Let's talk about theme park etiquette
Most people who go to theme parks would talk about all of the fun they had and post pictures they took of each other and the attractions and everybody would laugh and tralala. Not me!
Yesterday I got the chance to go to Disney's Animal Kingdom for free (thanks Carolina!) so we spent the better half of the day there. And what happened during that trip that struck me the most? Was it seeing the gorillas run around? Photographing the rhino that stood a foot from our car? Theorizing why the gibbons don't fabricate makeshift boats to escape from their island? Nope.
I was, yet again, struck by the sheer rudeness, cluelessness, and stupidity of most people on Earth. And, as the self-proclaimed King of the Internet, I decided I would create a list of rules for proper theme park etiquette that everyone should follow:
1. Don't interrupt the flow of traffic
When there are literally throngs of people simultaneously trying to reach their individual destinations, DO NOT abruptly stop in the middle of the path to look at your map, text on your phone, adjust the stroller, take a photo, talk to your spouse, or just pick your nose. I will punch you in the back of your fat fucking square-shaped mushroom of a head. If you need to stop for any reason, just walk to the side and stop there. That will prevent you from affecting and angering the thousand other people who are all trying to use the exact same path.
2. Don't block the only entrance or exit
Hey, sniveling retard. You might really need to talk to your mom, however, don't stop in the middle of a doorway that is the only way in or out of a building to have an in-depth conversation. Instead, do you think you could try to make the effort to take TWO GODDAMN STEPS BACKWARDS OR FORWARDS?
3. Use your kid leash wisely
Here's a hint for you thickheaded idiots out there who might do this. Putting your child on one of those leashes is good – it allows you to maintain control and you don't really have to be a good parent because you know your kid isn't going anywhere. Good for you. However, sitting at a bench on one side of a path and letting your little shithead run to the other side WHILE ATTACHED TO THE COCKSUCKING LEASH means that (a) someone will have to stop walking to wait for you to rein in your evil spawn, (b) someone will trip over the leash, which will make your child fall to the ground and crack his or her head open, or (c) I will stab you in your eyes with my pen.
4. Find a good spot for your photography
Douchebucket with the thousand-dollar camera: Positioning your entire family up against a wall, and then walking backwards without looking where you're going until you find a spot where you can fit in the whole scene is a great way to take a nice high-quality photo that will be a lasting memory of your family's trip to the theme park. However, doing it while HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WALK PAST YOU is rude, stupid, and senseless. Thank you for making all of us wait so that you can take 14 photos of your ugly fucking kids and your cockeyed, mustached troll of a creature that you must call a wife.
5. The stroller big enough for 12
If you have enough children that your stroller holds more people than my car, don't bring it to a theme park – it's just going to get in the way of every single fucking person in the park. In fact, don't come to a theme park – you can't afford it because you have too many fucking children. For fuck's sake, though, don't stay home, because then you'll probably fuck some more and pop out more kids. Go to church and pray that the angry bearded man doesn't find you.
That's it. I didn't even try to cover the etiquette in eating establishments or the need for deodorant, mouthwash, and sometimes a bag to cover your face. I just came up with five simple rules that will make everyone's trip much more pleasant. How hard could it be to follow them?
Posted in Rants | Tags: animal kingdom, avitable, etiquette, obnoxious people, Rants, rules, theme parks
So, you had a good time. Right?
Reply
Holy Hannah ! In between all of the ignorant putzheads and annoying park goers, you enjoyed your time there ?
Reply
People are so dumb.
Reply
One of the funniest post I've read in a long time! Thanks for starting my week off with a great laugh
Reply
Sounds like awesome fun! I can't wait to give it a try in two weeks.
Reply
You forgot the rule about exposing oneself on the roller coaster.
But maybe that's just me.
Reply
Um….you need your own theme park. How about AdamLand?
Reply
Wow! Except for the photo op, you've just described my last trip to Wal*Mart. Heh.
