about another nine ways that I’m not in any way like Jesus. I mean, I know that people like to call me the god of blogging, I have my own church, and others use my name in vain all the time, but seriously, people. I’m really not like Jesus.
10. I’m not a carpenter, and neither is my father.
9. For me, 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish makes a nice big tuna fish sandwich for one.
8. It wouldn’t even cost thirty pieces of silver for Britt to call the cops on me.
7. I can only turn water into Diet Coke.
6. When I was born, I got a savings bond and a stuffed gorilla, and I was visited by wiseguys, not wise men.
5. I can really only fast for about forty seconds.
4. I thought I raised someone from the dead, but it turned out that they were just sleeping really well.
3. Instead of giving people bread and saying that it’s my body, I give people milkshakes and say, “I came in that.”
2. I don’t even wash my own feet.
1. I have a whore for a friend, not for a lover. I don’t turn my cheeks, I spread ‘em!
Jesus loves Humor-Blogs.com.
Enjoy this post? Try these:What Would Jesus Do?
Some inspirational Bible verses for Easter
What Not to Do When Watching Harry Potter
Though you ARE crucified most every day by Britt, so there’s something.
Reply
But you’re kind to hookers!
And if you, too, put a big block of ice in the pool, you could walk on water like Ric Ocasek/ Jesus!
Plus, you have a beard. Jesus had a beard – I know because all the pictures of him show him with one.
Coincidence? I think not.
This was so worth my 10 minute wait – I LOVE how you make me laugh! Right before bed! Woohoo!
Reply
Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
seriously? you could only come up with ten reasons??!?!!!
Reply
Damn! Karl beat me! How the eff did that happen?!
Avitabledammit!
Reply
Wait a minute. I’ve seen pictures with 12 other dudes next to you… oh wait, that was TequilaCon and some of those people were chicks.
Ok, maybe you really aren’t Jesus.
Reply
Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
But, I bet writing that made you feel much closer to Jesus, didn’t it?
Reply
that last one? You crossed that out in the interest of self preservation huh?
Pussy
Reply
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
But you’re humble like Jesus. And Jesus didn’t wash His own feet either, they were washed for Him. We know you love paying people for crap you can do yourself
Reply
Twitter: yoshi
says:
Holy shit, I totally LOLed on #3. LOL that shit is hilarious!
But yeah, I have to agree, only 10?
Reply
You don’t walk on water, you displace it?
Reply
Okay, when you said you needed a change I didn’t think this would turn into an I heart Jebus blog. I suppose the Internet doesn’t have enough of them, though. Good work.
– Yours in Satan
Reply
You can also turn water into pee too, assuming you drank it first.
Reply
Note to self: Avoid milkshakes.
:bukkake:
Reply
I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s 10 ways I am Jesus
Reply
I would say something snarky but it’s early and I’m laughing too hard at Becky’s comment :batting: :lmao:
Reply
and this is why I like you…you’re funny
Reply
Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Does this mean I have to take the WWAD sticker off my car?
Reply
Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
“Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes “click.” ”
That’s the Jesus you are talking about, right?
“You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.”
Reply
Hehe…number 3.
Reply
I know you’re saying that you are not much like Jesus, but can you cast demons out of pigs?
I don’t want to get into it, but that skill would come in handy right now.
Reply
Boo! Let’s reenact the part with the thirty lashes in October. I’ll be Pontius Pilot and bring my own whip.
I’ll have to do a stock inventory, but I am thinking that the cat ‘o nine tails will work well.
Reply
Wait. Someone is willing to pay me to call the cops on you??
Is this a one time deal? Can I get a separate fee for each violation I report? What’s the going rate? Do they pay by PayPal or check?
britt at miss-britt dot com
To Whom It May Concern.
Reply
I can turn Diet Coke into urine.
(Sarah said someting similar, I know — but I went to all the trouble of thinking that up and, by Avitable, it was going to be posted.)
Reply
Also? You are not a hypocrite.
Jesus said, “Judge not lest ye be judged,” and yet look how he treated those poor moneylenders.
*donning foil cap in case of lightning bolt*
Reply
i dry heaved at #3. well played!
Reply
Twitter: hismuse
says:
But you are a profit, right?
Reply
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
You’ve been nailed, but not to a cross?
And spoiler alert: According to the book and the movie, Jesus’ father was not a carpenter…
Reply
Maybe you should try a group baptism in the Pool Of The Church Of Holy Avitableness.
Reply
Karl, she only crucifies me, but doesn’t nail me, though.
Sybil, oh, there are way more than 10 ways that I am like Jesus.
Hello, yup. Every other way I’m totally like Jesus.
Marty, that was my First Supper with bloggers.
Jay, I feel holier as we speak.
BPR, I would like to keep my testicles.
Amanda, no, he washed other people’s feet at the Last Supper.
Yoshi, maybe 11, but other than that, me and Jesus, we’re like twins.
RW, I can walk on puddles.
Grant, it’s always been my dream to have a religious blog.
Sarah, that is true!
Janna, by avoid, you mean ask for them all the time, don’t you?
Dan, it’s more like 100 ways.
Turnbaby, excuses, excuses.
Libragirl, was Jesus funny, too?
Blondefabulous, nah, you can keep it. I’m still a rock star.
BE Earl, dude.
