These are the conversations as I imagined them at the time:
A conversation between two girls in my fifth grade class.
Girl 1: I don't know what it is, but whenever that Adam Avitable pulls my hair or pinches me, I feel all warm.
Girl 2: I can tell! Even though you scowl and tell him that you hate him, it doesn't feel like you're telling the whole truth.
Girl 1: It's like I hate him and can't get enough of him at the same time. Even though I ran over and told Mrs. Mudrey that he's hitting me, I hope he never stops.
Girl 2: Ooh, your wish is about to come true - here he comes again!
A conversation between two girls during my junior year of high school.
Girl 1: Did you see how that Adam Avitable pulled up to his parking space going top speed?
Girl 2: I sure did! And did you notice that his tires squealed and he was blaring hardcore rap out of his windows at the same time?
Girl 1: Oh yes. And when he got out of his car with his Ray Bans . . .
Girl 2: . . . and his sleeves rolled up . . .
Girl 1: He must be one of the coolest, hottest guys around.
Girl 2: I wholeheartedly concur.
A conversation between two senior girls during my freshman year of college.
Girl 1: Hey, do you see that guy who was already in the classroom when we walked in, reading a book?
Girl 2: The one in the trenchcoat? That's Adam Avitable, and he's famous because he was in MAD Magazine.
Girl 1: Oh, that's Adam? Ohmygod, he's even cuter in person!
Girl 2: I know! I would totally go over and ask him if he wants to have sex with me, but I'm just too shy.
Girl 1: Me too! Ooh, he's looking over here! I'm so shy that I'll just give him a look of disgust and hope that he reads between the lines.
Girl 2: I'll just pretend to ignore anything he says or does like he really doesn't even show up on my radar in any way and hope he sees the truth.
(This post was inspired by the absolutely hilarious book "Free-Range Chickens"
For Episode Nine of "Clearly, You're Retarded", Britt and I will be goin' gangsta at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe. The topic tonight is cloning - Where are the boundaries? When is it creepy? Join in on the fun by listening live! You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!
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*sigh*
And this is why I haven't been able to convince you that you were a fucking TOOL when you were younger.
In fact, I imagine you would still be a tool if not for the grace of God that allowed the coolness that is ME to enter your life.
You are infinitely cooler just from knowing me.
Thank God.
Comments by Miss Britt
Two girls, one Adam. Smooth.
Comments by Whit
I make up conversations for people all the fricking time!
Damn.
I should write them down?!
And can't wait for the show, as usual!
Comments by Sybil Law
you bonehead!
Comments by bluepaintred
Please tell me that these girls are at the age of consent. Somebody needs to let them know the benefits of an abstinence-only Avitable policy.
Comments by Dave2
Dave2, we all know how well abstinence-only education works, don't we?
I'm sure that's exactly how their conversations went
Comments by Amanda
I may or may not be drunkly slight.
Britt has brought you around to cool, man.
Cheers.
Comments by Stephanie
lmao, at you and Britt
Comments by Andria
Alfred E. Avitable?
Comments by B.E. Earl
MAD Magazine huh? I bet I have that copy lying around here somewhere...
Comments by Bucky
OMG. I didn't know you heard me.
Comments by Faiqa
I forgot Faiqa knew you back then!!
Must meet her in person so she can confirm my suspicions about you...
Comments by Miss Britt
You're a dork.
Comments by metalmom
Britt, maybe someday you will realize how completely uncool you really are, even though you deny it and ignore the fact that you've become an uptight old lady.
Whit, I don't want to be the cup!
Sybil, when you make up conversations, are you as delusional as I was when I did it?
BPR, yeah, and?
Dave, can anyone really consent to an Avitable? Legally? I don't know.
Amanda, I know - it's like I'm reading their minds!
Stephanie, no way - she's an unhip, uncool, mom of two who falls asleep at 9.
Andria, most people do!
BE Earl, I wish - have you ever seen this? http://www.avitable.com/2007/01/22/mad-magazine-13-years-ago/
Bucky, it's the one with Alfred as Michael Jackson singing "Bad". http://www.avitable.com/2007/01/22/mad-magazine-13-years-ago/
Faiqa, no, this was a conversation between two cool, hot chicks.
Britt, fuck you.
Metalmom, you're just now figuring this out? Who's the
?
Comments by Avitable
Oh believe me, I know I'm uncool.
I'm just cooler than YOU.
