Clearly, You're Retarded was the radio show with Adam Avitable and Britt Reints

Where did you put your wallet?

Yesterday morning, as my wife was getting ready to leave for work, she realized that she couldn’t find her wallet. Of course, this meant wasting a half hour frantically tearing the house apart, searching in both logical and illogical places where her wallet might be.

I think it’s funny how we justify why we’re looking where we’re looking. It starts out rationally:

The laundry basket: Well, maybe she went into the bedroom to change into something other than work clothes and just put everything in the hamper and her wallet was in her hand and she put it in there, too.

The floor of the car: We went out to Subway and since I was in my underwear, she ran inside with her wallet in her hand. When she came back out, she had food in her hand, so maybe she put her wallet down on the floor to hold our drinks.

The trash: Did she accidentally throw her wallet out with the trash from Subway?

When the wallet has not been located in the typical places, you move onto the slightly more fantastical:

The fridge: When we got back from Subway, she went to get a glass of white wine and took it from the fridge. Maybe she put her wallet down in the fridge to grab the wine bottle.

The large plastic Tupperware trash can that contains the dog’s food in the bedroom: When she went to feed the dog, maybe she still had her wallet in her hand, and accidentally dropped it in the food but then forgot about it because I called her name.

In the unmade bed: Did she flop on the bed to snuggle with and pet on Jigsaw for a little bit? Maybe it’s just sitting there in the folds of the sheets.

When you can’t find it after that, you tend to get a bit crazy:

The mailbox: Could she have gone out to the mailbox with her wallet in her hand after Subway, gotten the mail, but put her wallet in there because there was too much mail to carry?

The washer and dryer: Okay. Maybe she had her wallet in her hand. Then we went to Subway. Then she came home with the food and we ate dinner. Then, when she was cleaning up the trash, she spilled something on her shirt and went, wallet in hand, to put it in the washer and decided to do the laundry, and put the wallet in one of the machines.

Under the kitchen sink: Did she decide to clean the table with 409 after dinner and since she had her wallet in her hand from throwing the bag of Subway trash away, she just put it down to grab the sponge and cleaner and then forgot to get it?

In my pockets: Maybe she handed me her wallet and I stuck it in my pocket, although I don’t remember any such thing happening?

Oh, the wallet’s still missing? Now you just go fucking nuts:

The attic: Maybe after eating Subway, throwing away the trash, and cleaning the table, all with her wallet still in her hand, she heard a noise and decided to go up to the attic to see if we had a mouse, and then maybe she saw a mouse, shrieked, dropped the wallet up there, and then fled downstairs, but forgot to tell me, and didn’t remember any of that the next morning.

Floating in the pool: She likes to walk around the pool when she’s talking on her cell, so maybe after eating Subway, throwing away the trash, and cleaning the table, she started talking to her sister and walked around the pool with her wallet in hand. Then, she got another call, and when she were trying to answer the other line, her hand slipped, and the wallet fell down and landed in the pool but she didn’t notice because she was busy talking on the phone.

In the trunk: After eating Subway, throwing away, and cleaning, the doorbell rang, and a homeless guy was asking for money. She said no, but he saw that she had her wallet in her hand, so he lunged for it. She killed him, threw him in the trunk, and drove him around to the lake and rolled him in for the gators to eat. When she went back to close the trunk, she put her wallet in there to wipe off her fingerprints from everything and then forgot and closed the trunk, then drove back home and came back in while I was watching TV.

In her purse: Clearly, what happened was that she took her wallet with her to Subway. She went in, ordered our food, and returned to the car, carrying the wallet, the bags of food, and the drinks, and we drove home, went inside and ate dinner. Her wallet was on the table, and then she picked it up, took it to the trash with her, then grabbed the 409, cleaned the table, wallet still in hand. Her sister called on the cell phone, so she went outside with the phone and wallet, still in her hand, and walked around the pool. Her conversation ended, and she came in, and put her wallet on the counter. Then a version of my wife from the future where time travel is possible showed up, grabbed her wallet, and took it back with future-her into the time-space continuum, where future-wife held onto it until just now, when future-wife came back to our time and slipped it in now-wife’s purse. The same purse that now-wife swears she searched thirty minutes ago.

Why not record Project Runway tonight and listen to me and Britt instead? We’ll be doing our radio show over on Talkshoe, and you’re more than welcome to join us in the chat room from 9 PM to 10 PM EST. Britt and I will be having angry word sex as we argue over yet another topic.

Tonight’s topic is Friendship, with a twist! Is it difficult for someone with kids to be friends with someone who doesn’t have kids? How is the dynamic different? How many times will Britt call me fucking retarded within the span of sixty minutes? Tune in and find out!

You can listen live online at, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

53 thoughts on “Where did you put your wallet?”

  1. My dad is like that with his remote, and sometimes his phone. And occasionally with his glasses (he has 3 pairs). I have found them by the stove, on the microwave, in the fridge, in his bedroom, in his bathroom, and in my office. I have also found both his landline phone and his remote in his car. I usually find it (whichever item it is) on the dining room table, but rarely anywhere it’s supposed to be – like in his living room. So I guess that would actually mean he is the opposite.

  2. i 100% believe in that damn time-space continuum. shit doesn’t show up in my purse, but we are talking i set something down on the coffee table, then it disappears, only to reappear. and my dogs certainly don’t know how funny it is, so don’t blame them!

  3. Oooh!! Oooh! Oooh! Can I be a special guest or something on the show later? For once, I have something of substance to add other than “my ass is too lazy to recycle….”

    Then again, I could just call in…I just don’t want to seem like I am hogging you and Britt’s show and shit….but I love a good dialogue.

