For every smart, normal client we have, we have 10 who are gob-smacked morons. I purposely obfuscate the nature of the business I run for obvious reasons, but for clarity’s sake, just understand that we sell a service to professionals – people with advanced degrees and higher education.
Here’s an example of a recent phone call we received. I’ve made a few changes for privacy:
The phone rings.
Me: Hi and thanks for calling The Fucknuttery. This is Adam.
Them: ….
Me: Hi and thanks for calling The Fucknuttery. This is Adam. Can I help you?
Them: ….
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello?
Me: Can I help you?
Them: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Them: Is this The Fucknuttery?
Me: Yes. Can I help you?
Them: I’m looking to purchase some fucknuts, but I can’t tell how to order them on your website.
Me: Did you see the section of our website called “How to order?”
Them: No, it’s not there. I also couldn’t figure out how much the fucknuts cost.
Me: Did you see the section of our website called “Pricing?”
Them: I don’t see a section like that. I also don’t know what fucknuts are.
Me: You don’t know what they are?
Them: No, but I was searching for dipshits, and your site told me I had to buy fucknuts instead.
Me: I don’t think our site says that – dipshits are a completely different product. We don’t sell those or mention those anywhere.
Them: I’m looking at your site right now and it says, under where I typed “dipshits”, “Did you mean fucknuts?”
Me: What website are you on?
Them: Ummm, let me see. double-u double-u double-u dot google dot com.
Me: That’s not our website.
Them: You’re not Google?
Me: No, we are The Fucknuttery.
Them: Well, why is your information on here?
Me: Because you’re on a search engine. We are just one of the listings on there.
Them: Well, what’s your website?
Me: www…
Them: www…
Me: TheFucknuttery.com
Them: Vfucknuttery.com?
Me: No, [thee].
Them: “V”?
Me: No, [thuh].
Them: What?
Me: T
Them: T
Me: H
Them: H
Me: E
Them: E
….
Them: Ohhhh! [thee]!
Me: TheFucknuttery.com
Them: Okay, got it. Now what exactly is a fucknut?
Me: It’s a specific type of widget designed to help you flockle your hoosenagel.
Them: How much does it cost?
Me: Around $3,000, but we guarantee that it will work or you get a full refund.
Them: That’s too much money. I can flockle my own hoosenagels. *click*
Sidenotes of Whoredom and Pushiness:
If you’re thinking of coming to the Halloween party, please go comment on the page I’ve set up: http://www.avitable.com/neverwas/.
As of 11:35 tonight, when I’m writing this post, I have 202 votes in the Hot Male Blogger Calendar contest. That’s one shy of me having to remove the last piece of the picture! Wow, you guys are impressive!
I’m assuming that by Sunday at midnight, I’ll get at least one more vote, so plan on the big reveal to happen Monday. Don’t stop voting, though! I want to make sure I stay in the top 12 until voting ends!
Keep voting by using this link or the widget below.
Finally, did you see my new T-shirt? It’s stolen from a bumper sticker that RW saw:
Enjoy this post? Try these:
Treasure among trash: the London Symphony Orchestra in Daytona Beach
My version of the Emmy Awards.
Fuck you world
Twitter: Blogography
says:
Heaven help us all.
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You’ve gotten me all excited here with words like fucknuttery and hoosenagles, and the hawt picture.
:woohoo:
Let’s see some fucknuttery around here!
:cock:
Also, I feel for you. 90 % of the people around us are idiots. On the phone, it’s like their already constricted oxygen is being depleted that much more!
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
Not that I was looking in the area for any specific reason, but your thigh looks awfully red… was everything alright?
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I have to give you a call. My hoosenagel hasn’t been flockled in SOOOO long and it could really use it.
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And here I was, thinking I had the founder of Google in my hot blogger contest. What a letdown.
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But, did he know what an “Arm’s Length Transaction” is?
*siiiighhh*
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I am glad that I don’t have to speak to my customers on the phone. Email is bad enough.
216 – take it off!
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you know, I have an email from you specifically stating that you would never do the full Monty on avitable.com.
I TRUSTED YOU!!!
(is my iTouch in the mail?)
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Dear God I’ve got to stay off this site until next week. My butt keeps clenching out of fear of what I may see. :poke:
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Oh and, congratulations on “finishing the entire website today!”
