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Fucking hurricane pussies cocksucking shitburger

You know what? A fucking tropical storm is not a hurricane! It’s a little wind and rain. Power might go out for a little bit. A few branches might get knocked down. But we’re talking winds of 50-60 mph max! Stop overreacting, you crazy, crazy fuckers! Closing schools, closing businesses, and selling hurricane supplies all today for a storm that won’t even hit us until Wednesday at 2 AM is fucking retarded. I blame you, Governor Charlie Crist! Stupid numbnut fuck.

Okay, now that rant is over, I’m reminded of the last real hurricane season that Florida saw in 2004. We had literally closed on our new house between Hurricane Charley and Hurricane Frances. We moved in and didn’t even have time to get settled before my wife flew out on the last flight out of Orlando before the airport closed to go to Italy for three weeks. So I was all alone in this big quiet house, living through one of the worst hurricanes that Central Florida had ever seen.

Before she left, Amy went with me to the grocery store to get supplies. We bought plenty of water, some Pop Tarts, and a few cases of those peanut butter crackers and those cream cheese crackers that come in the packs.

Amy asked me, “Are you sure you don’t need more food than this?”

I assured her that I was fine. I was convinced that I could eat crackers and drink water for months without needing any different food.

Amy left.
The storm came.
The power went out.
Two days passed.

“I can’t eat another cracker ever again, no matter how long I live.” I mumbled to myself. I hadn’t spoken to another human being for two full days, since our phones were down and my cell phone didn’t work and I didn’t know my neighbors. “These things are the most evil horrible food ever created.”

Desperately, I started searching for something else I could eat. Since we had just moved into the house, there wasn’t even any random miscellaneous food in the fridge like mayo or pickles. We hadn’t had time to stock the fridge in that way that fridges become when you live somewhere for awhile. In fact, I think the fridge had nothing but milk and water and the freezer only had ice and one frozen pepperoni DiGiorno’s pizza.

“Hmmm,” I thought, staring at the pizza, standing with the freezer door open, watching the melted ice pour out in a steady stream. “I bet I could cook that on the grill.”

First, I turned on my gas grill and set it on medium. I closed the lid and let it reach around 450 degrees. “It’s just like a normal convection oven, Adam,” I said to my reflection in the window.

I tore off four or five sheets of heavy duty aluminum foil and used them to make a cookie sheet for the frozen pizza. I placed the pizza on the aluminum and stuck it on the grill. Immediately, it started sizzling and cooking. In order to keep it like a normal convection oven, I closed the lid and let it cook for 16 minutes.

While I waited, I just laid on the cool kitchen floor and prayed for air conditioning to come back. I may have also inadvertently developed a split personality.

16 minutes later, the pizza smelled great. I opened the grill and a huge black cloud of smoke came billowing out. “Holy fucking rat shit, did you see that?” I asked myself.

“Yeah,” I answered. “I hope the pizza’s not ruined.” Gingerly, I reached in with my tongs and pulled out something that used to be a pizza. A full quarter inch of the bottom of the pizza had been burnt to a solid crisp, forming a blackened shell that was rock hard. The top of the pizza, covered in cheese and pepperoni, was mostly melted and bubbling.

Since I couldn’t eat it like a normal pizza, I decided to eat it the only way possible. I sat it on a plate and, using a spoon, scraped off the cheese and toppings from the pizza and ate it like a really chunky soup. With the exception of a few pieces of charred crust that I got with the spoon, the melty cheese, pepperoni and sauce mixture tasted pretty good. I finished my meal pretty well sated and very happy that I hadn’t had to face another horrible crackers meal. After not too long, I was nodding off out on the couch, where the breeze kept me relatively cool at night.

But not for long.

“Blargalalagalagrrrrrrble”. I jerked awake with a start. Something was wrong.

“Grrgabragglegronblarggghl”. Very wrong.

“BRALARALARGRRALLAGRABBLEBLARGH!” Oh God something was trying to eat its way out of my stomach!

In the pitch black dark I ran for the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, I got a feeling that started in my toes, went all the way up my legs, through my stomach, up my chest, to the top of my head and then shot back down my body until it exited directly out of my ass with the force of the hurricane itself.

My legs shot straight up. One of my shoes flew off. I slammed my head back into the windowsill and snapped the handle off of the drawer on the vanity next to me. The toilet groaned and shook and creaked like the shuttle as it exits the atmosphere.

“Hnn hnn hnn,” I sobbed between explosions.

I wrestled that gastrointestinal monster for the better part of the evening. In the end, all was lost, and I was reduced to a twisted bawling heap crying for my mommy while the smoking crater of the toilet served as a reminder never to grill a frozen pizza.


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63 Replies to “Fucking hurricane pussies cocksucking shitburger”

  1. blondefabulous

    OK, yes, I know it is a tropical storm, and yes I know it is being made a bigger deal that it should be, but dammit man, have you seen my neighbors? They haven’t done shit, which means their yard crap is going to blow all over hell and creation! Plus now they are warning about tornados. I can take a little rain and wind……but the tornados are a WHOLE different ball of shit! :pissed:

  2. Fantastagirl

    I’ve never been through a hurricane, so I would have no clue as to what to do… Blizzards, Ice Storms, Thunderstorms etc. those I understand, and can prepare for.

    LMAO – I was thinking of making grilled pizza tomorrow night for supper (homemade – not frozen.) but now I’m thinking maybe not.

  3. Andria

    Oh. Mah. Gawd. For once, I am glad you don’t have any pictures to go along with this post.

    BTW, what’s with men always taking pics of their shit? When I was in college, it seemed like all the freakin’ guys were taking pics, and showing their shit to each other. Nothing like seeing turds curled in a toilet bowl.

