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Let’s talk about theme park etiquette

Most people who go to theme parks would talk about all of the fun they had and post pictures they took of each other and the attractions and everybody would laugh and tralala. Not me!

Yesterday I got the chance to go to Disney’s Animal Kingdom for free (thanks Carolina!) so we spent the better half of the day there. And what happened during that trip that struck me the most? Was it seeing the gorillas run around? Photographing the rhino that stood a foot from our car? Theorizing why the gibbons don’t fabricate makeshift boats to escape from their island? Nope.

I was, yet again, struck by the sheer rudeness, cluelessness, and stupidity of most people on Earth. And, as the self-proclaimed King of the Internet, I decided I would create a list of rules for proper theme park etiquette that everyone should follow:

1. Don’t interrupt the flow of traffic

When there are literally throngs of people simultaneously trying to reach their individual destinations, DO NOT abruptly stop in the middle of the path to look at your map, text on your phone, adjust the stroller, take a photo, talk to your spouse, or just pick your nose. I will punch you in the back of your fat fucking square-shaped mushroom of a head. If you need to stop for any reason, just walk to the side and stop there. That will prevent you from affecting and angering the thousand other people who are all trying to use the exact same path.

2. Don’t block the only entrance or exit

Hey, sniveling retard. You might really need to talk to your mom, however, don’t stop in the middle of a doorway that is the only way in or out of a building to have an in-depth conversation. Instead, do you think you could try to make the effort to take TWO GODDAMN STEPS BACKWARDS OR FORWARDS?

3. Use your kid leash wisely

Here’s a hint for you thickheaded idiots out there who might do this. Putting your child on one of those leashes is good – it allows you to maintain control and you don’t really have to be a good parent because you know your kid isn’t going anywhere. Good for you. However, sitting at a bench on one side of a path and letting your little shithead run to the other side WHILE ATTACHED TO THE COCKSUCKING LEASH means that (a) someone will have to stop walking to wait for you to rein in your evil spawn, (b) someone will trip over the leash, which will make your child fall to the ground and crack his or her head open, or (c) I will stab you in your eyes with my pen.

4. Find a good spot for your photography

Douchebucket with the thousand-dollar camera: Positioning your entire family up against a wall, and then walking backwards without looking where you’re going until you find a spot where you can fit in the whole scene is a great way to take a nice high-quality photo that will be a lasting memory of your family’s trip to the theme park. However, doing it while HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WALK PAST YOU is rude, stupid, and senseless. Thank you for making all of us wait so that you can take 14 photos of your ugly fucking kids and your cockeyed, mustached troll of a creature that you must call a wife.

5. The stroller big enough for 12

If you have enough children that your stroller holds more people than my car, don’t bring it to a theme park – it’s just going to get in the way of every single fucking person in the park. In fact, don’t come to a theme park – you can’t afford it because you have too many fucking children. For fuck’s sake, though, don’t stay home, because then you’ll probably fuck some more and pop out more kids. Go to church and pray that the angry bearded man doesn’t find you.

That’s it. I didn’t even try to cover the etiquette in eating establishments or the need for deodorant, mouthwash, and sometimes a bag to cover your face. I just came up with five simple rules that will make everyone’s trip much more pleasant. How hard could it be to follow them?

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52 Replies to “Let’s talk about theme park etiquette”

  1. ADW

    That was a nice way to start my morning.

    I totally love the leashes. I used one for my firstborn. She was like freaking MacGyver.

    There were multiple laughgasms in this post. I give it three happy vaginas.

  2. Avitable

    BE Earl, it was fun, people notwithstanding.

    Chrissi, the animals and attractions were very cool.

    Amanda, yes, they is.

    Janelle, just as long as you don’t break my rules!

    Dave2, the park itself was fun – haven’t you been there before?

    Swanshadow, no, that’s acceptable.

    Robin, AdamLand would be awesome!

    Aunt Robin, why would you go to Walmart, that’s the more pressing question.

    Blondefabulous, you’re not into grinding?

    Poppy, theme parks are not for kids – certain rides are for kids, but theme parks are for people of all ages.

