You know what? A fucking tropical storm is not a hurricane! It's a little wind and rain. Power might go out for a little bit. A few branches might get knocked down. But we're talking winds of 50-60 mph max! Stop overreacting, you crazy, crazy fuckers! Closing schools, closing businesses, and selling hurricane supplies all today for a storm that won't even hit us until Wednesday at 2 AM is fucking retarded. I blame you, Governor Charlie Crist! Stupid numbnut fuck.
Okay, now that rant is over, I'm reminded of the last real hurricane season that Florida saw in 2004. We had literally closed on our new house between Hurricane Charley and Hurricane Frances. We moved in and didn't even have time to get settled before my wife flew out on the last flight out of Orlando before the airport closed to go to Italy for three weeks. So I was all alone in this big quiet house, living through one of the worst hurricanes that Central Florida had ever seen.
Before she left, Amy went with me to the grocery store to get supplies. We bought plenty of water, some Pop Tarts, and a few cases of those peanut butter crackers and those cream cheese crackers that come in the packs.
Amy asked me, "Are you sure you don't need more food than this?"
I assured her that I was fine. I was convinced that I could eat crackers and drink water for months without needing any different food.
Amy left.
The storm came.
The power went out.
Two days passed.
"I can't eat another cracker ever again, no matter how long I live." I mumbled to myself. I hadn't spoken to another human being for two full days, since our phones were down and my cell phone didn't work and I didn't know my neighbors. "These things are the most evil horrible food ever created."
Desperately, I started searching for something else I could eat. Since we had just moved into the house, there wasn't even any random miscellaneous food in the fridge like mayo or pickles. We hadn't had time to stock the fridge in that way that fridges become when you live somewhere for awhile. In fact, I think the fridge had nothing but milk and water and the freezer only had ice and one frozen pepperoni DiGiorno's pizza.
"Hmmm," I thought, staring at the pizza, standing with the freezer door open, watching the melted ice pour out in a steady stream. "I bet I could cook that on the grill."
First, I turned on my gas grill and set it on medium. I closed the lid and let it reach around 450 degrees. "It's just like a normal convection oven, Adam," I said to my reflection in the window.
I tore off four or five sheets of heavy duty aluminum foil and used them to make a cookie sheet for the frozen pizza. I placed the pizza on the aluminum and stuck it on the grill. Immediately, it started sizzling and cooking. In order to keep it like a normal convection oven, I closed the lid and let it cook for 16 minutes.
While I waited, I just laid on the cool kitchen floor and prayed for air conditioning to come back. I may have also inadvertently developed a split personality.
16 minutes later, the pizza smelled great. I opened the grill and a huge black cloud of smoke came billowing out. "Holy fucking rat shit, did you see that?" I asked myself.
"Yeah," I answered. "I hope the pizza's not ruined." Gingerly, I reached in with my tongs and pulled out something that used to be a pizza. A full quarter inch of the bottom of the pizza had been burnt to a solid crisp, forming a blackened shell that was rock hard. The top of the pizza, covered in cheese and pepperoni, was mostly melted and bubbling.
Since I couldn't eat it like a normal pizza, I decided to eat it the only way possible. I sat it on a plate and, using a spoon, scraped off the cheese and toppings from the pizza and ate it like a really chunky soup. With the exception of a few pieces of charred crust that I got with the spoon, the melty cheese, pepperoni and sauce mixture tasted pretty good. I finished my meal pretty well sated and very happy that I hadn't had to face another horrible crackers meal. After not too long, I was nodding off out on the couch, where the breeze kept me relatively cool at night.
But not for long.
"Blargalalagalagrrrrrrble". I jerked awake with a start. Something was wrong.
"Grrgabragglegronblarggghl". Very wrong.
"BRALARALARGRRALLAGRABBLEBLARGH!" Oh God something was trying to eat its way out of my stomach!
In the pitch black dark I ran for the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, I got a feeling that started in my toes, went all the way up my legs, through my stomach, up my chest, to the top of my head and then shot back down my body until it exited directly out of my ass with the force of the hurricane itself.