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See? you of all people should know that doctors are often dummies
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I’m totally liking the t-shirt. I want one actually.
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In my experience, nine out of ten people are morons, not just your customers. But this one is right, $3,000 is way too much for a fucknut! I might pay $3000 for that shirt though.
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He’ll probably get the dipshits instead and be all fucked and then come back for some fucknuts afterall… Gotta love those… they make the day so much more ehm… fun… sorta…
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Someone is going to buy fucknuttery.com before the day is over….
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Educated people can be some of the stupidest mutha fuckers! Really!
So Monday , huh? I’ll mark my calendar! :sex023:
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
And suddenly, visiting this site becomes something I have to do when my daughter is in bed…
“Daddy?”
“Yes sweetheart?”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m reading blogs.”
“Oh! Are there any cute baby pictures? Let me come look!”
“Nooo…” (as I try to close the lid to my laptop)
“Daddy?”
“Why is that man so hairy?”
“Well, because some men have lots of hair.”
“Well, he definitely has LOTS of hair.”
“Yup.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes sweetie?”
“Why is he wearing purple panties?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. I don’t know.”
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It’s January 20, actually.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
That guy called BACK???
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
It seems that many of the people who actually want fucknuts are this intelligent as well, which is very, VERY scary to me.
That shirt is fuh-nee, but I refuse to wear him on my body.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
scifi dad cracked me the fuck up.
ya know, i find it hard to believe that those of us who want to see you naked are the minority. take it off!!!
your customers scare me. seriously. you should meet them all in person and slap the dumbasses.
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Adam your pretty freakin hot!!! Really you are! Even though you are quite hairy!!! :O)
I will vote for you, you hot hairy person!!!
M
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I want a fucknut, can I get one at amazon.com?
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Currently at 237 – I guess Monday will be… interesting.
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sometimes I do NOT miss working outside the home at *all*
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
Come oooooooooooooooooooonnnn. Take it off!!
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I have bookmarked VFucknuttery. I assume that any day now my hoosenagel will start being flockled? Don’t worry, if it doesn’t work I’ll just call you.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
C’mon, Jackie Chan!! Use your martial arts skillz to prevent him from talking off those panties. C’mon, Jackie Chan!!!
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Oh Dear…Do I dare stop by on Monday?? I don’t think my poor elderly eye balls can take it.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
BUWAHAHAHAHA!!! I don’t know if it’s that you’re wearing down my sensibilities regarding humor, but that was damned funny. I think you should change your party to November 6, because I’ll be back on Nov. 5. Think about it. :thumbsup:
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Someone has to graduate at the bottom of the class, even the rocket scientist class.
That purple bit still frightens me. Or rather what’s under it.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Wow. Even my idiot savants know that Google is a search engine. Of course, when I overhear them talking about how much it must cost them to run it… ’cause you know… the price of gas and stuff… I lose all hope.
Monday coming… end of times… end of times
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You know what? I am happy being a dork. My life feels more complete. SO THERE!
:tongue1: <—I wanted a smiley that was sticking out it’s tongue in a juvenile manner. this was the closest you had :crazywife:
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LMAO @ Fucknuttery. : )
Generally, I’ve found that one’s command of common sense is proportionally opposite to their level of higher education.
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
Dealing with the stupid is so annoying.
Monday is the “big” reveal?
Well I guess we’ll find out.
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So I pretty much have no choice except to see you naked now do I?
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
That is a lot to flockle my hoosenagel. If I’m not satisfied, will you personally flockle my hoosenagel or will you outsource my flockling?
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oh, i might have to get that Bush t-shirt, too. you’re so clever, Adam.
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God dammit Adam. Don’t you do it. I refuse to explain to anyone that I have seen your naked cornhole and wedding tackle.
And just think. A couple of years ago, I stumbled across this entertaining blog with a banner of some dood eating ice cream with hitler, and I downloaded the church of avitable icon.
And now, I’m sitting here hoping against hope that I won’t see the guy with the ice cream nude.
:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:
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*snicker*….wedding tackle.
1) You’re chafing.
2) The higher the education, the further the lobotomy. Which is why I decided to stop at a BA, although, some days I feel like I’ve got my Masters of Idiots.
