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Dear 13 year old Avitable

Avitable in MAD

Saw this over at Shamelessly Sassy’s. The concept is a letter to yourself at age 18. I’m tweaking it a bit and moving it back to 13, because by 18 I already knew everything (ha!). And since there’s so much to tell my teenage self, I’m going to have to go with a bulleted list. Here goes:

Dear Little Avitable,

I remember having lots of questions and nobody to ask and lots of uncertainty and no way to know how to proceed. Keep this letter with you over the next few years, and most of your questions and concerns should be answered:

1. That trick you’re trying to do? By dangling half off the bed and trying to bend your spine enough to put your own penis in your mouth? It’s not going to work, and you’re going to fall on your head and think you broke your neck.

2. Don’t go back a second time and look in that girl’s bathroom window. This time, the floodlights are going to come on and the cops are going to come.

3. When you kiss Nina for the first time, don’t let it be the last time. She would have totally slept with you.

4. There will be a time when you’re babysitting for some friends of your parents and the kids will be asleep and you’ll be jerking off to the Playboy you found on the coffee table. When you accidentally sneeze and ejaculate all over your shirt and pants, DON’T take off all of your clothes and put them in the laundry. This will be the one time that your parents decide to come by and check on you, and you and your Dad will not be able to look each other in the eye for quite some time. Just let the come dry – it will dry semi-clear.

5. You will get made fun of for singing Sinead O’Connor to yourself. And Cyndi Lauper.

6. In college, when you get that dorm room that looks right into the sophomore girls’ shower, remember that your window is not a one-way mirror.

7. That whole thing you’ll do in high school where you roll up your sleeves on your shirt and then staple them directly into your arm? Fucking retarded. Please don’t.

8. Masturbating while driving a stick shift is not only stupid, but it will be really, really messy and make your whole car smell funky for a month.

9. The online porn site you’ll start freshman year of college will make you $2,000 in a week’s time. Even though it will shut down the school’s server and they’ll threaten to kick you out, keep with it! Drop out of college if you have to. Just go register sex.com, and keep it up. We’ll make billions.

10. When you’re babysitting over at the doctor’s house and using his big satellite to watch hardcore porn, understand that if you change the satellite as soon as you see their headlights in the window, they can see the satellite dish changing location in the side yard. And they’ll know!

Hopefully this advice can help you avoid some of the horror, embarrassment and missed opportunities that I had. It gets a lot better, and the chocolate covered burrito is still just as tasty now as it was back then!

-Old Avitable

P.S. Mom took up smoking again but she’s going to hide it for 20 years – see if you can bust her in the act!

What would you write to your teenage self?

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54 thoughts on “Dear 13 year old Avitable”

  1. Wow.

    It was actually very good. You really should have registered that website.

    You would be a gazillionaire.

    And that would rock.

    I would tell myself so much, but at the same time I would not want too much to change. I am happy with my life, the good and the bad.

  2. My college dorm room my freshmen year was right across the alley from a sorority house. Couldn’t have been 100 feet away. My roomie and I went and bought binoculars anyway. We were treated to LOTS of naked girls. They absolutely knew they were being watched too.

    Good times man. Good times.

  3. What would I tell my teenage self? Since that wasn’t too long in the past it’d be: you could’ve totally gotten into Stanford if you applied you stupid idiot. And don’t get a funky ass gpa in college because you turn into a huge slacker. Oh and make up your mind about medical school before your 25.

    There’d probably be other things but I think my brain has already switched into school mode.

  4. That ad was brilliant.

    Unfortunately, my letter to my earlier self would be lame. Basically telling me to stick it out, that life would get much better once I was out of the house and away from my psychopathic mother.

  5. Dear 14-year-old self: Your mom is a pathological liar. Figure this out now. She will lie to you about others, she will lie to others about you. She will lie to you about yourself and she will lie to you about herself. Don’t wait until you are 26 to realize the extent of her bullshit.

  6. Between the peeping and the whacking off, it’s a wonder you found time to learn how to write coherently.


    Dear 20 Year Old Self:

    Don’t get into dealing with Mike. He’s going to hook up with the Triad and eventually your dorm room will be raided by the cops because of this.

    Old Self

  7. i love that at 13 you did laundry, even if it was just to cover your own cum covered self.

    and the fact that you share the fact that you sneezed & ejaculated at the same time makes me giggle. seriously cracks me the fuck up.

    cool post, adam. one day i might have to steal the concept.

  8. “you roll up your sleeves on your shirt and then staple them directly into your arm”.
    Just goes to show that:
    “Masochism is a valuable job skill”.

  9. Britt, that’s what she gets for smoking!

    Karen, as much as I hate to admit it, yes.

    Undomestic Diva, I wish I had!

    Dragon, that’s no fun!

    Shamelessly Sassy, yeah, I was a good babysitter.

    BE Earl, oh I bet you slept like a baby and dreamt of testicles.

    TMP, I really should have – everything would have changed, that’s for sure.

    LMSS, there’s such a thing as overuse?

    Jay, the best of times!

    Gwen, yeah, where have you been?

