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Along came a spider

Before today’s post, just a few quick reminders:

First, for only $7.00, you can win a chance for a roundtrip ticket to Orlando for the Halloween Party! And if you get your friends to sponsor you by buying tickets in your name, you’ll increase your chances! Right now, only a few people have purchased raffle tickets, so your chances are pretty good of winning at least one of the prizes, including all four Halloween T-shirts. Void where prohibited by law. Just use the button below:

Who is the ticket for?

(If the button doesn’t appear, click here.)

Secondly, you can find all of the new T-shirts in the sidebar where they’ll be for the next month or so.

Finally, don’t forget to email me (my first name at my last name dot com) with a photo of you and/or your spouse or s.o. as a child, teen, or young adult for a cool project we’re doing that will tie into Halloween, even if you’re not attending!

And now back to your regularly scheduled hilarity:

It was another normal work day. Normal meaning, of course, that I was in my underwear, we were at my house, and there was lots of non-work related blog discussion going on.

Around 11, I called out to Britt’s office. “Do you want to go to lunch soon?”

“Siiiiiiigh. I guessss so.” You’d think I was inviting her to be tortured or to watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (which in all truthiness I would totally go see because I love Alexis Bledel).

“Well, we don’t have to. If you want to stay and eat that delicious cottage cheese you brought, you can do that. I’ll just go find a new friend to eat lunch with.”

“Fine, fucker. I will stab you where you stand, so you’d better watch it.”

Ah yes, a normal work day between boss and employee.

We got in her car, cranked up the AC and rolled the windows down to let some of the heat out. Britt pulled out of the driveway and headed towards Mimi’s, the restaurant. I don’t remember exactly what we were discussing, but it went something like this:

“SHOOOOOONMAWKAHWOBBLE,” Britt exhaled a cloud of smoke, “So I’m awesome and you’re not. Suck my nuts.”

“You make my heart hurt when you say those mean and hurtful things,” I pleaded.

“BWAHAHAHA! I laugh at your misery and stomp on your pain!” She cackled.

Anyways, as we were having this conversation, we pulled up to a traffic light and stopped. A truck pulled up next to us and I happened to look over, only to see a spider fly in Britt’s window and land on the inside of the door.

I reached over to quickly kill it, but that’s when Britt saw it. “YIEEEEEE!” she squealed and somehow managed to almost jump over into my lap while keeping her foot on the brake. The little fucker (the spider, not Britt) was quick, and it skittered down the door over to the floor. “ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod,” Britt chanted, almost hyperventilating.

The light turned green and Britt shifted her foot over to the gas while still managing to be half in my seat. As we drove the block to the restaurant, she kept squirming, and rubbing her legs like she could feel it running up her body. “It’s okay,” I said soothingly, “it’s under the seat but it’s not on you. I can see the floor and if it goes for your foot, I’ll tell you, okay? I promise, it’s not going to be on you.”

“YOU CAN’T PROMISE THAT!” She shrieked, continuing to freak out while driving down a major road with cars speeding by us.

“I do promise. You’re going to be okay. Just don’t kill us. Just drive and trust me – it won’t get on your leg.”

She pulled into the parking lot and quickly turned into the first available space. Not even pulling all the way in, she managed to throw the car into Park and leap out of the vehicle in a movement so graceful I would have sworn she was part monkey. “Kill it kill it kill it kill it!” She demanded.

I got out of the car and went over to her side of the car. I pushed her seat all the way back and didn’t see the spider. Then I lifted out her floormat and there it was.

“SEE! I knew it was near my feet! You fucker fucker fucker!” Britt pounded on my shoulder.

I reached down with a receipt that I had picked up and went to kill the innocent little thing. It moved fast though, and disappeared behind the center console. “Damn!”

“Did it get away? Oh God I can never drive this car again!”

“No, no. I got it. It was fast, though.” I used the receipt and quickly grabbed a small piece of food that was on the floor. I mashed it up in the receipt.