Reply
Don't forget the personal space rule! OMG, nothing I like better than waiting in line and having some foul foreign tourist all humped up to my backside smelling like bad cabbage and no deodorant! :pissed:
Reply
Theme parks are for kids.
You're a control freak.
Not related statements, just statements.
Reply
I say we print these on signs throughout theme parks the world over. And create waivers that people must sign and adhere to.
Reply
"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it."
Reply
That was a nice way to start my morning.
I totally love the leashes. I used one for my firstborn. She was like freaking MacGyver.
There were multiple laughgasms in this post. I give it three happy vaginas.
Reply
BE Earl, it was fun, people notwithstanding.
Chrissi, the animals and attractions were very cool.
Amanda, yes, they is.
Janelle, just as long as you don't break my rules!
Dave2, the park itself was fun – haven't you been there before?
Swanshadow, no, that's acceptable.
Robin, AdamLand would be awesome!
Aunt Robin, why would you go to Walmart, that's the more pressing question.
Blondefabulous, you're not into grinding?
Poppy, theme parks are not for kids – certain rides are for kids, but theme parks are for people of all ages.
Kapgar, I agree!
Robin, did you just quote Men in Black? However, it's very true.
ADW, I love happy vaginas.
Reply
Silly Avitable.
Those leashes are for the parents, so they don't get lost.
Reply
Ha ha ha very funny but you would have kicked our arses. Sorry.
Reply
While I actually agree with all of these "rules", I think it's a damn shame that you got to go to Animal Kingdom for FREE – and what you most inspired to right is a bitchfest.
Reply
Sweet … now we know just how to annoy everyone when we hit Orlando this holiday season.
Reply
I remember from college that the students in the busy buildings had plenty of places to gather – commons area, corners, empty rooms, etc. Instead, the favorite places to stop and talk were at the head or foot of stairs or in doorways. I think busy areas like those should issue courtesy cattle prods until people learn to show some considertion.
Reply
This should hold for grocery and department stores too. Most times I feel like my ordinary shopping trips have turned into a bloody circus! You may have inspired me, I am so thinking of doing a post about exactly what pisses me off in the supermarket…
Reply
People ruin everything, don't they?
Reply
Clearly they're retarded. :dunce:
Someone had to say it.
Reply
I don't agree with your opinion on kids not going out, but I 1000% agree with you on these rules.
People check their brains at the theme park gate. They need a badge that reads "dumbass" when they enter so we know it's not their fault.
Reply
I'm getting you a Taser for Christmas.
mas3:
Reply
Wow. I never thought I would agree with you 10000%. I hate it when people stop in the middle of the sidewalk to use the phone, etc. I feel like shoving them really hard until they fall flat on their faces.
Reply
Once again, you spake the truth.
These rules should be posted in all public places.
Reply
I was going to say something similar to what "Heather" said…dude, it was FREE!
But instead….can you put all of these rules on a t-shirt for me so that I can wear it at Disneyland on Thursday? Thanks!
Reply
NYCWD, I saw one kid who had a leash on and it was attached to his own belt. WTF?
J from Ireland, were you guys like that when you were here? Arrrghghgh!
Britt, oh, I had a fun time and got to see lots of cool animals, too.
Always Home, dude. Don't.
Grant, I was really interested in a cattle prod by the time we left.
jGrrl, that's why I don't go to the grocery store.
Finn, no, stupid people ruin everything.
Kris, clearly!
Angie, yeah, something about walking through the doors makes people stupider than they usually are.
Faiqa, I totally almost punched someone right in the back of their head yesterday.
Lexi, and they should come with a death penalty.
Hilly, I said it was free, and I did have fun, but my fun would have been multiplied by 10 if there weren't so many retards out there.
Reply
This is true, so true and should be broadcast nation wide.
Reply
i dislike the families who spread out like it's a game of red rover.
this is not limited to theme parks, sadly
Reply
I sometimes wonder who's worse: children, or their parents? Sometimes the answer is clear-cut, but others? Not so much.
