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Upping the ante

There’s a downfall to notorious posts like last week’s nutshot. Other than scarring your brains and retinas, that is. And that’s the well-known issue of raising the bar. Upping the ante. Keeping it fresh.

After a while, though, you’ve done all you possibly can without becoming an online porn star. I mean, doing a full monty would be the next step, followed by my very own grainy night vision sex video. After that, unless I’m drinking bull semen or injecting my testicles with saline, I’ve pretty much run out of ways to be shameless and shocking.

How do you overcome this issue? How do you keep your audience guessing without fading into obscurity like Tom Green or stupidity like Bam Margera?

I have a theory about this. I think that humor, just like fashion, moves in cycles. Just like something trendy will go out of style and then eventually become trendy again, I think that humor is the same way.

So, instead of raising the bar to the equivalence of a centerfold for “Bears Quarterly”, I’ll just raise the bar all the way back to the beginning, when it was shocking to use certain ribald words and see the most mundane of stunts.

I’m just warming up, but here’s some of the new old humor in my repertoire:

I say, I say, did you know that my car is so old it’s insured for fire, theft, and Injun raid?

I once knew a girl who was melancholy. She had a head like a melon and a face like a collie.

Did you know that in the United States a woman gives birth to a baby every 15 seconds? We’ve got to find that poor woman and stop her!

What do you think? Stay tuned until next week when I post pictures of a king-size bed that men and women actually sleep in together and play a sound of a flushing toilet!

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49 Replies to “Upping the ante”

  1. Cris

    Adam,Adam, Adam…. you need to get past this pathetic insecurity that people will lose interest in you the moment you aren’t amusing any longer. I think the real secrete is…

    Ohhh gotta go! My blog reader says Dave just made another post on Blogography!

  2. Jay

    It’s extremely unlikely that I will ever step up to the grainy night vision home sex video. Mostly because finding someone who will have sex with me is extremely difficult to do. And they always want to be paid extra if it’s going to be taped.

  3. Willie G

    I think your shock value comes just in the right amount. Most days your either ha-ha funny, or useless (in a typical blog way). Then BAM it’s a nutsack day!! that keeps me talking and guessing for weeks to come. I don’t think you have to top it unless you press to make it a more frequent display. My suggestion is monitor the pace, and explore your originality.

  4. Lisa

    To be honest, I think you have consistently raised the bar over the years. I read through the archives in one sitting a while back, and not only has your writing improved, but you’ve definitely learnt how to pace yourself.

    I read for a variety of reasons, and shock value is very low on the list. I think so long as you’re finding crap to write about in that interesting way you have, you stand no chance of fading into obscurity.

    Mind you, if being an internet porn-star is what you want? I won’t try and stand in the way of that dream. =P

  5. martin

    Your joke about the women giving birth reminded me of when Bono was doing a concert in between songs he started clicking his fingers and he said ‘Every time I click my fingers a child in Africa dies’ and someone in the audience shouted back ‘stop clicking your fucking fingers then’.

  6. Crys

    i think it’s perfectly reasonable to view last week’s shot as the pinnacle of your testicular humor. there’s nothing to exceed at this point, there is only to repeat. but to repeat is not so bad.

    i think now you should quickly begin to feign demureness, as if some other personality (who is wretched, and who has balls) had taken over temporarily and caused you to do such a forward thing. from there let the water level rise to what we might consider Normal, and keep it there awhile. then BAM, like Bam, bust out the junk when we least expect it; like a drive-by — like an earthquake.

    it’s all so much more startling that way.

  7. Mike

    I keep my blog fresh by posting pictures of your somewhat hairy nutsack.

    I’m trying to create a new Internet phenomenon, akin to the Rickroll. I think we should call it the Avitaroll or Avitaball.

    “You’ve been Avitaballed!”

    Doesn’t that sound good?

  8. Miss Britt


    I think that it is impossible to function under that kind of self imposed pressure and obligation for a terribly long period of time without it becoming obvious that it’s stunt blogging.

    Or shock blogging.

    But – you do what you gotta do.

  9. delmer

    I’ll help a bit with the classic jokes:

    If you had a 12-inch man-tool sticking out of your forehead, how much of it could you see?