Comments by Miss Britt
I bet some of the conversations you made up were a little more X-rated.
Comments by themuttprincess
Oh HELLLL NO, motherfucker. I know you did *not* just question my coolness or hotness in high school. I was so much cooler, so much hotter than you could ever, ever hope to be.
Look at that, I'm fasting and you made me curse. You're going to Islamic hell. Which is the worst one.
Need I remind you that I was, in fact, third runner up in the Miss Spruce Creek pageant. So there. Just because I wasn't a swim team lesbian...
I am so excited that I might get to meet Miss Britt. At least you're slightly useful.
Comments by Faiqa
Comments by Faiqa
I'm always imagining them talking about making out.
Comments by Grant
You want to raise my clone as your personal sex slave, don't you?
Trenchcoat? Really?!
Comments by Finn
i love that you said bon mots. you are dreamy.
Comments by Crys
Britt, nobody's cooler than me!
TMP, well, maybe when I was home. Alone. In bed.
Faiqa, I was the first runner-up in Mr. Spruce Creek, so there! And Britt will join us for lunch, too.
Grant, yeah, that too.
Finn, yeah, I had a trenchcoat in college - haven't you seen my psycho picture?
Crystal, don't I know it!
Comments by Avitable
Dude. You were all Silent Bob in college? Seriously? I would have nailed you. And then called you a dork. :)
Comments by Coal Miner's Granddaughter
Dude, now I know these are made up. No junior high age girl is going to say "I wholeheartedly concur."
Comments by Dragon
I'm pretty sure that is exactly how those conversations went. Positive, really. ahem
Comments by Shelli
I think I need to read the book that inspired these conversations.
Comments by Maria
I'm with Dragon.
I was wholeheartedly believing these might be fictionalized true conversations until I hit upon "concur."
Comments by delmer
Are your studly secrets for sale? Oh, I know...would do me no good. These things can't be taught.
Funny stuff as always. : )
Comments by John
loved this post because now i know i am not the only one who makes up conversations between others. i also make up their life history. most of this is done while i sit at airports. man, i love people watching.
Comments by hello haha narf
I was always friends with the guys in the trench coats.
Comments by Robin
Heather, I totally was Silent Bob.
Dragon, well, in my head, these girls were hot and really smart.
Shelli, yeah, I know!
Maria, it's a very funny book - you should definitely check it out.
Delmer, I probably said "concur" when I was that age, though.
John, you're right - stud lessons can't be taught - they can only be inherited.
Hello, maybe it's that I'm actually psychic!
Robin, the flashers?
Comments by Avitable
was that a typo? were you trying to tell us that you are psycho?
Comments by hello haha narf
I would write a similar post, but my post would be of insecurity and not so much the humor. Perhaps I will think on that s'more though, and try to find some funny in my adolescence.
Comments by Gina
The trenchcoat threw me a little. I thought you were going in a WHOLE different direction than Mad Magazine.
Comments by manager mom
I was taught to walk fast and far away from men in trench coats...
Comments by Anndi
Adam:
Clearly, your cool!!! Although, clearly not as cool as me and the rest of your readers here and abroad!!
Michelle
Comments by michelle
Hello, well, that too.
Gina, I'm sure there's some humor in the last 30 years!
Manager Mom, oh, I did that too.
Anndi, towards, you mean, right? With your hand outstretched?
Michelle, clearly!
Comments by Avitable
I meant minimal humor during my adolescence. I am sure there has been humor in the last 30 years, yes.
Comments by Gina
Will check out that book, sounds like something I'd like.
I'm not getting into the who is cooler debate, Adam or Britt.
Comments by Mik
If you had been in my grade school, high school, or college, I wouldn't have wasted my time talking to my friend about you, I'd have walked right up and introduced myself.
The book is on my reading list. Thanks for the tip.
Comments by Gwen
Gina, well, that sucks if your adolescence was that bad, though.
Mik, it's a very funny book.
Gwen, hope you enjoy it!
Comments by Avitable
Adam, you're my hero ;)
Comments by Bethie
Great idea for a post. It's too early for me to think of anything brilliant or halfway witty to add. Must have more coffee.
Comments by Meg
Bethie, woohoo!
Meg, caffeine is an important factor of wittiness.
Comments by Avitable
Wait. Did I go to school with you?
Comments by KAT
Kat, were you the one that I thought offered a handjob when you actually asked for a pencil? I'm sorry that I pulled my penis out like that.
Comments by Avitable