Reply
This was fucking BRILLIANT!
I struggle with #1 every time I go to the mall or grocery store (particularly at this time of year). One of these days I'm going to get in some serious trouble because I really WILL jackslap some stupid assholes who stop in the middle of traffic and there's no way any of us can get around them.
And a theme park? I don't think you could pay me to go to one.
Reply
Robin, worldwide, even.
Liquid, they should all be sitting on each other's shoulders.
Thursday's Child, well, the children are usually worse, but it's the parents' fault.
Giggle Pixie, I almost did that myself yesterday.
Reply
you make me giggle when you are cranky.
Reply
I actually run up the back of people with shopping carts for this shit. I also step all over their heels and point out candy and toy displays to their kids.
Fucking assholes.
Reply
Oddly enough I find that most of those rules apply to a trip to the grocery store as well. But then to me a grocery store is as close as I get to a theme park.
Reply
For all those fucktards that think it's OK to smoke while walking in a crowdfull walking area, HOLD your fucking cigarette in front of you and not on your sides where anybody can walk right into it you fucking moron.
*don't they have designated smoking areas anyways?
My daughter walked right into one and it burned her eyelid.
Reply
Kid leashes, to me, are the most disgusting thing ever invented. You do NOT leash a human being. Ever.
Reply
Becky, but this is me not-cranky!
Metalmom, it's what they deserve!
Maman, that explains why I hate the grocery store.
Twinkie, ouch! Did you kill the fucker?
BPR, I don't see a problem with it, to keep a small child from wandering too far, especially in a crowded place like Disney. And kids aren't really human beings anyways.
Reply
Cranky much? That's what I love about you, Avitable. You're a people person. :lmao:
Reply
#2 makes me want to wack them it the knees with a baseball bat then kick them in the groin when they collapse until they have convulsed their way out of the doorway.
Reply
I agree with some of what you said but I did not enjoy this post at all (not that you asked). I have kids and I found it offensive on many levels.
Reply
Dragon, who's cranky?
Trukindog, exactly.
Elissa, out of those five very simple, common sense rules, which do you disagree with and how can you justify it? And if you think that's offensive, you must have missed my post from last week, entitled, "I hate your kids": http://www.avitable.com/2008/11/20/i-hate-your-kids/
Reply
I heart you Adam. I heart you sooo very much.
Reply
If you have more kids than you have hands to hold them, you should not be taking them out in public. Also, why use a leash? TEACH your child to STAY with you and then actually keep an eye on them to ensure that they do so!
And I don't buy that crap that your kid is a super escape artist, you should have a hand on them at all times. How does a kid escape your freaking hand? it's bullshit. Just fucking parent your kids, don't treat them like animals.
the leash thing, it pisses me off. it is the ONE thing that me and my best friend disagree on. To the point we will not discuss it with one another.
Reply
TO BPR: Damn, now I have to return Mike's Christmas present.
Reply
I *heart* the leash thing. I've never used it myself but I LOVE watching parents being dragged by their kids from it while the parents (who are supposedly spending quality time with their kids) are busy gabbing away to their friend/spouse/lover or on the phone)
"Not now, baby"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"here eat this candy and shut up."
hahahahaha
Avitable… I wanted to but I was too busy rushing to the first aid center.
Bitch never even apologized either. Freaken ho bag.
Reply
OMG… that was perfect and spot on.
"evil spawn" I will remember that next time I'm at a theme park, seeing a kid on a leash.
Reply
OMG YES. I can't believe how much this would happen at casinos in Vegas, too. CASINOS. WITH KIDS.
:crazywife:
Reply
Im cranky we didn't take "nap-time" at Nemo's show!
Reply
Hahaha, good one. I feel the same way. I especially hate when parents put their kids on leashes in general. Kids aren't animals.
Reply
Preach on, preach on! Also, if Y might add one: if your child is too short for the ride, your child is too damn short for the ride. Kindly do not wait in line, taking up valuable space, when you know you'll get turned away.
Reply