Clearly, You're Retarded was the radio show with Adam Avitable and Britt Reints

Pornucopia – Porn of Plenty


Thanks to those of you who tuned in for Episode 4 of “Clearly, you’re retarded”. The topic we discussed was whether or not porn objectifies women. If you missed it, you can download it (and should download it) here, or find it as a podcast through iTunes here, or just listen using the widget in my sidebar. It was an interesting hour – you don’t want to miss it!

So, on the porntastic topic of pornography, I tried to make the point that for many men, porn is just a jumpstart to the fantasy that plays out in our heads. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be porn – it could be literally anything acting as the catalyst. To further prove my point, I have decided to list just some of the non-pornographic items I have used to fantasize when spanking the bishop (and as a disclaimer, let me say that some of these were when I was relatively young, so I wasn’t some old leering pedophile at the time):

  • Lingerie section of the Sears Catalog
  • Kitchen section of the Sears Catalog
  • Victoria’s Secret catalog
  • Spiegel catalog
  • National Geographic
  • Judy Blume books
  • Anne of Green Gables
  • Little House on the Prairie
  • Shel Silverstein’s cartoons
  • MAD Magazine
  • Box of tampons
  • Massengill Summer’s Eve Douche Package
  • Teen Beat magazine
  • Ad for “massager” in back of magazine
  • Physician’s Desk Reference
  • Conde Nast Travel magazine
  • Vanity Fair magazine
  • Entertainment Weekly magazine
  • Liz Phair’s Exile to Guyville CD booklet
  • Madonna’s Justify my Love CD booklet
  • Dirty Jokes book
  • Cracked Magazine
  • Martha Stewart
  • Guess Jeans advertisement
  • KIDS Incorporated
  • Car’s license plate
  • Goonies
  • Leisure Suit Larry video game
  • Police Quest video game
  • 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
  • Superman comic book
  • US Weekly photo book
  • L. Frank Baum’s Oz books

What strange and unusual things have you used?

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54 Replies to “Pornucopia – Porn of Plenty”

  1. Sybil Law

    I’ll bet I know what part of “100 Years of Solitude” you jerked it to…
    And none of the others surprises me. Honestly, guys get aroused over anything. But the kitchen thing confuses me, too. What about it? I must know!
    I can’t believe you left out movies. “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”?! Everyone loved Phoebe Cates!

  2. TSM

    Well, there was that first time when I found a book called “Army Camp Vamp” in my stepdad’s closet. That pretty much started my masturbating career.

    *Soap Operas
    *Movies with hot love scenes
    *Movies with “taboo” love scenes
    *Rachel Ray (she just happened to be on when I woke up one morning ‘in the mood’…WHAT?)

  3. Bluestreak

    god, yes, men and women definitely different in this sense. I don´t think I can get aroused by looking at anything in two dimensions.

    Ok, the kitchen catalog thing I just don´t get. Box of tampons, I can understand if you´re looking at the little diagram of see-through woman and the vagina and shit. Or was it looking at the actual tampons that got you going? That might be much weirder.

  4. Crys

    is music strange and unusual? probably not. but that sort of gets me there, for sure.

    just my mind, i guess. i write, which perhaps makes it easier for me to fictionalize or fantasize. i’ve got a solid five or six fantasies in that mental rolodex of mine. they’re hot.

  5. Hoosier Girl

    Are you saying you’re an old leering pedophile NOW? Just wondering……

    I totally agreed with your point last night: men need visual stimulation (usually) or at least auditory (phone sex)….women can just close their eyes and fantasize. But then women are more likely to have toys….men just need their hands (at least I think that’s the case).

    Interesting show last night. I wanted to call in, but I called in last week. I thought it should be someone else’s turn. Besides, I would have had to say to Britt at some point that your perspective on these issues DOES change with age.

    Good show.
    J.

  6. SciFi Dad

    I wanted to stop by and say that I agreed with what you were trying to say last night.

    OK… one weird thing (well not that weird after reading your list) is the Nicole Kidman photo in the Batman Forever Soundtrack CD booklet.

  7. Winter

    Nothing weird at all. Just my own imagination which is weird enough given all the vamps and weres that populate my head. BTW, Liz has an anniversary Guyville reissue for sale. You should see the trailer on her website, she’s cursing up a storm. That should be worth a spank or two.

  8. Em

    I can’t think of anything strange or unusual that I’ve used for inspiration. I have a really good imagination, which is usually all I need. But I like erotic fiction and movies too. Yours is an entertaining list though.

  9. Grant

    I got in trouble in jr. high for putting pictures from the SI swimsuit edition in my locker. Since then, I stick with safe whacking material like the picture strip on the right side of your blog. Do you have one of yourself wearing bunny ears?

