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Creepy Craigslist Crawlers

With the assistance of my friend James, I finally cleaned out our garage this weekend. An ad for “FREE SHIT – FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED” went on Craigslist, and everything went down to the curb. “Everything” included a television, over 400 VHS tapes, a VCR, a water softener, five leather barstools, a bookcase, a computer monitor, five years of PC Gamer and Maximum PC Magazine, an answering machine, one of those toilet seats you get when you get out of the hospital, a huge overflowing box of old toys and action figures, and a cardboard standee of Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu.

Those of you who have used Craigslist know that it has its pros and cons. I’ve hired several employees through Craigslist, but I’ve also had to weed through a lot of crazies, too. I’ve sold many items, including a car, but I also got a lot of flakes who didn’t show up. It doesn’t matter whether you’re giving something away free or looking for a casual sexual encounter, Craigslist always brings out the crazies.

Throughout the day, here’s a basic accounting of the various crazies brought out by my ad:

1. 14 brain-dead morons who ignored the part of the ad where I said, “No, I will not set anything side and no, I will not hold anything until tomorrow” and emailed me asking if I would either set aside something or hold it until tomorrow. My reply to them was very carefully worded: “I hope you die of a horrible infection. Fuck off.”

2. 16 throwbacks to the 20th century who asked about the VHS tapes. What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking Neanderthalic loser? You know how to look at Craigslist on the computer, but what? DVD players are just too newfangled for you? They’ve been in the market for more than a decade and a decent one costs less than $30. Do you just like rewinding a lot or are you just so behind the trend that your television still has bunny ears and you’re actually worried about the switch to digital transmission in February? Have you been locked in a bomb shelter for the last twelve years?

3. 2 supposed adults who got into an actual fight over the box of toys. One was a guy in his forties, and the other was a guy in his sixties. I actually had to step in and decide who got which toys! “You old fuck who lives in my neighborhood, you can take the two Hess trucks and the Kevin Nash wrestler figure. You live in a house that is almost worth a half a million dollars and you should be ashamed of yourself for acting like a baby about three free toys.”

“You, the guy who pulled up in the brand new $40,000 SUV – you are completely fucking pathetic. I know that I told you that I was bringing down a big box of toys for you, but “you” can be meant to mean more than one person and besides, you know, THESE ARE FREE TOYS. They’re not diamonds or gold or a Nintendo Wii or something that is actually worth whining like a petulant little brat. You disgust me and make me weep for humanity.”

4. 1 stinky old man wearing nothing but a pair of shorts – no shoes, no shirt, who rang our doorbell to see if everything was gone. When I told him that it was, he growled, “Maybe you should take down your damn Craigslist ad” and stomped off. Excuse me? Get your ancient BO-riddled ass off of my property before I kick you in the back of your bony motherfucking ass and shatter you into a million pieces. I might feel bad that you showed up and there was nothing there if you didn’t smell like a skid mark in the devil’s Hanes and look like you just woke up from a four-day bender. Crawl back into your fucking bottle and don’t come out until someone bring you some soap and a goddamn shirt.

5. 1 greasy toothless white trash idiot who tried to convince me that all of the stuff he was packing in his truck was for his sick wife when it was very clear that he was probably someone with a booth at the flea market. I might be able to believe you that your sick wife liked to watch movies, so the VHS tapes were useful (although get a fucking DVD player for fuck’s sake!), but when you also got the VCR , it was obvious that you were full of shit. I don’t care what you do with the stuff. You can resell it, bring it to your wife, give it to charity, stick it in your ass, or use it to make a low-yield nuclear weapon. Whatever – just don’t insult my intelligence by trying to pretend that you’re only digging through my trash for your “sick wife”. asd

6. 8 smart people who drove by slowly, then realized that they were essentially about to start dumpster diving and decided that they had a little bit of self-worth and dignity, so they drove on without stopping. Congratulations – this whole ad was just a test to see which people are the leeches on society and which people are actually the productive members. I don’t hate you nearly as much as I hate everyone else.

Of course, on the plus side, everything was gone from my curb within four hours.

