For your entertainment:
I once knew a blogger named Karl.
He kept all his semen in a jar.
When he ran out of juice,
He twisted the cap loose,
And drank it alone in his car.
There once was this girl named Sybil,
She acted so normal and civil,
But show her a dick,
And she changed right quick,
Into a pervert who's quite mentally ill.
Britt, Hilly and Becky were drinking,
Some Scotch, vodka, and a pink thing.
They let fly with their boobs
Someone put it on Youtube
And now that's all anyone's been linking.
In New York is a blogger named Nina,
She's too nice and needs to be meana,
When I send pics of my crotch,
She says, "Want to touch",
And doesn't make fun of my wiena.
There was this Frenchie I knew named Poppy,
She was cute and messy and sloppy,
A Dawg brought her home,
And gave her his bone,
And now her hair is just a bit gloppy.
Kapgar and RW - Chicago.
They went out looking for a cheap ho,
Instead they found Mocha,
Wearing a thong and a choker,
And spent hours eating her cocoa.
The Pacific Northwest has a cave,
Where you can find both Tracy and Dave.
They're both a bit weird,
And should rightly be feared,
Unless you're a kitten or puppy to save.
Amanda lives in Missourah,
She's broke and kind of poorah,
I told her the plan
To put cash in her can
Is to become a high-class whorah.
AmyD is a vicious person at heart,
She'll stab you and punch you to start,
And when you beg
She'll kick you in the leg,
She has refined torture to an art.
I cannot forget Earl, Steph, or Jay,
Their comments always make my day.
But it gets kinda creepy,
When at night I get sleepy,
And dream about a big four-way.
There was this god named Avitable.
He was kind and holy and charitable.
He didn't wear pants,
And his balls liked to dance,
If you want to join them, he's feeling hospitable!
And, don't forget!
$7.00 gets you a raffle ticket, and you can win a chance for a roundtrip ticket to Orlando for the Halloween Party! And if you get your friends to sponsor you by buying tickets in your name, you'll increase your chances! Right now, only a few people have purchased raffle tickets, so your chances are pretty good of winning at least one of the prizes, including all four Halloween T-shirts. Void where prohibited by law. Just use the button below:
(If the button doesn't appear, click here.)
Secondly, you can find all of the new T-shirts in the sidebar where they'll be for the next month or so.
Thirdly, don't forget to email me (my first name at my last name dot com) with a photo of you and/or your spouse or s.o. as a child, teen, or young adult for a cool project we're doing that will tie into Halloween, even if you're not attending!
Finally, thanks for listening to the show last night! We had a great time discussing plastic surgery, make-up, self esteem, Botox, and other pressures society places on women today. Please take the time to download our show here, catch it on iTunes, or go to our show page for more options!
If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!
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I'll be putting that business plan of yours into action any day now
Comments by Amanda
I so totally kick puppies when I see them.
Comments by Dave2
I once knew a man named Avitable
Whose rhymes were not at all pitiful
He liked to wear black
and post pics of his sack
with his camera that was digital.
Mine? Not so good.
Yours - awesome!
Comments by Sybil Law
Karl drinks his own juice huh? I may have to rethink that get together invitation he sallyed forth with today.......
Comments by blondefabulous
P.S. Miss Britt's posts come RIGHT UP in my reader, but yours always take at least a half hour. Why the hell is that?!
Comments by Sybil Law
Naughty poems, huh? You've got nothing on John Donne! ;-)
Comments by Thursday's Child
There once was a man named Adam,
pretty much all he wrote made me say "damn".
In front of a mirror,
he took a picture,
we all saw he was not a Madam.
Comments by Mike
Those were freaking brilliant.
I hope you read those at some open mic night at a coffee house soon.
Comments by Jay
There once was a Blogger named Bossy
she was left out of the poem, The End.
Comments by BOSSY
Wow! A four-way with two other dudes, eh? Please tell me that Steph is a Stephanie! ;)
They were all great! Well done!
Comments by B.E. Earl
Now I feel like I have to be witty because I was obviously left out of poem.
There once was a girl name Sarah
who decided she wanted some air-a
so she hopped a plane
told Adam he's a pain
and then went back home again-a
Comments by Sarah
Oh, sweetie, clearly you didn't read my shirt correctly. It says "Swallows".
Take the girl out of nature, can't take the nature out of the girl...
Comments by Poppy
And for the rest of us that were left out of the poem??? What? Do I now have to become Edgar Allen Poe or something?
Geez.
Comments by Lisa
every day my love for you grows just a little bit. today is no different. that was fucking funny.
Comments by hello haha narf
i am seriously not speaking to you for at least one full week.
Comments by Crys
Either I wasn't worthy of a poem or I am just way too complicated and fascinating to possible make one so I'm just going to assume I'm way too good for them.
Comments by Robin
Yes you really should stay with stick figures, btw.
Comments by RW
Thanks–I really needed the image of Karl drinking his own stuff to start my day
Comments by Turnbaby
I have a friend named Adam
he works with a gal named Britt
He left me out of a poem about friends
And now I feel like shit.
Thanks fucker.
Comments by metalmom
I'm impressed. You actually managed to not suck EVERYONE'S ass and possibly offend a few people.
Good for you.
Comments by Miss Britt
The filth per word ratio is truly impressive.
*golf clap*
Comments by SinisterDan
Heh.
Yeah. She got the bone.
And she liked it.
Heh.
Comments by NYCWD
There once was a girl named Finn
Who didn't mind showing some skin
One day on the 'Net
She posted her t-shirt, wet
After she drank all the gin.
