Saw this over at Shamelessly Sassy’s. The concept is a letter to yourself at age 18. I’m tweaking it a bit and moving it back to 13, because by 18 I already knew everything (ha!). And since there’s so much to tell my teenage self, I’m going to have to go with a bulleted list. Here goes:
Dear Little Avitable,
I remember having lots of questions and nobody to ask and lots of uncertainty and no way to know how to proceed. Keep this letter with you over the next few years, and most of your questions and concerns should be answered:
1. That trick you’re trying to do? By dangling half off the bed and trying to bend your spine enough to put your own penis in your mouth? It’s not going to work, and you’re going to fall on your head and think you broke your neck.
2. Don’t go back a second time and look in that girl’s bathroom window. This time, the floodlights are going to come on and the cops are going to come.
3. When you kiss Nina for the first time, don’t let it be the last time. She would have totally slept with you.
4. There will be a time when you’re babysitting for some friends of your parents and the kids will be asleep and you’ll be jerking off to the Playboy you found on the coffee table. When you accidentally sneeze and ejaculate all over your shirt and pants, DON’T take off all of your clothes and put them in the laundry. This will be the one time that your parents decide to come by and check on you, and you and your Dad will not be able to look each other in the eye for quite some time. Just let the come dry – it will dry semi-clear.
5. You will get made fun of for singing Sinead O’Connor to yourself. And Cyndi Lauper.
6. In college, when you get that dorm room that looks right into the sophomore girls’ shower, remember that your window is not a one-way mirror.
7. That whole thing you’ll do in high school where you roll up your sleeves on your shirt and then staple them directly into your arm? Fucking retarded. Please don’t.
8. Masturbating while driving a stick shift is not only stupid, but it will be really, really messy and make your whole car smell funky for a month.
9. The online porn site you’ll start freshman year of college will make you $2,000 in a week’s time. Even though it will shut down the school’s server and they’ll threaten to kick you out, keep with it! Drop out of college if you have to. Just go register sex.com, and keep it up. We’ll make billions.
10. When you’re babysitting over at the doctor’s house and using his big satellite to watch hardcore porn, understand that if you change the satellite as soon as you see their headlights in the window, they can see the satellite dish changing location in the side yard. And they’ll know!
Hopefully this advice can help you avoid some of the horror, embarrassment and missed opportunities that I had. It gets a lot better, and the chocolate covered burrito is still just as tasty now as it was back then!
P.S. Mom took up smoking again but she’s going to hide it for 20 years – see if you can bust her in the act!
What would you write to your teenage self?
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