3) I’m scared.
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I was assured when I called that our conversation would not be posted on your blog.
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I’m still not convinced that should the purple speedo come off we’re going to see nakedness underneath. And while we may hear a collective sigh of relief from most everyone else… I’m going to be a little annoyed.
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Oh and do you by any chance sell things to physicians? Because they can be really dumb people sometimes.
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
They’re here too! 1 in 10 is an awesome ratio. I wish I could think about going down to that ratio.
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Mmmmmmm fucknuts, droooooool. Do they come in salted and unsalted?
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Contrary to my latest blogpost, I am camped out here each day, waiting to see what’s next.
:cock:
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Cease voting!
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If I could flockle my own hoosenagels I’d never leave the house.
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Of course, the Neverwas, I’m such an idiot. ‘Brother Odd’, right? I think that’s the name of the book. I enjoyed the shit out of that book. So stupid, forgive my random moment of clarity.
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You have no idea who much my hoosenagel needs flockling.
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Where do I go to vote for you to NOT take the last part off?
Do you think the guys who call your business are the same guys who make the policies in my school corporation?
J.
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Wow! You own the Fucknuttery? I could swear I saw that store in the Mall…
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What only worries me, is that those people are normally medical staff.
/shudder
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I have just voted for you. I don’t always comment but I do enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for the laughs. XX
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Dave2, it’s out of God’s hands now.
Sybil, fucknuttery isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds.
Amanda, you don’t have flushed thighs when you’re masturbating?
Suebob, we guarantee a successful flockling!
Jane, unfortunately, no. I’d buy my own calendar company in that case.
AmyD, most definitely not.
Penny, the emails we get are even worse!
BPR, you do? When did I send you that email?
Stephanie, your vagina keeps vibrating in excitement, though.
Beth, yeah, but I trust their clinical knowledge.
Kevin, you can order one by clicking the image!
Kimberly, I’ll make you a deal!
DB, sorta no!
Bucky, it’s a great idea!
Blondefabulous, I should have sent out email reminders!
SciFi Dad, purple manties are child-safe.
RW, thanks. I fixed it.
Britt, yes. He spoke great English, too.
Poppy, so you’re anti-Bush on your body?
Hello, I think they’re definitely in the minority.
Michelle, thanks!
Robin, no – only through The Fucknuttery!
ScottieC, interesting is a good word for it.
Christie, yeah, that would be a good thing sometimes.
Maria, I aim to disappoint!
Jen, I can send a flockler down immediately.
BE Earl, Jackie’s pro-nudity.
TrishK, but your boobs are young, so you can probably take it.
Faiqa, damn. Maybe next year. Or you can joing us from Pakistan via satellite. Unless you don’t have high-speed over there.
Finn, these people ALL sound like they graduated at the bottom.
NYCWD, well, the site they were actually seeing is a more specific niched search engine, but the point remains.
BPR, I’m happy being a dork, too!
John, that might be true. I don’t have much common sense at all.
Jay, big, small, average, cold and shrunk – whatever.
Sarah, well, you are coming to the party, right?
Kapgar, we’ll outsource it.
Crystal, I just steal the ideas from others.
Todd, hope it didn’t give you another heart attack!
Jennifer, so since I have a doctorate, I’m a moron?
Sarcastica, ha!
Em, physicians can be complete idiots outside of the clinical world, it’s true.
Mike, they’ve invaded our world!
Dragon, salty and unshaven.
Hilly, suuuure. I know you hate me. *sob*
Wayne, too late!
EG, me too!
Ghost of Keywork, actually, it’s not from that, but that’s a great book. I love Dean Koontz.
Bec, oh, I think I know.
HG, those are probably the very same people.
Winter, that was our competitor, the Fuckfacery.
Jordie, is that why you only want to play doctor with me?
Selma, thanks for the vote! I read you, too, but I don’t comment very much.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Rare form today, Mr. Avitable. I prefer well done.
Go for well done!
(And, to answer your question, yes. Just like every other girl in the Blogosphere except one.)
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Hehe…you said vibrate and vagina…hehe….
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Poppy, who’s the one?
Stephanie, got you all hot and bothered now, didn’t I?
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