I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Deal Breakers

Craig over at Puntabulous wrote an interesting post about his dating deal breakers, and I thought I’d steal his idea continue the conversation about it over here.

Now, I haven’t had to do any dating for over 10 years, but if Amy came home tonight and told me that she accidentally ran into Sean Connery and they were running away to Scotland to get married, I would spend about six months rocking back and forth on the floor in the fetal position, and then eventually I’d probably try to date again. You know, twenty or thirty years later.

Anyways, if I were to date, what characteristics of the person or the personal ad would be automatic deal breakers?

Does your ad have any misspellings or poor grammar usage?
It’s like an error on a resume. If you aren’t even going to put enough effort into your ad to make sure that it’s error-free, you’re either lazy or stupid, and I have no interest in either. Likewise, if your ad contains any abbreviations like “u” for “you”, “wut” for “what”, or you include “lol” or “omg” anywhere in your ad, you’re a fucking retard.

Do you have a college degree?
I have plenty of friends without college degrees who are successful people, but if I was going to date someone, they’d have to have a Bachelor’s at the minimum. Graduate education would be ideal, although a MA or MBA really is a worthless degree. An MD, JD, or PhD would be even better.

How many tattoos do you have?
One that’s discreetly placed is no big deal. Two is starting to push it. More than two and I slowly lose interest. I’m not sure why, but I just have a problem with tats.

How many kids do you have?
One that’s between 3-10 would be okay, although if they’re a spoiled little shithead, I think I’ll pass. More than one, and I just don’t think I’d get the attention I deserve. Plus, I generally don’t like kids, so that just increases the chances that I’ll hate yours.

Do you watch television?
If you’re one of those people who tries to tell me that television has no value, I’m not interested. Just like any other media, there are good parts and bad parts to television. It’s like reading a well-crafted novel vs. a Harlequin Romance. If you like the good parts of television – the smart shows, the well-written shows, the clever shows, and recognize the bad parts – the reality television, the stupid game shows, the cliched sitcoms and dramas – then I might be interested. Tell me you love American Idol, though, and it’s over. A corollary to this one is whether or not you like to go to the movies. If you don’t, I’m definitely not interested.

Do you have a driver’s license?
I wouldn’t have even thought about this until Craig brought it up, but it’s true. A lack of a driver’s license means someone who would be dependent on me to drive them around, and I have no interest in that. Besides, in today’s society, it’s kind of weird not to have a driver’s license at all.

Do you have a sense of humor?
No sense of humor, no sense of sarcasm, no sense of irony – those are immediate deal breakers. I don’t know anyone who would consider those to be winning characteristics, though.

Can you support yourself?
Would you have to put off a date because you can’t quite afford gas in your car until payday? Would tickets to a comedy show be something you’d have to think about before agreeing because of the cost? Sorry, but I need someone who is financially stable and able to pay their bills without having to count the pennies in the couch.

Do you drink alcohol?
Drinking alcohol is a must. I don’t trust people who don’t drink. That might sound a bit hypocritical, since I don’t drink, but generally speaking, that’s a good rule to live by.

Is your favorite book the Bible or your hero Jesus?
If yes, you’ve just demonstrated that you have no real education, no exposure to the real world, no real life experience, and you are as naive and stupid as they come.

Do you have bad breath?
If I met someone for the first time, and she had bad breath, I’d turn around and leave. Get some fucking lessons in proper hygiene.

Are you ugly?
Is this shallow? Yes. I can’t help it. I’d be okay with someone who’s heavy or thin or tall or short or blonde or redheaded or brunette or with glasses or with limbs missing, but if you’re hideous looking, I can’t progress any further.

Are you computer illiterate?
Being able to use email, checking it more frequently than once a month, understanding how the internet works, and having a comprehension of how stupid chain emails are – these are all essential characteristics.

Do you have really long fingernails?
If you can’t dial a phone properly because your nails are too long, piss off.