“I don’t believe you – show me!” I opened the receipt and showed her the mashed food. “Ewww, okay. Thank you.” We started moving towards the restaurant.

“I just totally saved your life.”

“I know! You’re the best boss ever!”

“As far as you know.” I mumbled.


“Nothing! I said, ‘I’m totally a hero!’ Now, let’s go eat.”

The End. Well, my end at the very least, once she reads this and realizes that spider is still living somewhere in her car.

Make-up, cosmetic surgery, and women’s self-image: Where does the problem start?

For Episode Six of “Clearly, you’re retarded”, Britt and I will be using language to wound at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe. The topic tonight is COSMETIC SURGERY – Why do women feel the need to make themselves look different than their natural look? Join in on the fun by listening live! You can listen live online at, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

56 thoughts on “Along came a spider”

  1. I hate spiders. I walked out the back door this morning and as i got to the bottom step I walked right through a spider web that I didn’t see. Skeeved me out all damn day, i was sure that spider was living in my hair or was in my ear laying eggs to hatch millions of baby spiders to come running out of my eyes and nose and mouth.

    Not that this will happen to Britt when that spider in her center console hatches zillions of even quicker spider babies.

    Or something.

  2. Don’t car engines give off this weird microwave like shit that makes spiders grow to science fiction movie size beasts over about an 8 hour period during warm sumer nights in Southern states? I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere once.

  3. I’m not afraid of spiders. I had tarantulas growing up, so I know how to handle spiders.

    I am, however, scared to death of bees, and anything that sounds like a bee. Bugs with shells freak me out a little, but not as much as bees do.

    And cottage cheese? That’s hospital food. No thank you. I’ll take a double (or triple, whatever!) bacon cheeseburger any day.

  4. i like spiders coz they eat bugs. hate bugs. any spider under the size of a quarter can live inside. when i see one of those giant fuckers i scoop em up (with a cup and paper) and toss their asses outside in the bushes. a girl has gotta draw the line somewhere!

    but adam, lying is NO good. bad adam! you need a spanking.

  5. All of my childhood photos are in VT/TN right now. 🙁 How long do I have before you need one?

    Those spiders are poisonous? Bummer. Well, ya know, just don’t provoke it.

    And, not to be a total idiot, but do IHAVETO fill in the “this ticket is for” field just to buy some raffle tickets?

  6. Are you sure the spider’s still in the car? Because with all that screaming and everything I can imagine he would have bolted at the first opportunity.

    Either that or it got so hot in the car he just fried.

  7. So I hope you’re wearing a cup today at work!
    Can’t wait for the show tonight. Interesting, because I have a lot of trouble wearing a lot of makeup. I don’t like how it makes me feel, which is like I am trying to be someone I’m not.
    Also, today? I buy raffle tickets. Later, though. I want either me or Nina to win, dangit!

  8. My old roommate was that afraid of spiders, too. We used to get those biggish brown spiders sometimes, especially during the winter. One morning while she was getting ready for work (at 4 am) she found a dead one curled up in her shoe. Thankfully I was still awake because I’m pretty sure the rest of the neighborhood was awake by the time she quit screaming. I threw the spider away for her. Then I threw her new shoes away for her. Because a dead spider had been in one of them. Then I checked all of her other shoes for her, just in case. Then I checked her clothes for her. Then I checked the bathroom for her. How come I didn’t get lunch after all that?

  9. I am sooooo scared of spiders — they totally freak me the hell out — that had I been driving instead of Britt, you and I would both be dead. I’d have driven us into a ditch, an 18-wheeler, or a building, out of fear and heebie-jeebies.

    My husband can’t believe the level of spider-radar I have. I walk into a room, any room, and can FEEL if there is a spider in it. Oh, THERE IT IS!!!!!, in the back upper-corner where the wall meets the ceiling, 15 feet diagonal and 8 feet above to where I’m standing. Honey, come here and kill it!!! NOW!!!!!

