I’d never usually consider reading, much less falling in love with, a blog called “Attack of the Redneck Mommy“. I mean, it has “redneck” and “mommy” in the title! Luckily for me (and of course, even luckier for the author), I took a chance and my life hasn’t been the same since. She’s funny, she’s hot, and she’s a dirty, dirty pervert. Say hi to Tanis!
I spent an inordinate amount of time hanging around my best friend’s house as a child, primarily as a means to escape my big brother’s attempts to torture me by farting on my face or twisting my toes into a tangle of knots.
It helped that my best friend’s mom was never home, they had the fancy cable channels my parents were too cheap to fork out for and there was always an abundance of junk food in their pantry that no one seemed to mind if we gorged ourselves on.
My best friend’s parents became accustomed to tripping over me at all hours of the day and eventually adopted me as one of their own in their tribe. As such, I was invited to family functions and gatherings on a regular basis.
No one seemed to bat an eye at the gangly, knobby kneed blonde child who appeared to have no family of her own when she crashed other people’s family dinners.
One such gathering for my best friend’s cousin’s birthday celebration, my best friend and I blew off the grown ups and went to find a quiet spot to gossip about how hideously uncool said cousin was.
We quickly found our way into her aunt and uncle’s private oasis, the master bedroom. My friend immediately started snooping through their bookshelf, looking for a copy of the Joys of Sex; while I stood there paralyzed with fear of being found snooping.
My friend, not finding any sexy books other than a well dog-eared version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover, turned around to find me rooted to the floor with a strange look on my face.
“What’s the matter Tanis?” she whispered, worried I had maybe spotted something gossip worthy like a vibrator or a pair of handcuffs. (She was a horny teenager. I myself had no such interest in other people’s perversions. That didn’t come until much later. Wink.)
“There is a framed picture of MacGyver on the night stand! With a plastic rose laying beneath it!”
“Ya, my aunt has a thing for Richard Dean Anderson,” she quickly explained and then dismissed me to continue her hunt for some unknown treasure trove of sexual goodies.
It turned out that my friend’s aunt was Dicky’s biggest fan. She belonged to his fan club, never missed an episode of MacGyver and dreamed of him every night.
“Doesn’t your uncle mind having another man’s picture framed on the night stand beside his bed?” I asked. I was fairly certain my mom wouldn’t be able to get away with that shit in our house no matter how much she professed to love Elvis.
“Beats me. Now quit staring at MacGyver and help me get this shoe box down from the closet before we’re busted.”
We never were busted, nor did we find anything of interest other than the freakish photo framed on the bedside table.
I never understood why a grown woman could idolize another human being. I mean it’s one thing to hang posters of your heartthrobs on your walls as a teen but once you can legally vote, the posters should come down.
That was before one sunny afternoon when I stumbled on Avitable. Who was this handsome burly man who announced ‘tact is for pussies’? He spoke to the Redneck that lay deep within me. (Bound and gagged with duct tape and an old sock, sure, but she’s still in there.)
It didn’t take me long to realize Adam was the man blogger I had been searching for, what with his crass humour and penchant for posting naked pictures of himself. Here was a blog I wished I had the brass nuts to write myself. I found myself lurking, longer and longer every day, in the hopes of catching his attention.
When that didn’t work, I pulled out the big guns. I sent him a picture of some random Internet bimbo’s my boobs. That got his attention. And so marked the beginnings of a beautiful, slightly one-sided and clearly stalkerish relationship.
Call me Patty Bouvier, but Adam, you are my MacGyver.
I just wish my husband would stop throwing the picture I have of you on my bedside table into the trash.
Who wouldn’t want this mug staring at them when they wake up every morning?
Enjoy this post? Try these:Verbally Abuse Avitable Day
30 Days of Truth Day 11: Compliments
Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
I fucking LOVE Tanis. Though I must admit she isn’t the only blogger with that picture framed beside the bed.
Karl, fess up.
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I love that picture of Adam. Business on the top, Party on the bottom.
Did he fly into a hurricane? Will he be trapped on a Caribbean Island with no Internet/Cell Phone Access. Will Britt stage a coup at the office? Is there enough chlorine in that swimming pool?
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
So…does that mean it’s *weird* to have a photograph of Richard Dean Anderson on your nightstand? Hmmm.
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
my bedside picture is of paul reubens. perfectly normal, right?
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Just say no to crack. :fisting:
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Can we talk about your “expose ‘em’ tendency!
Um, Adam?? The Full moon was on the 14th.
~ZZ
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Oh Adam….. I didn’t know there was a fan club! Where do I sign up?? :sex023:
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
yay, i’m not the only one with an unhealthy love for avitable!!!
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Who doesn’t?
*raises hand*
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Me.
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Twitter: Halushki
says:
ROFLOL!!!!
Omg…that picture…I think my tubes just untied!
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Business on the top, Party on the bottom.
LOL @ Little Miss Sunshine State. I’ve never heard a man described in terms of a mullet!!