Do you smell like smoke?
I don’t mind smokers, but if your hair and clothes constantly smell like smoke and if you smoke in your home, I’ll probably vomit. And I hate vomiting more than anything in the world.

Do you like animals?
Thinking animals are better than kids is a huge plus. But even if you don’t think that, viewing animals as a part of the family is essential. If you’re just not an animal person, you’re not an Avitable person either.

Do you enjoy going out to dinner?
Going out to a restaurant for a nice meal and seeing it as a fun experience is very important to me. If you see it as an obligation or would rather go out to McDonald’s instead of a nice sit-down restaurant, we are not going to have any fun.

Do you have enormous boobs?
I like smallish breasts and couldn’t date someone with huge knockers.

I think that might be my whole list, although I’m sure I’ll come up with a few more later. This leads me to two conclusions:

1. If I am ever single, I’m totally and royally fucked.
2. I bet most of you wish you had read this before picking my negative traits on the Nohari window yesterday. Nothing shows off your negative traits like being a Judgy McJudgerson about your ideal partner!

So, what are/what would be your dating deal breakers?

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85 Replies to “Deal Breakers”

  1. Robin

    So you’re saying that the degree I spent so much money on is worthless, eh? Gee, thanks. Thank god you won’t have to date, because on behalf of all the minted MBA’s out there, we’re officially offended.

    JD’s lately are worthless too, you know. Out of every ambulance climbs a newly minted lawyer who passed the bar by 5 points… :::wink:::

  2. B.E. Earl

    Couldn’t date someone with huge knockers? Really?

    I mean its fine to have a preference and all. I like ’em big. But to strike someone off the potential date list just because her boobs were too small or too large is something I don’t think I could do.

    And your answer on alcohol was really interesting. And probably pretty unique.

  3. Melissa

    I found Miss Britt today, which of course means I found you … great post πŸ™‚ And we could never date on account of my 3 tattoos … but all are hidden and one is very small, if that counts for anything. πŸ˜‰

  4. Sarah

    I could never date someone who doesn’t have a college degree. If I’m working this hard for mine I’m not dating some slacker who can’t get his lazy bum to college.

    Oh and he has to love my dog.

  5. Claire

    uhg I would neverdate one of those people who feels like EVERY second needs to be filled with dialogue or singing or noise or whatever.

    totally nailed the sarcasm one. that is CRITICAL.

  6. Chris

    And here I thought the only thing standing between us was the hairy maleness of our junk. Unfortunately for me I’m also hideously ugly with 7 kids and my hero is Jeebus. The only book I read is the bible and I didn’t graduate from highschool.

    Oh well, at least I’ve got the sarcasm thing down…

  7. Breigh (Canadutch)

    hahaaaaaaahaha we are SO not a match.
    I say OMG
    I don’t have a drivers license (BUT that’s because I live in a country where it costs HUNDREDS of euros to get one and we have great public transit. Europeans should be exempt from that question! I do have a Canadian one, but it expired. Oops)
    I don’t have a degree.
    I have 2 tattoos (ankle/wrist) and visable piercings.

    There goes our future together!

  8. borysSNORC β„’

    I’m crushed… as the sad realization dawns on me that I’d never be dateable in Avitable’s eyes.
    I have long fingernails that make dialing the phone tricksy (but can still type at least 70-80wpm), I have three discreet tattoos and.. worst of all largish breasts!
    Sniff… sniff… think I’ll just go and cry into my 38DD cups now πŸ™
    Robyn

  9. Avitable

    Robin, oh, c’mon, admit it. An MBA mainly teaches you common business sense, and they give them out like candy. πŸ™‚ Do you still love me?

    Amanda, I’ve seen your pictures. Your breasts look manageable.

    BE Earl, yeah, that really would be a deal breaker – I can’t quite explain it.

    Melissa, that does count – I could probably handle those types of tats.

    Cris, well, if you stopped eating shit and started brushing your teeth more . . .

    Sarah, that sounds perfectly reasonable.

    Clare, that’s true, too. Having silence sometimes is a good thing.

    Chris, you’ve got a good ass, though, so I’ll think about it.

