These are the conversations as I imagined them at the time:
A conversation between two girls in my fifth grade class.
Girl 1: I don’t know what it is, but whenever that Adam Avitable pulls my hair or pinches me, I feel all warm.
Girl 2: I can tell! Even though you scowl and tell him that you hate him, it doesn’t feel like you’re telling the whole truth.
Girl 1: It’s like I hate him and can’t get enough of him at the same time. Even though I ran over and told Mrs. Mudrey that he’s hitting me, I hope he never stops.
Girl 2: Ooh, your wish is about to come true – here he comes again!
A conversation between two girls during my junior year of high school.
Girl 1: Did you see how that Adam Avitable pulled up to his parking space going top speed?
Girl 2: I sure did! And did you notice that his tires squealed and he was blaring hardcore rap out of his windows at the same time?
Girl 1: Oh yes. And when he got out of his car with his Ray Bans . . .
Girl 2: . . . and his sleeves rolled up . . .
Girl 1: He must be one of the coolest, hottest guys around.
Girl 2: I wholeheartedly concur.
A conversation between two senior girls during my freshman year of college.
Girl 1: Hey, do you see that guy who was already in the classroom when we walked in, reading a book?
Girl 2: The one in the trenchcoat? That’s Adam Avitable, and he’s famous because he was in MAD Magazine.
Girl 1: Oh, that’s Adam? Ohmygod, he’s even cuter in person!
Girl 2: I know! I would totally go over and ask him if he wants to have sex with me, but I’m just too shy.
Girl 1: Me too! Ooh, he’s looking over here! I’m so shy that I’ll just give him a look of disgust and hope that he reads between the lines.
Girl 2: I’ll just pretend to ignore anything he says or does like he really doesn’t even show up on my radar in any way and hope he sees the truth.
(This post was inspired by the absolutely hilarious book “Free-Range Chickens”
For Episode Nine of “Clearly, You’re Retarded”, Britt and I will be goin’ gangsta at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe. The topic tonight is cloning – Where are the boundaries? When is it creepy? Join in on the fun by listening live! You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!
Adam At The Race (with apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer)
The Worst Twitter Party Ever
Occupy Avitable
Twitter: missbritt
says:
*sigh*
And this is why I haven’t been able to convince you that you were a fucking TOOL when you were younger.
In fact, I imagine you would still be a tool if not for the grace of God that allowed the coolness that is ME to enter your life.
You are infinitely cooler just from knowing me.
Thank God.
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Twitter: whithonea
says:
Two girls, one Adam. Smooth. :2girls:
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:lmao:
I make up conversations for people all the fricking time!
Damn.
I should write them down?!
And can’t wait for the show, as usual!
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you bonehead!
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
Please tell me that these girls are at the age of consent. Somebody needs to let them know the benefits of an abstinence-only Avitable policy.
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
Dave2, we all know how well abstinence-only education works, don’t we?
I’m sure that’s exactly how their conversations went
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@Amanda, you r very sexy
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I may or may not be drunkly slight.
Britt has brought you around to cool, man.
Cheers.
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lmao, at you and Britt
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Alfred E. Avitable?
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MAD Magazine huh? I bet I have that copy lying around here somewhere…
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
OMG. I didn’t know you heard me.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
I forgot Faiqa knew you back then!!
Must meet her in person so she can confirm my suspicions about you…
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You’re a dork. :loser:
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Britt, maybe someday you will realize how completely uncool you really are, even though you deny it and ignore the fact that you’ve become an uptight old lady.
Whit, I don’t want to be the cup!
Sybil, when you make up conversations, are you as delusional as I was when I did it?
BPR, yeah, and?
Dave, can anyone really consent to an Avitable? Legally? I don’t know.
Amanda, I know – it’s like I’m reading their minds!
Stephanie, no way – she’s an unhip, uncool, mom of two who falls asleep at 9.
Andria, most people do!
BE Earl, I wish – have you ever seen this? http://www.avitable.com/2007/01/22/mad-magazine-13-years-ago/
Bucky, it’s the one with Alfred as Michael Jackson singing “Bad”. http://www.avitable.com/2007/01/22/mad-magazine-13-years-ago/
Faiqa, no, this was a conversation between two cool, hot chicks.
Britt, fuck you.
