Archive for August, 2008

Sunday Redux: My inspirations

Sunday, August 31st, 2008

I decided to take a suggestion that someone made (Stephanie?) about maybe using Sunday to revisit some of my older posts. Here's one that was originally posted back about a year and a half ago:

Unlike many people, I am not inspired by important people in history, whether they were statesmen, warriors, politicians, inventors, authors, artists, scientists, or mimes. I understand the impact that many of these people had on our lives, but I can't bring myself to care. All I can think is that if I had been there, I would have done it better.

I am solely inspired by comedians. That's it.

* Bill Cosby taught me how to tell a story.
* Steven Wright showed me the right way to do a one liner.
* Chevy Chase made stupid and clumsy into a type of ballet.
* John Candy balanced the line between hilarious and frightening.
* Steve Martin interspersed bittersweet drama with laughs.
* Sarah Silverman demonstrated that you don't have to have balls to have balls.
* Dana Carvey created laughs out of life's mundanities.
* Gallagher used slapstick for insightful political commentary.
* Mel Brooks broke the fourth wall at all the right times.
* My mother educated me on using gallows humor to deal with life.
* The Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrams defined filmic parody as an art form.
* William M. Gaines said it was okay to be immature as an adult.
* Jerry Seinfeld exemplifies the idea that money doesn't make you funny.
* Denis Leary gave me ways to make anger funny.
* Weird Al Yankovic weaves lyrical tapestries effortlessly.
* Conan and Andy identified the humor in absurdity.
* Andrew Dice Clay took profanity so far it became funnier than ever.
* Trey Parker and Matt Stone understand that smarts and morbid humor aren't mutually exclusive.
* Ben Edlund threw archetypes into the wind and created genius.

This is just a small list of those who inspire me or have inspired me. Whenever I approach a situation, I think about how one of those guys would have done it, and what would have garnered the most laughs. And I adjust my approach accordingly.

Who inspires you?

Derek Jeter Body Wash

Saturday, August 30th, 2008

A blogger friend, Sodapop, recently decided to become an Avon rep. I thought I'd check out the online store and see if there was anything I could buy to show a little support.

First off, I was very surprised that they had a men's section at all. Who knew? Secondly, they have some neat gadgets, ala Sharper Image, and I had no idea their product catalog was that big.

My final surprise was the body wash that they had. Derek Jeter's Body Wash. Now, I don't know who Derek Jeter is, but I think he's some type of athlete, and it's a ballsy move to sell a body wash that is reminiscent of a nasty smelling athlete. So I just had to try some.

Here is the video of my experience. And if you're looking for any products or gadgets or just shopping for little gift, why not go check out Soda's Avon Store?

(Here's a link if you can't see it embedded).

The prognosis for Derek Jeter Body Wash is pretty decent. It smells a bit like Brut or one of those Axe body washes, but it's much milder, so you don't get that overpowering musk like you took a bath in Old Spice. I lean towards fruitier and chocolatey body washes usually, so I don't know if it's exactly what I'd like to get on a regular basis, but I'm pretty happy with it. You should give it a try.

(This was not a paid advertisement. I just wanted an excuse to use my video camera for a video post and take it in the shower.)

Idiots, idiots everywhere and not a drop to drink

Friday, August 29th, 2008

For every smart, normal client we have, we have 10 who are gob-smacked morons. I purposely obfuscate the nature of the business I run for obvious reasons, but for clarity's sake, just understand that we sell a service to professionals – people with advanced degrees and higher education.

Here's an example of a recent phone call we received. I've made a few changes for privacy:

The phone rings.

