Archive for August, 2008

I decided to take a suggestion that someone made (Stephanie?) about maybe using Sunday to revisit some of my older posts. Here's one that was originally posted back about a year and a half ago:

Unlike many people, I am not inspired by important people in history, whether they were statesmen, warriors, politicians, inventors, authors, artists, scientists, or mimes. I understand the impact that many of these people had on our lives, but I can't bring myself to care. All I can think is that if I had been there, I would have done it better.

I am solely inspired by comedians. That's it.

* Bill Cosby taught me how to tell a story.
* Steven Wright showed me the right way to do a one liner.
* Chevy Chase made stupid and clumsy into a type of ballet.
* John Candy balanced the line between hilarious and frightening.
* Steve Martin interspersed bittersweet drama with laughs.
* Sarah Silverman demonstrated that you don't have to have balls to have balls.
* Dana Carvey created laughs out of life's mundanities.
* Gallagher used slapstick for insightful political commentary.
* Mel Brooks broke the fourth wall at all the right times.
* My mother educated me on using gallows humor to deal with life.
* The Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrams defined filmic parody as an art form.
* William M. Gaines said it was okay to be immature as an adult.
* Jerry Seinfeld exemplifies the idea that money doesn't make you funny.
* Denis Leary gave me ways to make anger funny.
* Weird Al Yankovic weaves lyrical tapestries effortlessly.
* Conan and Andy identified the humor in absurdity.
* Andrew Dice Clay took profanity so far it became funnier than ever.
* Trey Parker and Matt Stone understand that smarts and morbid humor aren't mutually exclusive.
* Ben Edlund threw archetypes into the wind and created genius.

This is just a small list of those who inspire me or have inspired me. Whenever I approach a situation, I think about how one of those guys would have done it, and what would have garnered the most laughs. And I adjust my approach accordingly.

Who inspires you?

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

A blogger friend, Sodapop, recently decided to become an Avon rep. I thought I'd check out the online store and see if there was anything I could buy to show a little support.

First off, I was very surprised that they had a men's section at all. Who knew? Secondly, they have some neat gadgets, ala Sharper Image, and I had no idea their product catalog was that big.

My final surprise was the body wash that they had. Derek Jeter's Body Wash. Now, I don't know who Derek Jeter is, but I think he's some type of athlete, and it's a ballsy move to sell a body wash that is reminiscent of a nasty smelling athlete. So I just had to try some.

Here is the video of my experience. And if you're looking for any products or gadgets or just shopping for little gift, why not go check out Soda's Avon Store?

(Here's a link if you can't see it embedded).

The prognosis for Derek Jeter Body Wash is pretty decent. It smells a bit like Brut or one of those Axe body washes, but it's much milder, so you don't get that overpowering musk like you took a bath in Old Spice. I lean towards fruitier and chocolatey body washes usually, so I don't know if it's exactly what I'd like to get on a regular basis, but I'm pretty happy with it. You should give it a try.

(This was not a paid advertisement. I just wanted an excuse to use my video camera for a video post and take it in the shower.)

For every smart, normal client we have, we have 10 who are gob-smacked morons. I purposely obfuscate the nature of the business I run for obvious reasons, but for clarity's sake, just understand that we sell a service to professionals – people with advanced degrees and higher education.

Here's an example of a recent phone call we received. I've made a few changes for privacy:

The phone rings.

Me: Hi and thanks for calling The Fucknuttery. This is Adam.
Them: ….
Me: Hi and thanks for calling The Fucknuttery. This is Adam. Can I help you?
Them: ….
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello?
Me: Can I help you?
Them: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Them: Is this The Fucknuttery?
Me: Yes. Can I help you?
Them: I'm looking to purchase some fucknuts, but I can't tell how to order them on your website.
Me: Did you see the section of our website called "How to order?"
Them: No, it's not there. I also couldn't figure out how much the fucknuts cost.
Me: Did you see the section of our website called "Pricing?"
Them: I don't see a section like that. I also don't know what fucknuts are.
Me: You don't know what they are?
Them: No, but I was searching for dipshits, and your site told me I had to buy fucknuts instead.
Me: I don't think our site says that – dipshits are a completely different product. We don't sell those or mention those anywhere.
Them: I'm looking at your site right now and it says, under where I typed "dipshits", "Did you mean fucknuts?"
Me: What website are you on?
Them: Ummm, let me see. double-u double-u double-u dot google dot com.
Me: That's not our website.
Them: You're not Google?
Me: No, we are The Fucknuttery.
Them: Well, why is your information on here?
Me: Because you're on a search engine. We are just one of the listings on there.
Them: Well, what's your website?
Me: www…
Them: www…
Me: TheFucknuttery.com
Them: Vfucknuttery.com?
Me: No, [thee].
Them: "V"?
Me: No, [thuh].
Them: What?
Me: T
Them: T
Me: H
Them: H
Me: E
Them: E
….
Them: Ohhhh! [thee]!
Me: TheFucknuttery.com
Them: Okay, got it. Now what exactly is a fucknut?
Me: It's a specific type of widget designed to help you flockle your hoosenagel.
Them: How much does it cost?
Me: Around $3,000, but we guarantee that it will work or you get a full refund.
Them: That's too much money. I can flockle my own hoosenagels. *click*