    Breigh, there’s definitely an exception for Europe and Canada, where it’s harder to get a license. And I don’t mind people who say OMG – it’s just if you say that in a personal ad, that’s retarded.

    Been There Done That, define humongous.

    Poppy, I enjoy being judgy. It’s fun!

    BorysSNORC, 38DD is “largish”?

    Britt, when I wrote them, I purposely tried to come up with characteristics that were independent of her, too.

    Blondefabulous, it seems that a lot of my readers have huge boobs. Well, except for Britt.

  10. Sue

    I agree with everything but the college degree. I know many people who bypassed the box and because extremely successful without a degree, and one without even a diploma. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker for me because the choices you make are far more important than the education you received. College cannot teach common sense.

    I also agree with the animals. My pets are my family and I treat them that way.

  11. Karen

    Well, I fail on the animal lover part. I don’t get those people who think their dogs are their children. I recently insulted my friend who spent several thousand on surgery for her dog. I just don’t get it.

  12. danceordie

    “Does your ad have any misspellings or poor grammar usage?”

    “How many kids do you have?
    [One] that’s between 3-10 would be okay, although if [they’re] a spoiled little shithead…”

    “… although [a MA] or MBA really is a worthless degree.”

    Hmmmm…

  13. Turnbaby

    Considering that the current President has a ‘college degree’ I’m certain it is not a method of determining intelligence. My favorite anecdote about this is a female friend who is quite well known here who loudly proclaimed that she was so tired of talking to ‘idiots’ that she “just wasn’t going to have a conversation with anyone who didn’t have a college degree anymore”. A few weeks later her husband–who is also quite well known here–had to publicly come clean about the fact that he had never actually graduated from college.

    It’s also nice to know the power of the boobies protects me πŸ˜‰ :boobs3: :boobs2: :boobs4: :sexytime:

  14. Em

    How funny… I was just about to write a post about one of my “rules” about dating that is probably a little stubborn and unnecessary. Anyway, your wife is obviously perfect for you, so hopefully she’ll stick around. πŸ™‚

  15. Avitable

    Sue, oh, I do, too, but they still didn’t have the college experience, which makes a huge difference to me.

    LeSombre, rawr.

    Karen, have you ever had a pet?

    Kiefer and Emo, I guess having a penis is probably a big deal breaker, too.

    Danceordie, good thing this wasn’t a personal ad or a resume, eh? Also, in informal speech, it’s acceptable to use a plural instead of saying “one” or “he/she”. And I was clearly referring to a master’s of any kind being a useless degree, but gave specific examples, still falling under the singular of a master’s degree.

    Faiqa, oh, I bet your list is twice as long.

    Turnbaby, it’s not about determining intelligence, and that’s why I also would require an advanced degree except in special circumstances. It’s the whole college experience – smart people that I know who didn’t go or barely went to college just don’t get that part of my life.

    Em, do you think any of my rules are a “little” stubborn? Heh.

  16. Little Miss Sunshine State

    Since I haven’t dated since the Nixon Administration, I’ll tell you one of my 23 year old son’s dealbreakers.

    If you take a girl out to a club and she drinks so much she gets into a fistfight with some guy who accidently brushed her butt while passing through the crowd. End of relationship.

    His recent experience with a girl he really likes (not an official girlfriend). She drank so much she locked herself in the bathroom and passed out. They had to break down the bathroom door and make a serious decision about whether to call 911.

    Why are these 20-something girls drinking so much?

  17. blueppaintred

    I thought there was hope for us, even after the tattoo part, because I only have two tattoos (for now) but then you had to go and type this :

    Do you drink alcohol?
    Drinking alcohol is a must. I don’t trust people who don’t drink. That might sound a bit hypocritical, since I don’t drink, but generally speaking, that’s a good rule to live by.

    I do not drink. At.All.
    Doesn’t matter to me if you don’t trust it.