Me: Hi and thanks for calling The Fucknuttery. This is Adam.
Them: ….
Me: Hi and thanks for calling The Fucknuttery. This is Adam. Can I help you?
Them: ….
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello?
Me: Can I help you?
Them: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Them: Is this The Fucknuttery?
Me: Yes. Can I help you?
Them: I'm looking to purchase some fucknuts, but I can't tell how to order them on your website.
Me: Did you see the section of our website called "How to order?"
Them: No, it's not there. I also couldn't figure out how much the fucknuts cost.
Me: Did you see the section of our website called "Pricing?"
Them: I don't see a section like that. I also don't know what fucknuts are.
Me: You don't know what they are?
Them: No, but I was searching for dipshits, and your site told me I had to buy fucknuts instead.
Me: I don't think our site says that – dipshits are a completely different product. We don't sell those or mention those anywhere.
Them: I'm looking at your site right now and it says, under where I typed "dipshits", "Did you mean fucknuts?"
Me: What website are you on?
Them: Ummm, let me see. double-u double-u double-u dot google dot com.
Me: That's not our website.
Them: You're not Google?
Me: No, we are The Fucknuttery.
Them: Well, why is your information on here?
Me: Because you're on a search engine. We are just one of the listings on there.
Them: Well, what's your website?
Me: www…
Them: www…
Me: TheFucknuttery.com
Them: Vfucknuttery.com?
Me: No, [thee].
Them: "V"?
Me: No, [thuh].
Them: What?
Me: T
Them: T
Me: H
Them: H
Me: E
Them: E
….
Them: Ohhhh! [thee]!
Me: TheFucknuttery.com
Them: Okay, got it. Now what exactly is a fucknut?
Me: It's a specific type of widget designed to help you flockle your hoosenagel.
Them: How much does it cost?
Me: Around $3,000, but we guarantee that it will work or you get a full refund.
Them: That's too much money. I can flockle my own hoosenagels. *click*


Sidenotes of Whoredom and Pushiness:

If you're thinking of coming to the Halloween party, please go comment on the page I've set up: http://www.avitable.com/neverwas/.

As of 11:35 tonight, when I'm writing this post, I have 202 votes in the Hot Male Blogger Calendar contest. That's one shy of me having to remove the last piece of the picture! Wow, you guys are impressive!

I'm assuming that by Sunday at midnight, I'll get at least one more vote, so plan on the big reveal to happen Monday. Don't stop voting, though! I want to make sure I stay in the top 12 until voting ends!

MajorLeagueAvitable_9

Keep voting by using this link or the widget below.

Finally, did you see my new T-shirt? It's stolen from a bumper sticker that RW saw:

Housekeeping?

Thursday, August 28th, 2008

Today seems like a good day to follow up on a few things.

First, I've set up a page for all of the Halloween information to be compiled, so you can find all the information about hotels and flights, buy T-shirts and raffle tickets, and ask questions specific to the party. This will also be where I'll probably put photos and stuff after the party, so bookmark it now. http://www.avitable.com/neverwas/

Second, the Halloween Raffle has now sold 63 tickets! That means we're almost to 100 when I can give away the Grand Prize ticket of a round-trip airplane ticket to Orlando. All you need is $7 for one ticket. Void where prohibited by law. Buy your tickets here.

That's all about the Halloween party on today's post – go check out the Neverwas page I've set up for some new information, and to answer some important questions I have for you.

Third, thanks to those of you who listened to our show last night about the drinking age. If you missed the show, download it here, or add it to your iTunes here.

Finally, let's talk about the Hot Blogger Calendar competition. Last night when I wrote my post, I had 113 votes. I told you that I would remove on article of clothing from this nude picture for every subsequent 10 votes I received.

As I check the results right now, I have 181 votes. So that's 68 votes all today – holy shit! I guess that means that six more pieces of clothing have to come off. That only leaves three pieces of clothing, and you have until Sunday at midnight to vote 30 more times!

MajorLeagueAvitable_7

Keep voting by using this link or the widget below. If I get more votes than I have pieces of clothing, I'll have to come up with something even more ludicrous, so keep them coming!

Remember that movie Major League?

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

So, do you remember Major League?

And do you remember how the coach inspired the team by putting up a cardboard standee of the bitch owner? She had pieces of clothing on, and for every win, he removed a piece of clothing?

So, you do remember that? Why do I ask?

Well, there's this thing called Hot Blogger Calendar. And I'm nominated for one of the Hottest Males. Right now, they are accepting votes, and the top 12 vote recipients will be able to either do a photo shoot in NYC or submit their own photo, and they'll appear in a calendar that will be seen by trillions of people!

From now until midnight on Sunday, August 31st, you can vote for one person. Ideally, they should have allowed 12 votes, but they didn't, so you have to be choosy.

And for motivation, here is a prime example of how I am the hottest hunk of man meat to ever type one of these here blog things:

This is a picture taken during college.

