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Method 4,982 to break blogger block

I am currently hard at work at finishing the studio photos for those of you who attended the party and will soon have a post with information about that. It’s more work than I thought! And now, your regularly scheduled post:

There are many ways to avoid a case of blogger’s block. You can read the news, search for unusual holidays, or post a photo.

Or you can just call another blogger!

Using sophisticated IP tracking software, a favor from a college roommate with access to a CIA satellite, and a private detective I hired for 1,000 Canadian rupees an hour, I tracked down the phone number of Tanis, aka Redneck Mommy.

I dialed her number.

“Ooooooooooooooooooot,” the phone rang. It was answered with a clatter, almost like someone might have tried to answer it but knocked it to the ground by accident.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes,” she answered breathlessly. I heard squeaking in the background.

“Hi, is this Tanis? This is Avitable. Are you bouncing up and down on your mattress or something?”

“Oh God! God fucking yes! Oh God!”

“Oh, I’m not God. I know some people think I am, but I’m just a humble blogger, like you. So, how’s it going?”

“Uhhh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-hmmmm.” The rhythmic squeaking made it a bit hard to hear her.

“Well, it’s not a trick question. I’m doing pretty well, but I’m having trouble writing a blog post. I figured that between the both of us we should be able to come up with a good idea.”

“Right there! Harder! Softer! Slower! Faster! Ooh, don’t move!”

“I’m not going anywhere. You want me to write faster? Anyways, I was thinking that I could just write about our conversation, and maybe people might find it funny.”

“That’s it! That’s it! That’s it! Yes! Yes! YES!” Squeak-squeak-squeak echoed in the background.

“Okay, great! I love your enthusiasm! Well, what should we talk about?”

“Give me your cock. Give me your cock! Give me your fucking cock!” I heard the sound of skin slapping on top of the incessant squeaking.

“That’s a good idea – it would be funny to talk about us having some type of online affair. Then we could pretend that we emailed naked photos to each other and I could post something hideous.”

“I’m coming! Oh God, I’m coming! Yes! YES! YES!” The squeaking reached a crescendo.

“Well, I don’t know if you need to come to Florida for this guest post to work. And I already told you, I’m just Avitable. The Holy thing is just a title. I’m not really God.”

“Eeeeeeeggggggffffffffffnnnnnn…….” She trailed off and made a sound like an inflated mattress losing air.

“I’m okay with onomatopoeia too, if you want to try that, but we should come up with a cohesive plan, first, don’t you think?”


“Hello? Hello?”

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52 Replies to “Method 4,982 to break blogger block”

  1. Redneck Mommy

    You do realize payback is going to be a bitch right?


    I’m torn between wanting to kill you and wanting to see you in that pink dress again.

    Just know you have tossed the white glove down. It is ON.

    Only, it’ll have to wait till my husband is out of town, cuz I may be a tad er, busy until then.


  2. Avitable

    Mik, I’ll probably get the bill later.

    Colleen, it’s all true, though!

    Fadkog, no, but I’ll call you and breathe heavily into the phone.

    Karen, here in the US, we call it CANADIA now.

    Kelley, my blog should never be read when the kids are around!

    Loralee, she wasn’t cheating with me, I swear. I just listened to the conversation!

    Redneck Mommy, what? Isn’t that how you remember the conversation?

    Robin, I’d rather drink hot chocolate and snuggle in front of the TV when it’s cold.

    BlondeBlogger, well, my CIA contacts helped too.

    Britt, Canadia’s a third-world country, didn’t you know?

    Turnbaby, I only tell the truth, too.

    SciFi Dad, cordless phones are a thing of the future to the Great White North, aren’t they?

    Bubblewench, I was trying to have a serious discussion!

    Jozet, you must have gotten the frequent caller discount. My bill was over $60!

  3. Avitable

    Maria, coincidentally, that’s what I was doing!

    PotU, it has a better rhythm to it.

    NYCWD, good thinking.

    Hello, did you notice that I wrote dirty talk there?

    Amanda, you are insane!

    Kris, damn exchange rate.

    Shelli, does your phone ring “ooooooot”? I thought that only happened in Canadia.

    Faiqa, I’m sure there are variances. Would you like me to listen in sometime and take notes?

    Sybil, I’m sure she charges even more for that!

    BE Earl, luckily, she escaped with her life.

    Kiefer, no you didn’t.

  4. Avitable

    Shelli, it’s possible, eh?

    Hello, Britt said I did it wrong anyways.

    Robin, I’m sure!

    Fidget, might have been. I didn’t get to hear her tell him to fuck off to the bathroom.

    Muskrat, I think it’s a typical night in the Redneck Mommy house.

    Rachel, I don’t know why she needs payback – I thought I portrayed her well!

    Hilly, by cat do you mean your sweet, sweet pussy?

  5. Avitable

    Karen, I don’t know – do you give good phone?

    Twinkie, you have a beard?

    Crystal, I can teach you about that part after Flemings.

    Backpacking Dad, I’m just glad I didn’t include the drawing I did!

    Heather, you need as many brains as you can get – don’t lose them!

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