    When you watch someone so drunk that they miss chemo becuase they were unable to put the bottle down the night before, and becuase of such actions, die within six months, leaving three kids without a mother, you wouldn’t want to drink either.

    I still think we would have made a cute couple. After you waxed your back.

  18. SJ

    My husband didn’t even graduate from high school, but he’s the smartest, sexiest man I know. On the other hand, I know people who do have college degrees and are total dumbasses.

  19. Avitable

    LMSS, did you drink/smoke that much during the Nixon administration?

    BPR, you have too many brats kids, so it wouldn’t have worked out anyways.

    SJ, it’s a good thing that you married him and I didn’t, then! Seriously, though, it has very little to do with intelligence and more to do with the experience.

  20. Grant

    I’m desperate to the point that I can’t afford to have many deal breakers, but I can’t stand needy people or ignorant xtians and she has to be at least attractive enough so that I can stand to have sex with her while looking her in the face. Asian is a plus.

  21. Finn

    So — because I don’t have an advanced degree (because really, why do I need an MFA?) and my child is nearly 10 (they have a nasty habit of getting older) means you and I can never be? Guess I won’t be putting in that call to Uncle Sean Connery.

    Dealbreakers for me? Socially conservative, ignorant, smelly, emotionally closed off, unable to have a conversation, low self-esteem. These, of course, are long-term. If it’s just a few hot dates I’d prefer you to be really hot and really stupid.

  22. Sheila (Charm School Reject)

    We were either made to live happily ever after together or we should just not be friends at all.

    I haven’t had to worry about deal breakers in almost six years. Actually, other than my husband, I’ve only had one “real” boyfriend.

    I typed out all of my deal breakers but they make me seem even more shallow than most people already perceive me to be.

  23. Avitable

    Grant, you can’t stand needy people but you’ve got yellow fever? A barely English speaking Asian girl is going to be a bit needy, don’t you think?

    Finn, it’s just my personal quirks! And I know this is weird, but I wouldn’t want someone for just a few hot dates, either.

    Sheila, you can’t say that and then not tell me your list of deal breakers! C’mon!

  24. hello haha narf

    then why do you keep asking for pictures of my breasts!?!??! ha, just kidding.

    so i guess i don’t have to poison amy’s wine seeing as how we could never be together. obviously the big boob thing would stop us. as would the fact that i don’t have a college degree, have never even signed up for a semester. plus we all know i am a computer idiot. an idiot addicted to email and blogging, but a computer moron nonetheless.

    sigh. i’ll still love you from afar and dream about our terrible sex together.

  25. Sybil Law

    Hmmm – I’m not sure if we could date or not. I TRIED college – I just hated it. Of course now I know what I should’ve gone for, so I might go back. But I definitely experienced it…
    Also, I’m not sure if my boobs are huge or not – some people think they are (for my size) but I don’t think they are. I have no tats, I can drink like a champ (though I don’t unless I’m social), I love animals, I hate bad grammar, I have a kid who is cool as hell, I do heart Jesus, though… Overall, Jesus should probably be a role model to most of us…
    But my dating deal breakers are pretty extensive, too. Most of them mirror yours. I might have to post my own.
    I hate that I can’t see all of my comment when I post from my feed reader!

  26. Hilly

    So let’s just make this about me….I’m crushed. There is no way in hell you would ever date me. Woe. Is. Me.

    πŸ˜‰

    Seriously, I feel so…lame with my big ginormous boobs and my Bachelor’s Degree only education. I don’t even think my love for booze, tv and not being ugly can save me!

    *snort*

  27. Avitable

    Becky, on the plus side, you’re a redhead. That may outweigh everything else.

    Robin, damn breastesses.

    Sybil, it’s okay for people to use Jesus as a role model, but as their only hero? No.

    Hilly, you do have an inordinate love for TV, though. Hmm…..

    Clown, hi Clown!

    Finn, I know plenty of people who would. Skeeves me out, though.

    Deb, those same fingernails would totally hurt my asshole, too.

    Dagny, but were the replies well written?

