I bought an electric staple gun this past weekend.
It was with no small amount of trepidation that I did so. The last time I handled any equipment that fired sharp projectiles at high speeds was when I was 14, in 1991. I was visiting my grandparents in Braintree, and my parents had foolishly let me and my siblings explore unfettered.
The basement was a pirate's cave filled with bounty as far as the eye could see. Every tool you could imagine, old toys, electronics, nails, bolts, screws, blades, knives - everything an adolescent boy could hope for. The buzzing of the electric tools, all plugged in, of course, resonated through my head, in tune with my excitement.
I picked up the tool closest to me, a hefty nail gun that was probably made in the sixties. I raised it to eye level and aimed it at a part of the wall that was ten or so feet in front of me. The trigger felt awkward in my hand, but my finger squeezed around it until it fired.
The nail didn't hit the wall in front of me. There was one main reason for this, and that was because I was holding the gun backwards. The barrel was actually pointed directly at my head. At a speed that felt supersonic, the nail whipped past my ear, lightly scratching it, and buried itself in the wall behind me with a cartoony "THWONGGGGGKK" sound that is usually associated with an arrow hitting its target.
My knees felt weak, and the realization that I almost spent the rest of my life eating out of a straw and wearing a special helmet overwhelmed me. I slowly made my way upstairs and decided to lay down for a bit.
As I unpacked my new electric staple gun this weekend, I was very careful. I clearly identified the front and back of the gun and made sure to keep the front pointed away from me at all times.
I loaded it with staples and plugged it in.
"Do you have the staple gun ready?" My friend Clown asked.
"Yup. It's plugged in, but I don't know if it's turned on. It's not humming or anything, so I can't even tell how to–" I pulled the trigger in mid-sentence.
"THUNK." The staple flew across the room and hit the wall a few scant inches from his body.
I think I'll just stick to a hammer and nails from now on.
Don't forget! Tonight at 9 PM EST, Britt and I will have angry word sex on air during our Episode Two of "Clearly, you're retarded!" We'll be discussing the different between being open and being guarded in all walks of life. You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!
Go vote for me on Humor-Blogs.com.
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You're so manly and tough
Comments by Amanda
You would have failed shop class dude.
Comments by Jay
I am so glad to hear that! (That you're going to stick with hammers and nails, that is.)
Hopefully you can get nailed the good way with Amy - or Sarah, whoever it is. :)
Comments by Sybil Law
Also, how did you disappear off my Google reader?!
Comments by Sybil Law
OMG. I'm so shocked every time you reference it, how young you are.
Ok I'm over it now.
You should stick to letting Amy handle the power tools.
Comments by Fogspinner
When it comes to nail guns and electric staple guns, clearly you're retarded!
Comments by B.E. Earl
I did something similar with a manual staple gun. It was a new ergonomic type that looked backwards - the staples came out the fat end, the small part was the rear. Being too manly to read the instructions, I grabbed it and went to work. I wondered where my first three staples went, then found them embedded in my palm. I pulled them out and continued working, but the manly kind of man I am, but had to stop because I was bleeding all over the place.
Comments by Grant
Heh, you need to be videoing your prop-making antics.
Comments by Karl
When you do shoot yourself in the finger, it stings a bit, but holy fucking hell, when they grasp the staple with their special staple grabbing pully things you will writhe on the floor in agony. There is normal pain, like childbirth. Or like being eaten an inch an hour by a crocodile, or lighting yourself on fire. repeatedly, and then there is the pain of having a staple removed from your bone.
Trust me. stick with the nail and hammer
Comments by bluepaintred
Is this in preparation for Avitable Halloween?
Comments by Dave2
OMG! Too funny!
I don't think you would have been a veggie. I saw a CNN piece on a guy who had a metal rod lodged in his head and he's a-ok. Now when someone touches his scar, he loses feeling in his front teeth.
Comments by blondefabulous
I don't even like the thought of you with a hammer and nails.
Comments by Soapy Nethers
Look! You wrote something funny!
Your blogging bad streak is over!
(Not that there really was one, but you said there was...
oh, nevermind.)
I'll be listening tonight barring unforseens.
Comments by Poppy
(unforEseens)
Comments by Poppy
You be careful! Also, I think I might tune in - I think I'm much too guarded and maybe you two can help. You never know, you might.
Comments by Gwen
Oh dear! I'm truly afraid now of you even handling a hammer and nails. What if you have the nail upside down? And then when you hit it with the wrong side of the hammper it flips up between those prongey things? And then the nail hits you right between the eyes?
I think you should hire some carpentry help.
Comments by trishk
please tell me that you are only joking, that this was for blog humor's sake. pleeeeeze...
(p.s. looking forward to tonight. if you can keep me awake. me tired.)
Comments by hello haha narf
You were 14 in 1991? I hate you.
Comments by Finn
Good Lord Dude, I'm old enough to be your mother! Now listen to Mother. PUT DOWN THAT NAIL GUN! YOU COULD PUT SOMEBODY'S EYE OUT!
