1. Don't sit in front of the heat-generating computer.
2. Swim in the pool.
3. Go to the movies.
4. Hang out at friends' houses whose air conditioning is not broken.
5. Actually turn your computer off for once, even though it usually stays on 24/7.
6. Pray for snow.
7. Drive around in your air conditioned car a lot.
8. Come back to your house after 11 at night and quickly write a post before succumbing to heat exhaustion.
9. Cry yourself to sleep on top of your sheets with enough fans going to create a wind tunnel, plus place ice packs in strategic locations. Dream about sleeping in a volcano.
Archive for July, 2008
How to survive a July weekend in Florida without air conditioning
Monday, July 21st, 2008Lazy Sunday XLVII
Sunday, July 20th, 2008
Welcome to the 47th Edition of Lazy Sunday!
Last week was the SciFi Edition, and a few answers might cause some debate. First, the answer to #3 was the original Alien, but most people said Aliens, which was the sequel. Am I remembering that wrong, or wasn't the first Alien the one where she was hanging out with the Marines and Paul Reiser in her panties? Another debatable one was #4 – being very, very allergic to water. The answer was not Alien Nation. I would have said "salt water". The answer is Signs. Another hard one was #9. The answer is Return of the Jedi, because that's when they find out they're brother and sister. Finally, #12, the Galaxy of Terror one, was about Futurama, which had an episode that mentioned the Galaxy of Terror (when Fry accidentally drank the Emperor). Nobody guessed that one! Oh, and congratulations to Metalmom, who was the only one to correctly guess that #14 was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!
This week's prize is a 6-pack sampler of gourmet popcorn from Dale & Thomas Popcorn!
Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.
The rules:
It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!
The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.
Ready? Here we go!
1. Have you ever really cried your heart out?
Once, when a girl threw water on me after I got out of the pool.
2. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
No, but I've puked to a musical crescendo.
3. Do you cry when you get an injury?
Only when my finger got cut off in the door.
4. What can always make you happy?
The girls over at Dante's.
5. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
Well, she did catch fire, but I'm used to it.
6. Anyone besides your friends/family ever said they loved you?
Only when I make everything groovy.
7. Are you in a relationship?
No – the moth guy and I are just partners.
8. Who do you actually hate?
Nazis. And rats.
9. Are you a mean bully?
Nope. Once I hurl the kid into the air, he usually leaves everyone alone.
10. Do you wish you could be someone else?
A prince who is moving to Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma.
11. What is your current hair color?
Half blond, half blackened.
12. Have you ever been on the phone until the sun came up?
No. The last time I saw the sun come up, almost 220 years ago, there were no phones.
13. Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Two boys on bikes. One gave me a shirt.
14. Who was the last person who made you laugh?
Johnny, doing one of his usual characters.
15. Do you get along with your parents?
I did, until my mom died and my dad didn't tell me!
And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
(more…)
Dr. Horrible
Saturday, July 19th, 2008If you're a fan of Joss Whedon. If you're a fan of musicals. If you like Neil Patrick Harris. If you enjoy comedy. If you're not a retard.
You'll want to go watch the three episodes of Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog while they're free.
Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog
My problem with BlogHer
Friday, July 18th, 2008Female bloggers make up the majority of personal bloggers online. They control more advertising dollars and they dominate the blogosphere.
Having a conference and a community dedicated to the strength of the majority just doesn't seem right. It's like if there was a BlogWhite if Caucasians made up the majority of personal bloggers. Plenty of people would have a problem with that, but nobody sees the irony here.
Couples with no children have more disposable income than parents, yet there's no site for them to explore revenue generation or opportunities to try new products. Single men are more likely to be the early adopters of new, expensive technology, yet they're completely ignored. It's just stupid.
I'd like to change that. I want to come up with a site that actually represents the minority of bloggers out there – the childless couples, the single men, and even the single women. This site would try to attract advertisers who are looking for high disposable income, early adoption of technology, and a market that has the potential to be more lucrative than the mommyblogging set.