  28. JJ

    “Do you drink alcohol?”
    “Is your favorite book the Bible or your hero Jesus?”
    “Are you ugly?”

    These three are key. And I entirely agree with your explanations. I realize there are all kinds of people in this world. Political beliefs, skin colors, fashion sense. Whatever. But I absolutely can’t trust an ugly Jesus freak who doesn’t drink.

    :sexytime:

  29. Ginger

    We are compatible in many areas, Avi, except for the big boobs, and I am an American Idol follower. (Come on…everybody needs a guilty pleasure…that’s mine!)

    I don’t mind a “lol” every once in awhile, but poor grammar definitely shows the person is either uneducated or lazy. (Of course, this is barring the occasional typo that we all are guilty of.) I would like for my man to have a college degree, but it isn’t a deal breaker. However, a good job is. There has to be some evidence of ambition there.

    Sense of humor is a MUST. Alcohol consumption, views on religion…all a matter of moderation.

    For me, everything else is about mutual attraction.

  30. twinkie

    Like many others, I would never make the cut for a longterm and meaningful relationship.

    However.. I think I’d make a great one night stand.

    Where’s the cut list for that?

    (ps AMY I am sooo kidding please don’t kill me)

  31. Jay

    I once put up a personal ad where I said “No Kids” and I got 10 responses from women telling me how horrible I was for doing that. I responded to each of them and asked if they would all prefer that I had lied and told them kids were okay, just to have a chance with them. Morons.

    The reason I’m 40 and single is probably because I’m entirely too picky.

    And I don’t think my college experience was as great as yours, so a degree doesn’t mean as much to me.

  32. Avitable

    Lori, why “pretty sure”?

    Giggle Pixie, that totally counts, unless you have a shitload of kids.

    JJ, ugly teetotaling Jesus freaks are a blight on society.

    Ginger, but American Idol is sooooo bad!

    Twinkie, hmm, tell me more about yourself.

    Honeybell, I wouldn’t mind an amputee.

    Jay, it’s not that it was great – it’s just that people who go away to college and even graduate school have a different life experience in their twenties than someone who doesn’t.

    Atomic Bombshell, you don’t meet all of my criteria?

    Mrs. Kitty, totally.

    Hilly, can’t wait to see it.

  33. twinkie

    Well, let’s see. I love sex. I have a sleeve of tattoos of midget clowns on my right arm. I have no college edumication. Can’t spell worth a shit..

    Ok honestly..

    I’m sooo there with you on my criteria. I’ve dated ugly men with no college degrees and big boobs who couldn’t spell worth a shit and didn’t drink and they are WAY worse the good looking ones.

    So definitely, your list is very “key” in finding the right partner.

  34. Amanda

    I am surprised you require a degree…what if they didnt have a degree yet had a really good job making lots of money?

    I would add any guy that wears hawaiian shirts. A weird laugh. I cant stand weird laughs. acne…i suppose that would fall under the appearance category.

  35. Stephanie

    “Is your favorite book the Bible or your hero Jesus?
    If yes, you’ve just demonstrated that you have no real education, no exposure to the real world, no real life experience, and you are as naive and stupid as they come.”

    Wow. I’m stupid.

  36. Avitable

    Twinkie, midget clowns, eh? That’s hot.

    Amanda, doesn’t matter. It’s not the money that I’m interested in. I prefer a college degree.

    Stephanie, your favorite book is the Bible? It’s one of the worst-written books in the history of books. I highly doubt that your literary education is to absolutely limited that you see the Bible as your favorite book. Seeing it as inspiration – sure, that makes sense. But your favorite book?

  37. becky

    I just had a few deal breakers of my own pop into my head, and I am a selfish, selfish bitch. I may have to write them out for my own post.

    But I agree 100% about being able to drive. Why would somebody not have a license? And being taken away isn’t a good thing, either!

  38. Stephanie

    I find Psalms to be my favorite book in the Bible. I like to read it for inspiration. That makes it one of my favorite books.

