Yes, fuckers and gentlefuckers, I’m back. Well, technically, I got back Sunday at midnight, but I had all of these gullible guest posters in the wings and decided to let them post away. Thanks to everyone who contributed!
I have some video to post soon, and I will give a recap shortly. Today, though, I just wanted to focus on one fantastic (sarcasm) element of a completely amazing (sarcasm again) trip to hell Saint Croix.
And, as is typical with my blog, this story revolves around the bathroom.
“Adam,” my wife said exasperatedly, “there’s another dead roach in the bathroom and it’s huge.”
“I’ll take care of it, but I have to go the bathroom first. I’ll be a little while.”
“Okay, I’ll go down and order our dinner and see you in 45 minutes.”
I entered my substitute throne room and sat down. The only reading material I had was a crappy OK! magazine that I purloined from my wife’s bag.
About five feet away, dead as dead can be, laying on its back close to the wall of the bathroom, was the largest cockroach I have ever seen. I’m not squeamish around bugs at all – I like most spiders and other bugs just annoy me – but this one creeped me the fuck out.
I continued with my important toilet-related business and became engrossed in a story about how Angelina got her body back so quickly after giving birth. That’s when it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, over the edge of the magazine, I saw a twitch.
“What the fuck?” I closed the magazine and stared at Roachzilla. Nothing happened. I slowly picked up my magazine and began to read about Lauren and Heidi’s fight when it happened again! “I saw you this time, shitbrick,” I said. Almost in response, both antennae twitched violently. They reached around like little hands trying to feel their way in a darkened room.
The antennae was just the start. Shortly thereafter, the front legs began to slowly bend and extend. I was suddenly very interested in trying to finish pooping as quickly as humanly possible. “Oh why didn’t I eat more fiber today?” I sobbed as I tried to mentally push the blockage through my colon. A vein popped in my forehead. The giant freakazoid roach’s back legs began to slowly do the breaststroke in the air.
“I am NOT going to be stuck here when you flip back over!” I shouted at the violently thrashing roach. Tears streaming down my face, I sighed with relief as the last vestiges of waste was purged from my system. As I stood and reached for the toilet paper, Frankenroach’s kicks found purchase and he righted himself. Antennae twitching, the fucking thing charged right for me!
“AAAEIIIIEIIIIEIEEIEIEEEEEEEEEE!” I’ll admit I may have shrieked. A little. I went to smash the little bastard and he flew ONTO MY FUCKING HAND.
“AAAEIIIIEIIIIEIEEIEIEEEEEEEEEE!” That time I really shrieked. And I flicked my hand away and the roach flew directly into the toilet, where it landed upside down and struggled violently to free itself from its fecal prison.
“Eat shit and die, Mr. Roach,” I said in a gravelly voice and flushed him to his inglorious death.*
*Okay, maybe I actually said “ohgodohgodohgod” in a high-pitched squeal and flushed him. But I thought of that line later.
In other Avitanews:
- Today is the 55th birthday of cantankerous RW. There’s nothing he’d hate more than a big group of people he doesn’t know wishing him a happy birthday, so go give him some birthday felicitations!
- Thanks to everyone who tuned into the show last night! You can download it here or go here to listen to it. You can even subscribe to our podcast on iTunes!
- This is the last week to order T-shirts! If you’ve been waiting on ordering a Dave shirt or one of my other Halloween designs, now is the time!
There comes a time in every man’s life when he tries to suck his own dick
Miss Britt Goes To Prison: A Story
Twitter: Amanda234
says:
Welcome back, lady
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Oh my god, that’s funny. Horrifying. But funny.
You know, if you had just taken care of it when your wife asked, you could have shit in peace.
I’m just saying.
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
Do you make that noise when you wave your Cosmo mag at Brit to get her out of your office?
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Freakazoids
Roaches
Please report.
Freakzoids
Roaches
Please report to the bath room.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Oh, and because you post every night at 12:00 AM, *you* are my Midnight Star.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
They say when attacked by a zombie cockroach you should always go for the head.
Well done, sir!
(Get it? Head…toilet…eh? Crap.)
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Roaches and shit. You really ARE back aren’t you?
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Welcome back, roach killer. You know it was just taking a break in there before you disturbed it.
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OMG that story released a strange mix of emotions ranging from awe, disgust, fear and maniacal laughter.. (and peeing my pants while doing so)… :clap:
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You should know that my 6 month pregnant ass almost peed the bed reading this and my husband had tears from laughing so hard…
Thank you.
