I'm sorry babe.

 

My dearest Amy,

It's over.

The almost 10 years of friendship. The almost 7 years of marriage. Our time in Los Angeles. Our time with our awesome house in Florida.

I know that you never thought this day would come, but we have to abide by The List. You know The List, right? It's the one that you have that has Sean Connery and Timothy Hutton on it.

Well, the top of my list is available, and I have to bid you adieu. I'm off to Los Angeles to track down and profess my love to my raven-haired Jewish comedy goddess. She's single again!

I'm coming, Sarah Silverman!


And, of course, tomorrow is the second episode of "Clearly, you're retarded", a radio show pitting my beauty against Miss Britt's brawn. This week, we'll be discussing being open vs. being guarded. Listen to this week’s episode at 9pm EST or download last week’s to catch up at TalkShoe!

50 comments

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  1.  

    OMG you mean I will actually be available to listen to your 2nd show?! Seriously? Yaaay! That's just unheard of in my world. My kid will be gone until Thursday with grandma - so I can listen! Mostly uninterrupted (unless you guys make the man all horny again)!
    Oh - and Sarah - I'd totally hit that shit if I swung that way. She's hot.

    Comments by Sybil Law

    comment by Sybil Law Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 12:04 am

     

  2.  

    You're going to have to push me out of the way to get to Sarah. I've got a couple-state head start on you.

    Comments by delmer

    comment by delmer Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 12:09 am

     

  3.  

    You read Vanity Fair? Really? DID NOT see that one coming! :oD

    Comments by little_lj

    comment by little_lj Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 12:11 am

     

  4.  

    You're leaving Amy for Gorilla Girl?

    That makes sense.

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 12:17 am

     

  5.  

    from that vanity fair article:

    "With them, so has the faith of all those believed—as we did—that their union was the binding force that kept Hollywood from exploding in a mass chain reaction of irony and sexual frivolity."

    ive read this 8 times, and i get more confused every time i try to make sense of it.

    Comments by jared

    comment by jared Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 12:20 am

     

  6.  

    Sarah is hot. Very hot.

    Comments by Jay

    comment by Jay Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 12:41 am

     

  7.  

    When you say "I'm coming Sarah Silverman"......

    Comments by BlondeBlogger

    comment by BlondeBlogger Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 12:48 am

     

  8.  

    Man, I was so looking forward to Avitaween too...but now, I don't think I can make it if your new woman is going to be there. She bugs me. I'm sorry to say that about the love of your life...

    Comments by Hilly

    comment by Hilly Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 1:10 am

     

  9.  

    I met her once. She's really cute and squishable, but in a good way. See what you miss when you don't live in CA?

    Comments by Sarah

    comment by Sarah Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 1:36 am

     

  10.  

    Ha! I read that! But for some reason it escaped my mind you were crushing on SS. i thought you were all about Avril?

    Is there a list you can post that we can memorize?

    Comments by bluepaintred

    comment by bluepaintred Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 1:56 am

     

  11.  

    I have to admit that SS's boobage looks great in that photo.

    Comments by cajunvegan

    comment by cajunvegan Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 2:33 am

     

  12.  

    Hey, when you see her - can you ask her to put on a fucking bra?

    Thanks.

    Comments by Miss Britt

    comment by Miss Britt Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 7:56 am

     

  13.  

    I know I'm not the only person to key on this, but:

    "I'm coming, Sarah Silverman!"

    More or less ruined my morning...

    Comments by SinisterDan

    comment by SinisterDan Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 8:16 am

     

  14.  

    It's hard to resist us Jewish girls.

    Comments by Robin

    comment by Robin Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 8:17 am

     

  15.  

    I want to like her...I really do...I just can't get into the 'forced' funny. Bleah.

    Comments by Maria

    comment by Maria Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 8:25 am

     

  16.  

    Dude, can you ask her if she's still fucking Matt Damon? 'Cause I'd like me some of that. Kthnxbi!

    Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter

    comment by Coal Miner's Granddaughter Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 8:50 am

     

  17.  

    And while you're asking her things, find out if she's done with Matt Damon, too. And ask her if I can have him next. Thanks, Avi!

    Comments by Gwen

    comment by Gwen Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 9:03 am

     

  18.  

