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10 Ways that I’m not Jesus

After working all night and realizing that I can’t hammer a nail in without smacking my knuckles, can’t saw straight even with a straight edge, and can’t build a box that actually has 90 degree angles, I realized that I am definitely not a carpenter.

This got me thinking about another nine ways that I’m not in any way like Jesus. I mean, I know that people like to call me the god of blogging, I have my own church, and others use my name in vain all the time, but seriously, people. I’m really not like Jesus.

10. I’m not a carpenter, and neither is my father.
9. For me, 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish makes a nice big tuna fish sandwich for one.
8. It wouldn’t even cost thirty pieces of silver for Britt to call the cops on me.
7. I can only turn water into Diet Coke.
6. When I was born, I got a savings bond and a stuffed gorilla, and I was visited by wiseguys, not wise men.
5. I can really only fast for about forty seconds.
4. I thought I raised someone from the dead, but it turned out that they were just sleeping really well.
3. Instead of giving people bread and saying that it’s my body, I give people milkshakes and say, “I came in that.”
2. I don’t even wash my own feet.
1. I have a whore for a friend, not for a lover. I don’t turn my cheeks, I spread ’em!


Jesus loves Humor-Blogs.com.

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56 Replies to “10 Ways that I’m not Jesus”

  1. Sybil Law

    But you’re kind to hookers!
    And if you, too, put a big block of ice in the pool, you could walk on water like Ric Ocasek/ Jesus!
    Plus, you have a beard. Jesus had a beard – I know because all the pictures of him show him with one.
    Coincidence? I think not.

    This was so worth my 10 minute wait – I LOVE how you make me laugh! Right before bed! Woohoo!

  2. Grant

    Okay, when you said you needed a change I didn’t think this would turn into an I heart Jebus blog. I suppose the Internet doesn’t have enough of them, though. Good work.

    – Yours in Satan

  3. B.E. Earl

    “Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes “click.” ”

    That’s the Jesus you are talking about, right?

    “You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.”

  4. ADW

    Boo! Let’s reenact the part with the thirty lashes in October. I’ll be Pontius Pilot and bring my own whip.

    I’ll have to do a stock inventory, but I am thinking that the cat ‘o nine tails will work well.

  5. Miss Britt

    Wait. Someone is willing to pay me to call the cops on you??

    Is this a one time deal? Can I get a separate fee for each violation I report? What’s the going rate? Do they pay by PayPal or check?

    britt at miss-britt dot com

    To Whom It May Concern.

  6. SJ

    Also? You are not a hypocrite.

    Jesus said, “Judge not lest ye be judged,” and yet look how he treated those poor moneylenders.

    *donning foil cap in case of lightning bolt*

  7. Avitable

    Karl, she only crucifies me, but doesn’t nail me, though.

    Sybil, oh, there are way more than 10 ways that I am like Jesus.

    Hello, yup. Every other way I’m totally like Jesus.

    Marty, that was my First Supper with bloggers.

    Jay, I feel holier as we speak.

    BPR, I would like to keep my testicles.

    Amanda, no, he washed other people’s feet at the Last Supper.

    Yoshi, maybe 11, but other than that, me and Jesus, we’re like twins.

    RW, I can walk on puddles.

    Grant, it’s always been my dream to have a religious blog.

    Sarah, that is true!

    Janna, by avoid, you mean ask for them all the time, don’t you?

    Dan, it’s more like 100 ways.

    Turnbaby, excuses, excuses.

    Libragirl, was Jesus funny, too?

    Blondefabulous, nah, you can keep it. I’m still a rock star.

    BE Earl, dude.

    Student Teacher, want a milkshake?

    SinisterDan, trying to cook up some sinister bacon, are you?

    ADW, boo what? You think I am like Jesus?

    Britt, there is that reward for my capture.

    Delmer, well, by Avitable, you do what you need to.

    SJ, Jesus also liked to give moustache rides, but he yelled at the moustache ride purveyors, too.

    Crystal, dry heaved with love, I hope.

    Robin, you did that on purpose, didn’t you.

    Mike, his foster father was!

    LMSS, let me go pee in it first.

  8. Maria

    Has no one done the obligatory There Will Be Blood quote? I mean you set us up perfectly. Ok then, I’ll do it:

    “I. drink. your. MILKSHAKE!”
    *slllllllurrrrpppppppppp*
    “I drink it up!”

    There. Now it’s done.

    Edit: Typos ruin the effect. πŸ™

  9. Avitable

    Britt, why do I think you’re trying to trick me?

    Finn, who are you kidding? Jesus was getting it on!

    Dragon, Karl’s worthy.

    Maria, so you’re saying that you do want me to make you a milkshake?

    Mike, I can’t do stonemasonry, either.

    TMP, never? Even if it’s got chocolate with sprinkles in it?

    Employee, that could be, too.

    NYCWD, you’re right, I’m more like God.

  10. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    Suggestion Topic for Next Show :

    Why do I have so much damn trouble submitting a comment on your page? Seriously pissing me off.

    I’ve spent two days trying to submit a comment to yesterdays post. I have to post it here bc I.Still.Can’t.Get.It. (your video keeps blurring out my whole screen).

    Anyway, now that I’ve had to ramble to explain why I posting said comment on this post instead of the correct one, I just wanted to tell you that since I just started reading you very recently, you are still fresh and new to me and I still think you’re funny (everyone else? Maybe not so much.) I’ll have to read through some of your archives…maybe then I’ll see a difference and start to think you suck. Probably not though.

    Oh! And, your hitler banner, cracks me up everytime I open your page. But then again, I’m probably not the most reliable source of “things to do/say to NOT offend people”.

  11. Avitable

    Robin, damn you!

    Britt, yes dear.

    Sheila, yesterday’s post had some issues with the streaming audio code. You should be using Firefox instead of IE anyways.

    Hilly, is “ewish” anything like “Jewish”?

    TMP, what about nuts?

    Clown, ah, but it would have been a better pretend box.

    Willie G, oh, this isn’t anything – I can be much, much worse.

    Amanda, you’re clearly a scholar.

    Bec, that was mainly for safety from Britt, actually.

    Y2K, hahahhaah! Genius!

    BTDT, no penis leprosy, please.

    BB, yes you do. You hide outside the window and masturbate with a crucifix. I see you!

    Jason, just cute? Pshaw.

    Evil Genius, maybe the friction? It was the 70s.

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