First of all, let me make sure that I clarify yesterday’s post. Yes, I spoke with Redneck Mommy on the phone. No, she did not have sex on the phone with me. No, I don’t know what she sounds like when she’s having sex. Yes, that entire conversation was completely fabricated. We actually had a great conversation for an hour or two and talked about everything under the sun except sex! We discussed blogging and her kids and living in Canadia and my constant need to expose my nuts.
Speaking of which, head on over to Sheila’s blog to read about her missing shoes and how I helped her find them.
Finally, I hurt my back tonight. I was sitting in my throne room, on my throne, reading the newest Spenser book
Questions to ponder
Twitter: Who should you follow?
:lmao:
You crazy mofo!!
:lmao:
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Twitter: alotofnothing
says:
Note to self: Never leave ANYthing unattended at Casa la Avitable.
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
I wonder if poop-sneezing is any more lethal that orgasm-sneezing?
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Twitter: Amanda234
says:
wow dude that’s a really embarrassing way to hurt yourself
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Twitter: tlkaply
says:
It would be embarrassing for a normal person. It’s just more blog fodder to Avitable, about whose personal habits I know FAR TOO MUCH. :banghead:
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OK OK OK so we know you can’t run around the world counter-clockwise really really fast and turn back time to avoind the injury… I mean THAT’S just silly! BUT what if you tried to recreate the accident by reinsurting the poop (or a poop subsitute) while reverse sneezing or ….gasping?
THAT treatment therepy seems WAY more reasonable than the exercize and stretching regiment MY doctor has been pushing off on me since I hurt my back last May. I mean… what man has done can be undone… right? Am I right? I am right, aren’t I?
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you can save hurting your back while sucking your own dick for next week.
and please take pictures.
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Twitter: VerdantDude
says:
I’ve hurt myself while pooping and sneezing at the same time, but it was more of a ribcage injury than a back injury.
They say you shouldn’t keep your eyes open when you poop either. Or is it when you sneeze?
See how confusing things can get?
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Twitter: shellimil
says:
What are you going to tell the doctor when you have to go in because you can no longer walk? What do you think he will say, after he stops laughing, if you tell him that you pooped and sneezed at the same time and that’s how you threw your back out? Will you please bring your camcorder and record it all for us to see?
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Ok I’m sooo sorry you hurt your back, I know that’s no fun at all… but I’m busting a gut over here laughing. The whole pooping / sneezing imagine is too much. TOO MUCH!
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Twitter: poppycede
says:
Just a pulled muscle, old man. You’ll be fine. Ice it if it keeps hurting. Or take a hot, hot shower. Or put Icy Hot on it. Which, ha, is what my post is about.
Can I go back to sleep now? Yes, I can.
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Twitter: SwanShadow
says:
It sucks that you hurt your back, but at least you have a Spenser book to read. I loves me some Robert B. Parker.
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I’ve also injured myself sneezing and pooping, but like BE Earl, I hurt my ribcage, not my back.
I one time left work early because my back was killing me. I got home and took a dump and immediately my back felt better. To this day, my co-worker/friend refers to having to shit as “my back hurts”.
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
At least it’s your back and not a deviated rectum.
Imagine trying to explain THAT in a blog post.
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Twitter: blondefabulous
says:
Is that anything like the guy who died when he sneezed while bending over to bait a fishing hook? He threw his back out doing that, fell out of the boat, and drown. Glad you didn’t fall in! :lmao: :shit: :lmao:
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LOL @ NYCWD!!!
When you need needles in the back to stop the pain, call me. We can commiserate. Otherwise,suck it up old man!
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Does sneezing at that exact moment give the poop amazing velocity? It would seem that the thrusting from the sneeze action would send the poop out with rocket force!
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
If the only thing I knew about you was your blog, I’d assume you spend like 12 hours a day pooping.
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:shit: That was a shitty way of hurting your back…
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Twitter: GingerSnaps
says:
I was thinking what Hallie said…and what a helluva hemorrhoid you must have now.
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Admit it – you were fantasizing about Tanis while having sex with me. Or did I dream that?
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I need to NOT read so fast in the future. I read that one line as … “head on over to Sheila’s blog to read about her missing TOES”.
… And try not to sneeze while pooping anymore. because if you prolapse your rectum, it’s just like having a big shitty tail that you can’t wag when you’re happy.
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So now that you brought up sucking your own dick does that mean I don’t have to keep quiet about it anymore?
It’s easily one of the funnier things that you do.
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My dad used to say, “You could hurt yourself wiping your own ass.” But dude, you didn’t even get THAT far!