    There is that seven year itch thing...

    Comments by Been there Done that

    comment by Been there Done that Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 9:13 am

     

  19.  

    Wow. I don't know what I'm more shocked by... Jimmy and Sarah splitting up or Adam and Sarah together.

    Either way, those are some amazing tits.

    Comments by martymankins

    comment by martymankins Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 9:17 am

     

  20.  

    You realize you're still going to have to wait in line, right? I'm sure she's really going to be fucking Matt Damon now. ;-)

    Otherwise, happy hunting!

    Comments by kapgar

    comment by kapgar Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 9:32 am

     

  21.  

    I loves me some Sarah. Her grandpa lives near me and hangs out in my local Borders. I'll put in a good word for you.

    Comments by Finn

    comment by Finn Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 9:56 am

     

  22.  

    Uh.....yeah. Whatever. Good luck with that.

    Comments by blondefabulous

    comment by blondefabulous Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 10:24 am

     

  23.  

    She does look great in that photo. :)

    Comments by Bucky

    comment by Bucky Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 10:35 am

     

  24.  

    Sarah is a cutie. And she likes cheese, too!

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=ivSvkLc4WAo&feature=related

    Watch for it at the 4:30 mark.

    Comments by B.E. Earl

    comment by B.E. Earl Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 10:35 am

     

  25.  

    Well, why the hell did they break up?

    Comments by Em

    comment by Em Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 10:36 am

     

  26.  

    Why did I never notice her spectacular tits?

    Comments by metalmom

    comment by metalmom Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 10:38 am

     

  27.  

    why don't you keep amy and just have sarah join you?? adam, you can have it all, my friend! think big!

    Comments by hello haha narf

    comment by hello haha narf Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 10:55 am

     

  28.  

    Newsflash: Sarah Silverman is fucking Matt Damon.

    Last time I checked... you ain't Matt Damon

    Comments by NYCWD

    comment by NYCWD Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 11:07 am

     

  29.  

    That's a very flattering picture of her. I really like it when a girl pulls her hair back.

    Comments by Jeff

    comment by Jeff Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 11:13 am

     

  30.  

    Yeah, she's fucking Matt Damon again and Jimmy is now with Ben Affleck.

    Comments by Employee No. 3699

    comment by Employee No. 3699 Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 11:19 am

     

  31.  

    You would be trading down, my friend. But if you must go, have a good time begging.

    Comments by Dragon

    comment by Dragon Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 11:32 am

     

  32.  

    Dammit Dawg!! I was going to say that!

    Don't be leaving Amy just yet, Adam... wait until Sarah's over Matt!

    Comments by Vicious Vikki

    comment by Vicious Vikki Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 12:06 pm

     

  33.  

    Jesus Is Magic was hilarious!

    The Sarah Silverman Program is brilliant. Do you know if there's a new season starting, and when?

    I couldn't get through all the episodes of Greg the Bunny, and I didn't much like Someone To Eat Cheese With, but I love, love, love my Sarah.

    And even though I'm Canadian, I strongly believe that Avril is a distant runner-up. Good move choosing Sarah.

    Comments by Dawn

    comment by Dawn Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 2:40 pm

     

  34.  

    LMAO@Britt

    Oooo Amy's list is interesting!

    Comments by Turnbaby

    comment by Turnbaby Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 2:44 pm

     

  35.  

    Whoa I guess she fucked Matt Damon one too many times? Or do you think Jimmy and Ben are for keeps now? Either way. GO ADAM!!

    Comments by Kay

    comment by Kay Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 2:54 pm

     

  36.  

    Wow. What rock do I live under? I didn't know they were together...to tell you the truth, her face looked kinda familiar but the name.....nope. And I'm guessing the Matt Damon thing is some H-Wood inside joke? Cuz didn't his wife-y just have a baby?

    Comments by Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    comment by Sheila (Charm School Reject) Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 5:03 pm

     

  37.  

    Wow, she almost makes *my* list from that picture.

    Comments by whall

    comment by whall Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 5:13 pm

     

  38.  

    I am not going to tall you that she's sex011 Matt Damon, but wish you all the best. Just as a matter of interest other than Avril - who is the rest of your list?