    ::off to bed::

  4. I absolutely loathe the oft repeated phrase, “It’s always the last place you look.” The missus says that to me when I’ve misplaced my house keys.

    As if they would magically re-appear anywhere I’ve previously looked…

    “Oh yes, here are those keys I’ve been pacing around looking for but you know what? I’m going to carry on looking anyway, just in case they pop up somewhere else!”

  5. I’m like that with the remote.

    Looking in those “crazy places” isn’t so crazy for me. I sleepwalk frequently and I usually put things like my wallet, my cell phone, and the remote in places like the fridge, mailbox, microwave, medicine cabinet, etc. I’ve sleep-hidden things so well that there’s stuff I still haven’t found yet.

    Nothing I’ve hidden in my sleep has wound up in my purse, though. That would take all the fun out of the treasure hunt!

  6. Don’t panic, Adam, but I think we may be married to the same woman (or perhaps copies of the same woman who exist in nearly identical astral planes… which would mean that you and I exist on different planes, which would kind of explain some things…)

  7. We play that game all the time here, only with Someone’s Blackberry. He leaves it in some weird places. The time I found it in his shaving kit was particularly strange – I had a hard time rationalizing that scenario, but I think you’re onto something with the time travel.

  8. Sorry to both of you that Dawg and I will be occupied in VT tonight. NEXT WEEK, dammit!

    That’s precisely why I don’t carry a purse. Plus, I hate purses. (I know, I know, I’m the only female-chromosomed person on the planet who hates purses. Bite my refuse.)

    I’ve had to look for two things:

    1. The power cord for Dawg’s iPod tower ended up in a box the kitties sleep in. It fell in when one of the girls opened the top of the box to slip and and take a snooze.

    2. I tend to keep my GPS in one of two places — my portable drink cooler or my SANS bag, because I always take both when I’m travelling long distances. This time it was in neither place and I was far-eaking out that I wouldn’t find it in time for the VT trip (I’m driving us down so Dawg can drive the U-Haul back). I finally found it in a wooden crate I used to use to hold my laptop at the last apartment. No idea why I put it there.

  9. I go through this DAILY with my husbands watch. Drives me fecking insane. Usually I have to guess where he was when he was using the laptop because 9 times outta 10 he takes it off to type – yet for some freaking reason NEVER remembers this.

  10. We deal with this on a regular basis with my step daughter, who had never had a respect for keys or cell phones. Flushed them (keys and phones), lost them, locked them in the car, had someone at her math class take them by mistake (how did this other person get her keys by mistake is beyond me).

    In this case, it’s always in the first place you looked.

    Of course, I am guilty of this with things like an iPod.

  11. BPR, of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you found it?

    Amanda, not the purses my wife has. They’re tiny and can barely hold a wallet, much less anything else.

    Penny, yes. His stuff ends up in the places you don’t expect, not the most likely place!

    LMSS, you don’t just hang them on a hook somewhere?

    Maria, I don’t know, but thirty minutes later I was pretty frustrated!

    Andria, I don’t know how people do that – keys are pretty essential and one of those things you’d think you’d keep with you at all times.

    Jay, yeah, but I was the one who had to run around looking for it.

    Hello, damn right you need to quit bowling!

    Robin, you can call in tonight and talk for as long as you’d like.

    BE Earl, you put one of your cats in the fridge?

    Qelgoth, I agree. The correct phrase is “It’s always in the last place you’d think to look” but everyone always gets it wrong.

    DB, except I was the one who had to run around looking for it!

    Ioma, sleep hiding is a new one for me.

    Bucky, I checked there too.

    Blondefabulous, see above. 🙂

    Zibbs, that’s true.

    Britt, your kids are selfish?

    SciFi Dad, that would explain some things indeed.

    Robin, time travel answers everything. Well, except time paradoxes.

    Summer, I looked like a homeless man, too.

    Gwen, frustrating to me!

    Poppy, that’s the thing – she was just carrying her wallet around, not her purse.

    John, I know – it happens so frequently to all of us.

    Robin, her wallet was definitely not on my head.

    Grant, I think you’ve got it!

    Sleepynita, who wears a watch anymore?

    Atomic Bombshell, you’ve traveled through time to fuck with yourself?

    Elizabeth, you clearly haven’t done your required reading. Go read the “about” page.

    Marty, I would staple them to her head.

    HG, so, do you have power?

    EG, oh, I am!

  12. First, I want to know how @mandy lost a pregnancy.

    But mainly I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your fake post today. Fakeness aside, it was fakey and very fakesome. The faketitude of it impressed me to the point of fake homage. My eyes bulged outward from seeing such fakosity blatantly displayed across my faketop screen. I mean, fake, dude. Fakin’ unbelievable if you ask me. Maybe I’ll ask you to do a fake guest post someday, mkay?

  13. I’m not even reading the other comments because I know I will see mine then feel compelled to just back away without commenting.

    That being said, my shit is ALWAYS in my purse. I look, freak out cause “OMG, where the FUCK are my keys?!?!’, tear the house apart, look in my purse again just KNOWING they won’t be there and uh, there they are.

  14. Kapgar, in my box of cereal, I think.

    Breigh, I need a TamTam.

    Nobody, your underwear doesn’t have pockets?

    Sybil, still no power? You can just call in and listen to the show.

    Em, my wife has to count her items before she leaves to make sure it’s okay.

    Anissa, a softball in your freezer, eh? That’s a new one.

    Freelance, you must feel like a genius when that happens.

    Catherine, glad you enjoyed it.

    Mandy, you should – he might get a laugh out of it!

    Wayne, why was it fake?

    Hilly, you and my wife will get along nicely.

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