I am currently hard at work at finishing the studio photos for those of you who attended the party and will soon have a post with information about that. It’s more work than I thought! And now, your regularly scheduled post:
There are many ways to avoid a case of blogger’s block. You can read the news, search for unusual holidays, or post a photo.
Or you can just call another blogger!
Using sophisticated IP tracking software, a favor from a college roommate with access to a CIA satellite, and a private detective I hired for 1,000 Canadian rupees an hour, I tracked down the phone number of Tanis, aka Redneck Mommy.
I dialed her number.
“Ooooooooooooooooooot,” the phone rang. It was answered with a clatter, almost like someone might have tried to answer it but knocked it to the ground by accident.
“Yes, yes, yes, yes,” she answered breathlessly. I heard squeaking in the background.
“Hi, is this Tanis? This is Avitable. Are you bouncing up and down on your mattress or something?”
“Oh God! God fucking yes! Oh God!”
“Oh, I’m not God. I know some people think I am, but I’m just a humble blogger, like you. So, how’s it going?”
“Uhhh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-hmmmm.” The rhythmic squeaking made it a bit hard to hear her.
“Well, it’s not a trick question. I’m doing pretty well, but I’m having trouble writing a blog post. I figured that between the both of us we should be able to come up with a good idea.”
“Right there! Harder! Softer! Slower! Faster! Ooh, don’t move!”
“I’m not going anywhere. You want me to write faster? Anyways, I was thinking that I could just write about our conversation, and maybe people might find it funny.”
“That’s it! That’s it! That’s it! Yes! Yes! YES!” Squeak-squeak-squeak echoed in the background.
“Okay, great! I love your enthusiasm! Well, what should we talk about?”
“Give me your cock. Give me your cock! Give me your fucking cock!” I heard the sound of skin slapping on top of the incessant squeaking.
“That’s a good idea – it would be funny to talk about us having some type of online affair. Then we could pretend that we emailed naked photos to each other and I could post something hideous.”
“I’m coming! Oh God, I’m coming! Yes! YES! YES!” The squeaking reached a crescendo.
“Well, I don’t know if you need to come to Florida for this guest post to work. And I already told you, I’m just Avitable. The Holy thing is just a title. I’m not really God.”
“Eeeeeeeggggggffffffffffnnnnnn…….” She trailed off and made a sound like an inflated mattress losing air.
“I’m okay with onomatopoeia too, if you want to try that, but we should come up with a cohesive plan, first, don’t you think?”
*click*
“Hello? Hello?”
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Some people would pay a lot of money for a phone call like that.
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THIS is going to be fun!
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If I give you MY number, would you pass it on to Tanis?
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Holy fuck dude, you’re calling CANADA in NOVEMBER. This is all we do!
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Is it hot in here?
Day-um.
Remind me not to read your blog when the kids are awake and I am supposed to be cooking dinner…
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Tanis is cheating on me????!!!
I kid.
That was the funniest damn thing ever.
Laughing my ass off in Utah. Heh.
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You do realize payback is going to be a bitch right?
LOL.
I’m torn between wanting to kill you and wanting to see you in that pink dress again.
Just know you have tossed the white glove down. It is ON.
Only, it’ll have to wait till my husband is out of town, cuz I may be a tad er, busy until then.
Wink.
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OMG! LMAO @ Karen Sugarpants! I can soooo relate!
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Amazing all you can learn from one little ISP number, huh? And you’ve obviously used your powers for good, as it should be done. :thumbsup:
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
OHHHHHHHHH. I get it! She was having sex and knocked the phone off the hook!!
Wait. Who still has phones you can knock off the hook?
YOU MADE THIS WHOLE THING UP, DIDN’T YOU?!?!?!
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:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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Twitter: _scifidad_
says:
@Britt: backwoods Canadians.
@Avitable: Well done sir. Well done.
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Twitter: bubblewench
says:
For some reason I am not surprised that you had a call with Tanis like that… just like her. And you.
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Twitter: Halushki
says:
Damn. Did she charge your Paypal $32.55 like she did mine for the same call?
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Mik, I’ll probably get the bill later.
Colleen, it’s all true, though!
Fadkog, no, but I’ll call you and breathe heavily into the phone.
Karen, here in the US, we call it CANADIA now.
Kelley, my blog should never be read when the kids are around!
Loralee, she wasn’t cheating with me, I swear. I just listened to the conversation!
Redneck Mommy, what? Isn’t that how you remember the conversation?
Robin, I’d rather drink hot chocolate and snuggle in front of the TV when it’s cold.
BlondeBlogger, well, my CIA contacts helped too.
Britt, Canadia’s a third-world country, didn’t you know?