Comments by Finn
I take it you changed your mind about not upping the ante and becoming tame.
Comments by Grant
There are lurkers, trolls and stalkers
rss feeders, google readers and bookmarkers
To Avitable's domain we all come to exclaim
Write a poem about ME!!! Mother-farker!!
Comments by Willie G
There once was a pervert in Fla
who crashed the girls' sun tanning spa
they looked at his chest
said "he's got the best"
and now all the girls call him Ma.
Comments by RW
I hope Karl warmed it up first...
Comments by Sue
Was "Delmer" too much of a challenge to rhyme?
(Isn't that how it goes. You post a really creative rhyme and all you get is flack from the 300 people that got left out.)
Comments by delmer
I'm calling foul on "crotch" and "touch" as a rhyme unless you're stoned and from Edinburgh.
Comments by Jozet at Halushki
heehee... that was really well done.
Comments by fiwa
There once was a man named Adam Heath,
Who showed off his package underneath.
He shocked all his peeps.
They shouted, "It gave us the creeps!"
So they demanded that he sheath that 'neath!
Oh, gad. That sucked balls. But not yours.
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Delmer: AND flack from the people he left IN! He cannot win.
Comments by Poppy
I feel so left out.....
J.
Comments by Hoosier Girl
Am I the Steph in the 4 way? Cause..um...I slept through it? Can we try again? Jay? B.E.? WTF? Wait...I'm the only chick?
SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments by Stephanie
Funny stuff, except for the one about me.
Comments by Karl
Karl, you want to take my place in the creepy foursome? Would that help?
Wait...I am NOT drinking for anyone's jar.
Comments by Stephanie
Very good. Will there be poetry reading at the Halloween party? Dirty poetry readings? Heh.
Comments by Winter
Amanda, I can beta test if you want.
Dave2, do not!
Sybil, ha - I like yours!
Blondefabulous, no, you should definitely go see how he tastes. I mean, meet him.
Thursday's Child, I could be presumptuous and pretend I know who that is. But I don't.
Mike, or a special type of madam.
Jay, yup, with my beret and Van Dyke beard.
Bossy, but you just wrote the best poem ever!
BE Earl, yes, it's a Stephanie.
Sarah, again-a and air-a? Don't quit your day job!
Poppy, hahahaha! You know you laughed at "gloppy" though.
Lisa, here you go:
I once knew a blogger named Lisa,
It wasn't too hard to please her,
A slice of cheesecake,
Or two or four or eight,
And through the doorway she wouldn't be able to squeeze-ah.
Hello, someday that love is going to explode out of you like a big ol' gushing orgasm.
Crystal, here's one for you:
A Hawaiian angel named Crystal,
Was gorgeous and smart as a pistol,
She is an avatar from on high
Her angelic nature is nigh
But she never quite learned how to whistle.
Robin, sigh. All these whiners!
There was this chick named Robin,
Her breasts never needed boob-jobbin'.
She was proud of her rack,
Or, as they're called, Jill and Jack,
RW, c'mon, I'm a poet and I don't know it!
Turnbaby, a powerful image, no?
Metalmom, I would have done one for you in the comments, too, but yours was so good!
Britt, why do you hate me?
SinisterDan, I try very hard to keep my filth level high.
NYCWD, yes, we know. Sigh.
Finn, where is this picture?
Grant, what? This wasn't tame?
Willie G, ooh, I like yours better.
RW, hah. Men have boobs.
Sue, it's good cold and salty.
Delmer, no, that's easy:
I knew this tall fucker named Delmer,
(Which is a name stranger than Velma)
When he has time to spare,
He bikes everywhere,
And glues Lycra to his body with Elmer's.
Jozet, poetic license!
Fiwa, well, I'd say it was about half-assed, personally.
Heather, I love that one!
Poppy, I know! I'm getting it from all sides! That's what she said!
Hoosier Girl, sigh.
Hoosier Girl is a blogger who teaches,
She likes truckers and manly men's features,
She likes a team called the Hoosiers,
I don't know if they're winners or losers,
But if you mock them, she'll find you and eatcha.
Stephanie, yes, that's you.
Karl, and that one was hilarious!
Winter, karaoke, yes. Creepy poetry, no.
Comments by Avitable
That's why I'm a science major.
Comments by Sarah
That was really sweet of you to do limericks for the people who bitched and complained! You old softie.
And stop acting all jealous that Dawg gave me his bone.
Comments by Poppy
Sarah, good plan.
Poppy, we're all jealous!
Comments by Avitable
Mocha was anything but cheap, let me tell you. I'm going to be paying out to her till the cows come home. And then some. ;-)
Comments by kapgar
(improper pronunciation required)
There once was an Avitta-ball,
Who slighted the great blog of whall
He poem'ed him not,
His stats went to shot
Now nobody visits at all.
(proper pronunciation now restored)
This one big-ass doof named avitable
Wrote poems so bad they were pitiful.
Offending each one,
(both done and not done)
tittable, clitable, shitable.
(SYSTEM NOTE: the last line of above limerick was automatically censored by this blog's filth-o-meter to adhere to minimum offensive content standards)
This guy that I know has 2 dicks
He's homo and ain't into chicks
He's got two gay buds,
named Phillip and Studz.
Their 3-ways are actually six.
The great blog of whall is now open.
and whall is just sittin' there hopin'
that y'all come and visit
Ifyaneed more, what is it?
Gratuitous lickin' and gropin'??!?
You think you're so highly regarded.
(I hope this news isn't discarded)
But Adam Avitable
and hottie Miss Brittable:
You both are so Clearly Retarded.
Comments by whall