I've known Faiqa since I was in 9th grade – she was a year ahead of me in the International Baccalaureate program and, just like the rest of us there, a huge nerd, dork, geek, and dweeb. Her guest post, a history lesson, shows that she hasn't really gotten away from those labels even in her old age:

What You Need to Know About Pakistan

Obama and McCain have been going at it quite a bit over Pakistan, lately.

I wonder, though, how many Americans even know where the fuck Pakistan is and, much less, why we should give a shit? Avitable’s got smart readers, but here’s some quick talking points in case you need to brush up.

Geography

Pakistan is located in Central Asia if the newly elected former dictator of Pakistan shamelessly kisses America’s ass to get billions of dollars in military aid. When America finds out that those same billions of dollars were spent building nuclear weapons to aim at India instead of fighting Islamic militants in Afghanistan, then Pakistan is magically relocated to the Middle East.

Language

Pakistan is pronounced Paa-kiss-taahn, not Pack-is-tan. Some dipshit in the L.A. Times wrote that Obama should stop saying Paakisstaahn and “say it like everybody else.” Personally, I think people who say Paakisstaahn sound smarter. Then again, sounding smart may not be a good idea if you want to win over American hockey moms.

People

Pakistani women are really, really hot and cool. Especially when they are in high school. Avitable can verify this.

Why You Give A Shit.
Given that Pakistan is 61 years old, its had ample time to get its shit together in the tribal areas that border Afghanistan, a.k.a, the birthplace of Al Qaeda. It has failed miserably at this. Obama’s actually taking it easy on Pakistan by not suggesting that we kick their asses from here until next Friday just yet. He’s given them tangible goals to meet, and expressed willingness to help them achieve those goals. McCain will most likely continue Bush’s policy of compromising Pakistani borders without their permission or warnings because he thinks you “shouldn’t talk about these things out loud.” Basically, McCain’s intended policy suggests that dialogue is bad, and an illegal invasion is good.

What You Can Do for Your Country
Be assured, we’re not going to war with Pakistan anytime soon since Pakistan is still, unequivocally, America’s bitch in the region. Nevertheless, the war at home is just as important as the war we’re not fighting abroad. The best way to convert the hearts and minds of people is by making them feel like shit about who they are, while making ourselves look enormously cool. Addressing newly immigrated Pakistanis with the terms “Paki,” “Raghead,” or “Pakistaini” ensures a high degree of success in this area. If that doesn’t work, just ask them if they’re from India. That will really upset them. Camel jockey is for Arabs, and if you don’t know that, you’re a fucking moron.

And THE Most Important Thing All Americans MUST Know About Pakistan
Avitable’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather was a 19th century Portuguese mercenary who governed over what is present day Peshawar in Pakistan. He was enormously cruel, and, to this day, parents threaten their children with the transliteration of his last name, Abu Tabela. If you’re even remotely acquainted with Avitable, you don’t even have to fact check this one to know that this has to be absolutely fucking true.

*The author of this post does not assume any ideological responsibility for the statements made above. Any declarations of jihad or reading of fatwas should be directed at the primary author of this blog, Adam Abu Tabela Avitable.

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