    Kapgar, I agree!

    Robin, did you just quote Men in Black? However, it’s very true.

    ADW, I love happy vaginas.

  3. Grant

    I remember from college that the students in the busy buildings had plenty of places to gather – commons area, corners, empty rooms, etc. Instead, the favorite places to stop and talk were at the head or foot of stairs or in doorways. I think busy areas like those should issue courtesy cattle prods until people learn to show some considertion.

  4. jGrrl

    This should hold for grocery and department stores too. Most times I feel like my ordinary shopping trips have turned into a bloody circus! You may have inspired me, I am so thinking of doing a post about exactly what pisses me off in the supermarket…

  5. Faiqa

    Wow. I never thought I would agree with you 10000%. I hate it when people stop in the middle of the sidewalk to use the phone, etc. I feel like shoving them really hard until they fall flat on their faces.

  6. Hilly

    I was going to say something similar to what “Heather” said…dude, it was FREE!

    But instead….can you put all of these rules on a t-shirt for me so that I can wear it at Disneyland on Thursday? Thanks!

  7. Avitable

    NYCWD, I saw one kid who had a leash on and it was attached to his own belt. WTF?

    J from Ireland, were you guys like that when you were here? Arrrghghgh!

    Britt, oh, I had a fun time and got to see lots of cool animals, too.

    Always Home, dude. Don’t.

    Grant, I was really interested in a cattle prod by the time we left.

    jGrrl, that’s why I don’t go to the grocery store.

    Finn, no, stupid people ruin everything.

    Kris, clearly!

    Angie, yeah, something about walking through the doors makes people stupider than they usually are.

    Faiqa, I totally almost punched someone right in the back of their head yesterday.

    Lexi, and they should come with a death penalty.

    Hilly, I said it was free, and I did have fun, but my fun would have been multiplied by 10 if there weren’t so many retards out there.

  8. Giggle Pixie

    This was fucking BRILLIANT!

    I struggle with #1 every time I go to the mall or grocery store (particularly at this time of year). One of these days I’m going to get in some serious trouble because I really WILL jackslap some stupid assholes who stop in the middle of traffic and there’s no way any of us can get around them.

    And a theme park? I don’t think you could pay me to go to one.

  9. Avitable

    Robin, worldwide, even.

    Liquid, they should all be sitting on each other’s shoulders.

    Thursday’s Child, well, the children are usually worse, but it’s the parents’ fault.

    Giggle Pixie, I almost did that myself yesterday.

  10. twinkie

    For all those fucktards that think it’s OK to smoke while walking in a crowdfull walking area, HOLD your fucking cigarette in front of you and not on your sides where anybody can walk right into it you fucking moron.

    *don’t they have designated smoking areas anyways?

    My daughter walked right into one and it burned her eyelid.

  11. Avitable

    Becky, but this is me not-cranky!

    Metalmom, it’s what they deserve!

    Maman, that explains why I hate the grocery store.

    Twinkie, ouch! Did you kill the fucker?

    BPR, I don’t see a problem with it, to keep a small child from wandering too far, especially in a crowded place like Disney. And kids aren’t really human beings anyways.

  12. blueppaintred

    If you have more kids than you have hands to hold them, you should not be taking them out in public. Also, why use a leash? TEACH your child to STAY with you and then actually keep an eye on them to ensure that they do so!

    And I don’t buy that crap that your kid is a super escape artist, you should have a hand on them at all times. How does a kid escape your freaking hand? it’s bullshit. Just fucking parent your kids, don’t treat them like animals.

    the leash thing, it pisses me off. it is the ONE thing that me and my best friend disagree on. To the point we will not discuss it with one another.

  13. twinkie

    I *heart* the leash thing. I’ve never used it myself but I LOVE watching parents being dragged by their kids from it while the parents (who are supposedly spending quality time with their kids) are busy gabbing away to their friend/spouse/lover or on the phone)

    “Not now, baby”


    “here eat this candy and shut up.”


    Avitable… I wanted to but I was too busy rushing to the first aid center.

    Bitch never even apologized either. Freaken ho bag.

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