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I’m home! And now it’s time for a story about a toilet.

Yes, fuckers and gentlefuckers, I’m back. Well, technically, I got back Sunday at midnight, but I had all of these gullible guest posters in the wings and decided to let them post away. Thanks to everyone who contributed!

I have some video to post soon, and I will give a recap shortly. Today, though, I just wanted to focus on one fantastic (sarcasm) element of a completely amazing (sarcasm again) trip to hell Saint Croix.

And, as is typical with my blog, this story revolves around the bathroom.

“Adam,” my wife said exasperatedly, “there’s another dead roach in the bathroom and it’s huge.”

“I’ll take care of it, but I have to go the bathroom first. I’ll be a little while.”

“Okay, I’ll go down and order our dinner and see you in 45 minutes.”

I entered my substitute throne room and sat down. The only reading material I had was a crappy OK! magazine that I purloined from my wife’s bag.

About five feet away, dead as dead can be, laying on its back close to the wall of the bathroom, was the largest cockroach I have ever seen. I’m not squeamish around bugs at all – I like most spiders and other bugs just annoy me – but this one creeped me the fuck out.

I continued with my important toilet-related business and became engrossed in a story about how Angelina got her body back so quickly after giving birth. That’s when it happened. Out of the corner of my eye, over the edge of the magazine, I saw a twitch.

“What the fuck?” I closed the magazine and stared at Roachzilla. Nothing happened. I slowly picked up my magazine and began to read about Lauren and Heidi’s fight when it happened again! “I saw you this time, shitbrick,” I said. Almost in response, both antennae twitched violently. They reached around like little hands trying to feel their way in a darkened room.

The antennae was just the start. Shortly thereafter, the front legs began to slowly bend and extend. I was suddenly very interested in trying to finish pooping as quickly as humanly possible. “Oh why didn’t I eat more fiber today?” I sobbed as I tried to mentally push the blockage through my colon. A vein popped in my forehead. The giant freakazoid roach’s back legs began to slowly do the breaststroke in the air.

“I am NOT going to be stuck here when you flip back over!” I shouted at the violently thrashing roach. Tears streaming down my face, I sighed with relief as the last vestiges of waste was purged from my system. As I stood and reached for the toilet paper, Frankenroach’s kicks found purchase and he righted himself. Antennae twitching, the fucking thing charged right for me!

“AAAEIIIIEIIIIEIEEIEIEEEEEEEEEE!” I’ll admit I may have shrieked. A little. I went to smash the little bastard and he flew ONTO MY FUCKING HAND.

“AAAEIIIIEIIIIEIEEIEIEEEEEEEEEE!” That time I really shrieked. And I flicked my hand away and the roach flew directly into the toilet, where it landed upside down and struggled violently to free itself from its fecal prison.

“Eat shit and die, Mr. Roach,” I said in a gravelly voice and flushed him to his inglorious death.*

*Okay, maybe I actually said “ohgodohgodohgod” in a high-pitched squeal and flushed him. But I thought of that line later.

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60 Replies to “I’m home! And now it’s time for a story about a toilet.”

  1. Mattie

    I too was on vacation once and had a similar experience.

    I was wearing a long cotton nightie when I went into the kitchenette of the hotel we were staying in to get something cold to drink.

    When I got back to bed, I felt something strange moving under my nightie and crawling up to my vajayjay.

    I jumped the fuck out of bed, ripped the nightie off, and there he was — a freaking cockroach!

    It looked like a Madagascar hissing cockroach but we weren’t in Madagascar.

    I was so freaked out knowing that it must have jumped up on the hem of my nightie that I slept pretty much naked the rest of the vacation and no matter how thirsty I was or how bad I had to pee … I never left the bed in the middle of the night for the rest of the vacation.

    And the sound of “CRUNCH” that it made when I killed the fucker is something that will remain in my brain forever.

  2. Avitable

    Amanda, hey, I still have testicles. Wanna see?

    Blissfully Caffeinated, that’s why I should always listen to her.

    Angie, yes, how’d you guess?

    Whall, I’m guessing you’re quoting something that I don’t know.