    But since we are both happily married, we don’t have to worry about this whole conversation making any difference at all, right? Since I have big tits, watch TV, and didn’t get a college degree. :thumbsup:

    I just took a bit of offense to the “stupid” comment. But that is most likely attributed to my mood/condition right now. I am on the verge of a precipice, and little things set me off, either way. After all, this is your list and your perception as to what you require/want in your life.

    No worries. Just send liquor. (Hey wait, I do drink!) :woohoo:

  39. diesel

    The only problem with big boobs is that they don’t age well.

    Speaking of bad grammar being a deal-breaker, I just got an email about a literary magazine being started at Google. It had 8 obvious punctuation/grammar errors in it. :banghead:

  40. Craig

    Watching television is a good one. That should be on my list too. I can’t imagine dating someone who doesn’t watch television. Or one of those holier than thou people who say I watch too much. Oh, and people who can’t sit through a movie. Or talk through them.

  41. Stephanie

    “I am on the verge of a precipice”

    And I’m apparently under medicated. I have no idea what the hell I was trying to type. I was typing too fast, and not proofing my own words. I think I was trying to say I am on the verge of falling off a precipice.

    Apparently I should have a drink. Or eleven.

  42. Redneck Mommy

    The good news is I have small boobs, my liver is sorely abused from my alcohol intake and I have multiple degrees.

    The bad news is I’m a breeder with a 12 year old and 11 year old. Not to mention an invisible four year old boy.

    Worse yet, I’ve got tats. And body jewelery.

    I guess we just weren’t meant to be Adam.

    Dammit.

  43. whall

    You’re such a racist! Don’t you know that illegal immigrants don’t have drivers licenses (usually), rarely have higher level degrees, and frequently use all kinds of shorthand lingo for normal every day words, like “que” for “what” and “qui moe sabbe” which means “I don’t understand a word you said and take that mask off”.

    Man, and here I thought you were open minded.

  44. Avitable

    Becky, being selfish is a good thing sometimes.

    Turnbaby, good point, but no degree is a definite guarantee of a lack of that point of reference, so that’s why it’s an automatic dealbreaker.

    Stephanie, drinking is always good.

    Michelle, I know you’re disappointed.

    Diesel, maybe that’s part of the test. If you can point those out, Google will hire you.

    Angie, are you a thief because you just stole my heart.

    Janelle, I’m more lenient with my friend. And you need to learn to put your email address without a “www” in front of it.

    Craig, I hate when people talk through movies!

    Muskrat, maybe I should have included that as well.

    Kris, how big is big?

    Stephanie, I knew what you meant.

    Redneck Mommy, please submit full body photographs so that I can assess the nature of these tattoos, and your application will be reconsidered.

    Wayne, I guess I’m a Republican after all!

  45. SJ

    Yep, my hubby definitely missed out on the college experience. He spent those years touring with a rock band as their lighting tech, living the whole sex-drugs-rock&roll wildness. And damn, does he have some great stories to tell! I mean, the ones he can remember.

    I had several “deal breakers” myself back when I was single, but they all went out the window when I fell in love. The heart can be stupid.

  46. Breigh

    Glad that there are exceptions to be made on the drivers license thing. Getting one here is a bitch.

    This was really a post to test my registration thingy. Can’t figure out how I get an avatar.

  47. Jeremy

    OT: So I read through all the posts in my Google Reader today, and then it popped up suggesting that I may like your blog. I read Avitable and was about to pass, having no clue what that meant, but then I got to “Tact is for pussies, and immediately subscribed even before clicking over.

    Anyways…back on topic: I never sat down and wrote a list of 10+ deal breakers (which may very likely explain why I am still single) however I do have a few first date qualifier questions:

    1) Chocolate or Vanilla?
    2) Cats or Dogs?
    3) Do you like the three stooges?
    3.5) Who was your favorite stooge?

    1 is negotiable depending on how hot she is, 2 is non-negotiable under any circumstances, and 3.5 is more important than 3 because it generally lets you know if they’re a liar.

    Love the site, keep up the great work,
    Jeremy

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