  4. SciFi Dad

    I don’t think it was the grilling that did it… I think the pizza was bad from 2d of no power.

    When we were looking for a new grill, we went to a sort of mini-expo a local hardware store was having for Weber. They were baking cookies and lasagna on gas grills.

  5. Grant

    Paula Dean recently showed how to grill pizza so maybe the bug came from something else. Try a few more to see how you react. Maybe a different brand would be better. Just to be sure, eat at least three of each brand.

  6. Poppy

    … Did you post this somewhere before? It feels like a repeat.

    Then again, I had a few psychic/intuitive moments yesterday that freaked people out so badly they left the room and wouldn’t come near me again, so this could be a residual of that.

    Pizza is always worth the other side.

  7. Finn

    My favorite part of this tropical storm has been watching the news… seeing the graphic saying “Fay Pounds Naples” and watching the reporter standing there with no wind and no rain and still trying to make it sound grave. :lmao:

    It’s been breezy here and occasionally windy with intermittent heavy rain. Nothing much different from a bad summer storm.

  8. just beth

    bwaaahahahahahaaahaaa! Oh god. I love the part about how you ripped the handle off of the vanity. Although having pretty recently suffered my own bout of Radical Pooping, after I laughed I kinda felt bad for you. don’t worry, I’ll get over it.

    I hope your tropical storm stays that way.

    xo

    b. :puke:

  9. martymankins

    Pizza good. BBQ’d in the middle of a fucking hurricane…. BAD.

    The gurgled lower intestine story…. GREAT. Sorry you had to go through that to tell it to at least 40 of your closest blogger buddies, but too damn funny. :shit:

  10. Evil Genius

    This was hysterical! Oh, but, we’re not laughing AT you, we’re laughing WITH you, you know? :thumbsup:

    Seriously though, I hope you’re better stocked for this storm. Either that or you’ve had your toilet reinforced. LOL

  11. fiwa

    This works out well – I look at Jay’s post and see pictures of donuts, I read yours and want to puke. Keeps me from eating the donuts.

    My husband did the same thing once – assured himself he could eat off of one food for a few days. His was canned oysters or something gross like that. I don’t think he’s ever eaten another one.

  12. Crys

    sweetie, you should try the Midwest and all our “snow days”. which =s one inch. it’s rad, no school, everybody gets into a wreck, people panic about white stuff that comes from God. everybody needs to man up before i do something hysterical, like sing

  13. Mocha

    Why are your poop stories so funny? In fact, why is poop so funny? And farts?

    This was not, however, an invitation to tell me more of them. Just to say that when you do they’re kinda funny.

  14. Avitable

    Karen, it was amusing in retrospect.

    Amanda, well, to be fair, they’re usually just general bathroom stories.

    Winter, lots of funny things happen in the throne room.

    Dave, I’m sure you are!

    LMSS, I ordered delivery. The delivery guys didn’t close down.

    Blondefabulous, now you see that it was absolutely nothing, right?

    TSM, well, it was quite an adventure.

    Mary, good luck!

    Fantastagirl, maybe I grilled it wrong?

    Hello, that one is your favorite? Out of all the awesome ones?

    BE Earl, I would actually come to the armpit of the US aka NYC to try a slice of pizza.

    BPR, that happened to me last night, too.

    Andria, I would never take a picture of my shit. That’s horrible!

    Sybil, suuure. Laugh at my pain.

    Sarah, especially if it was pizza.

    Penny, nope – I love stuffed crust pizza.

    Dan, have you learned nothing?

    Janna, yeah, but it was only Tuesday.

    Lisa, I was crazy from hunger.

    NYCWD, I’m a trendsetter, what can I say?

    RW, yeah, she’s not that bad.

    Britt, you might have to at this point.

    SciFi Dad, yeah, that might have been it, too. Not that I’ll ever try again.

    Gwen, who doesn’t?

    Delmer, my life’s one big adventure.

    Robin, I must have slept through that class.

    Grant, I’m getting gurgly just thinking about it.

    Becky, but not poop your pants funny, so that’s good.

    Sam, Vile is my middle name!

    John, explosive diarrhea is usually hilarious.

    Poppy, I think I’ve told a brief version of this story before, yeah.

    Diva, my posts may cause expectoration.

    Bucky, and they love you!

    Maria, that’s what I’m good for!

    Turnbaby, I’m not safe for work – you should know that!

    Heather, nah – grill them and let me know how it goes.

    Spin, as long as your ass didn’t.

    Finn, yeah, it’s fucking ridiculous, and I’m without Britt for three days as a result.

    Dragon, oh, there was no wind breaking there. Just the ceramic.

    Just Beth, we can commiserate.

    Bossy, I’d be the guy who would kill one of the judges with his food by accident.

    Maggie, amazing is one word for it. Stupid might be the other!

    Angie, I know!

    TrishK, I have really good night vision. And toilet radar.

    Marty, I’m willing to embarrass myself for all of you.

    Metalmom, I know – I should have just thrown it in the crapper.

    Evil Genius, I decided to fast.

    Sheila, sit ups are evil!

    Fiwa, canned oysters? Okay, that’s much, much worse.

    Michelle, I have that effect on people.

    FWG, give it a try – let me know how it tastes.

    Faiqa, that sucks – we’ll have to get together some other time, then.

    Jay, best and only!

    Shelli, no, that’s what the housekeeper is for!

    Crystal, I know. I hate this shit.

    Mocha, I’ll write up some private memoirs to email you.

    Stephanie, good luck!

    Annette, I’m used to the heavily processed stuff.

    Some Girl, yeah, you’ve been missing for a loooong time!

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