For today's post, I'm dusting off a classic post of mine, originally posted here. Enjoy:
Warning! If you are a family member or someone who knew me in elementary school, you don't want to read this. Trust me. You do not want to read this.
In fact, none of you probably want to read this. But the rest of you don't have a choice.
And yes, this is true.
I attended a small private Christian school from first grade through eighth. You've seen my first grade photo, so you get a sense of how small the school was.
In 1988, I was in sixth grade. My math class was split into beginner and intermediate, and I was in the intermediate, along with two girls. We had a test one day, which I finished in about ten minutes, as was typical. The two girls would take the entire hour, which was also typical.
So, since I was done early, I got to go to the library and read. Our library was a small room with about 10-15 shelves of books and a series of long tables between them. I went to the library, and the librarian wasn't there - probably at lunch. I looked around, and found a book that I had never seen before. It was something related to National Geographic, I think. And it had nudity!
I start reading it while sitting at the table there and, well, I was 11, so I got a hard-on. Since nobody was there, I just started jerking off like a little monkey.
Basically, I'm pushing back in my chair so I'm only on the back two legs, holding the book with one hand, and masturbating with the other.
...
So, of course, the librarian walks in. She doesn't see me, but I see her!
I try to stop, but I was basically just about done masturbating. So, in my rush, I lose my balance.
Fall over backwards.
Smack into a bookcase.
Knock the bookcase over.
At the same time, I ejaculate. The arc of my penis, along with falling, means that the come manages to hit me right in my own face, right before I hit the ground.
So, I immediately roll over face down on the floor and pretend like I'm hurt. The librarian runs to go get the nurse.
At the same time, I'm rubbing my face and exposed crotch on the carpet of the library, trying to wipe off everything. Then I zip up my pants and hide the book with the nudity so that they have no idea.
By the time they came back, I was sitting back down, looking a little red (and raw) in the face, holding my head, saying I was fine. I had also pulled out a Bible and laid it out on the table as if I had been reading that instead.
The two ladies put the bookcase back up, stare at the strange new spot on the carpet for a second, but then dismiss it and go back to their normal duties. And I sat there for the remainder of the hour and read the Bible.
And that's what happened in 1988.
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Erm.. wow. Well done?
I think the horrifying visuals are the best part of this story.
Comments by Lisa
Funny.
I also have a story about a library in 1988...but I was a senior in high school...and not alone...and there was a wet spot...wait...
Comments by Stephanie
I was 4 in '88, I don't remember it so well
Comments by Amanda
I feel really pathetic, since in 1988 I was in 6th grade as well, and had no idea about masturbation
Comments by Crystal
Oh those two ladies knew what that spot on the carpet was. It was probably routine for them to tell the janitor that there was a stain to clean up in the library.
My freshman year of college there was a guy who lived in my dorm (a senior) who was arrested for jackin it in the library. Then his roommate was arrested for peeping in the windows of one of the sorority houses. Yeah, I got the cool dorm.
Comments by Jay
So the point of the story is that you are better at math than any two stupid girls, right?
Or did I miss something there at the end?
Comments by B.E. Earl
Holy shit, that was so funny I almost peed myself! I have quite the visual in my head now. Hope I don't have nightmares....
Comments by Becky
In 1988 I was in Barstow getting knocked up. And this is the first real story I've heard about someone jacking off to National Geographic. Did you like the Sears catalog too? Heh.
Comments by Winter
You have to be falling over to hit yourself in the face? Practice, my good man. You need more it seems.
Comments by Freelance Guru
1 Kings 21:23 is also good for jacking off.
Comments by Grant
So was that your first case of sex related rug burn...I think I'd much rather have it on my knees than my wanker.
Comments by Trukindog
I graduated from high school in 1988.
And I'm still not too old to "knock over a few bookcases" now and then.
Of course, since I'm pitifully single and live alone, I have to knock over my own bookcases in a room by myself, while sobbing and listening to various forms of wildlife screwing outside my bedroom window.
Good thing I grew up perfectly normal, huh?
Ooooh, look! Batteries!
Comments by Janna
I have nothing witty to say because I am just too busy laughing.
Comments by Sarah
Heh, that's pretty funny. I've masturbated in libraries myself. Isn't that normal?
Comments by Karl
hahahaha. In '88 I was watching Sesame Street and celebrating my 3rd bday. And also, this is basically the funniest thing I've read all day.
Comments by Shamelessly Sassy
Was the guy that did There's Something About Mary there with you? Sounds like a classic bit of "inspiration".
Comments by manager mom
Wow, All I did in 1988 was graduate High school. You did way more then me.
Comments by libragirl
Tiny little school like that, and it had carpet on the floor? I had 450+ kids in my graduating class and dirty linoleum in the library. Lucky you.
Comments by golfwidow
Comments by blondefabulous
For today's comment, I'm dusting off a classic comment of mine, originally posted here. Enjoy:
You named your penis Hermione? Why? Ah I get it, because it's always stuck in books.
Do you call your balls Harry and Ron? They always hang by Hermione's side you know...
Comments by Mike
Sheesh in 1988 I was married to Not a Grampy and had two children and we were transferring to North Carolina.
This is why I always taught my children to sit with all four chair legs on the ground!!
Comments by Trishk
That's some funny shit...except for the part about you being in 6th grade in 1988. I graduated from high school in 1988. You are such a baby...I had no idea! You little punkinhead. BTW...you were STYLIN' in the first grade.