Metalmom, you’re just now figuring this out? Who’s the :loser:?
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Oh believe me, I know I’m uncool.
I’m just cooler than YOU.
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I bet some of the conversations you made up were a little more X-rated.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Oh HELLLL NO, motherfucker. I know you did *not* just question my coolness or hotness in high school. I was so much cooler, so much hotter than you could ever, ever hope to be.
Look at that, I’m fasting and you made me curse. You’re going to Islamic hell. Which is the worst one.
Need I remind you that I was, in fact, third runner up in the Miss Spruce Creek pageant. So there. Just because I wasn’t a swim team lesbian…
I am so excited that I might get to meet Miss Britt. At least you’re slightly useful.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
:angel: My last comment said with the utmost love and respect. Just FYI.
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I’m always imagining them talking about making out.
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
You want to raise my clone as your personal sex slave, don’t you?
Trenchcoat? Really?!
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i love that you said bon mots. you are dreamy.
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@Crys, you r very sexy
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Britt, nobody’s cooler than me!
TMP, well, maybe when I was home. Alone. In bed.
Faiqa, I was the first runner-up in Mr. Spruce Creek, so there! And Britt will join us for lunch, too.
Grant, yeah, that too.
Finn, yeah, I had a trenchcoat in college – haven’t you seen my psycho picture?
Crystal, don’t I know it!
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Dude. You were all Silent Bob in college? Seriously? I would have nailed you. And then called you a dork.
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Dude, now I know these are made up. No junior high age girl is going to say “I wholeheartedly concur.” :lmao:
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
I’m pretty sure that is exactly how those conversations went. Positive, really. ahem
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
I think I need to read the book that inspired these conversations.
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I’m with Dragon.
I was wholeheartedly believing these might be fictionalized true conversations until I hit upon “concur.”
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Are your studly secrets for sale? Oh, I know…would do me no good. These things can’t be taught.
Funny stuff as always. : )
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
loved this post because now i know i am not the only one who makes up conversations between others. i also make up their life history. most of this is done while i sit at airports. man, i love people watching.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I was always friends with the guys in the trench coats.
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Heather, I totally was Silent Bob.
Dragon, well, in my head, these girls were hot and really smart.
Shelli, yeah, I know!
Maria, it’s a very funny book – you should definitely check it out.
Delmer, I probably said “concur” when I was that age, though.
John, you’re right – stud lessons can’t be taught – they can only be inherited.
Hello, maybe it’s that I’m actually psychic!
Robin, the flashers?
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
was that a typo? were you trying to tell us that you are psycho?
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I would write a similar post, but my post would be of insecurity and not so much the humor. Perhaps I will think on that s’more though, and try to find some funny in my adolescence. :dance:
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The trenchcoat threw me a little. I thought you were going in a WHOLE different direction than Mad Magazine.
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I was taught to walk fast and far away from men in trench coats…
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Adam:
Clearly, your cool!!! Although, clearly not as cool as me and the rest of your readers here and abroad!!
Michelle
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Hello, well, that too.
Gina, I’m sure there’s some humor in the last 30 years!
Manager Mom, oh, I did that too.
Anndi, towards, you mean, right? With your hand outstretched?
Michelle, clearly!
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I meant minimal humor during my adolescence. I am sure there has been humor in the last 30 years, yes. :sex023:
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Will check out that book, sounds like something I’d like.
I’m not getting into the who is cooler debate, Adam or Britt.
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If you had been in my grade school, high school, or college, I wouldn’t have wasted my time talking to my friend about you, I’d have walked right up and introduced myself.
The book is on my reading list. Thanks for the tip.
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Gina, well, that sucks if your adolescence was that bad, though.
Mik, it’s a very funny book.
Gwen, hope you enjoy it!
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Adam, you’re my hero
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Great idea for a post. It’s too early for me to think of anything brilliant or halfway witty to add. Must have more coffee.
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Bethie, woohoo!
Meg, caffeine is an important factor of wittiness.
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Wait. Did I go to school with you?
:sexytime:
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Kat, were you the one that I thought offered a handjob when you actually asked for a pencil? I’m sorry that I pulled my penis out like that.
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hi its not very funny
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i just hate jokes.
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i hate jokes especially the stupid scenes.
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