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Battered and bruised

I’m sitting here at 11:00 on Sunday night, trying to write a post. Every time I type a key, I wince – every movement sends pain throughout my body. My body is black and blue, and it hurts to breathe.

Did I get into a car accident? Nope.
Did I get thrown from a bull? Nope.
Did I jump from a plane and land without the parachute opening? Nope.

I watched Britt’s kids.

Being the amazingly wonderful and nice person that I am, I agreed to watch the kids over at our house while Britt and my wife went shopping. Last time I watched them, they were great and I could almost see how cool it would be to have children.

This time was different.

Oh so different.

Devin and Emma, or, using the codenames I assigned to them, Ignoratron and Lil’ Ninja Punchalot, respectively, decided that this Sunday was going to be a day of boundaries. Pushing them. Testing them. Outright destroying them.

While I’d love to recap the minute-by-minute detail of the five longest hours in my life, every time I try, I just break down and sob inconsolably. Instead, here are some of the highlights, if they can be called that:

1:00 – Britt drops the kids off and runs out the door laughing maniacally.
1:02 – They’re bored.
1:15 – Ignoratron decides that he’d rather hammer nails into the table than the wood I provided.
1:18 – Lil’ Ninja Punchalot decides to take her shoes off and see if she can hit me in the forehead with them. She can.
1:30 – Ignoratron has concluded that “Stop doing that” means “Please do that with more enthusiasm”.
1:48 – Lil’ Ninja Punchalot likes to sit on the ottoman and slam her head backwards into the person sitting in the chair behind her. My crotch may never recover.
2:00 – I fall asleep in the chair while the kids are actually quietly watching TV.
2:30 – I wake up wrapped in duct tape, with a nail sticking out of my knee, unicorn temporary tattoos covering the right side of my face, and Lil’ Ninja Punchalot using me as her own personal Trampolinea (that’s kid talk for trampoline these days). Ignoratron is nowhere to be seen.
3:15 – Ignoratron pulls into the driveway. Apparently, he decided to borrow the car and go to the liquor store. Now his breath smells like tequila.
3:44 – I finally extricate myself from the duct tape. Lil’ Ninja Punchalot karate chops my nuts and Ignoratron does a flying kick to my head.
3:52 – I catch both of them at last. Ignoratron goes into the hamper and Lil’ Ninja Punchalot gets put into a pillowcase. I tape the openings up and throw both of them into the laundry room.
3:53 – Shit. They’ve escaped. Someone gnawed a hole in the wall.
4:12 – Lil’ Ninja Punchalot ambushes me from her perch on top of the refrigerator while Ignoratron uses a taser on me.
5:00 – I wake up as they are dragging me to the pool with a giant stone tied to my waist. I manage to stay my execution by promising them both large sums of money.
5:15 – I convince them that Monopoly money is actually Euros and worth more than the dollar.
5:48 – Lil’ Ninja Punchalot whips out her butterfly knife and cuts my toe off. Ignoratron helpfully puts it back on my foot with a hammer, nail, and duct tape.
6:00 – Britt tries to drop Amy off and leave without the kids, but I throw myself onto the hood of her car and hang on until she agrees to take them back.
6:01 – I call and schedule my vasectomy. hates kids, too.

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61 Replies to “Battered and bruised”

  1. Karl

    Ha! Nice. The secret is to bribe them with tons of sugar, let themselves get into a whipped frenzy and wear themselves out from the crashing sugar levels. Course, that whipped frenzy part is a bitch but it only lasts maybe 18 or 19 hours.

  2. Jay

    I’ve always found that a small hit of NyQuil puts the kids out like a light for a good three hours or more. Then do as Karl said. Powdered doughnuts and 20 oz bottles of Mt. Dew or Coke, just before mom comes back to get them.

  3. Charissa

    Wow. You never cease to give me a good belly laugh when I need one. I actually had tears rolling down my cheeks, got a stitch in my side and my friend Jade asking what the hell was so damn funny! So she read it and got the same reaction…and we haven’t even been drinking…
    Thanks. I needed that.

  4. little_lj

    Ahahahaha!! Bringing back so many baby-sitting horror stories. If only it was legal to bang their heads together these days! That’s what my mom used to do to my sister and I when we got too crazy. And we turned out FINE! Her vision problems and my lousy balance are TOTALLY UNRELATED.

  5. Katie

    Haha oh you poor thing! That reminds me of when I went to England and met my little cousins, all they wanted to do was play “Bash the crap outta our Aussie cousins”. Yeah, I didn’t really like that game.

    Have some much-needed rest! 😛

  6. Grant

    I sometimes want kids, then I got to the store and see them with their parents in public. 30 seconds of that cures the urge. I’m not doing a vasectomy, though – I’m just trying to beat the bishop into submission with a fun-filled schedule of nonstop fapping. I emphasize the nonstop – driving is difficult since I’m a right-hander and I need the left to stabilize the IV bag, plus there are several petitions at work to have the company install a home office in my apartment, but I consider those minor distractions.

  7. SinisterDan

    There is nothing more fun than leaving your kids with someone who thinks that taking care of children is somehow novel.

    I have a friend who does this for me constantly. I think my oldest daughter took his left pinky toe.

    You got off light.