    None of it. Your balls would be hanging in your eyes.

  10. Winter

    I think there should have been a joke after the giving birth one about how we can’t catch illegal aliens… cause you know they keep taking people to the mother ship and impregnating them or probing them.

  11. Sue

    You know, every time I comment here I’m tempted to add the boobs smileys just for S&Gs.

    I’ve never gone as far as you, but I have been stumped and wanted to go back to the beginning.

  12. trishk

    Was there a nutshot in that picture? I was so riveted by the wonderous t-shirt that I totally missed it. Let me go back and look again…

    okay, I still don’t see anything..

    maybe I need a magnifying glass?

  13. Grant

    I think you should put the unicorn template back up and turn this into an I :heartbeat: Jebus blog. Then when you’ve lulled us all into a false sense of security, show us your testicles again (but do it in the name of Jebus).

  14. martymankins

    Drinking bull semen? That was done in the last Jackass movie. And it was done by Johnny Knoxville.

    I think the idea of trying to up the ante depends on the purpose. I mean, do we want to see all of your junk? I don’t. But do we expect it? Pretty much.

    I personally think the unexpected in an expected sort of way works. But you may have to reinvent yourself now because your readers are just biding the time before Mr. Happy laying on a couple of bean bags will be displayed on this blog.

  15. Kris

    I don’t know. I still don’t think anything was worse than seeing that guy licking and fucking the snake with his girlfriend/wife/ho right there. I’d gladly look at your hairy nutsack over that shit. :poke:

  16. Mocha

    I haven’t been able to comment because I just woke from the coma from seeing your man bits.


    I saw them.

    But I couldn’t speak. FOR DAYS.

    Is this why you asked me to come over here for your contest the other day? TO SHOW ME YOUR SCHWEDDY BALLS?

    You sexy beast, you.

    I fear looking for your contest now. I fear my laptop will take over my fingers and scroll to your naughty junk again. And again.

  17. Avitable

    BPR, it’s crazy, isn’t it?

    Blondefabulous, are you volunteering?

    Amanda, you wouldn’t be a proper lady otherwise.

    BE Earl, it’s still a good flick, though.

    Cris, ooh! I love Dave!

    Sybil, it would have to be a solo video.

    Dave2, I’ve pushed your victorian sensibilities, I knew it!

    Karl, that joke’s older than you!

    Jay, c’mon, I know you’ve got a tranny on speed dial.

    Jason, too risque?

    Tracy, your sensibilities are entirely too modest.

    Undomestic Diva, I’m anti-fart.

    Sarah, you and your Puritanical ways.

    Willie G, that’s my real plan. Thanks for ruining the secret!

    New Age Bitch, every mansack is different.

    Lisa, you read through the crap in my archives? God, my early posts sucked total donkey nuts.

    Martin, ha!

    Hello, that is a dirty joke!

    Crystal, I’m actually quite demure. Wait, does that mean “erect”?

    Mike, I think that’s genius! Let’s get that going!

    Britt, or I can just keep it up until I burn out completely and leave the internet forever!

    Nina, where are the womanparts?

    Whall, it would be like a meme!

    NYCWD, there was no anaconda – just nutshot.

    Metalmom, it’s barbaric, I know!

    RW, it’s okay. I know you printed it out.

    Delmer, that’s too risque! Gasp!

    Robin, where did your sense of humor go?

    Winter, everybody knows that aliens only do that to drunken rednecks.

    Sue, go for it!

    Becky, if I don’t pressure myself, nobody will.

    DB, very nice.

    TrishK, thank you for complimenting my tiny nutsack.

    Faiqa, does this mean you don’t want to get together for lunch sometime?

    Grant, holy ballsack, Batman!

    Black Hockey Jesus, thanks for listening – hopefully you’ll tune in live tomorrow night!

    Crystal, you start.

    Fantasy Writer Guy, ooh, genius!

    Marty, so you’re saying you like my nuts?

    Kris, yeah that video is fucking creepy.

    Mocha, it just shows that you don’t read me every day like you should. Want me to autograph a picture and send them to you?

    Stephanie, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re more of a retard.

    Poppy, har dee har har. 😛

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