I wish I could still go trick-or-treating, but I think a 31-year old bearded man in a costume asking for candy might be a little strange.
I love Halloween candy, though. From the Hershey's miniatures to the small Kit Kats, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and Hershey's bars, I love it all.
What's your favorite Halloween candy?
Photo courtesy of Miss Britt
Yesterday sucked. Today is much better. Thanks for all the nice comments, emails and phone calls.
Today is Wednesday, and Wednesday is usually the night of our show, "Clearly, You're Retarded". HOWEVER, Lil' Miss Britt has decided that she would much rather go with The Nerd Queen herself, Faiqa, to hear Barack Obama and Bill Clinton speak.
So, no show this week. But we'll be back next Wednesday, and it's likely that our topic will be the obnoxious safe haven laws that each state has.
Okay, now onto stuff that only people who are attending the party will care about. Sorry to the rest of you, but you'll only be bored with this shit for two more days.
Here are some questions that I have been asked and I wanted to take the time to answer them here:
What is there to do around Altamonte on Friday or Saturday during the day? Do you need help?
There is a movie theater, a decent mall, and plenty of great tourist attractions less than 20 minutes away from the hotel. Try Gatorland or Sea World, or maybe Universal or Disney if you're up for it. As far as help is concerned – while I sincerely appreciate it, the more people around, the harder it will be for us to do our work, and I'd much prefer that most of our guests get to see the decorations for the first time on Saturday night. So thank you for the offer but stay the fuck away until 8 PM on Saturday, k?
What type of clothes should I wear in Florida?
Well, it's going to be in the 60s to mid-70s throughout the day and night, so if you're easily cold, a light windbreaker or long-sleeved shirt might be nice. For those of you who are normal-blooded, you will be fine naked.
How do I get to your party?
My address is (attention all of you who felt bad for me yesterday and want to bake me cookies and send them to me):
605 Birch Blvd
Altamonte Springs, FL 32701
If you're staying at the Hilton, just tell the shuttle you're going to the party and they might need the address but I've given them directions already. If you're not at the Hilton or want to take a cab, you can call 407-422-2222 to reach a local cab company that I use pretty frequently. They're very reliable.
Do I need to bring money to get into your party?
Absolutely not. There is no cover charge, and there is an open bar. If you think you'd like to tip the bartender, you might want to bring a little cash. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to have a "Contribute to the Party Fund" jar or not, but if I do, you'll want to bring hundred dollar bills to put in there.
What about drinks? Do I have to pay for drinks?
Umm, retard? That's what "open bar" means. You no have-o to pay-o for anything-o.
Do I need to bring anything (food, drink, hookers) to your party?
Thanks for asking, but it's all taken care of. The party is being catered and bartendered and will be fully stocked with anything that you'd like. That being said, if you have any unusual requests for liquor or drinks, email me.
Where should I park?
If you're not taking public transportation or a shuttle, there is parking down my street all the way to the end, where there is a small cul-de-sac that has plenty of room for cars. Please make sure to leave room for other cars to get by.
What if I have questions or get lost or if a strange man asks me to touch him in his no-no place?
If you don't already have my cell phone number, it is 818-398-2079. I will have that with me for every waking moment, so you can text me or call me if you have any questions or just if you want to masturbate to the melodious sound of my voice.
Can I show you my boobs?
Don't wait until the party. You should be emailing them to me as we speak.
Right now, I'm under more stress than I have been in a long time. (No, it's not the party – it's other factors in life right now.)
Time was, I thrived under stress and could power through anything. I ate it up, didn't sleep, and came out feeling like a million bucks.
Right now, it's just wearing me down, making me want to give up for a bit, sleep for hours, gnash and wail.
I'm used to always being the rock and the anchor, and it makes it hard to have times that I need a bigger rock or a stronger anchor, especially when I don't feel right burdening friends with my issues and concerns and worries.
Things will change. They always do, and I know that. I just find it harder now to weather each valley and savor each peak.
Argh.
I spent both days of my weekend working, with my friend James, on decorating the house, from 9 AM until well after 11 PM, almost straight through.
Our weeknights from Monday through Thursday will be busy from 7 PM until midnight.
Friday, he's taking off of work to come over and we're going to finish all the final touches.
Saturday will require some light work in the morning, and then the party at night.
Sunday I plan on sleeping all day.
I think I'll have earned it.
So, everybody remembers that little Hot Blogger Calendar contest, right?
Well, the photos have been taken, and I submitted another one after my first one was rejected. The calendars are being put together and they are now available for pre-order! The calendars will begin shipping in mid-November just in time for Christmas or Chanukah or Diwali or Kwanzaa.
They're only $12.00 each for 12 months of hot bloggery goodness. They'd make great calendars to hang in your office, to give to family members, and to masturbate to each evening.
I can't show you the photo of me that they used, but I'll show you one that we decided not to use:
You don't want to miss out, do you?
2009 Hot Blogger Calendar – The Women (including Miss Britt!):
This a boring Halloween party post.
This weekend, I have to make my house look like a carnival. The goal is to get the decorations mainly done by next Friday night so that Saturday doesn't become an all-day affair like last year.
Last year, I, along with friends, worked from about 8 in the morning until the party started on the day of the party to finish the decorations. This left me exhausted all night.
We've been slowly preparing everything for four months now, so ideally this weekend will allow us to get a lot of major parts done, and then the rest will be a piece of cake.
Not that it's ever that easy.
The caterer's done, the bartender's done, I'll be buying liquor this weekend, and I have my costume. It's all slowly coming together . . .
I can't wait until next week!
In the tradition of Wayne's 3-minute DITL (Day In The Life) videos, here is my 4-minute WISC (Weekend In Saint Croix) video:
Yes, fuckers and gentlefuckers, I'm back. Well, technically, I got back Sunday at midnight, but I had all of these gullible guest posters in the wings and decided to let them post away. Thanks to everyone who contributed!