Turnbaby, I only tell the truth, too.
SciFi Dad, cordless phones are a thing of the future to the Great White North, aren’t they?
Bubblewench, I was trying to have a serious discussion!
Jozet, you must have gotten the frequent caller discount. My bill was over $60!
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Twitter: maria0305
says:
:jerkoff2:
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I’m thinking I’m liking “Canadia” I’m gonna tell all my friends…
That was hilarious!
xo
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Your timing is obviously impeccable.
Thankfully I keep the phones out of the bedroom.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
teehee
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
That was sexy. Almost as sexy as Closer by NIN
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We in WNY (just over the Canadian border) have lots of conversations like that. We just charge more for them.
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
Are you sure it wasn’t me you called?
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
Heh. That was funny. I had no idea all women made the same exact sounds during intercourse. I’m feeling a little… not special.
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:lmao:
Next time, let’s work on a webcam version!
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
Wait…was she being attacked?
Is she okay?
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That’s funny… I had this same conversation with myself the other day.
No I didn’t.
Yes I did.
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Maria, coincidentally, that’s what I was doing!
PotU, it has a better rhythm to it.
NYCWD, good thinking.
Hello, did you notice that I wrote dirty talk there?
Amanda, you are insane!
Kris, damn exchange rate.
Shelli, does your phone ring “ooooooot”? I thought that only happened in Canadia.
Faiqa, I’m sure there are variances. Would you like me to listen in sometime and take notes?
Sybil, I’m sure she charges even more for that!
BE Earl, luckily, she escaped with her life.
Kiefer, no you didn’t.
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
Good point. I do live close to Canada so maybe mine sounds more Canadian than American.
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Twitter: hellohahanarf
says:
a step in the right direction. although writing and actually saying dirty talk are two totally different things.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
If you call and here a buzzing noise…I’m cooking.
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I wonder if that was whiskey dick night?
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Twitter: themuskrat
says:
That’s gotta be the filthiest thing I’ve ever read. ‘Course, I don’t read much.
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Oh mah holy hell. Thank you for the biggest laugh! I adore Tanis and this is just hysterical.
Payback is going to be fun to read too
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Well that’s exciting. An accidental answer on my part and you’d be hearing me talk to my cat!
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Shelli, it’s possible, eh?
Hello, Britt said I did it wrong anyways.
Robin, I’m sure!
Fidget, might have been. I didn’t get to hear her tell him to fuck off to the bathroom.
Muskrat, I think it’s a typical night in the Redneck Mommy house.
Rachel, I don’t know why she needs payback – I thought I portrayed her well!
Hilly, by cat do you mean your sweet, sweet pussy?
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I am shocked and appalled.
That is all.
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I can’t wait to see how this all plays out.It sounds like someone had some damn good sex.
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Twitter: whithonea
says:
I told you not to call her at this number. She hung the phone up on my forehead twice. It hurt. :sex023:
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she does that every time I call too
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Don Mills Diva, and turned on. Don’t forget that.
Tina L, either that or just some fun jumping on the bed.
Whit, I needed some Tanis time!
Katie, she clearly has an addiction.
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Twitter: karensugarpants
says:
Oh really, because I’ve been calling your cunt-tree AMERICUS. (Say it with a redneck twang)
I suppose you’ll want my phone number for your next porn call?
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OH MY. GAWD. LOL this is hilarious.
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Hey the generic avatar for those of us that don’t have an account strangley looks a LOT like me. Hmmmm….
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even my Victorian sensibilities are blushing.
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what did she mean, though, when she said “I’m coming!”?
i don’t get that part…
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Twitter: BackpackingDad
says:
So…
…you’ve invited Tanis to never speak to you again?
I’m definitely on the ‘this went a little too far’ side of the aisle. So I hope she was genuine in her playful response and that she forgives this one.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
Bwha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I think I just snorted brain through my nose.
Call me tomorrow? Around 1PM? You can listen to me freak out on my kids! :dunce:
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Karen, I don’t know – do you give good phone?
Twinkie, you have a beard?
Crystal, I can teach you about that part after Flemings.
Backpacking Dad, I’m just glad I didn’t include the drawing I did!
Heather, you need as many brains as you can get – don’t lose them!
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I’m glad my number is only in the phone book, and not in some CIA tracking thingamablog. I’m not sure I’d handle a call like that as well as Tanis did.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
You’re terrible. I’ll be watching my Caller ID for Floridian area codes now, just in case.
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Saskboy, by “as well”, do you mean “as surprisingly coherently”?
Elizabeth, ooh, but I have a Los Angeles cell phone!
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sadly, yes. lucky for me God made wax for hairy biotches like me.
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