I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

I’m sorry babe.

My dearest Amy,

It’s over.

The almost 10 years of friendship. The almost 7 years of marriage. Our time in Los Angeles. Our time with our awesome house in Florida.

I know that you never thought this day would come, but we have to abide by The List. You know The List, right? It’s the one that you have that has Sean Connery and Timothy Hutton on it.

Well, the top of my list is available, and I have to bid you adieu. I’m off to Los Angeles to track down and profess my love to my raven-haired Jewish comedy goddess. She’s single again!

I’m coming, Sarah Silverman!


And, of course, tomorrow is the second episode of “Clearly, you’re retarded”, a radio show pitting my beauty against Miss Britt’s brawn. This week, we’ll be discussing being open vs. being guarded. Listen to this week’s episode at 9pm EST or download last week’s to catch up at TalkShoe!

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50 Replies to “I’m sorry babe.”

  1. Sybil Law

    OMG you mean I will actually be available to listen to your 2nd show?! Seriously? Yaaay! That’s just unheard of in my world. My kid will be gone until Thursday with grandma – so I can listen! Mostly uninterrupted (unless you guys make the man all horny again)!
    Oh – and Sarah – I’d totally hit that shit if I swung that way. She’s hot.

  2. jared

    from that vanity fair article:

    “With them, so has the faith of all those believed—as we did—that their union was the binding force that kept Hollywood from exploding in a mass chain reaction of irony and sexual frivolity.”

    ive read this 8 times, and i get more confused every time i try to make sense of it.

  3. Hilly

    Man, I was so looking forward to Avitaween too…but now, I don’t think I can make it if your new woman is going to be there. She bugs me. I’m sorry to say that about the love of your life…

  4. Dawn

    Jesus Is Magic was hilarious!

    The Sarah Silverman Program is brilliant. Do you know if there’s a new season starting, and when?

    I couldn’t get through all the episodes of Greg the Bunny, and I didn’t much like Someone To Eat Cheese With, but I love, love, love my Sarah.

    And even though I’m Canadian, I strongly believe that Avril is a distant runner-up. Good move choosing Sarah.

  5. Avitable

    Sybil, I’m so glad you listened and called in!

    Delmer, I’m stronger than you, even if you are a hundred feet tall.

    Little LJ, why? I subscribe to about 20 different magazines.

    Amanda, so you’d be up for a threesome?

    Poppy, I told Amy that she was on my List!

    Jared, wow, that’s like journalism 101 – write a sentence that makes sense!

    Jay, and funny – can’t forget the funny.

    BlondeBlogger, I mean that I ejaculated all over the place.

    Hilly, WHAT? How can you not loooove her? She’s awesome!

    Sarah, I used to live there. Now I’m sad.

    BPR, Avril is #2. The list also has Gwen Stefani, Kristen Bell, and Emma Watson.

    Cajunvegan, she’s got a nice set, that is true.

    Britt, she’s wearing a bra! Don’t be jealous, fucker.

    SinisterDan, would it have been easier if I had said, “I’m masturbating right now, Sarah Silverman!”?

    Robin, this is true. I love Jewish princesses.

    Maria, forced? Have you ever watched Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic?

    Student Teacher, they’re done now, too. He’s back with Affleck.

    TrishK, sigh. Old people are funny.

    Heather, I’ll take her and send Matt to you.

    Gwen, Heather called him first.

    BTDT, is that the one near my buttcrack? Because it keeps itching!

    Martymankins, you speak the truth.

    Kapgar, yeah, but I’m a celebrity on the Internet.

    Finn, ooh. Does she ever visit him?

    Blondefabulous, you don’t like her?

    Bucky, she looks great in every photo. Especially the surveillance ones I have.

    BE Earl, yeah, I’ve seen that – it’s a great monologue.

    Em, that is a good question. They actually seemed to do pretty well together.

    Metalmom, I hadn’t brought them to your attention, clearly.

    Hello, too much effort!

    NYCWD, sure I am. Just squint a bit.

    Jeff, yes. Her hair. They’re It’s awesome.

    EE3699, I’m next in line.

    Dragon, yeah, you’re probably right.

    Vikki, once she meets me, she’ll forget all about Matt Who?

    Crystal, thanks.

    Dawn, I don’t know when it’s starting, but they do have another season.

    Turnbaby, her list is weird and creepy.

    Kay, all I care is that now’s my shot.

    Sheila, do you live under a rock? Do a Youtube search for “fucking Matt Damon”.

    Whall, almost?

    Bec, Gwen Stefani, Kristen Bell, Emma Watson, Tina Fey.

    Meg, but his face looks like a 90-year old boxer!

    Nat, yeah, I thought so, too.

    Stephanie, I never squeeze the boobs. I gently rub them.

    Golfwidow, have you seen Jesus is Magic? You should check it out.

    Angie, by SS you mean the German Schutzstaffel?

    Beth, and she’s hilarious!

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