    Poppy, you so funneh!

    Sarah, Stanford’s a big one.

    Freelance Guru, you didn’t have all the guru wisdom as a teen yet, did you?

    Janna, that was two years before I was 13.

    TSM, the hairbrush, eh?

    Jennifer, there’s nothing you regret?

    Penny, 26 is still young enough to do something about it, at least.

    Kapgar, I know, right?

    Sinister Dan, yeah, my dad wasn’t the type of dad that you could speak with frankly.

    SciFi Dad, the rest of the time I was in school.

    Hello, it freaked me out when I was a kid, though!

    Finn, when I was 13-18? Wasn’t it like that for everyone?

    Frank, or stupidity!

    Whall, I hadn’t learned to do things accidentally on purpose at that point yet.

  10. I would like to tell my 5 yo self to go ahead and pull the trigger – you’ve got a good chance of offing at least one parent, and maybe you can hit the second before he or she figures out what’s happening. Besides, at that age you can totally get away with it.
    To my 13 yo self, I would say just go ahead and do the damn schoolwork – you’ve got nothing better to do, and you will wind up in college no matter what you think.

  11. I can’t see you babysitting….. just doesn’t seem right.

    I’d tell my younger self…”Self, ditch all those friends you think are soooo cool right now, and go hang out with those nerds you were making fun of earlier. At you 10 year reunion, the cool kids are all stoned, jobless losers and those nerds are now running fortune 500 companies! Now get your ass over there and start learning nerd-ese!”

  12. I LOVE the Mad ad, though! Pretty boy! :lmao:
    I honestly think I knew most of the rest! Still – I am not that surprised! Guys are so obsessed with their weiners, aren’t they?! No wonder my dad wanted to kill all the boys I dated!

  13. Damn. 18-year-old Avitable sure spent a lot of time perusing the porn and pleasuring himself. I’m impressed. And wondering not a little bit about whether 18-year-old Avitable might have gone on to conquer the world had it not been for his penile distraction.

  14. Grant, five-year olds get away with everything!

    Metalmom, yup. I created a website with a list of celebrities for whom I had naked pictures. People had to mail me cash – $2.00 for each picture they wanted, and I’d email it to them. In one week, I made two grand and overloaded the school’s server.

    Blondefabulous, I was a very good babysitter. I used to be good with kids, back in the day.

    Mindy, I know. I really should have.

    Robin, nope!

    Sybil, especially as a teenager.

    Steph, who says I’m not conquering the world, hmm?

    Em, yup!

    Lori, no, you most certainly do not.

    Ajooja, “loads” of fun?!

    Lisa, probably not, but we’ll have lots of other tasty treats.

    Stephanie, it’s a fun post to write.

  15. Dear Younger Self:

    1. Hit the fucker back.
    2. Hit the other fucker back.
    3. Don’t take that shit from the fucker.
    4. Kill that fucker the first time he hit you.
    5. Totally make out with the kid who ate paste and had a huge crush on you. He’s still hot, has a brain in his head (the proper one!), and has money now.
    6. Don’t stop practicing.
    7. Don’t lose touch with Erin Eyeball.
    8. Don’t smoke The Pot. You’re allergic. (It will take you years to figure this out, and even then no one will believe you.)
    9. Remember to deverginize Jack.
    10. Don’t worry about not getting boobs. Genetics are in your side. :boobs3:

    Never stop believin’…and keep on gropin’…

    ~Older Self

  16. To a younger me:

    1. Do not trust that (inserts a list of people) will not fuck you royally. They will. They are all liars.
    2. Try to rethink losing your virginity in a grudge fuck in your cousin Lois’ RV in Hoquiam, WA.
    3. Have that discussion with David BEFORE you get on the plane so you have time to adjust before you’re trapped on the flight with him.
    4. Walk out on the sperm donor before be slams your face into the fridge.
    5. Make a more concerted effort in your late 20’s to get in touch with and stay in touch with Paul.
    6. Don’t fuck (insert list of male names here).
    7. Take better care of your credit and finances no matter how rough it is out there.
    8. Take better care of the Acura Legend. You’ll miss that car when it’s gone.
    9. Do not give money to your sister when your parents die.
    10. Do not let your brother live off of you. You will lose your condo over this.

  17. Dear younger Evil Genius:

    When your brother and all your friends tell you not to quit college and marry Bob (and fuck that “I can always go back to college later” bullshit) because he is a cheater and will always be a cheater, LISTEN.

    And seriously, the permed hair is not a good look for you.

  18. Dear 13 yr. old HoosierGirl,
    Don’t marry the idiot you meet in college. Instead go to Texas and look for a good-looking guy who drives a truck. :heartbeat:

    Also, be a lot nicer to your younger sister.


  19. Kris, lot of fuckers in your life.

    Winter, your sister and brother sound like real winners!

    Evil Genius, do you have a picture of said bad hair?

    HG, that’s a good lesson.

    Heather, no way – the books are just one thing that make you so awesome now!

    Chrissi, yeah. Horrifying!

    Maria, for two weeks before my school made me shut it down.

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