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I hurt my back

First of all, let me make sure that I clarify yesterday’s post. Yes, I spoke with Redneck Mommy on the phone. No, she did not have sex on the phone with me. No, I don’t know what she sounds like when she’s having sex. Yes, that entire conversation was completely fabricated. We actually had a great conversation for an hour or two and talked about everything under the sun except sex! We discussed blogging and her kids and living in Canadia and my constant need to expose my nuts.

Speaking of which, head on over to Sheila’s blog to read about her missing shoes and how I helped her find them.

Finally, I hurt my back tonight. I was sitting in my throne room, on my throne, reading the newest Spenser book, when I sneezed at the exact same time I pooped. I don’t think a person’s body is meant to do that, and now it hurts to walk, to sit, to stand, to do anything. And here I always thought I’d hurt my back trying to suck my own dick.

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43 Replies to “I hurt my back”

  1. Cris

    OK OK OK so we know you can’t run around the world counter-clockwise really really fast and turn back time to avoind the injury… I mean THAT’S just silly! BUT what if you tried to recreate the accident by reinsurting the poop (or a poop subsitute) while reverse sneezing or ….gasping?

    THAT treatment therepy seems WAY more reasonable than the exercize and stretching regiment MY doctor has been pushing off on me since I hurt my back last May. I mean… what man has done can be undone… right? Am I right? I am right, aren’t I?

  2. B.E. Earl

    I’ve hurt myself while pooping and sneezing at the same time, but it was more of a ribcage injury than a back injury.

    They say you shouldn’t keep your eyes open when you poop either. Or is it when you sneeze?

    See how confusing things can get?

  3. Shelli

    What are you going to tell the doctor when you have to go in because you can no longer walk? What do you think he will say, after he stops laughing, if you tell him that you pooped and sneezed at the same time and that’s how you threw your back out? Will you please bring your camcorder and record it all for us to see?

  4. Poppy

    Just a pulled muscle, old man. You’ll be fine. Ice it if it keeps hurting. Or take a hot, hot shower. Or put Icy Hot on it. Which, ha, is what my post is about.

    Can I go back to sleep now? Yes, I can.

  5. Brandon

    I’ve also injured myself sneezing and pooping, but like BE Earl, I hurt my ribcage, not my back.

    I one time left work early because my back was killing me. I got home and took a dump and immediately my back felt better. To this day, my co-worker/friend refers to having to shit as “my back hurts”.

  6. Zom

    I need to NOT read so fast in the future. I read that one line as … “head on over to Sheila’s blog to read about her missing TOES”.

    … And try not to sneeze while pooping anymore. because if you prolapse your rectum, it’s just like having a big shitty tail that you can’t wag when you’re happy.

  7. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    Well, I guess since you have video documented proof that you rub Britt’s feet, the least she can do is rub that one out for you – I mean, out of your back.

    I do believe that you’ll have to talk to your Real Life Wife if you need help wiping though.

    I hope you are feeling better soon – otherwise you won’t be able to finish breaking down everything from the party….and that will lead to a very unhappy Amy.

  8. tina L

    This is only the third time I have visited your blog you really need to have an advisory that reads”please do not eat while reading this blog you may choke to death”I almost did really.It is so not cool to have food in your mouth while you are laughing a chunk could go down your windpipe….I’m just saying it almost happened.

  9. Avitable

    Sybil, all I did was sneeze and poop!

    Angie, especially your kids.

    Dave2, it’s definitely shittier.

    Amanda, shh, don’t tell anyone.

    Tracy, I should tell you about what I found in my ear the other night.

    Cris, is there such a thing as reverse sneezing?

    Crystal, I’d never leave the room!

    BE Earl, I think it was also the way I was carrying my book.

    Shelli, I’m sure the doctor has heard it all before.

    Breigh, it was indeed too much.

    Poppy, I’m not old – you’re old!

    SwanShadow, it’s the newest one and really good.

    Brandon, you must have been severely blocked up.

    NYCWD, oh, I would have totally taken pictures of that.

    Blondefabulous, me too!

    Metalmom, I might need needles, maybe!

    Hallie, I wasn’t watching the poop exit.

    Britt, only 6.

    Greg T, very crappy.

    Ginger, you’d think, but my ass feels great.

    Grant, how’d you know?

    Zom, missing toes would have made for a funnier story.

    Clown, you just want to sell the video rights.

    Kris, oh, that hurts too now.

    Dawn, they both said that?

    Sheila, I was blackmailed into making that video!

    Tina L, my blog can have that effect on people, yes.

    Kaila, pretzels at 11 AM?

    Evil Genius, I think other people are just too embarrassed to share what happens to them.

    Jay, from now on, I’ll wear full protective gear in there.

    Elizabeth, suuuure, laugh at my pain!

    Faiqa, don’t I already kiss your ass enough?

    RW, thanks for sharing!

    Mrs. Kitty, me too! Thanks.

    Heather, that’s what you get for having kids!

  10. cris

    well… yeah that’s why I said “or gasp.” Which was as close as I could think to a reverse sneeze. I am glad you are taking my rehabilitation advice seriously. Did you save the sneeze-poop or will you have to use a substitute?

    If you need help, remind Britt you watch her kids all the time so she and her husband can get their freak on in some seedy motel down the road.

  11. Avitable

    Dawn, oh yeah! I had forgotten about that!

    Cris, I’m taking notes from your advice as we speak.

    Shash, I don’t know if that’s talent or just bad luck.

    Michelle, pooping is special and exhilarating? I don’t think that word means what you think it does.

    Colleen, maybe a better story, but not nearly as much fun.

    Stephanie, why? You wouldn’t want ball-laden shoes back?

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