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Pakistan in the place where you were

I’ve known Faiqa since I was in 9th grade – she was a year ahead of me in the International Baccalaureate program and, just like the rest of us there, a huge nerd, dork, geek, and dweeb. Her guest post, a history lesson, shows that she hasn’t really gotten away from those labels even in her old age:


What You Need to Know About Pakistan

Obama and McCain have been going at it quite a bit over Pakistan, lately.

I wonder, though, how many Americans even know where the fuck Pakistan is and, much less, why we should give a shit? Avitable’s got smart readers, but here’s some quick talking points in case you need to brush up.

Geography

Pakistan is located in Central Asia if the newly elected former dictator of Pakistan shamelessly kisses America’s ass to get billions of dollars in military aid. When America finds out that those same billions of dollars were spent building nuclear weapons to aim at India instead of fighting Islamic militants in Afghanistan, then Pakistan is magically relocated to the Middle East.

Language

Pakistan is pronounced Paa-kiss-taahn, not Pack-is-tan. Some dipshit in the L.A. Times wrote that Obama should stop saying Paakisstaahn and “say it like everybody else.” Personally, I think people who say Paakisstaahn sound smarter. Then again, sounding smart may not be a good idea if you want to win over American hockey moms.

People

Pakistani women are really, really hot and cool. Especially when they are in high school. Avitable can verify this.

Why You Give A Shit.
Given that Pakistan is 61 years old, its had ample time to get its shit together in the tribal areas that border Afghanistan, a.k.a, the birthplace of Al Qaeda. It has failed miserably at this. Obama’s actually taking it easy on Pakistan by not suggesting that we kick their asses from here until next Friday just yet. He’s given them tangible goals to meet, and expressed willingness to help them achieve those goals. McCain will most likely continue Bush’s policy of compromising Pakistani borders without their permission or warnings because he thinks you “shouldn’t talk about these things out loud.” Basically, McCain’s intended policy suggests that dialogue is bad, and an illegal invasion is good.

What You Can Do for Your Country
Be assured, we’re not going to war with Pakistan anytime soon since Pakistan is still, unequivocally, America’s bitch in the region. Nevertheless, the war at home is just as important as the war we’re not fighting abroad. The best way to convert the hearts and minds of people is by making them feel like shit about who they are, while making ourselves look enormously cool. Addressing newly immigrated Pakistanis with the terms “Paki,” “Raghead,” or “Pakistaini” ensures a high degree of success in this area. If that doesn’t work, just ask them if they’re from India. That will really upset them. Camel jockey is for Arabs, and if you don’t know that, you’re a fucking moron.

And THE Most Important Thing All Americans MUST Know About Pakistan
Avitable’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather was a 19th century Portuguese mercenary who governed over what is present day Peshawar in Pakistan. He was enormously cruel, and, to this day, parents threaten their children with the transliteration of his last name, Abu Tabela. If you’re even remotely acquainted with Avitable, you don’t even have to fact check this one to know that this has to be absolutely fucking true.

*The author of this post does not assume any ideological responsibility for the statements made above. Any declarations of jihad or reading of fatwas should be directed at the primary author of this blog, Adam Abu Tabela Avitable.

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32 Replies to “Pakistan in the place where you were”

  1. Jay

    Pakistan sounds like a great place to visit. Maybe rent a log cabin up in the mountains somewhere near a river where you can go fishing and maybe do a little hiking. Yeah, that would be very relaxing.

  2. Nat

    Karen: We pronounce it Paa-kiss-taahn as well. Canada is in North Amercia. Unless we start to build nuclear weapons then we’ll also be magically relocated to the Middle East. 😛

    The Boy’s good buddy is from Pakistan. The Boy came home and announced “But he’s not an Indian.” Which I just now understood…

  3. Faiqa

    Karen Sugarpants: If you’re Canadian, you should prepare for an unprecedented influx of American liberals should this election go awry.

    Poppy You’re so welcome.

    whall: Am I supposed to be Otis in that analogy?! Since alcohol is illegal in Pakistan, there is no Joe Six-Pakistan. Thank God for small favors.

    Jay Actually, it is. The NWF province is stunningly beautiful. And relaxing. As long as you don’t mind drone firings, you’ll have a wonderful time.

    Bluestreak: I thought about titling the post “Pakistan for Idiots.”

    SingleParentDad Damn. I thought we were copying your policy…

    RW: You meant Capsicum Sea, didn’t you?

    Miss Britt: Bow, thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all day, folks.

    B.E. Earl: Let’s not forget nooculyar. I can’t even transliterate Palin-speak properly.

    Finn: Clearly, you have excellent taste when it comes to choosing your girl crushes.

    Grant: Plus Japanese women are way more subservient than Pakistani women. I’m sure that helps.

    Karen: Yeah, I used to get really irate when people asked me if I was Indian. Then I actually married someone from India and now I just answer “yes.” Karma is fun.

    Clown: Racists are not really known for their clever use of metaphor.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: Did you read that Adam?! Goddess. CMG, something tells me you have nothing to worry about.

    Sybil: You’re my favorite student. 🙂

  4. whall

    re: your reply to Karen Sugarpants… you mean if I get enough people to make sure McCain gets elected, I can rid us of those pesky entitlement-hungry socialist liberals too??? Wow, talk about a win-win!

  5. Faiqa

    whall: If you can *make sure* McCain gets elected, I want a letter of recommendation from you so that I can be a member of the Illuminati, too.

    RW: Capsaicin is the active ingredient in Capsicum. Capsicum is consumed in vast quantities in nations that are close to the Caspian Sea. Which is in Central Asia. Where the food and the women are hot. It appears that you and I are so incredibly intelligent that we need a translator to communicate with one another.

  6. Hoosier Girl

    First of all, this post just proves to me AGAIN that you are totally awesome. I am completely with Finn on this! I think I have a girl crush on you, too. :heartbeat:

    Second, I think this post is very informative. You should do a real one. For those of us who ARE internationally….um…challenged.

    J.

  7. Faiqa

    maman: Ha. Yeah, Iranians *love* it when people call them Arabs.

    RW: I agree. I’ll forward that info. to the relevant parties.

    Hoosier Girl: Thanks! This was a real one. I don’t really get much smarter than this. 😉

    metalmom: I know I love wrinkly brains.

    Kay: Avitable used Cliff Notes to pass high school and quite possibly college. I’m sure of it.

    Avitable: Don’t think I didn’t notice you calling me ‘dweeby’ in the introduction. Nobody expected you to juggle the intellectualism and social graces as effortlessly as I did. Let it go, green is a bad color on you. Let’s just put this behind us and hug it out, bitch.

    And, btw, thanks for letting me post on your blog today. :hug:

  8. Tariq

    Aha, this explains Faiqa’s ‘I am the queen of the world’ attitude today. And I thought she was acting like that because it was Boss’ day. You all are spoiling her with 27 different comments telling her how awesome she is. Hehehe…just kidding.
    -Faiqa’s husband.

  9. Faiqa Khan

    Dory:Pronouncing a country’s name correctly is way more important than knowing where they are, as far as I’m concerned.
    Tariq: Stop FOLLOWING me. Gaawd.
    Mik: Pakisstaahni guys in high school… so NOT hot or cool.
    hello haha narf Anytime sister!! I will def. be seeing you at the party, looking forward to it.
    Ginger: Thanks! 🙂

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