51 thoughts on “Creepy Craigslist Crawlers”

  1. We placed an ad to get rid of something once and people showed up for at least a week looking for the stuff. We had to put a sign on the door that said it was gone so the crazy white trash people would stop knocking

  2. I have never had a bad experience with craigslist, but I am certainly aware that many people do! We’ve sold 2 cars, and I got a super nice free piano off of it (that my husband and 4 friends had to move. I felt really bad watching them. Now I know why so many pianos are free – the fuckers are HEAVY!). I also bought a great coatrack – but I’ve perused the free (for the piano) and thought about posting some stuff. However, now that I’ve read your story of Hell – I think I’ll pass! (Shit – my crackhead neighbors down the street would snatch that shit up first, anyway.)
    My favorite part were the two men fighting over the toys. That is fricking awesome.

  3. Ok, seriously…the fact that you did a Craigslist ad that was titled “FREE SHIT – FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED”? I’m amazed you didn’t have some total fetish pervs come out for free shit.

    Craigslist has some of the creepiest pervs on it I have ever seen.

    But I did sell a bunch of my child’s baby stuff on there once.

  4. Good fucking post, as fuckin’ usual. I’m pretty fucking impressed with how you fucked with these fuckers and were still able to pull some fuckin scientific evidence from it. Less fucking nerdy than the fucking haiku, but, fuck, you know?
    I hope you’re satisfied with the amount of profanity in my comment. I wouldn’t want to disappoint you again.
    @Ginger “Free shit”… exactly…LOL

  5. I’ve had idiots come in, and try to get me to sell them a different piece of furniture. This fucktard even insulted me, and was like, “I’ll give you 20 bucks for that armoire over there”.

    “It’s not for sale.”

    “How about 30 bucks?”

    “How about get the hell out of my house, asshat.”

    Craigslist cracks me up though. The best of posts have some gems in there.

  6. Dang, I missed out of the VHS tapes.

    We still use VHS tapes as we have a crap load of VHS kids movies and a crap load of grand kids.

    I’ve thought about using Craigslist to get rid of stuff but dealing with dingbats like you have has put me off.

    Faiga cussing!

  7. That’s one of the reasons I prefer Freecycle. You respond to who YOU want to give the shit to, and only that person has your actual address. You get to screen the weirdos and you don’t have to be home for them to pick shit up. Just leave it on the tree lawn or porch at the designated time – otherwise it’s already there for trash night if they don’t show.

  8. I’ve had pretty good luck with cl for the most part…sold a Blazer, a tent trailer, found a new trailer, and got rid of tons of free shit, but once I had some free printer ink? Some asswipes wanted me to DELIVER IT to them, two hours away. Uh, yeah…no. :dunce:

  9. Oh maaaan, thanks for the laugh. This brought me back to a garage sale I had a few years back that caused me to lose all hope in the human race. People were actually paying money for my husbands old, disgusting sneakers!

    Your last point is really the best. The only people that you can respect in these cases are the ones that don´t even want to look at your old crap.

  10. You sure you weren’t advertising for free muff? 🙂

    I shouldn’t make fun of CraigsList – I have friends who found kick-ass apartments off that thing…then again, there was me who dated a complete loser off of that thing…

  11. On the flip side, I watched a Discovery Channel show on insects that featured a woman who got a wicked infestation of bed bugs from a couch and mattress she bought off of CraigsList. Took the bitch 3 weeks to figure out it was the shit she got at at great “discount”. I laugh at shit like that.

    What fun surprises went to the curb with your garage gold??

  12. Heh. We have a simular website up here called Kijiji. Very popular, and similar to Craigs list. I got extremely annoyed though with the number of e-mails I got from people wanting me to drive the shit all over the province. Uh. NO! Or would ask stupid ass questions that had been answered in the ad (I ignored those, I figured if you were too stupid to read the add, you’d be too stupid to read my response).

    THEN, I marked one item as *taken* and I got at LEAST 5 people asking me if we still had it. Er. Yeah….come get it. :finger:

  13. Craigslist is never dull, that’s for sure. Especially when you offer stuff for free.

    Don’t let the endorsement for Freecycle fool you. The local list that I’m on is essentially a begging list, filled with people who seem to thrive on seeing who can come up with the most pitiful reasons for why they’re requesting something. “My mother is the sister to Goatboy, her house burnt down, she lost both her legs in the War of 1812, and has crabs, but she’s a wonderful person who would enjoy a hot tub, XBOX360, and a laptop.” Plus, in my experience no one who ever replies to a Freecycle ad really ever reads the email. I think they just see “OFFER” and reply.