  8. blondefabulous

    Now imagine taking that show on the road to a theme park! That’s what I did this weekend x3! You just can’t find a babysitter for mine. Once you tell people, ” Well you have to follow these specific rules or they’ll die because of their diabetes……”, prople just tend to run away! Bastards.

  9. Willie G

    I don’t do the baby-sitting thing any more. Horror. My own are grown, and I can no longer deal with the abusive nature of children, the sadistic impulses of the little nymphs from the pit of…

    oh, sorry

  10. Dragon

    I’m thinking everything from 2:30 to 5:48 happened in your dreams. No way those two little angel looking babies could have done all that to you. :angel: You’re a dirty, rotten liar, Avi.

  11. Employee No. 3699

    It sounds like a good time was had by all.

    And the big “V” word…I had two teenagers when my husband and I got married. He ran to the doctor’s office singing, “Snip It, Snip It Good” to the tune of “Whip It” by Devo.


  12. Avitable

    Karen, yup. I didn’t even get anything out of it.

    Karl, I should have done that as revenge right before Britt came home.

    Amanda, I’m sure she’ll let you borrow hers for a while.

    Bec, I deserve awesome things but I’m sure I’ll get shit.

    Mary, three times, actually.

    Jay, ooh, NyQuil. I’ll have to try that next time.

    Charissa, suuuure, laugh at my pain.

    Little LJ, bang your heads together, eh?

    Suebob, I know – they got to it first.

    BE Earl, down here in Florida, our grocery stores don’t have such funny names.

    Katie, sounds like the game these two were playing, too.

    Sarah, that would have been at 1:02. I couldn’t give them back until 6!

    Grant, how long do you have to have the IV?

    Janna, I’m definitely tranquilizing them next time.

    Lisa, best Sunday of my life. Or wait. No, I mean worst.

    Aunt Robin, they might have. I haven’t looked down there yet.

    Blondeblogger, I know – she hates me!

    Nat, this is typical.

    Hello, I do have bourbon here.

    Britt, evildoer!

    NYCWD, the code names are key.

    Bucky, okay, you win.

    SinisterDan, I don’t think it’s novel, but I’m not used to it being this painful!

    Sunshine, the scars she leaves are usually permanent, so they’re learning.

    Blondefabulous, yeah, trying to give her kids insulin would have scared me away too.

    LMSS, it was close!

    Selma, this is true. Adding poop to the equation would have been miserable.

    Maria, I thought you were going to say that it could have been your kids!

    Sybil, next time I’m using the duct tape first.

    Willie G, you make some excellent points, sir.

    Whole Lot of Nothing, next time I’ll pay someone to watch them for me but still volunteer so I look like the good guy.

    Dragon, I never lie. Only exaggerate.

    Em, only if they’re well-trained by an au pair.

    EE 3699, he didn’t want to bring a toddler into the mix?

  13. Grant

    It depends on which health care professional you ask. My last day has been scheduled for later this week, sometime next week, and not until I consult with the doctor who did this to me in the first place. I see him Thursday, and Odin only knows what he will say.

  14. Meg

    I think all kids from about age 12 through age 17 ought to have mandatory babysitting as a requirement for school. There would be a lot less teen pregnancy that way. Talk about birth control!

    Of course I’m sure Britt’s kiddos are really darlings and you are exaggerating for the sake of humor.

  15. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    Well, if you ever get brave enough to offer up babysitting, I’d totally let you babysit my kids. My son would watch lame sci-fi movies with you while my daughter played with your chest hair. She loves men, especially hairy ones. Go figure.

    What else did you expect from those kids? I mean, my gosh, Jared is their father. Geesh. I mean, they obviously didn’t get their spunk and attitude from their mom. Never. She’s a veritable angel. [I kid. I kid.]

  16. Hoosier Girl

    You are such a wimp. 2 cute little kids whipped your ass? Are you kidding me? :loser:

    You should take on a REAL challenge, like 3 teenagers and an 8 yr. old. Only the toughest survive!!! :banghead:

    Can’t wait for the show tomorrow night.

  17. Avitable

    TMP, laugh at my pain, will ya?

    Metalmom, heating duct? You remember that I live in Florida, right?

    Grant, Odin only knows? Well, he knows you’ll be Thor, that’s for sure.

    Bossy, your kids seem perfect.

    Penelope, what are you saying about Britt?

    Gwen, next time!

    Jen, that is possible.

    Turnbaby, so what you’re saying is that you’re old?

    Summer, I’d rather go on “The Baby Buriers”.

    Lynda, in a heartbeat!

    Meg, I babysat a lot during that age, but the kids were usually angels. And yeah, I’m exaggerating!

    Evil Genius, you ARE an evil genius!

    Heather, no, you can. As long as you don’t mind them being duct taped together.

    Mik, pretty much a regular Sunday.

    Stephanie, a blast.

    Manager Mom, that might just do the trick.

    Poppy, quiet you!

    Fantastagirl, so are they worse?

    Martymankins, it seems like the intelligent decision.

    Jeff, they did have a pair of scissors at one point . . .

    Sheila, so you would want me to babysit naked?

    HG, teenagers are easy. They don’t bruise quite as easily.

    BBM, girls are okay – it’s usually the boy who has problems.

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