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Open for sex. MWMMTBBW.

To get to my neighborhood, you have to drive through the neighborhood that I like to call, with all degree of tact and class, the poor neighborhood. More carports than garages, grass replete with brown grass and long weeds instead of lush, green blades, cars parked in the yard, shifty characters, etc.

It’s not that my neighborhood is some big fancy palatial neighborhood, either, but there is a noticeable difference when you cross the Iron Curtain, as I like to call the small dip in the road between neighborhoods. Our lawns all usually look pretty good and it just feels friendlier and nicer. And more expensive.

I digress.

Last night, I was driving through the poor neighborhood on the way to my house when I passed one of the houses that actually has a garage. Of course, they don’t actually use it as a garage – that would be crazy! Why would they want to park one of the four or five hideous cars that they have in the garage? Instead, it looks like it’s converted into a workout room slash den slash hangout slash romper room slash bedroom.

In the garageslash window, less than six feet from the street, is a neon “Open” sign. When lit, it bathes the street in a lovely red and blue glow reminiscent of the outside of a seedy hotel attracting hookers like moths.

The sign was turned on as I drove by, and I turned to look in as I passed. The solitary occupant of the garageslash was sitting on a workout bench, with his Neanderthalic brow furrowed, doing bicep curls.

In my head, I stopped to talk to him:

Me: Hi!

Idiot: Umm. . . hi.

Me: What are you open to?

Idiot: Huh?

Me: The sign – it says you’re open.

Idiot: Oh.

Me: So what are you open to?

Idiot: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, are you open to larger men ejaculating on your chest? Fisting?

Idiot: What??!

Me: Or are you more open to someone stepping on your nuts and hitting you with a cane?

Idiot: What the fuck are you talking about?

Me: Well, it says that you’re open. I just figured that since you are announcing your openness to the whole world via neon sign, you’ve got to be pretty damn open, right? Do you want me to pee in your mouth?

Idiot: That sign’s not meant like that!

Me: Aww, c’mon, it’s okay. You can tell me. I mean, it’s not like you’re just putting it there to show that you’re home. The light in the garageslash would show that. Do you want me to put on some stockings and you can suck my toes?

Idiot: Get the fuck out of here!

Me: I can’t leave yet – I just told my friends all about your “open” sign, and they’re on the way here. They’re a bunch of bikers who call themselves the Scat Brigade. I hope you’re open to getting pooped on.

Idiot: This is just for my friends . . .

Me: That’s clearly not the case – none of them have cell phones? You can just call them and say, like, “Hey Jimmy, I’m home. Come over.” This sign has to be here as an indicator of your desire to participate in some of the filthiest sex acts known to man. Can I give you an enema?

Idiot: *sobs*

Me: It’ll be fun! This place is going to give Sodom and Gomorrah a run for their money. I’ll be right back – I have to run home and get my gimp suit.

And of course, by the time I returned, the garageslash door was closed, the open sign was gone from the window and the lights were off.

I have 9 raffle tickets left to sell in one week. Do you have $7 left in your Paypal account? I know you do. Don’t be a bastard!

Who is the ticket for?

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52 Replies to “Open for sex. MWMMTBBW.”

  1. Jay

    In my old neighborhood in San Antonio there were four houses that the owners had turned the garage into a pub. They each had a bar, tables, shuffleboard and darts. And they all had neon beer signs.

    That’s pretty redneck.

  2. Elisa

    OMG! I’m dying laughing reading this but the first few paragraphs had me all offended because we don’t even have a carport. 😛

    So freakin’ funny about the scat lovin’ biker friends!!! Hilarious!

  3. Grant

    I hate yardwork and when I owned a house I did the minimum possible (just enough to keep wild animals from burrowing in my yard). Pay me much money or I’ll move to your neighborhood and lower the property values. I can’t afford to litter the lawn with cars, but I will put some pushmowers up on bricks.

  4. Poppy

    I know what you mean about the division of your neighborhood. I was very surprised when you turned onto the road you turned onto to take me to your house… and then we hit that Iron Curtain and it made much more sense.

    I think that having that neighborhood ahead of you in the travel path to your home is a great deterrent of the crazies who might stalk you. They’d get caught up in the other part of the neighborhood first.

    And, for the record, my parents lived in a mobile home with a carport when they lived in Florida, ya snobby bastard. 😛

  5. Janna

    I probably live in what you would call a “poor” neighborhood. Rural, anyway.
    My neighbors have chickens, if that tells you anything.
    On the bright side, there is no neon anywhere on my property.
    Though I bet some of those chickens might be “open” to a few things.

  6. Steph

    A sign in Florida that said “Open”? And not “Abierto”? Are you sure? Seriously?