My legs shot straight up. One of my shoes flew off. I slammed my head back into the windowsill and snapped the handle off of the drawer on the vanity next to me. The toilet groaned and shook and creaked like the shuttle as it exits the atmosphere.
"Hnn hnn hnn," I sobbed between explosions.
I wrestled that gastrointestinal monster for the better part of the evening. In the end, all was lost, and I was reduced to a twisted bawling heap crying for my mommy while the smoking crater of the toilet served as a reminder never to grill a frozen pizza.
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omg i have tears streaming down my face....DYING LAUGHING...
Comments by Karen Sugarpants
You have a lot of funny poop stories
Comments by Amanda
Any of your stories that include the toilet are prize winners in my book! I am laughing sooo freaking hard.
Comments by Winter
OMG! I am so totally hungry for pizza now!
Comments by Dave2
I hope you have something other than peanut butter crackers and frozen pizza this time.
If it's really a hurricane, c'mon over. I'm making a lemon-sour cream coffee cake.
Comments by Little Miss Sunshine State
OK, yes, I know it is a tropical storm, and yes I know it is being made a bigger deal that it should be, but dammit man, have you seen my neighbors? They haven't done shit, which means their yard crap is going to blow all over hell and creation! Plus now they are warning about tornados. I can take a little rain and wind......but the tornados are a WHOLE different ball of shit!
Comments by blondefabulous
I love how you can make a "I ate pizza and got the shits" story so damned entertaining!
Comments by TSM
Damn it. I had pizza for dinner tonight, and now I won't be able to sleep.
Comments by Mary
I've never been through a hurricane, so I would have no clue as to what to do... Blizzards, Ice Storms, Thunderstorms etc. those I understand, and can prepare for.
LMAO - I was thinking of making grilled pizza tomorrow night for supper (homemade - not frozen.) but now I'm thinking maybe not.
Comments by Fantastagirl
ouch.
my ass hurts in solidarity with you.
fucking hurricanes!
well, at least i have a chance to use my favorite "smilie"
Comments by hello haha narf
I told you the best pizza comes from NY.
Delivery or DiGiorno my ass! Or your ass, in this case.
Comments by B.E. Earl
hrumph.
we lost power for five hours today. without a storm.
Comments by bluepaintred
Oh. Mah. Gawd. For once, I am glad you don't have any pictures to go along with this post.
BTW, what's with men always taking pics of their shit? When I was in college, it seemed like all the freakin' guys were taking pics, and showing their shit to each other. Nothing like seeing turds curled in a toilet bowl.
Comments by Andria
Comments by Sybil Law
It's a good thing I don't eat while I read your posts.
Comments by Sarah
Was it the stuffed crust? Cause I had a similar experience. Though it could have been the Sparkling Cider I drank with it.
Comments by penny
What a delightful story to read just before having my breakfast. Thanks.
Although, thinking about it I really should have known better to come here before I ate.
Comments by Dan
Congratulations on being the first person this week to make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurt.
Comments by Janna
You are such an intelligent man. I just can't help wondering what you were thinking when you thought you could grill a frozen pizza???
Comments by Lisa
I've never heard of ANYONE eating pizza with a spoon before.
You truly are an originator.
Comments by NYCWD
Wow... I thought those sounds were Britt smoking. Whew. This was like a very bad dream...
Comments by RW
Hey, I can always bring the kids to work with me.
Comments by Miss Britt
I don't think it was the grilling that did it... I think the pizza was bad from 2d of no power.
When we were looking for a new grill, we went to a sort of mini-expo a local hardware store was having for Weber. They were baking cookies and lasagna on gas grills.
Comments by SciFi Dad
I love a good poop story!
Comments by Gwen
I love these Drama in Real Life stories.
Comments by delmer
Aren't these the kind of things you are supposed to learn in your college years?
Comments by Robin
Paula Dean recently showed how to grill pizza so maybe the bug came from something else. Try a few more to see how you react. Maybe a different brand would be better. Just to be sure, eat at least three of each brand.