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Good grief. I, too, ran the whole range of emotions, laughing in horror and pain and glee all at once and then had to go change my pants.
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Having seen the incredible size of the Palmetto bugs (cockroachs) you have in Florida, this bug must have been HUGE to intimidate you.
Welcome home!
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I needed a story on pooping and roaches to start my day. It’s good to have you back.
(Thanks for the heads up on the birthday boy!)
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Carribean roaches are some bad muthafuckers! I’m surprised he didn’t flip over and try to sell you some weed or cheap island hookers!
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I too was on vacation once and had a similar experience.
I was wearing a long cotton nightie when I went into the kitchenette of the hotel we were staying in to get something cold to drink.
When I got back to bed, I felt something strange moving under my nightie and crawling up to my vajayjay.
I jumped the fuck out of bed, ripped the nightie off, and there he was — a freaking cockroach!
It looked like a Madagascar hissing cockroach but we weren’t in Madagascar.
I was so freaked out knowing that it must have jumped up on the hem of my nightie that I slept pretty much naked the rest of the vacation and no matter how thirsty I was or how bad I had to pee … I never left the bed in the middle of the night for the rest of the vacation.
And the sound of “CRUNCH” that it made when I killed the fucker is something that will remain in my brain forever.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
thanks for making my skin crawl, fucker.
welcome home!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
No one better have stolen my comment.
I know what to come as for your party now: a big, juicy cockroach!
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I hate it when they play dead. It must have been a very impressive speciman, based on the size of the flying fuckers we have here in Florida.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Oh, God, oh, God, OH GOD, that story was horrific. I can’t believe you actually were able *to actually shit* … I have a new respect for you, now.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Oh- and how *did* Angelina get her body back?
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Oh how I hate that I am a visual reader.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I was on the edge of my seat, not a porcelain one, just a regular seat.
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I’m fairly certain you can die happy now. Don’t we all just exist through life HOPING that one day we can say “EAT SHIT & DIE” and TRULY mean it!!
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
LMFAO. You’re such a girl.
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One of these days you should just post a picture of your shit. You know you want to.
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DON’T LISTERN TO GRANT PLEASE!!!!!
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
So what your cryptically saying is that you checked into the Roach Motel AND you checked out… so they’re full of shit on their ads.
Good to know.
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Although I haaaaate bugs and have never been (un)fortunate enough to meet a cockroach, that story totally made my morning. My husband would have reacted teh same way. Thank you!
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:lmao:
Way to defeat the roach, Nancy!
No parking baby. No parking on the dance floor.
Stupid Whall!
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That’s the best laugh I’ve had in a week. I’m so glad you’re back. I’ve missed you, man!!!
:lmao:
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:deadhorse: Hilarious!!
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Twitter: msmegan
says:
Welcome home!
Think it was the smell that brought him back to life?
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Holy shit, or should I type, roach-shit? Didn’t he do dodgy soul, no that was Roachford.
You should sell your stench as roach smelling salts, gotta be a tiny market for that.
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That practically had me screaming just from reading about that damn roach! Oh yah, btw, I’ve been lurking ever since you posted over at Maria’s place. Hi!
javascript:moreSmiliesAappendSmiley(‘:sexytime:’)
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Amanda, hey, I still have testicles. Wanna see?
Blissfully Caffeinated, that’s why I should always listen to her.
Angie, yes, how’d you guess?
Whall, I’m guessing you’re quoting something that I don’t know.
BE Earl, you’re so punny!
Honeybell, with a fecal vengeance.
Mik, I think it came back from the dead.
DB, that sounds like my typical bathroom experience.
Rachel, if I can make just one pregnant woman pee, I’ve done my job.
Angie, next time, read me on the toilet. It’s easier.
Aunt Robin, yeah, it was pretty fucking big.
Daisy, pooping and roaches at your service, ma’am.
Blondefabulous, no, he was too busy being lazy as a part of “island time”.
Mattie, you see, I would have gone the other direction and dressed in tight form-fitting clothes, not gone naked!
Hello, anytime.
Poppy, oh, I don’t mind roaches, but this one was horrible!
Kaila, it was a giant among roaches.
Faiqa, I had no choice, and the trauma left me unable to remember what Angelina’s tips were.
Britt, oh how I love listening or watching you when you read my posts.
Robin, just don’t poop.
Hallie, it was a dream of mine.
Maria, shut up, you’re going to make me cry!
Grant, nobody wants to see that.
Greg, oh, I won’t.