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Sidenotes of Whoredom and Pushiness:

If you're thinking of coming to the Halloween party, please go comment on the page I've set up: http://www.avitable.com/neverwas/.

As of 11:35 tonight, when I'm writing this post, I have 202 votes in the Hot Male Blogger Calendar contest. That's one shy of me having to remove the last piece of the picture! Wow, you guys are impressive!

I'm assuming that by Sunday at midnight, I'll get at least one more vote, so plan on the big reveal to happen Monday. Don't stop voting, though! I want to make sure I stay in the top 12 until voting ends!

Keep voting by using this link or the widget below.

Finally, did you see my new T-shirt? It's stolen from a bumper sticker that RW saw:

Today seems like a good day to follow up on a few things.

First, I've set up a page for all of the Halloween information to be compiled, so you can find all the information about hotels and flights, buy T-shirts and raffle tickets, and ask questions specific to the party. This will also be where I'll probably put photos and stuff after the party, so bookmark it now. http://www.avitable.com/neverwas/

Second, the Halloween Raffle has now sold 63 tickets! That means we're almost to 100 when I can give away the Grand Prize ticket of a round-trip airplane ticket to Orlando. All you need is $7 for one ticket. Void where prohibited by law. Buy your tickets here.

That's all about the Halloween party on today's post – go check out the Neverwas page I've set up for some new information, and to answer some important questions I have for you.

Third, thanks to those of you who listened to our show last night about the drinking age. If you missed the show, download it here, or add it to your iTunes here.

Finally, let's talk about the Hot Blogger Calendar competition. Last night when I wrote my post, I had 113 votes. I told you that I would remove on article of clothing from this nude picture for every subsequent 10 votes I received.

As I check the results right now, I have 181 votes. So that's 68 votes all today – holy shit! I guess that means that six more pieces of clothing have to come off. That only leaves three pieces of clothing, and you have until Sunday at midnight to vote 30 more times!

Keep voting by using this link or the widget below. If I get more votes than I have pieces of clothing, I'll have to come up with something even more ludicrous, so keep them coming!

So, do you remember Major League?

And do you remember how the coach inspired the team by putting up a cardboard standee of the bitch owner? She had pieces of clothing on, and for every win, he removed a piece of clothing?

So, you do remember that? Why do I ask?

Well, there's this thing called Hot Blogger Calendar. And I'm nominated for one of the Hottest Males. Right now, they are accepting votes, and the top 12 vote recipients will be able to either do a photo shoot in NYC or submit their own photo, and they'll appear in a calendar that will be seen by trillions of people!

From now until midnight on Sunday, August 31st, you can vote for one person. Ideally, they should have allowed 12 votes, but they didn't, so you have to be choosy.

And for motivation, here is a prime example of how I am the hottest hunk of man meat to ever type one of these here blog things:

This is a picture taken during college.

The unedited original is a nude photo. Right now, it's covered in 10 Photoshopped pieces of clothing: There are two gloves, two sleeves, a shirt, two shoes, two pant legs, and a crotch piece.

For every ten votes I get, I'll remove a piece of clothing.

Since I already have 113 votes, I'll start by taking off a glove!

Go vote for Avitable!

(Or you can just use the voting widget right here! I'm at the bottom of this list if you don't scroll down at all.)

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For Episode Eight of "Clearly, you're retarded", Britt and I will be fucking each other's shit up at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe. The topic tonight is the drinking age – Should it be lowered? Should it be raised? What's fair? What's right? Join in on the fun by listening live! You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!