In sales, a childless couple (or an older couple with adult children) is called a DINK. Dual Income No Kids. The site I'm thinking of starting would be called DINKBloggers.com. Right now it just points to my site, but eventually, I'd like to create a community that could result in revenue generation for all of its members.
I'd be interested to hear everyone's thoughts on this concept, good or bad. All I ask is that they be constructive.
Being guarded
Thursday, July 17th, 2008Thanks to those of you who tuned in for last night's episode of "Clearly, you're retarded". The topic we discussed was being open vs. being guarded in life. You can download it (and should download it) here, or find it as a podcast through iTunes here, or just listen live using the widget in my sidebar.
We got a bit off topic and ended up talking about stepping out of comfort zones and making friends. One topic I wanted to explore more was blogging openly and blogging in a more guarded fashion. Anyone with a brain would see Britt as being an open blogger. She has no problem sharing every bump in the road, every wart and every wrinkle, and it's part of what makes her such an interesting blogger. On the other hand, I rarely post about feeling stressed or if I'm cranky. I don't post about my concerns or my fears. But does that make me a guarded blogger?
I'm not sure. I would say yes, but would a guarded blogger post the following?
1. A naked picture of himself?
2. A video of him dancing?
3. An embarrassing post about masturbation? Semen?
How would you define a guarded blogger? An open blogger?
Getting nailed
Wednesday, July 16th, 2008I bought an electric staple gun this past weekend.
It was with no small amount of trepidation that I did so. The last time I handled any equipment that fired sharp projectiles at high speeds was when I was 14, in 1991. I was visiting my grandparents in Braintree, and my parents had foolishly let me and my siblings explore unfettered.
The basement was a pirate's cave filled with bounty as far as the eye could see. Every tool you could imagine, old toys, electronics, nails, bolts, screws, blades, knives – everything an adolescent boy could hope for. The buzzing of the electric tools, all plugged in, of course, resonated through my head, in tune with my excitement.
I picked up the tool closest to me, a hefty nail gun that was probably made in the sixties. I raised it to eye level and aimed it at a part of the wall that was ten or so feet in front of me. The trigger felt awkward in my hand, but my finger squeezed around it until it fired.
The nail didn't hit the wall in front of me. There was one main reason for this, and that was because I was holding the gun backwards. The barrel was actually pointed directly at my head. At a speed that felt supersonic, the nail whipped past my ear, lightly scratching it, and buried itself in the wall behind me with a cartoony "THWONGGGGGKK" sound that is usually associated with an arrow hitting its target.
My knees felt weak, and the realization that I almost spent the rest of my life eating out of a straw and wearing a special helmet overwhelmed me. I slowly made my way upstairs and decided to lay down for a bit.
As I unpacked my new electric staple gun this weekend, I was very careful. I clearly identified the front and back of the gun and made sure to keep the front pointed away from me at all times.
I loaded it with staples and plugged it in.
"Do you have the staple gun ready?" My friend Clown asked.
"Yup. It's plugged in, but I don't know if it's turned on. It's not humming or anything, so I can't even tell how to–" I pulled the trigger in mid-sentence.
"THUNK." The staple flew across the room and hit the wall a few scant inches from his body.
I think I'll just stick to a hammer and nails from now on.
Don't forget! Tonight at 9 PM EST, Britt and I will have angry word sex on air during our Episode Two of "Clearly, you're retarded!" We'll be discussing the different between being open and being guarded in all walks of life. You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!
Go vote for me on Humor-Blogs.com.
I'm sorry babe.
Tuesday, July 15th, 2008My dearest Amy,
It's over.
The almost 10 years of friendship. The almost 7 years of marriage. Our time in Los Angeles. Our time with our awesome house in Florida.
I know that you never thought this day would come, but we have to abide by The List. You know The List, right? It's the one that you have that has Sean Connery and Timothy Hutton on it.
Well, the top of my list is available, and I have to bid you adieu. I'm off to Los Angeles to track down and profess my love to my raven-haired Jewish comedy goddess. She's single again!
I'm coming, Sarah Silverman!