    P.S. – I am so coming to Orlando for the National Funeral Directors Conference. I think I get there like midnight of the 10th and I leave on the 15th.

  7. Ioma

    You are HYSTERICALLY funny!

    My dad makes neon signs for a living, so we had neon signs around the house. The only one we showed off in one of our front windows was the Christmas tree (green tree with a yellow star on top) and only during Christmas time, of course.

    He very rarely gets requests for “open” signs from private individuals (non-business) and when he does, he always jokes about it, “What EXACTLY are they open to? Kinky motherfucker.”

    Looks like Mr. Garageslash wants to get freaky! A good neighbor would go back and make absolutely sure he doesn’t want someone to drag their sack across his face.

  8. Avitable

    Deb on the Rocks, I have a “Closed” sign.

    NYCWD, they make orange neon birthday cakes?

    SJ, I hope you’re kidding.

    BE Earl, I wouldn’t doubt it.

    Jay, neon beer signs at least makes sense. “Open” doesn’t.

    Elisa, where do you park your car?

    Kapgar, would Katie let you come if you won?

    Hello, me either!

    SciFi Dad, meh, he wasn’t worth the time.

    Britt, I’m a genius.

    Always Home, I don’t think so. He looked about as dumb as a post.

    Anissa, what’s that from?

    Robin, yeah? Hmm….

    LeSombre, Male looking for Woman Man Man Tranny Big Beautiful Woman Fivesome.

    Evil Genius, I’m not neighbors with “that” side of the neighborhood.

    Grant, I’m just glad you couldn’t afford it!

    Finn, aha! I caught you skimmiing. Read it again, gorgeous.

    M.A.D., what was gross?

    John, glad you liked it.

    Hoatzin, she is a good hugger.

    Poppy, it’s true, isn’t it? It’s a shitty neighborhood. And yes, I’m a snobby bastard.

    Martymankins, he does need a “Closed” sign.

    DrZibbs, oh, I wouldn’t go that far.

    Janna, chickens? Wow.

    Michelle, dribble, eh?

    Teri, it would have been interesting.

    Trukindog, really? Do you?

    Steph, so will you have any free time?

    Ioma, glad you liked it – I don’t know if a lot of people enjoyed it, but I thought it was funny.

    Faiqa, smartass.

  9. Jesus H. Christ

    We’ve got a similar issue here in the UK. However, the bikers are called “chavs” and the neon signs are replaced by repetitive drivel booming from their car stereos.

    But in spite of these cultural differences, the blatant faggotry is still there. Personally, I avoid them like the plague. Those unclean bastards carry teh AIDS.

  10. Sarah

    Right now as I type this my car is parking on my lawn. It’s pretty much brown crab grass and most of our fence dividing us from the funeral home is missing.

    I know that right now you are in awe of my level of class so I’ll just give you a moment to yourself now.

  11. Jesus H. Christ

    Nope. “Faggotry” has the saming meaning here as there although was used to support the retarded actions of your Neanderthal neighbours and their ridiculous neon signs. We just call those types “chavs”.

    As for telling me to fuck off, thanks a fucking bunch. Not that many pages on the blogosphere interest me and to think I stumbled across yours and found it amusing as well.

    Well if that’s the gratitude one can expect from first time visitors who enjoyed their content, then fuck you too.

  12. Avitable

    Maybe I’m completely misunderstanding your first comment.

    Talking about faggotry and AIDS sounds to me like you’re talking about homosexuals in a derogatory fashion. Am I right or is it just slang that you’re using that I’m not understanding because of a language issue?

    That, and since your email address seems to be fake (at least, it keeps bouncing back when I tried to email you privately), made me feel like you might be trolling around.

  13. Qelqoth

    Seriously, for someone with a sarcastic sense of humour, you have a bit of a difficulty dealing with someone who thrives on the stuff. Lighten up! This fucking post of yours pwns. It’s the whole reason I commented here.

    As for “faggotry” and “AIDS”, Brits are a lot more open when it comes to insulting the crap out of people. Sometimes we do it for amusement, not out of spite or hatred. We’re just kerrrrrrrrazy like that, yo!

  14. Avitable

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  15. Avitable

    Honestly, I have too many gay friends to find any type of joke about faggots having AIDS funny.

    The sarcasm was lost on me. I usually pick up on it, and I’m still not seeing it, but I’ll let it go. Must just be an off day for me.

    You can fuck off if you want, or you can hang around. I’m cool with it either way.

  16. baseballmom

    Found your site thru MissAnne. This post killed me…so damned funny! We got a shitty letter from some people who were too chicken to come to the door and tell us that parking our travel trailer on the street offended them. It’s not a trailer trash trailer, but I guess they think it cheapens the neighborhood ambiance or something. WTFever.

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