With the assistance of my friend James, I finally cleaned out our garage this weekend. An ad for “FREE SHIT – FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED” went on Craigslist, and everything went down to the curb. “Everything” included a television, over 400 VHS tapes, a VCR, a water softener, five leather barstools, a bookcase, a computer monitor, five years of PC Gamer and Maximum PC Magazine, an answering machine, one of those toilet seats you get when you get out of the hospital, a huge overflowing box of old toys and action figures, and a cardboard standee of Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu.
Those of you who have used Craigslist know that it has its pros and cons. I’ve hired several employees through Craigslist, but I’ve also had to weed through a lot of crazies, too. I’ve sold many items, including a car, but I also got a lot of flakes who didn’t show up. It doesn’t matter whether you’re giving something away free or looking for a casual sexual encounter, Craigslist always brings out the crazies.
Throughout the day, here’s a basic accounting of the various crazies brought out by my ad:
1. 14 brain-dead morons who ignored the part of the ad where I said, “No, I will not set anything side and no, I will not hold anything until tomorrow” and emailed me asking if I would either set aside something or hold it until tomorrow. My reply to them was very carefully worded: “I hope you die of a horrible infection. Fuck off.”
2. 16 throwbacks to the 20th century who asked about the VHS tapes. What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking Neanderthalic loser? You know how to look at Craigslist on the computer, but what? DVD players are just too newfangled for you? They’ve been in the market for more than a decade and a decent one costs less than $30. Do you just like rewinding a lot or are you just so behind the trend that your television still has bunny ears and you’re actually worried about the switch to digital transmission in February? Have you been locked in a bomb shelter for the last twelve years?
3. 2 supposed adults who got into an actual fight over the box of toys. One was a guy in his forties, and the other was a guy in his sixties. I actually had to step in and decide who got which toys! “You old fuck who lives in my neighborhood, you can take the two Hess trucks and the Kevin Nash wrestler figure. You live in a house that is almost worth a half a million dollars and you should be ashamed of yourself for acting like a baby about three free toys.”
“You, the guy who pulled up in the brand new $40,000 SUV – you are completely fucking pathetic. I know that I told you that I was bringing down a big box of toys for you, but “you” can be meant to mean more than one person and besides, you know, THESE ARE FREE TOYS. They’re not diamonds or gold or a Nintendo Wii or something that is actually worth whining like a petulant little brat. You disgust me and make me weep for humanity.”
4. 1 stinky old man wearing nothing but a pair of shorts – no shoes, no shirt, who rang our doorbell to see if everything was gone. When I told him that it was, he growled, “Maybe you should take down your damn Craigslist ad” and stomped off. Excuse me? Get your ancient BO-riddled ass off of my property before I kick you in the back of your bony motherfucking ass and shatter you into a million pieces. I might feel bad that you showed up and there was nothing there if you didn’t smell like a skid mark in the devil’s Hanes and look like you just woke up from a four-day bender. Crawl back into your fucking bottle and don’t come out until someone bring you some soap and a goddamn shirt.
5. 1 greasy toothless white trash idiot who tried to convince me that all of the stuff he was packing in his truck was for his sick wife when it was very clear that he was probably someone with a booth at the flea market. I might be able to believe you that your sick wife liked to watch movies, so the VHS tapes were useful (although get a fucking DVD player for fuck’s sake!), but when you also got the VCR , it was obvious that you were full of shit. I don’t care what you do with the stuff. You can resell it, bring it to your wife, give it to charity, stick it in your ass, or use it to make a low-yield nuclear weapon. Whatever – just don’t insult my intelligence by trying to pretend that you’re only digging through my trash for your “sick wife”. asd
6. 8 smart people who drove by slowly, then realized that they were essentially about to start dumpster diving and decided that they had a little bit of self-worth and dignity, so they drove on without stopping. Congratulations – this whole ad was just a test to see which people are the leeches on society and which people are actually the productive members. I don’t hate you nearly as much as I hate everyone else.
Of course, on the plus side, everything was gone from my curb within four hours.