And, of course, tomorrow is the second episode of "Clearly, you're retarded", a radio show pitting my beauty against Miss Britt's brawn. This week, we'll be discussing being open vs. being guarded. Listen to this week’s episode at 9pm EST or download last week’s to catch up at TalkShoe!
Battered and bruised
Monday, July 14th, 2008I'm sitting here at 11:00 on Sunday night, trying to write a post. Every time I type a key, I wince – every movement sends pain throughout my body. My body is black and blue, and it hurts to breathe.
Did I get into a car accident? Nope.
Did I get thrown from a bull? Nope.
Did I jump from a plane and land without the parachute opening? Nope.
I watched Britt's kids.
Being the amazingly wonderful and nice person that I am, I agreed to watch the kids over at our house while Britt and my wife went shopping. Last time I watched them, they were great and I could almost see how cool it would be to have children.
This time was different.
Oh so different.
Devin and Emma, or, using the codenames I assigned to them, Ignoratron and Lil' Ninja Punchalot, respectively, decided that this Sunday was going to be a day of boundaries. Pushing them. Testing them. Outright destroying them.
While I'd love to recap the minute-by-minute detail of the five longest hours in my life, every time I try, I just break down and sob inconsolably. Instead, here are some of the highlights, if they can be called that:
1:00 – Britt drops the kids off and runs out the door laughing maniacally.
1:02 – They're bored.
1:15 – Ignoratron decides that he'd rather hammer nails into the table than the wood I provided.
1:18 – Lil' Ninja Punchalot decides to take her shoes off and see if she can hit me in the forehead with them. She can.
1:30 – Ignoratron has concluded that "Stop doing that" means "Please do that with more enthusiasm".
1:48 – Lil' Ninja Punchalot likes to sit on the ottoman and slam her head backwards into the person sitting in the chair behind her. My crotch may never recover.
2:00 – I fall asleep in the chair while the kids are actually quietly watching TV.
2:30 – I wake up wrapped in duct tape, with a nail sticking out of my knee, unicorn temporary tattoos covering the right side of my face, and Lil' Ninja Punchalot using me as her own personal trampoline. Ignoratron is nowhere to be seen.
3:15 – Ignoratron pulls into the driveway. Apparently, he decided to borrow the car and go to the liquor store. Now his breath smells like tequila.
3:44 – I finally extricate myself from the duct tape. Lil' Ninja Punchalot karate chops my nuts and Ignoratron does a flying kick to my head.
3:52 – I catch both of them at last. Ignoratron goes into the hamper and Lil' Ninja Punchalot gets put into a pillowcase. I tape the openings up and throw both of them into the laundry room.
3:53 – Shit. They've escaped. Someone gnawed a hole in the wall.
4:12 – Lil' Ninja Punchalot ambushes me from her perch on top of the refrigerator while Ignoratron uses a taser on me.
5:00 – I wake up as they are dragging me to the pool with a giant stone tied to my waist. I manage to stay my execution by promising them both large sums of money.
5:15 – I convince them that Monopoly money is actually Euros and worth more than the dollar.
5:48 – Lil' Ninja Punchalot whips out her butterfly knife and cuts my toe off. Ignoratron helpfully puts it back on my foot with a hammer, nail, and duct tape.
6:00 – Britt tries to drop Amy off and leave without the kids, but I throw myself onto the hood of her car and hang on until she agrees to take them back.
6:01 – I call and schedule my vasectomy.
Humor-Blogs.com hates kids, too.
Lazy Sunday XLVI
Sunday, July 13th, 2008
Welcome to the 46th Edition of Lazy Sunday!
Two weeks ago was a little hard, I guess. Nobody correctly guessed that the answer to #15 was "Once Upon a Time in Mexico". You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!
This week's prize is for my friend Dan. In little more than a week, he and 9 friends will be walking 78 miles in six days for charity, with all proceeds going to The Joseph Salmon Trust, a charity set up by his close friends Neil and Rachel in memorial of their three year old son Joseph who in April of 2005 died suddenly in his sleep.