    BE Earl, you’re so punny!

    Honeybell, with a fecal vengeance.

    Mik, I think it came back from the dead.

    DB, that sounds like my typical bathroom experience.

    Rachel, if I can make just one pregnant woman pee, I’ve done my job.

    Angie, next time, read me on the toilet. It’s easier.

    Aunt Robin, yeah, it was pretty fucking big.

    Daisy, pooping and roaches at your service, ma’am.

    Blondefabulous, no, he was too busy being lazy as a part of “island time”.

    Mattie, you see, I would have gone the other direction and dressed in tight form-fitting clothes, not gone naked!

    Hello, anytime.

    Poppy, oh, I don’t mind roaches, but this one was horrible!

    Kaila, it was a giant among roaches.

    Faiqa, I had no choice, and the trauma left me unable to remember what Angelina’s tips were.

    Britt, oh how I love listening or watching you when you read my posts.

    Robin, just don’t poop.

    Hallie, it was a dream of mine.

    Maria, shut up, you’re going to make me cry!

    Grant, nobody wants to see that.

    Greg, oh, I won’t.

    NYCWD, I barely made it alive.

    Darcie, roaches are scary looking up close!

    Sybil, all that matters is that I won in the end.

    Evil Genius, glad to be back.

    Clayton, such is my life.

    Finn, my shit smells like daisies and angel’s wings, so probably not.

    SPD, very tiny.

    Mrs. Kitty, well, it had me screaming while it happened!

  3. whall

    Ahmoo, 80’s pop/rap/dance group “Midnight star” did two infectious dance songs “Freakazoid” and “No Parking (On the dance floor)” and it’s got an awesome robotic voice that says “Freakazoids, robots, please report to the dance floor” and I matched it phonetically. I

    I’m just happy that one of your commenters caught the reference…. πŸ™‚ and I’d glad to see you’re manly enough to pretend like you didn’t know the song. I mean, after your roach reaction, I was getting worried.

  4. Avitable

    Ali, see? I survived. I’m a man, baby!

    Christie, exactly.

    Metalmom, wow, that’s hard to do, too!

    Barbie, gross is an understatement!

    Wayne, so what you’re saying is that you’re old?

    Elizabeth, I usually do, too.

  5. Kimi

    I’m tempted to call a bullshit since I’m a Florida native and have never seen a roach right itself once it’s on its back. However, maybe that is a testament to how big it really was. SCARY!!!! :shit:

  6. Little Miss Sunshine State

    I had no reaction until that sucker landed on your hand. Then I got chills up and down my spine.

    Last week one of those big monsters was behind my cat’s food bowl and Tigger was practically sobbing until I went over and discovered it.
    When I tried to kill it, it ran all over the damn laundry room.

    God, I love Florida!

  7. Poppy

    I call bullshit on this whole post, since your answer to Kimi had nothing to do with you saying “but it was a St. Croix cockroach!” when she mentioned she’s a Florida native, and neither of you has expertise with St. Croix cockroaches.

    Just sayin’.

  8. Jeff

    I’ve never figured out how or why roaches end up on their backs when they die. Do they perform some kind of dramatic death scene with one antennae on their forehead, spin around twice and fall on their backs? I’m just saying… how does this happen?

  9. Avitable

    Sarcastica, I know. Now my blog is back to its normal crappiness.

    LMSS, we have gotten lucky with very few roaches in our house.

    Hilly, you should give RW some fellatio, too.

    Tracy, what about love bugs? They’re trustworthy.

    Poppy, I don’t know if there’s much of a difference between St. Croix roaches and Florida roaches.

    Kapgar, if you have an exterminator do preventive service, you can live roach free!

    Ginger, I am not right.

    Jeff, I think it’s a John Woo type of death spiral.

    Atomic Bombshell, me too.

  10. Little Miss Sunshine State

    I keep finding the roaches on their backs because that’s how they land when they fall out of the A/C vents in the ceiling. They can’t even land on their feet like a fucking cat.

    We live in an apartment. I buy Raid Roach Killer by the gallon. We also have frogs that come up through the plumbing.

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