MajorLeagueAvitable

The unedited original is a nude photo. Right now, it's covered in 10 Photoshopped pieces of clothing: There are two gloves, two sleeves, a shirt, two shoes, two pant legs, and a crotch piece.

For every ten votes I get, I'll remove a piece of clothing.

Since I already have 113 votes, I'll start by taking off a glove!

MajorLeagueAvitable_1

Go vote for Avitable!

(Or you can just use the voting widget right here! I'm at the bottom of this list if you don't scroll down at all.)


For Episode Eight of "Clearly, you're retarded", Britt and I will be fucking each other's shit up at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe. The topic tonight is the drinking age – Should it be lowered? Should it be raised? What's fair? What's right? Join in on the fun by listening live! You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

Red Erect

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

I'm not here. I'm guest posting over at Miss Britt's.

Don't forget – hotels, raffles, T-shirts, and photos! C'mon, I'm counting on you!

Adam on women

Monday, August 25th, 2008

(For those of you interested in Halloween announcements, scroll down to the bottom for hotel and travel information).

I don't write seriously very often. The primary reason for that is that I'm not a very serious person, and I don't have any problems that are worth releasing on the world. I am very happy with how my life is going and I think that bitching about things that are marginal compared to many other people's serious, real problems would seem petty and stupid.

That said, this isn't a post about my problems. This is just a general rant, and none of you reading it should think that I'm talking about you.

Most of you who know me know that I put women on a pedestal. I definitely got that from my dad. He and my mother, still happily married after 33 years, almost never fight. As a kid, I can maybe think of five or six times that they argued with any real anger – with raised voices or yelling. And in our house, even if they did it in the privacy of their bedroom, we would have heard them. I think one main reason that this is true is that my father was and is willing to defer to my mother. He's not someone that feels strongly about many things, so with most issues he had no reason to argue. And on the few things that he felt strongly about, she had no problems deferring to him.

My father loves my mother. It's clear in the way that he treats her and expected us to treat her. It's evident in the respect that he gives her on a regular basis. And she loves him dearly, too.

I learned from my father's example. A spouse or a significant other is a gift. They complete you in many ways, and you have to have a strong respect for the woman who makes you a better, more whole person. Most, maybe even all, women deserve my love and respect. To take it a step further, I don't really consider the sexes equal. I consider women to be superior to men in many ways.

As a result, I despise the stereotypical male. Throughout my life, I've encountered hundreds of men who seem perfectly nice in mixed company, but once there are no women around, they act like we're all part of some special club. They enjoy the chase, they relish lying and cheating, and they don't view women as being equal with them. They're users and abusers. They're the guys who joke about women having to sleep their way to the top to be successful, or like to discuss a woman's lips with relation to sucking cock. They view their spouses' hobbies and jobs (if they have jobs) with a type of disinterested sarcasm, and every response to their wife is accompanied with a wink and a nod to the boys. The only time they show any real interest is if they decide to show some misguided jealousy over obviously innocent interactions between a man and their spouse.

I hate those types of men. They're pieces of shit. Pigs. And any woman who is with a man like that and excuses it by saying, "Oh, he's just a guy," is wrong. He's not just a guy. He's a moron who has no idea what he has, but he thinks he deserves everything just for being a big manly man. With this class of men, you can just write them off as being an evolutionary throwback – a Neanderthal. As more and more women realize that they deserve better in life, this type of man will slowly die out, but until then, there's absolutely nothing I can do about the, other than avoid them and encourage the women I know to avoid them.

There's another type of man, though, that is even more frustrating, and that's the man who is a genuinely nice person. He doesn't lie or cheat or steal, nor does he want to. He actually wants to make his spouse happy and he loves her and is interested in her. But, for some reason, whether it's emotional or developmental or behavioral, he's unable to appreciate how lucky he is. He can't see what he has and what he would lose unless it's explicitly explained to him. He cannot maintain the attention span to functionally perform his role as a supportive spouse for more than a few days at once.

I want to shake this type of man and say, "Don't you understand? You need to appreciate her. And provide for her in ways other than financially. If you fuck this up, it's only your fault, and you've had it explained to you time and time again. What is fucking wrong with you?"