  14. Where I used to live in Birmingham, if you wanted to get rid of something you just left it unsecured and it would be stolen. My dog was stolen twice before I starting locking the fence gate. Once I was paid to haul a broken shelf to the dump, but I just stuck it in the alley behind my house instead. It was gone in less than a day.

  15. I spent several weeks (not every minute of every day) trying to find the guys who come by before trash night to collect things — I wanted to give them a motorcycle; I figured they could use it more than some.

    In the end I never found them … I think they moved on as the phone number they’d given me quit working. But, I got rid of the motorcycle, a ping-pong table and some other stuff.

    It’s always nice to be free of clutter.

  16. Couldn’t find an email link on my tiny phone screen, but wanted to tell you that your thoughtful post on Obama over on Maggie Dammit’s site really made me think. I’ll probably read it again when I get in a WiFi setting and out of a blasted car. Your leaning toward voting your social side vs. my voting the other direction (when we appear close in issues) does give me pause.

  17. That’s how we always get rid of our crap, too, except without posting anything on Craig’s List. We just kick it all to the curb and it’s ALWAYS gone before nightfall – last time was an ab lounger, three spare tires, two hitches, and a box of old college text books. I think our neighbors are usually the ones to take it – they have a table at the local “Park N Swap” that they run every weekend. Hell, I don’t care if they make money off of our crap, if they’d just pay us back by SHUTTING THEIR DAMNED DOG UP.

  18. @HoosierGirl and Mik: That’s what happens when you drink the Avitable Kool Aid. Which is salty. Wink, wink.
    Not that I’m offended, but my name is spelled F-A-I-Q-A. No g. No “u” after the Q. Imagine the pain I went through when I had to learn how to spell it. :angel:

  19. I had one person try to haggle me down on a $30 USB hub I was selling $10, and another who for weeks kept calling to say he was interested in the replacement windows I had then finally disappeared. But my fave is the old Asian guy in Brooklyn who calls me every time I try to sell this same crappy Waterford Xmas plate and asks if I have any more crystal, silver or jewelry to sell. I think he’s called me six times in the last year. IT’S THE SAME PLATE AND I’M THE SAME SELLER, IDIOT!

  20. I used to live in a trailer for a while when I was in college.

    I used to deliver rent-to-own furniture to gang-bangers in the projects.

    And I will walk into an dive bar in any neighborhood in any town in America without too much worry.

    But, a lot of the people on Craigslist scare the hell outta me.

  21. Dang, I tried to make sure I spelled your name right Faiqa not putting a “u” in it, now I see I used a “G” instead of the “Q”, D’oh! you just can’t get the staff nowadays, I’ll fire my copywriter!


    For penance, Hoosier Girl will drink double the Avitable Kool-Aid.

  22. I actually babysat a kid this summer who did not know what a VHS was, much less what a VCR was. I had to explain to her how to insert the tape because yes, I still have a VCR.

  23. im with you 100 percent on this one.

    last month i decided to put a brand new pool staircase up on craigslist, just to get it out of my shed. It had never been used and cost about $400.

    within 30 min of placing the ad, i was FLOODED with emails with people telling me either:

    1) please hold it for me! i’ll be right there!

    2) could you please take more pictures of it? i cant see it good enough

    3) please hold it for me.. im picking it up for my sick mother/father/sister/dogcatcher

    i got rid of the item in under an hour, but the crazies who crawled past my house for the rest of the day made me ill

  24. I agree that Freecycle is where you want to go to give stuff away. The groups are all run locally, so I’m sure some are lame as someone complained above.

    But anyway, while I can see grabbing a free TV or bookcase, I cannot fathom the day I would be picking up (literally) someone else’s bedpan. You had to have thrown that one in there especially just for your own entertainment.

    You should cobble together another giveaway of just uncomfortably personal items in a questionable state. Oh, and be sure to film the whole thing.

  25. When we get the Fair Tax, you can bet stuff like craigslist, ebay and freecycle are gonna get HUGE and VERY MUCH BETTER at what they do.

    I mean, if you don’t have to pay sales tax on used items, why wouldn’t you do more to keep your stuff in better shape, make it last longer, and try to get it second-hand if you could? Talk about your natural environmentalist benefit!

    Then the greasy toothless pickup driver w/sick wife at home can come try to buy stuff with his prebate. daht he picked up in dat dair prebate koart.

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