    Comments by Bec

    comment by Bec Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 5:44 pm

     

  39.  

    If Harry Connick Jr ever breaks up with his former lingerie model wife Jill Goodacre? I'm so there.

    Comments by Meg

    comment by Meg Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 6:30 pm

     

  40.  

    Love last line of that piece about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck... hysterical.

    Comments by Nat

    comment by Nat Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 8:53 pm

     

  41.  

    Sorry dude, she's fucking Matt Damon.
    I try to like her, but.
    However...I do respect the boobage.

    And I may or may not want to squeeze.

    Maybe.

    Comments by Stephanie

    comment by Stephanie Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 11:18 pm

     

  42.  

    Okay since I just now went back and read the comments, it seems that I am deadhorse in regards to Matt Damon.

    I would, however, like to fuck Matt Damon.

    Comments by Stephanie

    comment by Stephanie Tuesday, July 15, 2008 @ 11:19 pm

     

  43.  

    Please, in the course of intercourse, do you think you could make her funny? I recognize what she does as humor, it just never makes me laugh.

    Help me, Avi-won. You're my only hope.

    Comments by golfwidow

    comment by golfwidow Wednesday, July 16, 2008 @ 9:50 am

     

  44.  

    she has nice boobies.

    Comments by Beth

    comment by Beth Wednesday, July 16, 2008 @ 6:45 pm

     

  45.  

    Sybil, I'm so glad you listened and called in!

    Delmer, I'm stronger than you, even if you are a hundred feet tall.

    Little LJ, why? I subscribe to about 20 different magazines.

    Amanda, so you'd be up for a threesome?

    Poppy, I told Amy that she was on my List!

    Jared, wow, that's like journalism 101 - write a sentence that makes sense!

    Jay, and funny - can't forget the funny.

    BlondeBlogger, I mean that I ejaculated all over the place.

    Hilly, WHAT? How can you not loooove her? She's awesome!

    Sarah, I used to live there. Now I'm sad.

    BPR, Avril is #2. The list also has Gwen Stefani, Kristen Bell, and Emma Watson.

    Cajunvegan, she's got a nice set, that is true.

    Britt, she's wearing a bra! Don't be jealous, fucker.

    SinisterDan, would it have been easier if I had said, "I'm masturbating right now, Sarah Silverman!"?

    Robin, this is true. I love Jewish princesses.

    Maria, forced? Have you ever watched Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic?

    Student Teacher, they're done now, too. He's back with Affleck.

    TrishK, sigh. Old people are funny.

    Heather, I'll take her and send Matt to you.

    Gwen, Heather called him first.

    BTDT, is that the one near my buttcrack? Because it keeps itching!

    Martymankins, you speak the truth.

    Kapgar, yeah, but I'm a celebrity on the Internet.

    Finn, ooh. Does she ever visit him?

    Blondefabulous, you don't like her?

    Bucky, she looks great in every photo. Especially the surveillance ones I have.

    BE Earl, yeah, I've seen that - it's a great monologue.

    Em, that is a good question. They actually seemed to do pretty well together.

    Metalmom, I hadn't brought them to your attention, clearly.

    Hello, too much effort!

    NYCWD, sure I am. Just squint a bit.

    Jeff, yes. Her hair. They're It's awesome.

    EE3699, I'm next in line.

    Dragon, yeah, you're probably right.

    Vikki, once she meets me, she'll forget all about Matt Who?

    Crystal, thanks.

    Dawn, I don't know when it's starting, but they do have another season.

    Turnbaby, her list is weird and creepy.

    Kay, all I care is that now's my shot.

    Sheila, do you live under a rock? Do a Youtube search for "fucking Matt Damon".

    Whall, almost?

    Bec, Gwen Stefani, Kristen Bell, Emma Watson, Tina Fey.

    Meg, but his face looks like a 90-year old boxer!

    Nat, yeah, I thought so, too.

    Stephanie, I never squeeze the boobs. I gently rub them.

    Golfwidow, have you seen Jesus is Magic? You should check it out.

    Angie, by SS you mean the German Schutzstaffel?

    Beth, and she's hilarious!

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Friday, July 18, 2008 @ 7:53 am

     

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