Student Teacher, want a milkshake?
SinisterDan, trying to cook up some sinister bacon, are you?
ADW, boo what? You think I am like Jesus?
Britt, there is that reward for my capture.
Delmer, well, by Avitable, you do what you need to.
SJ, Jesus also liked to give moustache rides, but he yelled at the moustache ride purveyors, too.
Crystal, dry heaved with love, I hope.
Robin, you did that on purpose, didn’t you.
Mike, his foster father was!
LMSS, let me go pee in it first.
Reply
Really? Hm. I hadn’t heard.
ON A COMPLETELY SEPARATE NOTE:
Do you want to go to lunch today?
I’ll drive.
Reply
Twitter: msmegan
says:
Also? You’re not a virgin. Or are you?
Reply
Well, thanks for clearing that up. I was confused. :dunce: Now I can direct my worship elsewhere….maybe Karl. :angel:
Reply
Twitter: maria0305
says:
Has no one done the obligatory There Will Be Blood quote? I mean you set us up perfectly. Ok then, I’ll do it:
“I. drink. your. MILKSHAKE!”
*slllllllurrrrpppppppppp*
“I drink it up!”
There. Now it’s done.
Edit: Typos ruin the effect.
Reply
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Well, according to my sources Jesus was a stonemason, like Biff’s father.
I love Christopher Moore.
Reply
This is my second attempt to leave a comment.
What I said the first time was something along the lines of:
I will never share a milkshake or accept a milkshake from you.
Reply
Oh and your different because Jesus hung on a cross and your just hung?
Reply
Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
I really never thought of you being similar to Hey-soos.
Grandpa Munster maybe… never Hey-soos.
Reply
Britt, why do I think you’re trying to trick me?
Finn, who are you kidding? Jesus was getting it on!
Dragon, Karl’s worthy.
Maria, so you’re saying that you do want me to make you a milkshake?
Mike, I can’t do stonemasonry, either.
TMP, never? Even if it’s got chocolate with sprinkles in it?
Employee, that could be, too.
NYCWD, you’re right, I’m more like God.
Reply
Twitter: hismuse
says:
Reply
I would never trick you!
Now quit being a whiny little bitch and get in the damn car!
Reply
Twitter: s_csr
says:
Suggestion Topic for Next Show :
Why do I have so much damn trouble submitting a comment on your page? Seriously pissing me off.
I’ve spent two days trying to submit a comment to yesterdays post. I have to post it here bc I.Still.Can’t.Get.It. (your video keeps blurring out my whole screen).
Anyway, now that I’ve had to ramble to explain why I posting said comment on this post instead of the correct one, I just wanted to tell you that since I just started reading you very recently, you are still fresh and new to me and I still think you’re funny (everyone else? Maybe not so much.) I’ll have to read through some of your archives…maybe then I’ll see a difference and start to think you suck. Probably not though.
Oh! And, your hitler banner, cracks me up everytime I open your page. But then again, I’m probably not the most reliable source of “things to do/say to NOT offend people”.
Reply
You had me at feet. I’m kinda “ewish” on the washing feet issue.
Reply
Especially if it has “sprinkles”.
Reply
Jesus himself couldn’t have built a better box.
Mainly because he’s pretend.
Reply
This is the most irreverent, sacrilegious piece of shit I’ve ever read. Loved it. :finger:
Reply
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
I clearly know much about the Bible
Reply
But you are kind to the weak and pathetic among us. Oh wait.
Nice catch with no1 – or else Britt’s crazy commenter will be here… You just wait… :angel:
Reply
I thought of one! I thought of one!!
11. It’s not a nail hole you invite other people to stick a finger into
Reply
Whatever you do, don’t try to heal lepers to prove this point. They might grab that great big thing between your legs (at least in your drawing) and cause you to catch their disease…ewww!
Reply
You forgot the biggest reason of all! I don’t come to your house to worship you every weekend. I think that alone proves it. :angel:
Reply
I believed in hell, I’m pretty sure I’d think you’re going there, in a handbasket!
But since I don’t, this was just cute.
Reply
Okay, so your father wasn’t a carpenter, but did he have a burning bush? I mean…er…nevermind.
Reply
Robin, damn you!
Britt, yes dear.
Sheila, yesterday’s post had some issues with the streaming audio code. You should be using Firefox instead of IE anyways.
Hilly, is “ewish” anything like “Jewish”?
TMP, what about nuts?
Clown, ah, but it would have been a better pretend box.
Willie G, oh, this isn’t anything – I can be much, much worse.
Amanda, you’re clearly a scholar.
Bec, that was mainly for safety from Britt, actually.
Y2K, hahahhaah! Genius!
BTDT, no penis leprosy, please.
BB, yes you do. You hide outside the window and masturbate with a crucifix. I see you!
Jason, just cute? Pshaw.
Evil Genius, maybe the friction? It was the 70s.
Reply
Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I’m of the opinion that Britt might actually hand over 30 silver pieces as she turns you in to the cops. Beware of that one.
Reply
Kapgar, she’s a Jezebel!
Reply
While I whole-heartedly agree that you’re not Jesus (and for that I like you more) your post reminded me of a story about my first experience with Jesus and his “body”
Here it is for your enjoyment:
http://www.lvlizard.com/crackers-for-breakfast/
-LV
Reply