Comments by Grant
Only you can make pizza and poop into a piss your pants story! You amaze me!!
Comments by Becky
You are so incredibly vile.
I love you.
Comments by sam {temptingmama}
Now THAT was one rippin' good yarn!
Too effing funny. : )
Comments by John
... Did you post this somewhere before? It feels like a repeat.
Then again, I had a few psychic/intuitive moments yesterday that freaked people out so badly they left the room and wouldn't come near me again, so this could be a residual of that.
Pizza is always worth the other side.
Comments by Poppy
You really should post a awarning with your entries. I just spit tea all over my desk. Thanks for another great story!!
Comments by diva65
I love poop posts.
Comments by Bucky
*lmao*
That's just what I needed this morning - a good laugh. Thank you. :)
Comments by Maria
Thanks for making me 'snort' at work!
Comments by Turnbaby
Note to self: Take frozen pizzas out of freezer and throw away. Chuck grill over deck railing to be smashed on the ground two stories below.
Thanks for adding to my "To Do" list! Ass.
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
You had my laughing so hard my sides hurt!
Comments by spin
My favorite part of this tropical storm has been watching the news... seeing the graphic saying "Fay Pounds Naples" and watching the reporter standing there with no wind and no rain and still trying to make it sound grave.
It's been breezy here and occasionally windy with intermittent heavy rain. Nothing much different from a bad summer storm.
Comments by Finn
Guess the hurricane wasn't the only nasty wind blowing that night, eh? Great story.
Comments by Dragon
bwaaahahahahahaaahaaa! Oh god. I love the part about how you ripped the handle off of the vanity. Although having pretty recently suffered my own bout of Radical Pooping, after I laughed I kinda felt bad for you. don't worry, I'll get over it.
I hope your tropical storm stays that way.
xo
b.
Comments by just beth
Wow. You should be on Top Chef.
Comments by BOSSY
You. are. amazing.
Awesome post, dude.
Comments by maggie, dammit
I'm SO PISSED at these friggin 'scare SCARE SCAAARRREEEE' hurricane chasers. Closing school on the 2nd day of freedom, I mean school.
IT'S RAIN.
Comments by A Whole Lot of Nothing
I'm just amazed you made it to the bathroom in the dark!
Comments by trishk
Pizza good. BBQ'd in the middle of a fucking hurricane.... BAD.
The gurgled lower intestine story.... GREAT. Sorry you had to go through that to tell it to at least 40 of your closest blogger buddies, but too damn funny.
Comments by martymankins
That was a shitty post.
Comments by metalmom
This was hysterical! Oh, but, we're not laughing AT you, we're laughing WITH you, you know?
Seriously though, I hope you're better stocked for this storm. Either that or you've had your toilet reinforced. LOL
Comments by Evil Genius
I was working so hard to keep my laughing noises silent - now my stomach and sides hurt. The pain vaguely reminds me of that one time I did sit ups.
Comments by Sheila (Charm School Reject)
This works out well - I look at Jay's post and see pictures of donuts, I read yours and want to puke. Keeps me from eating the donuts.
My husband did the same thing once - assured himself he could eat off of one food for a few days. His was canned oysters or something gross like that. I don't think he's ever eaten another one.
Comments by fiwa
Gross story but i couldn't look away!! In fact, i now have the visual of you on the bowl!!! I may be scared for life!!!
M
Comments by michelle
Dammit. I wish you'd have forewarned of the gastro-disaster. I spent all that time writing down the recipe for souppizza for nothing.
Fucker.
Comments by Fantasy Writer Guy
It is just scary how that first paragraph reflected exactly how I feel. Verbatim. The pizza story was HILARIOUS. I love dookie humor. And, yes, I am *really* going to PK in Oct.
Comments by Faiqa Khan
Best pizza-poop story. EVER!
Comments by Jay
Yeah, but(t) did you leave the crater of a toilet for Amy to clean when she got home in 3 weeks?