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“Oooh, I hate when that happens.”
- Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest
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Twitter: s_csr
says:
Well, I guess since you have video documented proof that you rub Britt’s feet, the least she can do is rub that one out for you – I mean, out of your back.
I do believe that you’ll have to talk to your Real Life Wife if you need help wiping though.
I hope you are feeling better soon – otherwise you won’t be able to finish breaking down everything from the party….and that will lead to a very unhappy Amy.
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This is only the third time I have visited your blog you really need to have an advisory that reads”please do not eat while reading this blog you may choke to death”I almost did really.It is so not cool to have food in your mouth while you are laughing a chunk could go down your windpipe….I’m just saying it almost happened.
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I second what Tina L just said, it took me 10 minutes to clean the half-chewed pretzel bits off my monitor and key board.
Thanks Dude.
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*shaking head*
Only you, Avi…only you.
(feel better soon!)
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Twitter: Jayman3768
says:
You should be more careful. Most accidents occur in the bathroom. It’s a dangerous place.
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
I don’t even know what to say, because all I can do is laugh.
Hope your back feels better.
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Twitter: Faiqa
says:
I have muscle relaxers which I’d be willing to sell for sycophantic proclamations of my awesomeness.
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I cough-farted the other day. Just fyi.
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Dude… I threw out my neck yesterday from lifting the easy to move garage door. Apparently the human body wasn’t meant to do that either.
I sincerely hope you get better soon.
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
HA! I’ve never done the whole sneeze/poop/throw out the back thing. I’m more of a sneeze/pee/change my undies thing. So, I can sort of relate, but not really.
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Sybil, all I did was sneeze and poop!
Angie, especially your kids.
Dave2, it’s definitely shittier.
Amanda, shh, don’t tell anyone.
Tracy, I should tell you about what I found in my ear the other night.
Cris, is there such a thing as reverse sneezing?
Crystal, I’d never leave the room!
BE Earl, I think it was also the way I was carrying my book.
Shelli, I’m sure the doctor has heard it all before.
Breigh, it was indeed too much.
Poppy, I’m not old – you’re old!
SwanShadow, it’s the newest one and really good.
Brandon, you must have been severely blocked up.
NYCWD, oh, I would have totally taken pictures of that.
Blondefabulous, me too!
Metalmom, I might need needles, maybe!
Hallie, I wasn’t watching the poop exit.
Britt, only 6.
Greg T, very crappy.
Ginger, you’d think, but my ass feels great.
Grant, how’d you know?
Zom, missing toes would have made for a funnier story.
Clown, you just want to sell the video rights.
Kris, oh, that hurts too now.
Dawn, they both said that?
Sheila, I was blackmailed into making that video!
Tina L, my blog can have that effect on people, yes.
Kaila, pretzels at 11 AM?
Evil Genius, I think other people are just too embarrassed to share what happens to them.
Jay, from now on, I’ll wear full protective gear in there.
Elizabeth, suuuure, laugh at my pain!
Faiqa, don’t I already kiss your ass enough?
RW, thanks for sharing!
Mrs. Kitty, me too! Thanks.
Heather, that’s what you get for having kids!
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Didn’t they both say it in that old SNL skit, where they were security guards or something, complaining about some far-fetched painful thing that happened?
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well… yeah that’s why I said “or gasp.” Which was as close as I could think to a reverse sneeze. I am glad you are taking my rehabilitation advice seriously. Did you save the sneeze-poop or will you have to use a substitute?
If you need help, remind Britt you watch her kids all the time so she and her husband can get their freak on in some seedy motel down the road.
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Wow, I had NO IDEA you were that talented!!!
Feel better soon!!!
Shash
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I have no words..
To me, pooping and sneezing are both so special and exhilarating why would you ruin the moment with a pulled back!!! Doesn’t make any sense to me dude!!!
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Twitter: mommy_wins
says:
Ha ha ha – I think the sneezing while you shit is a much better story than sucking your own dude.
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Oh my. Will this make you poop-shy?
LMAO @Dawg.
P.S. If I were Sheila I would let you keep the shoes. Srsly.
Or sell them on eBay. Whichever.
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Dawn, oh yeah! I had forgotten about that!
Cris, I’m taking notes from your advice as we speak.
Shash, I don’t know if that’s talent or just bad luck.
Michelle, pooping is special and exhilarating? I don’t think that word means what you think it does.
Colleen, maybe a better story, but not nearly as much fun.
Stephanie, why? You wouldn’t want ball-laden shoes back?
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