Comments by Tracy
I'm going to ignore the fact that you were 11 in 1988 and just say that was hysterical. But now I'm thinking that Lil' M will be 10 this year. And he loves to read.
Comments by Finn
Awww, how sweet of you to dust off your penis just for us.
And next time, aim for your ear. That way you can hear who's coming.
Comments by Kris
Your school sounds an awful lot like my daughter's school. Now I will be eyeing the 6th - 8th graders like they're a bunch of perverts!(Luckily, she's going into first grade. Although, last year, a first grader showed her his penis. Oh God.)
This might've been an oldie, but it still makes me laugh and laugh.
Comments by Sybil Law
Boys are so weird and gross.
Comments by A Whole Lot of Nothing
That's it. My boys aren't allowed to go into libraries anymore.
Comments by Karen Sugarpants
I'm thinking I am SO lucky I'm not a guy. I would not have survived puberty without several of those stories myself.
Comments by TSM
It's nice to leave a little DNA behind wherever you go.
Comments by CP
Like fine wine this story gets even better with some age.
Comments by Turnbaby
I am torn. Part of me is laughing hysterically and the other part is weeping because I graduated from college in 1988.
Comments by maman
You know what's weird???
I was reading some chick's blog and she wrote a post about stumbling upon some guy masturbating in the library...hmmmm....
Comments by student teacher (mcat)
Wow. You were a brave little eleven year old. I was too terrified of getting caught.
So, right on your face, huh? Did you like it? I don't know, I may just be guessing, but I've heard some people kind of like that. (Not me—no way—yuck—that's gross—oh I'm so horny right now.)
Comments by Jason
In 88 I was 22, fuck, do I now feel old.
So how long before you went back to the library?
Comments by Mik
So I'm sat outside enjoying the wonderful tales on my feedreader and I get to yours, laugh at the title and begin to read. Sniggering away to myself the world disappears. My first indication of my mother reading over my shoulder is her loud 'Ewwww' followed by a 'What the hell are you reading?' with a swift 'Is this what you blog people write about?'
I confirmed that yes, this was standard fare, therefore guarateeign she will never ever read my blog.
Avitable, you beautiful bastard, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Comments by Bec
Wow. You seem to have been able to coordinate wipeage and book swiping even while possibly injured and simultaneously turned on. Fantastic multitasking.
What I´m wondering is what these memories are filed away under? First sexual experiences? First religious experiences?
Thanks for sharing.
Comments by Bluestreak
Already read it yesterday but have been laughing to hard pissing myself to leave a comment...
Hilarious! Thanks for sharing, babe... LOL
Comments by DutchBitch
ah, an oldie but such SUCH a goodie.
Comments by Crys
Your school was too small to have a bathroom?
Comments by Fantasy Writer Guy
that is BY FAR the most seriously F*ED Story I have EVER heard (or read, I suppose).
Comments by Faiqa Khan
this was hilARious right up to the point where i re-read 1988. dude, i am older than you. that's a fly in the ointment...
okay i won't panic. it was bound to happen at some point, i just hoped i'd be 40 first. 40 is a long long long way away. it's way more than 2 years away.
way more.
Comments by hollydolly
Didn't the "stuff" get caked in your beard? I hate it when that happens.
Comments by Donnie
Lisa, they were indeed horrifying.
Stephanie, you peed in the library, didn't you?
Amanda, great, thanks for making me feel old!
Crystal, well, you didn't have a penis!
Jay, I did both of those things in college.
BE Earl, nope. That's pretty much it!
Becky, nightmares or fantasies!
Winter, see today's post.
Freelance Guru, oh, now I'm an expert.
Grant, I'd literally be a Biblethumper.
Trukindog, my first and not my last!
Janna, wildlife screwing, eh? Sounds sexy.
Sarah, I embarrass myself for everyone's amusement!
Karl, I think so. Libraries are fun places to masturbate.
Sassy, great, another person who wants to make me feel old.
Manager Mom, I should sue!
Libragirl, oh, I'm sure you did more than that.
Golfwidow, we had a nice building there.
Blondefabulous, I bet your wet spot wasn't quite as nasty!
Mike, that's a classic comment, too.
TrishK, my mom tried to teach me that, too, but the lesson didn't stick until 1988.
Tracy, I was a cutie. And gay.
Finn, I started jerking off around 9/10. Better watch out!
Kris, hahaha - very nice.
Sybil, they are a bunch of perverts!
Angie, and hot. And awesome.
Karen, oh, you can't stop the masturbation!
TSM, I've got plenty of them, too.
CP, so they can clone me if they want.
Turnbaby, I should post it annually.
Maman, wow, you're old! :)
Student Teacher, hmmmmmm, I wonder!
Jason, I just hate when it gets in my eyes.
Mik, it was a few weeks!
Bec, so your mom doesn't want to meet me?
Bluestreak, first rug burn.
DB, if you pee yourself, you'll leave your own wet spot.
Crys, definitely a goodie!
Fantasy Writer Guy, couldn't bring the book into the bathroom with me!
Faiqa, what, you can't say "fucked up"? You can say it here, I promise.
Hollydolly, I'm a spring chicken!
Donnie, I didn't have a beard at 11. Yet.
Comments by Avitable
that's gotta be the filthiest true (i hope) story i've ever read.
i'm very sheltered.
Comments by muskrat