I'm far from perfect, and I know it. I have plenty of selfish moments and I've done things that have been chauvinistic and misogynistic and egocentric. But I'm aware of how lucky I am, and I strive every day to consider the happiness and well-being of my spouse with every action I take. And if her happiness means that I make the occasional sacrifice or bite my tongue, so be it. It's a small price to pay to be with someone who makes me happy, whom I love and who loves me, who completes me as the person, not the man, that I am.


Halloween Announcement!

For those of you who will be traveling from out of state or even within the state but want to set up arrangements to stay somewhere after the party, I've got some information for you:

Flights:

You can fly into either Sanford Airport (SFB) or Orlando International Airport (MCO). They're both about 30 minutes from my house, which is located at:

605 Birch Blvd.
Altamonte Springs, FL 32701

Sanford doesn't have many airlines, but if you're coming in from the Midwest, you might be able to fly through Allegiant Air, which has pretty reasonable fares. They won't show up on any travel discount sites, though, so you'll have to go to their site directly.

Orlando International Airport has plenty of airlines flying in. A taxi from the airport to the general area near my house will cost about $50, but all taxis in Orlando take credit cards for payment.

The party will be starting Saturday night, November 1st, around 8 PM. If you are going to be departing on Sunday, November 2nd, just keep in mind that flying out too early might mean very little sleep for you.

Hotels:

In order to try to find the closest hotels so that you wouldn't be too far from the party, I asked Paul, aka Jestertunes to work his travel agent magic and see what deals he could wrangle. And what a deal he got!

The Hilton Altamonte Springs is only 2.4 miles away from my house and right off of Interstate 4. The hotel provides complimentary transportation within a 3-mile radius, as well.

The normal room rate for the Hilton starts at $139/night, but we have a special Halloween Party group rate of $99/night. These rooms contain two double beds, free WiFi, a gourmet coffee maker, and premium amenities.

The rooms we have blocked off at this rate will not last long, so if you are planning on coming, you'll need to reserve them quickly.

How do I reserve my hotel room? Just contact Paul by phone from 11-5 PST at 1-800-474-5678, ext. 5402, or email him at paul@cruisemagic.com and he'll get you all set up. If you're still looking for plane flights, he can help find you the best rate out there, too.

Room or ride sharing? If you are interested in sharing a hotel room or getting a ride with someone to drive to the party, email me directly and I'll start keep a list of people so I can try to help anyone who wants to cut costs. My email address is my first name at my last name dot com.

If you have any questions, you can email me or leave them in the comments. Thanks!

Sunday's my day of rest.

Sunday, August 24th, 2008

Now that my contests are done, I'm going to save Sundays as a day of rest. Sometimes I might not post anything and sometimes I'll just post something quick.

If you haven't already gone over to Karl's and seen my guest post from yesterday, take a minute and do that. It will change your life.

If you have, watch this great video that I found on Youtube:

Got somewhere better to be?

Saturday, August 23rd, 2008

Yes, you do.

Go see my guest post over at Karl's.

Averagely Good Not so Bad Intentions

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

I had a video that I shot outside with the wind and rain whipping around me, bending the trees and showing that the pool was almost completely full and my Quicktime keeps crashing when I try to open it, so all my effort is for naught.

Instead, you get reminders:

First, go buy a T-shirt using the widget on the sidebar! A percentage of every T-shirt sale goes to the Halloween fund, and you can wear a piece of history. In addition, I created a few other shirts that are a bit cheaper that you might enjoy. Click the picture to go buy the shirt:


Barack Obama for President shirt


Shut up. shirt


Tropic Thunder Shirt for Black Males Only shirt

Tropic Thunder Shirt for Black Males Only


Barack Obama bought me an iPhone! shirt

Second, send me a picture! Whether it's a picture of you as a teenager or as a child, or even one as an adult, I need photos. Email them to me at my first name at my last name dot com.

Thirdly, the raffle has now sold over 35 tickets – we're a third of the way before I can offer the Grand Prize of a roundtrip ticket to Orlando for the Halloween Party! Don't you have $7.00 to spare in your Paypal account – one ticket might mean a plane ticket, a T-shirt, or something in-between! Void where prohibited by law.

Who is the ticket for?

(If the button doesn't appear, click here.)

Finally, if you have ordered a T-shirt, when you get it, I'd love to get a photo of you wearing it. Showing your balls under your shirt is not mandatory.

Hope everyone has a good weekend – tomorrow I'm guest posting over at Karl's and you don't want to miss it!