The Joseph Salmon Trust supports parents who have lost a child by providing financial assistance to those who need it most. This may be to help with funeral costs or to allow the self employed a break from work while they come to terms with their loss. Grieving families have enough to deal with without worries about where they will find the money to say goodbye to their child or pay the next electricity bill. Nothing we can do can make their situation better, but we can do something to stop it getting worse.
This week's prize will be a $100 donation to the Joseph Salmon Trust in the winner's name. It's a worthy cause, and if you feel like donating yourself, you can do so here.
This is also a themed contest – every answer has to do with a song, movie, or television show that's in the SCIFI GENRE!
Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.
The rules:
It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!
The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.
Ready? Here we go!
1. Do you wear slippers?
Yup. I named them, too. Klaatu and Nikto.
2. Are you pregnant?
Pregnant or something! I should just hurl myself into this giant furnace.
3. Do you wear a bra to bed at night?
I just wear a t-shirt and panties when I go into stasis with the Marines.
4. Are you allergic to anything?
I'm really, really allergic to water.
5. When was the last time you called in sick?
Well, I got shot up pretty bad by a Detroit gang and was pronounced dead.
6. Have you ever been in a car accident?
No, but once I fell when escaping from a nuclear wessel.
7. What is your favorite snack food?
Cats.
8. Do you think you have a big butt?
I have a good butt. And three boobs.
9. Would you like to look like your mom when you are her age?
I barely remember her. She died shortly after giving birth to me and my brother.
10. If you won a million dollars, what would you buy first?
A lot of mashed potatoes. I've got some sculpting to do!
11. Do you own a dictionary?
No, but I've read one. Along with hundreds of books. I need more input!
12. Where was the last place you went on vacation?
Somewhere in the Galaxy of Terror.
13. Do you talk about your friends behind their backs?
Only if they're pre-criminals.
14. Do you like to mow the yard?
When I can find the damn remote control.
15. Any big plans for the summer?
Work in the mud fields of Canton and sing the Hero's praises.
And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
(more…)
Trollbusters
Saturday, July 12th, 2008
The author Warren Ellis started his own message board about a year ago. It was called The Engine, and one of the underlying premises was no anonymity. Every person who had an account had to use their full name. No cute nicknames, no stupid puns – their real names. And what happened on this message board was that since everyone was actually accountable for their words, people acted civilized! It was a grand experiment, and I was sad to see it go when it got too big for him to maintain and he had to shut it down. But it makes me wonder – wouldn't the Internet be a better place if people had accountability for their words?
Anyone who's online for more than a day knows about trolls. Trolls are the lowest level of humanity on the web. They use anonymity as a shield, which makes them feel powerful and strong, and then they try to use that power to attack whomever they want. Since they have no accountability, they feel invincible, which spurs them to attack more and more. Usually they like to attack people who don't hide behind anonymity, and the more personal the attack, the better the troll feels about him or herself. And the troll needs to feel good about him or herself – they're usually filled with self-loathing. Whether they're some biker trash in Bend, Oregon, trailer trash in California, welfare trash in Massachusetts, or redneck trash in the South, they're always unhappy people with very few redeeming qualities. And they know that they're shit, too, because they have no defense for using anonymity as a weapon.
Other than trolls, though, there are plenty of valid reasons to stay anonymous online. People want to write private thoughts without worrying about being found out, or they're trying to avoid a stalker or angry ex-spouse. Or they just don't want their work to see their opinions on everything from movies to sex to life in general. I will always respect those valid reasons – it just makes sense.
I feel, however, that the very second that anonymity is used to attack someone else without repercussion or accountability, it should be forfeit. Every time I read some little idiot's personal attack on another person, it just infuriates me. It takes every effort for me not to spend the resources to find out exactly who and where they are (which can be done for the right price), then drive to their home and beat them severely with a rusty pipe. Then I'd take a picture of their broken and busted faces and post them online with all of their contact information, linking to each and every time they thought they were powerful by attacking someone anonymously. I bet they might actually learn a little maturity, responsibility, and accountability then!
Maybe I should start a company called Trollbusters. It would probably make millions!