  10. Poor Britt! Fucking spiders – why do they always try to get in the car? Fumigate!

    Once I put down the sun visor in my car and a huge roach (actually a palmetto bug, but that’s worse because they’re FREAKING HUGE and they FLY!) fell on me. I almost wrecked the car trying to stop it and get the bug off of me.

  11. I must admit, Britt is my new hero, for being able to drive a car, without smashing it, while a spider is inside. I’m damn sure that I couldn’t do that. And naughty you for lying! And yet I almost pissed myself from laughing!!

  12. Now granted that it could’ve been a really nasty spider that, upon biting her, could cause her flesh to melt away in which case her own cosmetic surgery might wind up at the forefront of tonight’s conversation, but I love how she would have been willing to sacrifice both your lives in a vehicle accident to avoid the spider. Funny.

  13. I got an e-mail that said that a spider had hitched a ride on a 747 from Bombay and if it bites you, you could die in 24 hours. More anti-immigration bullshit if you ask me. But, you could have def. saved Britt’s life from a deadly Indian spider. Or wait, you didn’t *actually* kill it. Nice going.

  14. No-one tell Ioma or Dawn or Metalmom that scientists have genetically engineered a flying spider. It’s part bee, part spider and part scorpion. So not only is it the freakiest, scariest thing you’ve ever seen (the spider part), but it can fly at you (bee part) and then sting you repeatedly (scorpion part).

    No really. There’s a video about it on youtube.

  15. Stephanie, there haven’t been spider babies yet, but I’m holding out hope.

    Blondefabulous, but spiders are our friend!

    BPR, I would think you’d be one of those girls who thinks spiders are cool.

    Little LJ, I got lucky.

    Jay, me too – good point!

    Always Home, I think it’s hiding in Britt’s vagina as we speak.

    Nobody, you would have done the same, right?

    BE Earl, they love cigarettes.

    Tracy, she totally says that all the time, too.

    Ioma, amen on the cheeseburger!

    New Age Bitch, I let him live, though!

    Sarah, are your textbooks as expensive as mine were? Like $600?

    Angel, you got attacked too?

    Amanda, I loooooove Rory.

    Willie G, it’s all about the blog fodder.

    Winter, you should have seen her when she saw the rat!

    Freelance Guru, you’re always such an ass to her.

    Fantastagirl, no way – they’re good to have around.

    Janna, yeah, that’s a favorite.

    Britt, heeheehee.

    SciFi Dad, nice!

    Hello, ooh, really?

    Shelli, yeah, I’m getting a taser to protect myself.

    TrishK, that’s crazy talk!

    Turnbaby, you don’t like spiders either?

    Poppy, they’re not poisonous spiders.

    Finn, he might have fried, that is a possibility.

    Em, only if we can do it on HBO so we can have nudity.

    Bucky, totally different people, man.

    Metalmom, who would have thought you’d be scared, too?

    Grant, thanks – I added a link.

    Robin, you’ll have to pay royalties.

    NYCWD, a french fry would.

    Sybil Law, me too – start a campaign!

    Penny, you deserved lunch.

    Dawn, but spiders are good!

    Meg, the pants are implied – I usually don’t leave the house undressed.

    Fiwa, palmetto bugs at least look scary. Spiders look cool.

    Sheila, wimp! And teenage years photos will work.

    Heather, you women with your weak bladders. 😀

    FWG, Miss Muff is my typical nickname for her.

    Becky, I’m not sure how she did it!

    Kapgar, it was so small it probably couldn’t even have pierced the skin.

    Bec, such a girl!

    Faiqa, are there deadly Indian spiders?

    Gwen, the bestest.

    Whall, you fucker. You totally got me.

    Dawn, click the link he gave.

    Poppy, you’re so adventurous!

    Karl, are you afraid of spiders, too?

    NATUI, totally worth a kick in the nuts from Britt, too.

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