:lmao:
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I never thought that anything could possibly overwhelm the beauty of McGuyver (Damn, his mullet was so HAWT!) but that image would totally make any female (Or homosexual male) go, “McGuyver WHO?”
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:lmao:
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Ha!
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Three cheers for Tanis. Now I have a new place to lurk.
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A Simpsons sister reference and nekkid pool pic? Thank you, Tanis for sending me over here!
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pffffft – Tanis – I think it would be easier to name the folks you haven’t shown yer boobs too. Anyhow, I still don’t get it, it’s abnormal to have framed photos of MacGyver on the bedside table, how else am I supposed to get my motor running (besides using a paperclip and some chewing gum)?
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Yup, scary scary pic.
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I have to admit that I, too, have stared at the picture many a time. *sigh*
J.
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Wow – looking at that picture…well, let’s just say that there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to question his own sexuality.
Of course, this isn’t one of those times. Dang, why can’t I unburn that image from my brain? AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
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:thumbsup: Oh Tanis you make me laugh! My grandma was in love with McGyver also, I think she kept a secret picture of him too!
The picture CRACKS me up!!
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Nekkid in the pool! What’s not to love? Sign me up too, Tanis!
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I thought I’d pop over here just to prove Avitable wrong about the pull of Tanis’ boobage to his site, but now I need psychotherapy for my PTSD after viewing that photo!
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Twitter: BackpackingDad
says:
I’m done.
I found the end of the internet.
And by ‘end’ I mean ‘ass’. And by ‘ass’ I mean ‘bare ass’. And by interent I mean ‘Avitable.’
I can stop surfing porn sites and waiting for Tanis to send me pictures of her boobs. Who needs them?
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McGyver wins
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LMAO!!! This was terrific!
And seriously, Avitable, you are kinda hot!
I’m dying over the framed MacGyver pic though lol and her husband throwing that ass baring pool pic in the trash repeatedly! :lmao:
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Som of the best Internet relationships I’ve formed got their start because someone was willing to bare their boobs for the other. I love you, Tanis, but I’m still waiting….
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:puke:
There is something to be said for hairy ass crack. I just think its better if I don’t say it…hehe. You know they make wax for that stuff…
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The post was great, but every time you post that picture I can’t stop laughing. It’s priceless!
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I think Avitable is the man of my dreams.
You know, the one who follows me home and stalks me?
Just kidding.
Great post, Tanis!
There are no words for that picture of Avitable. NICE.
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I fuckin love Tanis.
The weirdesr thing I’ve found while snoopin has to be a book in my brothers room when I was like ten…and I didn’t understand why some pages stuck together when I tried to open it.
*pukes a little*
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Tanis – you are awesome.
I, too, love Avitable. But I know I couldn’t have put it so eloquently!
So here’s a quote from THE Dicky, on the Simpson’s:
This is kidnapping! People are gonna know I’m missing. There is a liquor store I go to every morning.
Richard Dean Anderson
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I’ll take MacGyver!
I still love that show!
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Holla Tanis your over 20 !!!
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I came over here to help out Tanis I’m glad I did it has been a long time since I saw such a pale hairy ass.Kudos to you for having the balls to show it off. :clap:
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Kind of reassuring I wasn’t the only one with a thing for MacGyver. Of course I was in highschool at the time!
I’d still SO do him though!
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Cracktastic!
Seriously had me laughing
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U rock big red
what does o.j. simpson and clay atkins not have in common??? O.J. will not be coming out any time soon.
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I <3 Tanis too but dude, I got that picture as my wallpaper in my bathroom! :sex023:
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Tanis you crack me up! HA
And I thought this smiley appropriate lol :boobs3: and these ones too! :boobs4: :boobs2:
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Just stoppin by to
add a comment forwave to Tanis :sexytime:Reply
Oh Avitable, you are a GOD!!
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Twitter: 5and1
says:
Hey Tanis! Thanks for introducing me to Avitable.
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This was too funny. A redneck woman & a nekkid guy in a pool described AS a mullet!! :lmao: Sarcasm & twisted humor with a side of intelligence ROCKS!! And I have a picture of Rick Springfield on my bedside table; he had a great mullet in the 80′s!! Come to think of it, he had a nice ass too!
Oh, UMMMM, some of your smilies are creeping me out & scaring the shit out of me!!
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Love the nekkid butt!!!! Too funny!
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Great post Tanis, as usual. Now I must go and read all about Avitable. :thumbsup:
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Love the pix, love the Redneck Mom and now Adam! Carry on.
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Awesome post!
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Dude, waxing? Hello?
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Is it wrong that I love that picture very much?
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
hey, that’s the picture i have above my bed, too! it’s next to the ones of ponch and john.
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Twitter: GingerSnaps
says:
Rowr!
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Twitter: DExtraordinaire
says:
I think it was the fake rose that really pushed it over the edge.
Was the photo at least autographed?
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:woohoo: :boobs4: :boobs2:
I love Tanis. She’s awesome.
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