I have some video to post soon, and I will give a recap shortly. Today, though, I just wanted to focus on one fantastic (sarcasm) element of a completely amazing (sarcasm again) trip to hell Saint Croix.
And, as is typical with my blog, this story revolves around the bathroom.
"Adam," my wife said exasperatedly, "there's another dead roach in the bathroom and it's huge."
"I'll take care of it, but I have to go the bathroom first. I'll be a little while."
"Okay, I'll go down and order our dinner and see you in 45 minutes."
I entered my substitute throne room and sat down. The only reading material I had was a crappy OK! magazine that I purloined from my wife's bag.
About five feet away, dead as dead can be, laying on its back close to the wall of the bathroom, was the largest cockroach I have ever seen. I'm not squeamish around bugs at all – I like most spiders and other bugs just annoy me – but this one creeped me the fuck out.
I continued with my important toilet-related business and became engrossed in a story about how Angelina got her body back so quickly after giving birth. That's when it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, over the edge of the magazine, I saw a twitch.
"What the fuck?" I closed the magazine and stared at Roachzilla. Nothing happened. I slowly picked up my magazine and began to read about Lauren and Heidi's fight when it happened again! "I saw you this time, shitbrick," I said. Almost in response, both antennae twitched violently. They reached around like little hands trying to feel their way in a darkened room.
The antennae was just the start. Shortly thereafter, the front legs began to slowly bend and extend. I was suddenly very interested in trying to finish pooping as quickly as humanly possible. "Oh why didn't I eat more fiber today?" I sobbed as I tried to mentally push the blockage through my colon. A vein popped in my forehead. The giant freakazoid roach's back legs began to slowly do the breaststroke in the air.
"I am NOT going to be stuck here when you flip back over!" I shouted at the violently thrashing roach. Tears streaming down my face, I sighed with relief as the last vestiges of waste was purged from my system. As I stood and reached for the toilet paper, Frankenroach's kicks found purchase and he righted himself. Antennae twitching, the fucking thing charged right for me!
"AAAEIIIIEIIIIEIEEIEIEEEEEEEEEE!" I'll admit I may have shrieked. A little. I went to smash the little bastard and he flew ONTO MY FUCKING HAND.
"AAAEIIIIEIIIIEIEEIEIEEEEEEEEEE!" That time I really shrieked. And I flicked my hand away and the roach flew directly into the toilet, where it landed upside down and struggled violently to free itself from its fecal prison.
"Eat shit and die, Mr. Roach," I said in a gravelly voice and flushed him to his inglorious death.*
In other Avitanews:
I am actually back in Orlando, but I've needed this respite from blogging. Normal posting will resume tomorrow, but, more importantly, tonight, after a two-show hiatus, "Clearly, you're retarded" is back on the air! Tonight at 9 PM EST on Talkshoe, Britt and I will be talking about voting. Should someone have to pass a basic knowledge or skills test to have their vote count? What do you think?
You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!
I've saved the best guest poster for last. A cover model for Argyle Enthusiasts Weekly, voted one of the internet's sexiest gay men who still live at home, and the famed creator of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl – please welcome Craig!
Well hello everybody! Craig from Puntabulous here. You may remember me from the debate I had with Avitable over which was better Star Wars or Star Trek. Oh, you do remember me kicking his ass? Good. Because I'm here once again to dominate.
You may be running through the list of things that makes me better than Avitable in your head. It goes on so long! But there may be one (very large) thing you're leaving off. I don't blame you, it's something I don't like to brag about, but it's undeniable.
My cock is bigger than Avitable's.
How do I know this, you ask? No, me and Avitable haven't made sweet sweet love under a starry sky, as much as he'd like to, so I've never actually seen it. No, I know this because the evidence is irrefutable. And I'd like to run down it for you fine folks right now. I figured it was best to do this while Avitable was away, so he wouldn't have to endure the humiliation in realtime.
1. There is photographic evidence:
2. It's a known fact that gay men have larger dicks than their straight counterparts. It's the reason we're gay! We look down at the massive piece of junk dangling between our legs and recognize it as a thing of rare beauty. We can hardly believe ourselves! We need to see if other men's dicks are just as big. And what do you know? They are! Because they're also gay! Straight men on the other hand fuck women because they're too embarrassed to show their tiny dicks to other men. I mean, comparing dicks and vaginas is like comparing apples and oranges (or more precisely bananas and beans) so they don't have to feel shame. Sad but true!
3. The simple rule of proportions. While I'm a towering 6 feet and 4 glorious inches tall, Avitable clocks in at a measly 6 feet. That makes me approximately 5% taller than him, and therefore my dick is also (at least!) approximately 5% larger.
4. Look at that pussy up there hanging out with Adolf Hittler. What does he think, that makes him tough? Well guess what mother fucker, Satan is my homeboy. We spend eternities down in Hell just being two big-dicked, wild and crazy sodomaniacs. And singing showtunes. Because, you know, he's also gay.
5. Blog names. What the fuck does Avitable even mean? It sounds a lot like "avoidable" as in "Stay away! You don't want to fuck that guy! He has to wear 5 condoms just so his dick is big enough to fill up your vag!" Puntabulous on the other hand just goes to show how much punta I'm always getting with my big dick.
6. Lastly, he prefers Star Wars over Star Trek. Everyone knows that the lightsaber is a phalic symbol, meant to compensate for small dicked Star Wars fans all over the galaxy. They're like the Hummers of the science fiction world. Phasers on the other hand are the sensible sedans for us (extremely) well-endowed folk of the world who don't have anything to prove. Your schwartz is as big as mine? I don't think so.