  10. Donnie

    Speaking of Librarians (I know, I know…it was a different post)…I used to use the yearbook. I’d also lay out in the back yard and look up at the clouds. You’d be surprised how often those clouds look like titties or vaginas. I had a pup tent when I was a kid and if you looked at the “door” when it was part way opened…

    And then there was my Mom’s Jamaican Jerk Chicken cook book…just the name of the thing gave me bone. :bukkake:

  11. martymankins

    Cracked and MAD for me as a teen. Some of those drawings were done very well.

    Of course, we also had access to the real stuff… Penthouse, Playboy, Oui and Hustler, thanks to the nice old japanese guy that ran the corner market.

  12. Avitable

    BTDT, well, I was a small child, and it was more about the directions on the back.

    Amanda, to be honest, it was a drawing of her all busty and stuff.

    DebbieS, exactly! It’s just like Jack MeHoff’s magazine.

    Becky, well, it was a hot model standing in the kitchen, if I remember correctly.

    Fantastagirl, as a 10-year old, it was reading about what they were for that was exciting. Vaginas!

    Danalyn, c’mon, she’s hot!

    Jay, yeah, Cosmo’s another good one.

    Sybil, well, I was leaving out actual nude scenes in movies – there were plenty of those, too.

    Mik, the former, not the latter.

    Freelance, how about Simpsons slash art?

    TSM, Rachel Ray’s kinda hot.

    Bluestreak, it was the directions and diagram.

    Todd, I totally knew that.

    Crystal, plus those pictures I sent you of my testicles.

    Britt, you haven’t seen the unabridged list. “Surveillance photos of Britt” is on there.

    Bucky, she’d be good, and I think everyone knows it.

    HG, you could have called in – we love repeat callers! We’ll be having a show discussing age soon, so that will also be a good forum for you.

    Turnbaby, I don’t mix my fantasties!

    Poppy, oh yeah – I should have listed some of the music videos, like Madonna’s “Express Yourself”.

    SciFi Dad, thanks for the visit and the comment! And she was smoking in that – I know the exact picture you’re talking about.

    Winter, it wasn’t the swearing. It was her face, actually.

    Finn, the spleen.

    Hello, I bet you do!

    Em, most of these are when I was between the ages of 10-17.

    Grant, I’ll take one just for you.

    BE, yeah it was! And I hacked Police Quest so they were all naked.

    NYCWD, I’ve never seen that catalog.

    TMP, be careful – some people think freaks is a bad word and then they get all butthurt!

    Dragon, I’m not sure what it was about that book, but something!

    Donnie, clouds, eh?

    Heather, oh, you know you love it.

    Robin, they were good stuff.

    Bridget, that was some hot shit.

    Sheila, she’s hot, admit it!

    Karl, my mom didn’t get those catalogs, so I never used them.

    BPR, I don’t think I’ve ever jacked off to a cornucopia.

  13. Mari

    Sweet baby Jesus. How do you find the time to work? Though I must applaud your dedication to all things porn.
    While there are plenty of naughty bits running around in my head, I have to admit that I love me some Erotica. Oh, and nasty porn flicks. And xtube.
    How ’bout that! A girl that digs porn! :sex014:

  14. Donnie

    Nope…just clouds. Never had the opportunity to do that in Canada. (Lets put the Canada question to rest…you may feel however you do about the war in Iraq and I am sure that we would agree on our feelings about a great deal of what has gone on there, what is going on there and what will go on there. My feelings on the “move to Canada” comment are my feelings and I shall keep them to myself from this point forward. I truly enjoy reading your blog and will continue to do so until you figure out some way to block me from it if you so desire. Rock on Avit, you big, harry beast!)

    Also a half eaten twinkie and that Chuck Norris lift your own weight commercial…Brinkley splits and moans will do it every time.

  15. Avitable

    Mari, well, this isn’t stuff I use regularly – just over the last 20 years.

    Em, thanks for listening and downloading it!

    Jason, oh, good one!

    PP, next time? Should be every time!

    Stephanie, I like dolphins, but only as friends.

    Donnie, sounds good to me.

  16. fracas

    So you know… I have a Food Porn feature every Friday, and I’m pretty sure there are a couple of Lo-Quats and a pair of Kohlrabis that you might be able to add to that list. Hmmm. Come to think of it, the tomatoes stand a chance too…

  17. Ok, Where Was I?

    I would also do Martha Stewart.

    Your list, as is typical, is hilarious. The tampons and the kitchen supplies seem to be the winners here. And anything I could add would definitely pale in comparison.

    Ha, ha about “this post” and nothing illegal above.

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