Comments by Shelli
sweetie, you should try the Midwest and all our "snow days". which =s one inch. it's rad, no school, everybody gets into a wreck, people panic about white stuff that comes from God. everybody needs to man up before i do something hysterical, like sing
Comments by Crys
Why are your poop stories so funny? In fact, why is poop so funny? And farts?
This was not, however, an invitation to tell me more of them. Just to say that when you do they're kinda funny.
Comments by Mocha
I just had Digiorno Foccacia Crust Pizza for dinner.
I have to poop.
Okay then. Bye.
Comments by Stephanie
How you didn't geet the shits from that first stuff you ate is beyond me...
Comments by Annette
I saw the news this morning and said to The Boy, "Huh. I wonder how Avitable is doing." I had no idea you were suffering this badly from PTSD.
Comments by some girl
Karen, it was amusing in retrospect.
Amanda, well, to be fair, they're usually just general bathroom stories.
Winter, lots of funny things happen in the throne room.
Dave, I'm sure you are!
LMSS, I ordered delivery. The delivery guys didn't close down.
Blondefabulous, now you see that it was absolutely nothing, right?
TSM, well, it was quite an adventure.
Mary, good luck!
Fantastagirl, maybe I grilled it wrong?
Hello, that one is your favorite? Out of all the awesome ones?
BE Earl, I would actually come to the armpit of the US aka NYC to try a slice of pizza.
BPR, that happened to me last night, too.
Andria, I would never take a picture of my shit. That's horrible!
Sybil, suuure. Laugh at my pain.
Sarah, especially if it was pizza.
Penny, nope - I love stuffed crust pizza.
Dan, have you learned nothing?
Janna, yeah, but it was only Tuesday.
Lisa, I was crazy from hunger.
NYCWD, I'm a trendsetter, what can I say?
RW, yeah, she's not that bad.
Britt, you might have to at this point.
SciFi Dad, yeah, that might have been it, too. Not that I'll ever try again.
Gwen, who doesn't?
Delmer, my life's one big adventure.
Robin, I must have slept through that class.
Grant, I'm getting gurgly just thinking about it.
Becky, but not poop your pants funny, so that's good.
Sam, Vile is my middle name!
John, explosive diarrhea is usually hilarious.
Poppy, I think I've told a brief version of this story before, yeah.
Diva, my posts may cause expectoration.
Bucky, and they love you!
Maria, that's what I'm good for!
Turnbaby, I'm not safe for work - you should know that!
Heather, nah - grill them and let me know how it goes.
Spin, as long as your ass didn't.
Finn, yeah, it's fucking ridiculous, and I'm without Britt for three days as a result.
Dragon, oh, there was no wind breaking there. Just the ceramic.
Just Beth, we can commiserate.
Bossy, I'd be the guy who would kill one of the judges with his food by accident.
Maggie, amazing is one word for it. Stupid might be the other!
Angie, I know!
TrishK, I have really good night vision. And toilet radar.
Marty, I'm willing to embarrass myself for all of you.
Metalmom, I know - I should have just thrown it in the crapper.
Evil Genius, I decided to fast.
Sheila, sit ups are evil!
Fiwa, canned oysters? Okay, that's much, much worse.
Michelle, I have that effect on people.
FWG, give it a try - let me know how it tastes.
Faiqa, that sucks - we'll have to get together some other time, then.
Jay, best and only!
Shelli, no, that's what the housekeeper is for!
Crystal, I know. I hate this shit.
Mocha, I'll write up some private memoirs to email you.
Stephanie, good luck!
Annette, I'm used to the heavily processed stuff.
Some Girl, yeah, you've been missing for a loooong time!
Comments by Avitable
i have lots of favorites. at that moment,
was my favorite.
right now?
but then again, i am kind of horny.
Comments by hello haha narf
thanks...it was a good one. Hungry?
Comments by Stephanie
Hello, horny for bananas.
Stephanie, mmm, poopy ice cream.
Comments by Avitable