These are the conversations as I imagined them at the time:
A conversation between two girls in my fifth grade class.
Girl 1: I don’t know what it is, but whenever that Adam Avitable pulls my hair or pinches me, I feel all warm.
Girl 2: I can tell! Even though you scowl and tell him that you hate him, it doesn’t feel like you’re telling the whole truth.
Girl 1: It’s like I hate him and can’t get enough of him at the same time. Even though I ran over and told Mrs. Mudrey that he’s hitting me, I hope he never stops.
Girl 2: Ooh, your wish is about to come true – here he comes again!
A conversation between two girls during my junior year of high school.
Girl 1: Did you see how that Adam Avitable pulled up to his parking space going top speed?
Girl 2: I sure did! And did you notice that his tires squealed and he was blaring hardcore rap out of his windows at the same time?
Girl 1: Oh yes. And when he got out of his car with his Ray Bans . . .
Girl 2: . . . and his sleeves rolled up . . .
Girl 1: He must be one of the coolest, hottest guys around.
Girl 2: I wholeheartedly concur.
A conversation between two senior girls during my freshman year of college.
Girl 1: Hey, do you see that guy who was already in the classroom when we walked in, reading a book?
Girl 2: The one in the trenchcoat? That’s Adam Avitable, and he’s famous because he was in MAD Magazine.
Girl 1: Oh, that’s Adam? Ohmygod, he’s even cuter in person!
Girl 2: I know! I would totally go over and ask him if he wants to have sex with me, but I’m just too shy.
Girl 1: Me too! Ooh, he’s looking over here! I’m so shy that I’ll just give him a look of disgust and hope that he reads between the lines.
Girl 2: I’ll just pretend to ignore anything he says or does like he really doesn’t even show up on my radar in any way and hope he sees the truth.
(This post was inspired by the absolutely hilarious book “Free-Range Chickens”, by Simon Rich, one of the writers for SNL. Chock full of hilarious imagined conversations, bon mots, and absurdist takes on common concepts, it’s a quick read that actually made me laugh out loud.)
For Episode Nine of “Clearly, You’re Retarded”, Britt and I will be goin’ gangsta at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe. The topic tonight is cloning – Where are the boundaries? When is it creepy? Join in on the fun by listening live! You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!