Comments by Little Miss Sunshine State
You've just trumped the saga of the flare gun Brian Johnson brought to school in The Breakfast Club.
Comments by golfwidow
I've never quite understood how people of obvious intelligence can be so spastic with a power tool. You don't seem to have issues with your non-power tool. What gives?
Comments by Willie G
I'm so hopelessly incompetent with this sort of things that I waste tons of my money hiring people.
But I did once break my hand while plumbing, so I have good cause.
Don't kill yourself.
Comments by SinisterDan
Ahh.. this reminds me of the time I nearly stabbed myself in the eye at my brother's 3rd birthday party. Do NOT EVER run speedily towards your mother when she is holding the knife for cutting the cake. EVER.
I had to lay down for a while after realising what might have been after that too.
Comments by little_lj
Are you sure you shouldn't let someone else handle the hammer and nails too?
Okay so this talkshoe thing is this a one time deal... like if I'm say... busy at that time can I hear it later?
Comments by Em
Well, if that nail had hit you in 1991, it would have explained a whole lot.
Comments by Dragon
Once I read "nail gun" I knew this would be bad, at least usually when you get yourself into trouble others don't get hurt.
Comments by Robin
I had a 3 hour block of shop class in my senior year of High School (1997) to learn this stuff so I wouldn't be another statistic of power tool death.
Well, that and I was too stupid to pass any other class.
Comments by Bucky
LMAO!!! The only thing funnier than the idea of you with a staple gun is someone I know with a jigsaw.
Are you sure you didn't pick up a nail back then ;-)
Comments by turnbaby
I kinda love it that you aren't power tool savvy.
Comments by Sarah
Oh that reminds me of something horrific when I was a kid. My brother and I were fighting, I climbed up a tree all the while taunting him and that lil bastard threw a small pitchfork at me and it stuck in the bottom of my foot!! No joke, STUCK. OH!!!!! The whole concept was wayyy worse than the pain itself.
Comments by misi
"When I was 14 in 1991"
OK, you know what? You can just suck it you young whippersnapper! Grrrr.
Oh, and? I don't even think I would trust you with an old-fashioned nail and hammer. Especially when Britt has PMS. :)
Glad you and Clown were unhurt.
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Jabeezus. If you get THAT het up with the power tools, maybe you should pop a Xanax before your next home improvement project.
Comments by manager mom
Do big boy toys come with instructions? Anyway, I'm just dropping in to say hi and cause I told Janelle I would. You were only 14 in 1991?!?! For the love of God, when did I get old
Comments by Becky
So I'm reading all these comments that say how young you are because you were only 14 in 1991. I was 4 in 1991, I feel like such a kid now.
Comments by Sarah
Oh two children, why did you ruin my bladder so? I almost had an accident reading this one. Thought you'd appreciate that little TMI Tidbit.
@Becky : If it makes you feel any better, I was, um, six/seven, in 1991.
Comments by Sheila (Charm School Reject)
Amanda, I know - I'm like a hairy lesbian!
Jay, definitely.
Sybil, have I still disappeared off your Google Reader?
Fogspinner, I'm old now - once you hit 30, it's all over.
BE Earl, or anything construction-related.
Grant, I stop because I'm bleeding constantly.
Karl, I've just now started to document them photographically.
BPR, I do not want to learn your lesson!
Dave, yes it is. We've built a few props so far. And as soon as Liquid finished her damn design, I'll have a post!
Blondefabulous, I like my front teeth!
Soapy, yeah, that's already a bad idea.
Poppy, you listened but didn't chat, did you?
Gwen, I'm glad you listened!
TrishK, I should just hire Mexicans.
Hello, nope - it's totally true.
Finn, why do you hate me? Because I'm so old?
LMSS, no more tools for me.
Golfwidow, I've only seen that movie once.
WillieG, I just don't have the common sense necessary. You should see me with a circular saw!
SinisterDan, I usually hire people, too.
LittleLJ, you would have been next to me in the retard ward.
Em, you can download it and listen to it later, even on iTunes.
Dragon, maybe it did and I blocked it out.
Robin, that's true - I'm usually the only real victim.
Bucky, they didn't teach shop in my high school, I don't think.
Turnbaby, I'm sure - the jigsaw is fabulously dangerous.
Sarah, I'm only good with one tool.
Misi, wow that sucks!
Heather, I ended up finding the staple last night by having it stick out of my leg.
Manager Mom, then we'd be in real trouble!
Becky, I don't know, but I'm old too.
Sarah, you are a kid, but it's okay. I like kids. Yes, in that way.
Sheila, having kids just fucks up your body for life, doesn't it?
Comments by Avitable
I had to put you back ON my reader. I still don't know WTF happened, there! I was all, "Where my Avitable updates at?", and had to redo it. Just you.
Spoooky.
Comments by Sybil Law