NYCWD, I barely made it alive.
Darcie, roaches are scary looking up close!
Sybil, all that matters is that I won in the end.
Evil Genius, glad to be back.
Clayton, such is my life.
Finn, my shit smells like daisies and angel’s wings, so probably not.
SPD, very tiny.
Mrs. Kitty, well, it had me screaming while it happened!
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Twitter: alimartell
says:
i was all ready to be all “my god, what a baby” until i read that it flew onto your hand. you hand! it would be that moment. right there. where i’d likely die.
heh.
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ew ew ew
*shivvers*
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Jeebus, Marly and all the saints in heaven!!!!
*crossing myself*
You have given me the creeps!!
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“he flew ONTO MY FUCKING HAND”? fuck. me. This was your halloween post right? gross, the whole way around. Thx.
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Twitter: http://whall.org/blog
says:
Ahmoo, 80′s pop/rap/dance group “Midnight star” did two infectious dance songs “Freakazoid” and “No Parking (On the dance floor)” and it’s got an awesome robotic voice that says “Freakazoids, robots, please report to the dance floor” and I matched it phonetically. I
I’m just happy that one of your commenters caught the reference….
and I’d glad to see you’re manly enough to pretend like you didn’t know the song. I mean, after your roach reaction, I was getting worried.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Hahahaha, I so needed that laugh.
And in case your wife didn’t say so, I just wanted to rub it in that this is exactly why men should listen to their women.
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Ali, see? I survived. I’m a man, baby!
Christie, exactly.
Metalmom, wow, that’s hard to do, too!
Barbie, gross is an understatement!
Wayne, so what you’re saying is that you’re old?
Elizabeth, I usually do, too.
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I’m tempted to call a bullshit since I’m a Florida native and have never seen a roach right itself once it’s on its back. However, maybe that is a testament to how big it really was. SCARY!!!! :shit:
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Kimi, it was up against the wall, so I think it just managed to get a leg against the wall and push.
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So that’s how they’ve survived since the dawn of man….they’re super-intelligent!
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Super-intelligent roaches will spell the death of humanity, I think.
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Welcome back, the shitty stories you tell were surely missed!
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I had no reaction until that sucker landed on your hand. Then I got chills up and down my spine.
Last week one of those big monsters was behind my cat’s food bowl and Tigger was practically sobbing until I went over and discovered it.
When I tried to kill it, it ran all over the damn laundry room.
God, I love Florida!
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I just read “felicitations” and “fellatio” for some odd reason. Time to back awayyy from the computer.
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Twitter: tlkaply
says:
Those fuckers are tricksy aren’t they? NEVER TRUST A BUG.
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
I call bullshit on this whole post, since your answer to Kimi had nothing to do with you saying “but it was a St. Croix cockroach!” when she mentioned she’s a Florida native, and neither of you has expertise with St. Croix cockroaches.
Just sayin’.
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
Roaches would be the Numero Uno reason why I’d never live in Florida. GAHHHHHHH!!!!
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Twitter: GingerSnaps
says:
Ah, one thing I do not miss about living in Florida…the flying roaches, aka, Palmetto Bugs!
This post made me laugh until I cried! As they say in Tennessee, “You ain’t right!”
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I’ve never figured out how or why roaches end up on their backs when they die. Do they perform some kind of dramatic death scene with one antennae on their forehead, spin around twice and fall on their backs? I’m just saying… how does this happen?
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I really liked your Hollywood ending better than the honest version. Good job, roach killer!
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Sarcastica, I know. Now my blog is back to its normal crappiness.
LMSS, we have gotten lucky with very few roaches in our house.
Hilly, you should give RW some fellatio, too.
Tracy, what about love bugs? They’re trustworthy.
Poppy, I don’t know if there’s much of a difference between St. Croix roaches and Florida roaches.
Kapgar, if you have an exterminator do preventive service, you can live roach free!
Ginger, I am not right.
Jeff, I think it’s a John Woo type of death spiral.
Atomic Bombshell, me too.
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I keep finding the roaches on their backs because that’s how they land when they fall out of the A/C vents in the ceiling. They can’t even land on their feet like a fucking cat.
We live in an apartment. I buy Raid Roach Killer by the gallon. We also have frogs that come up through the plumbing.
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you’re my favorite person
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that’s pretty much my worst nightmare right there, taking a dump and having to deal with a resurrected roach.
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Oh GOD, ew. My worst nightmare WAS to have the kids bugging me while I take a dump, but now I have other things to think about….thank you!
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